Friday, December 30, 2011

I came out!

I apologize for the somewhat longish post, but this is a milestone that deserves mention.

I came out this morning.

Yes, after several years of struggling with the idea, I finally admitted to my wife the full extent of my submissiveness to her. No more stealth submission, no more figuring out how my wife is going to react, no more fear (or at least not in the same sense).

How did it happen?

Well, I have been denied for more than a week now and as horny as I have ever been, so my wife brought the subject of my 'horniness' up and asked me why I thought that men want to chase after what they can't have instead of having what they can have. This brought up a rather lengthy conversation where we talked about men being natural hunters and being more interested in the process of hunting rather than in the previously hunted prey.

I admitted that I was horny as hell and that I loved the way I felt when I desired her.

"So, how exactly do you feel?" She asked. I knew I wouldn't have another opportunity such as this, so I pounced. I told her I felt energized, powerful, focused and manly, but not in the sense of being opposed to feminine, but like a hunter after its prey. She said that she understood. She also said that it is very interesting that after all this years, she's discovered that the way to keep me happy is not to follow her mother's advice of fulfilling and anticipating my masculine "needs" and being always available for sex, but to actually play hard to get and to give me something to chase after.

I was very motivated by her words, so I admitted to it. I said that I wanted to have her, but only when she wanted me to have her, and never because she thought I needed it.

"Wow," she said. "I was thinking of pleasuring you orally today, but now you're not getting any, baby!"

With all the days I have been denied already, I felt a bit of fear creeping up when she said that, but I was strong and stayed the course. I talked to her about the fact that I have read many books on the topic, because I felt that I was abnormal or deviant, but that after several years of study and our recent experiment with denial based on lack of exercise, I was convinced that this was what I wanted. I spoke about the imagery of the knight pledging allegiance to a lady, I spoke about chivalry and how modern society with its emphasis on equality had robbed men of the opportunity to perform the role they have been born to perform, which is to protect, provide and serve. She told me that women have been robbed too, because in their chase for equality, they have lost sight of their need to be nurtured, protected and loved by their men. I could not believe my ears! My own wife, the most vanilla of vanilla, was not only understanding my feelings, but expressing some of her own.

I talked to her about some of the websites I have visited and told her that although I don;t agree with everything, I have obtained a little here and a little there. She said that she would rather not read about sex, and that she's prefer to make her own "connections". Now I realize that I don't know what she meant by connections, but my guess is that she feels like she is discovering these things on her own and she prefers it this way. In the end, she told me that she's interested in Lady Misato's website (Real women don't do housework) and I told her that I have to look it up because I haven't seen it in a while and didn't remember it. I also confessed that I have had a copy of Around her Finger, by Ken Addison that I've kept for years but that I wanted to give it to her. She accepted it and said that she doesn't have too much time to read (I know that), but will get back to me when she does (in about two years). I went to my desk and pulled the book from where I had secretly been hoping she'd "accidentally" find it, which she never did, and gave it to her.

She asked me what the gist of the book was and I said something along the lines of: This is a book written by a man presenting the theory that all men, given the opportunity to learn it, would like nothing more than being wrapped around their wife's finger, and that the book was written in story form. My wife said that maybe it may be easier to read in story form.

Then she mentioned something that worried her. She said that she liked their men "manly" bold and articulate and that would put their feet down when necessary, but that the whole thing sounded "needy" to her. She said that she has always been wary of "neediness" because she grew up with people who used to manipulate her with their needs. She said that she didn't want to feel that I was manipulating her and asked me what I thought about it. I mentioned that one of the sites I've read actually talk about this issue, but before I could go any further, she said that we'll figure it out as we go along.

I asked her to feel free to tell me if I was acting "needy" and she insisted that we will figure it out as we go, so I dropped it.

What happened next surprised me, although perhaps it shouldn't have. She hugged me and told me that she loved me and that she was happy that we could talk about these things. She confessed that there was a time a few years back when she had wanted to leave me (horror, I didn't know that!) but that she was happy that we had stayed together, because now she thought that we had a good thing going.

