Wednesday, October 13, 2010

She ask + I add = Conflict

This mornign I was not feeling too good, so i decided to call work and ask for a sick day off. My plan was to take some medicine, rest and then clean a little around the house, unasked.

When V got up she told me that the house was a mess (I knew that) and asked me if I could clean the kitchen. I smiled and told her I'd do it. Then she asked me if I would cook dinner also. She was a little tentative, as if she was not sure if i was going to say yes, which obviously i did.

After she was gone, I rested a little, as I intended to do. Then I got up and got to work.

I felt good because I was doing as she asked, but I think I needed a little more domination, because I made up some fantasy while I worked.

I knelt down for a while, imagining that it was V who had ordered me to, then I placed a small vibrator up my behind, put a pair of underpants on (I don't own panties, and V's are too small) and pulled them up, so they fit like a g-string to both stimulate and hold the vibrator in place. In addition to the underpants, I only used a white apron.

Needless to say, every time I bent over or reached, the vibrator was pushed in and I imagined it was V pushing it. I did all the dishes and then came to the bedroom to adjust the 'items' because they were falling out of place. Then I realized that the underpants were not strong enough to hold the vibrator in place for an extended period, so I tied two leather belts together and tied them from the crotch to the left shoulder. Now it was really tight, and I could feel the vibrator pushing my insides every time I reached up. I moped the floor that way, and it took quite a while, because I was enjoying the process.

After I finished, I felt guilty for enjoying so much and fantasized that V was not pleased with how much fun I was having and ordered to my knees again. This time I knelf in front of the mirror and took a third leather belt and belted myself good until my behind was hot and red.

This is not the first time I punish myself with a belt, but having another leather belt between my butt cheeks protected the anus and testicles from accidental impacts and that allowed me to hit to my heart's content. I don't even remember how many times I took the belt today, but I remember that at some point I started hitting as hard as I could and it kept hurting less and less. I guess that was because of the famous endorphins that people keep talking about, but I didn't feel any rush or dizziness or anything like that.

After I finished the punishment, I knelt, kissed the belt and thanked my imaginary mistress for taking the time to discipline me.

The girls were about to come back from school, so I cleaned the stuff, got dressed and watched some TV.

When V came home, we ate together and she asked me how my day had gone. I said that it had been great and she asked me if I wanted to be a stay at home dad.

I said that it would be lovely, but everyone took it as a joke, and I didn't want to clarify because the family was present. Of course, being a stay at home dad is not possible for me right now, because I make six-figures and my wife is back in college, but the idea is attractive.

Now, as I prepare to sleep, I have a conflict of feelings. On the one hand, my submissiveness was sated. I feel that I served V and that made the day good, but on the other hand, I feel that I cheated, because I played a scene by myself. It's funny how I can at the same time feel like V actually did the stuff I fantasized about, while at the same time I doubt she'll ever do anything like this, even if she accepted my submission to her.

I don't think what I did today is healthy. I remember when I was single and I became addicted to masturbation. It was a very hard time, as at the worst point, the addiction took most of my waking hours. I would even park the car on the side of the freeway so i could jerk off, because I had been driving for two hours. What ended up happening was that my hand became more attractive than my girlfriend, and I evenually broke up with her (the girlfriend, not the hand). It took me years to sober up from my addiction and I don't want to develop a new one, unless is to my wife.

I think that if I continue doing what I did today, there is teh possibility that I might separate my feelings of submission from the person my submission is directed to, and that would be disastrous. This is the main reason for me not to approach professional dommes. I have feelings of submission for V, and don't think that such feelings should be allowed to wander in any other direction. Right now, because my fantasy involved her and only her, I feel as if it's okay, but fantasy can be very powerful, especially when one lacks reality, so it is something I have to watch carefully.

And I'm not even going to talk about how my butt feels right now, both from the couple of hours of the vibrator and the violent encounter with the belt... All I will say is that I wish it had been V the one who caused it. Then there would be none of this conflict.

Almost told her?

After V came home last night, she went straight to bed. I was there, just having finished the posts I wrote yesterday. I was pleasantly surprised when she laid down and asked me to bring her chocolate pudding and put the girls to sleep.