Then she proceeded to ask me to bring her breakfast in bed and to make sure everyone else ate. After that, she asked me to go to the store get a movie for tonight, buy milk, vitamins and some materials for her crafts. She also told me that she wants me to take art lessons and when I said I was not sure, she told me that I will do it anyway because she will make me. She said that I have much talent and that she's not going to allow me to waste it.

Later, she went to the park with the girls and I stayed home washing and folding laundry. Later, while she engaged in a leisure activity and a hot bath, I did all the dishes (Why are 18 dirty plates for just one meal?)

There were other things to the conversation, but I'm not too clear as to exactly where they go. Here are a couple of examples:

1) "If men like the hunt, why do they go for hookers?"
My answer was that they probably don't know what they really want. V added that maybe they get desperate because they feel they are lacking something and they think they will find it in sex.

2) "So this (the need for the hunt) explains a lot of why middle aged men go after younger lovers." She threatened me with some unspecified calamity if I ever considered going after another woman. I told her that she is all the woman I need and I'm in deep love with her.

3) "Women still need to be rescued, we just substituted slaying dragons with helping out around the house". This is almost what Lady Misato said in her site: "Your husband is happier because he is a hero. He comes to your rescue by doing the chores around the house and by satisfying you sexually".
There were many others, but the main idea is that I brought my feelings into the open and was not rejected by her. On the contrary, it seems like she will embrace them and me. The extent of her understanding was astonishing. No doubt, my hidden submission and all the little things that I've been doing in the recent past have helped her reach some conclusions on he own. I can't wait to see how she decides to proceed, but will do my best to remain calm and not "needy", since she has told me directly that neediness is a turn-off for her.

Now, as my wife takes a warm bath and I finish folding her laundry, I stand here at the verge of a new year with a mix of love, lust, fear, hope and gratitude. It has taken a long time to get here, and I cant wait to see where we go from here.

Happy New Year!

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Little things that mean a lot

Because of a health condition, I had not been able to work out for the last few days. V has kept me denied. I'm glad that my problem didn't become cause for her to have pity on me.

"What do you want?" She asked me last night when she turned around and caught me staring at her bottom.

"You know," I said a little shy. I'm not naturally shy, but since she began conditioning my orgasms, I seem to feel shy when alone in her presence.

"I know," she said with a crooked smile, getting closer and grabbing my member, with readily came up to receive her attention. "But, are you going to get it?"

"No?" I answered, a small portion of me hoping that she would have mercy, the rest of me begging for her to remain firm.

"No, you're not going to, and do you know why?" She kept rubbing my now fully-erect penis.

"Because I haven't worked out?" I could not even look at her in the eye, and I think she noticed.

She laughed, pushed my penis away and said with finality: "You have been a bad boy and need to be punished."

She left the room. I was denied again. I could not believe just how small and insignificant her simple gesture made me feel, and how erotic it was. I think she is becoming aware of the nature of her power over me, although she still has not figured out the magnitude of it.

I love this woman.

This morning she pointed to her calendar. There are little symbols there that she uses to keep track of our love making.

"Look," she said. "We are not getting enough sex around here, and I'm horny."

I felt like the world was taken from under my feet. I felt like telling her that she didn't have to be horny, that I would work for her pleasure alone and then accept to be denied mine. That I would be there for her and her alone; that she owned my full devotion and I would never let her go wanting, unless that was her desire.

I felt so many things...

But all those feelings and thoughts flushed through my brain in only seconds, and there was no time to answer, because she was still talking.

"You HAVE to work out today." She finished before leaving the room.

Needless to say, I did work out today. She went to bed and told me to wake her up in the morning and "we would see"

I hope she denies me again, but I hope in doing that she doesn't deny herself. I don't want to bring the subject up again, however, as she has already mentioned that she doesn't want to do it.

We'll see in the morning...

Thursday, December 15, 2011

I feel manly... Is that strange?

I've been having an interesting thought recently, a discovery, if I may, one that I didn't quite expect from what I've read on the subject of Female Dominance. I headed into my attempt to a FLM fully expecting that somehow by being dominated by a woman, I would feel less as a man. However, after struggling with my own feelings for years, I came to conclude that yes, I am submissive, and if that's what it took, so be it.

It turns out that the  feeling I get when I'm denied, which until now, I had not been able to articulate it or give it a name, is "manly". I struggle somewhat with the word, because because it seems as if it doesn't quite match what I'm feeling in the full sense, but still, it is what it is. I don't precisely mean "manly" as opposed to "womanly", because there's nothing womanly about me after an orgasm, or as opposed to "childish" either.

I guess I could say "manly" as in more human, as opposed to a thing, a vegetable (such as a couch potato) or a mass of flesh and fat slumbering around without any purpose in life other than to eat, sleep, complain and have sex.

If I were forced to come up with a definition of what I mean by the word "manly" in this context, I'd say "purposeful, focused, energetic, determined, bold, aggressive, brave, proactive". Admittedly, none of these attributes are inherently masculine, but I can't deny that I feel more of a man when I'm horny. I think it's something primitive, probably related to us men being hunters and stuff. By denying me, my wife has given me a prey to hunt, and the old me has come to life again. 

While being denied by V for several days, particularly after the heavy teasing I described on another post, I felt powerful and strong, like nothing could stop me. I guess I was high on brain chemicals. At work, not only did I find my mind sharper, but I also found that my coworkers didn't stand a chance when disagreeing with me. Most things went my way at work, and people seemed to accept my leadership without much of an argument, including the office hag that always had her way. I had people approach me and tell me how glad they were that I was there and to thank me for the things I did and said. Somehow, I found myself to be more articulate and convincing than usual.

If only they knew that the renewed wit and creative problem solving that helped me dominate at work was caused by my submissiveness at home... Oh, the irony!

Seriously, it felt as if I was back in my younger days, when I was considered by many to be smarter than average, my career advanced very fast and I seemed to land every job opportunity I set my eyes on. Somehow, over the years I've felt as if that spark was lost. As if I had descended to the level of mediocre performance and lazy work-avoidance. Beind denied has taught me that the faculties of my younger self are not lost, just dulled by too much prolactin. Yes, I've been reading about the hormone prolactin, which is released after orgasm, and the effects that it has on men.

While some may disagree with my choice of the word "manly" as a descriptor, the word itself is not what matters here. I would be much more interested in a discussion of the feeling itself. Is this something you (or your significant other) experience? Do you feel sharper, smarter, stronger, more focused, when you are being denied? How do you feel (besides submissive)?

As for me, I had release twice yesterday and can't wait to feel "manly" again.

Very manly... but how to tell my wife? I find it hard to explain even to myself...

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

A potential setback averted...

This Monday, I was feeling extremely tired after I came home. It was one of those days when all I wanted was to fall asleep, so I went to bed and was almost falling asleep when V arrived and asked me if I had worked out. I said that I hadn't, but that I was really tired.

She became demanding and told me to get out of the bed (even pulled my legs off the bed) and escorted me outside. I was complaining and whining as she did it, not feeling very submissive. When she pushed me out of the door and got ready to close it behind me, I was about to say that I was not wearing workout clothes or shoes, but I was so mad that I didn't know what to say.

"What's the matter?" She asked, but I was upset, so I turned around and walked away without a word. She closed the door and locked it behind me.

While I walked I woke up and had a chance to contemplate on what had just happened.

My wife had just ordered me, not asked, or pleaded, but ordered and almost forced me to do something that I had given her the power to do and instead of being obedient and grateful, I had given her an attitude. What a stupid thing to do at this stage of our relationship! I wanted to kick myself, or to be more accurate, to be kicked and punished by her. I know that if I was being dominated by V, I would just have earned some serious punishment, but at this stage, I was afraid that she would get discouraged.

While I worked out I was so tired that I thought I was going to vomit, but eventually managed to complete my time and return home. I fell on the bed, almost fainting and stayed there for an hour or so, being too tired to sleep, until later I felt better.

V informed me that I would not be getting any because she was not up to it. She mentioned that her belly ached a little, but I knew that she would not have been so insistent in making me work out if she was not interested in having sex with me, so I knew I had ruined her mood with my attitude. She went to sleep right away.