After sendignthe girls to bed, I brought her the chocolate pudding and as she ate it, I took her socks off and gave her a foot rub with some lotion. While I did that, she pulled her laptop from gher bedside table and checked her email. I asked her if she liked it, she said yes. I kissed her feet several times, and when she told me that they stunk, I said that they smelled like cherry blossoms (that was the fragance of the lotion).

"Do you think I'm weird?" I asked after kissing her feet once more.

"Yes, honey, you are."

"Do you love me anyway?" I asked with a smile. I'm confident that she still loves me.

"Yes, baby, I love you."

After this, she signaled for me to get in bed with her and we had vanilla sex. I apologized in advance, because as soon as we started, I knew I was not going to last long. She spanked me once, which only made matters worse (better?).

"You owe me," she said when I finished and could not go no more. "You owe me big time."

"How can I make it up to you?"

"I don't know," she said. "But you owe me big time."

Now, if we were already in a FLR, I would be shaking in my proberbial boots if she said that. As it is, I know she won't do anything about it.

After that, I went to check if the girls had actually gone to bed (they hadn't). And when I returned, she asked me if I knew a particular story. At first I didn't remember it, but then she said a few things and I did remember the story. I told her I knew it and she asked me to tell it to her, because she's working on it at school and the version they have was a little strange.

The story deals with a king that sees a girls dance and filling himself with lust, offers her anything she wants, even up to half his kingdom. Of course, the girl asks for something the king doesn't want to give, but that is another story. The main point here is that after the girl asked, he felt compelled to give her what she asked for, and he did.

"That is the amazing power a woman can have over a man, " I told my wife. "I think that after seeing her dance, he had no hope. He was in her power."

"Yes," said my wife, yawning. "I think so."

"You know?" I asked, venturing a little into 'Fearland'. "That is the same power you have over me. I think I would totally give you half my kingdom if you asked for it... Heck, I think I already gave you half my kingdom!"

"Yes, you did," said V simply with a smile.

"I totally love doing what you ask me to," I said.

She smiled again and thanked me for the story.

I don't think she understood the magnitude of what I just told her, but it doesn't matter. THe idea is that I am 'coming out' a little and this may pave the way for bigger and better things. So, No, I didn't tell her, but I breached the subject and she didn't panic.

Let's see where I can bring this next time.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Same o' same o'

Nothing has changed.

I'm still in the same "I don't dare telling my wife how I feel about submitting to her" mood I have been for the recemt past.

This must be so boring to read about that I don't even care to write about it. However, I have been sexless for several days and feel more submissive than usual.

V is not home right now, and instead of taking the chance to serve her by cleaning the house and doing shores, I spent the time surfing submissive material on the web. Bad. I wish V would punish me, but I guess it will never happen.

We haven't had a fight for years now, which is a good thing.

Today, I was fantasizing about proposing an experiment to my wife. I thought about telling my wife that I wanted to experiment with orgasm control, because I read something about the energy and creativity that can be unleashed when diverting sexual energy to something else. I thought about it at work and for a while it seemed like it could work. I would tell her that in order for the experiment to work, I needed her to be the decider as to when I could have an orgasm, but don't tell me. I wanted to ask her to stop me after having her own orgasm and teling me that "it was not time yet". It sounded like something I could do, and I thought "wow! I can do this!" but then I came home and she was not here and now I'm not so sure and I think I'm pathetic and hate myself for being such a coward (and I better stop, because I'm beginning to sound like a teenaged girl)

In truth I don't hate myself. I just hate how I dare not opening up to my wife.

Who knows, maybe I'll dare propose a little experiment to her. I don't know how to get her to tease me and deny me, though, or to order me to provide her with acts of personal service. I'll have to think more about this, I guess, but the thinking is what kills my resolve. Sometimes I think that maybe I can write something and leave it where she "accidentally" finds it, but then I think it is not honest.

I wish she would catch me doing this blog and make me confess everything. Sometimes I feel like being rejected may be better than having this deep need hidden in uncertainty.

I'm probably not being very coherent right now, but I have been denied for 4 days (not in the nice way, but just because my wife is too busy and tired) and I'm horny as hell...