I decided that I needed to be more submissive, and urgently, so I edged myself several times while imagining that she was doing it as a punishment for my attitude. I finally went to sleep hoping that my error would not destroy all the progress we had made in the past few months. 

I edged myself in the morning again, repeating the process while thinking that I really needed to apologize for my attitude, but that there was no time, because we both had to leave. When I weighed myself I noticed that I had lost two pounds in two weeks and thought that it was a great progress, even though I have not been faithful in working out daily. I've noticed that I'm drinking more water and eating smaller portions, so that is clearly part of it too.

As we were leaving the house, I mentioned to V that I had lost 2 pounds and that the regime was being effective. She sighed and said "I don't know... I don't feel as if it's being effective." With that we parted ways, and I stood there, kicking myself for disappointing her in such a stupid way and for no reason at all.

The submissive rush hit me at work, and with it the idea that if I didn't apologize immediately, things may revert to old vanilla, and it would be harder to bring them back again. I sent her an email.

"V, I lost two pounds in two weeks. Our regime is working. If it doesn't work as effectively as you think it should, it's not your fault, but mine. Please don't get discouraged. I'm sorry for giving you an attitude on Monday and will try to do better. Feel free to do anything that you think will help in making our arrangement more effective or in reminding me that I asked for this and should not complain. I love you."

Her reply came a few minutes later.


Just that.

It seemed like a positive sign, but you never know.

I came home and have been in my best behavior. I was getting ready to go work out without her telling me so when she entered the room. She had a movie in her hands and showed me the actor. She said that he was great and she really really like him. "Of course," she added, "I like you more".

Good, I thought. At least she's not mad. However, that didn't mean that she was going to continue our little project. I told her that I wanted her a lot, to which she casually said that "it is good to want things, because it gives you something to look forward to."

Then for some reason she mentioned something about sticks and balls (non sexual, mind you) and I said that I had some. She said "Good for you, and you get to keep them because you have not worked out".

I breathed a sigh of relief. She was still here and still willing to enforce the rules.

I told her that I was going to work out right now and she said that then, maybe I could use my stick and balls tonight. Maybe not.

I'm glad I fond it in me to apologize for my stupid reaction, and even gladder that V is not reverting to the old times. My hope is that even if our growth is slow, and minimal, that it never reverts to what it was.

I hope that after doing this for a while (I still have 22 pounds to go, and that's not even to ideal weight, but to a comfortable one) V will get used to her benefits and we'll be able to transfer her dominance to other areas of my life.

I have to be careful with the little things and try to remain obedient and submissive to her. I realize that I may have made mountains out of molehills, but my feelings are intense and deep and can play tricks on me. For now, I think that I averted a potential pitfall and that we are still on the road to a FLM.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

A conflict of interest...

Wow, two posts in two days!

I must be high or something. Actually, I am high on arousal. If your read yesterday's post, you know that my wife tricked me (or I want to think she did) into giving her a full body massage that really turned me on and then left me hanging.

Well, this morning, as soon as she woke up, she jumped on me. "Forget everything," she said, her still naked body rubbing against mine while she bit my neck. "I don't want to do this anymore, let's have sex right now!"

I thought I'd be sad that she decided to end our arrangement, but I was so turned on by her that all I wanted was to grab her, pull her close and get the orgasm I'm starting to crave. After only a few moments of that, she asked me if I wanted her. I puffed a rough "YES!"

Then she stopped.

"Too bad," she said, pulling back and caressed her own body (she knows she's hot, although she denies it most of the time). "Look what you're missing."

"If you were good, you could have good things happen to you," she opened her mouth and placed my erect penis inside, but did not close it around it. Then she made it look as if she was going to lick it from the base to the tip, but her tongue only touched it for one painfully brief instant. It was bliss.

After that, she went to get ready and told me that I didn't have to get up yet, but game a list of things to do later. She said she wanted to clean up a little before leaving. I remembered that the sink was full of dishes that I had not done last night (no time for anything, remember?) and went ahead to do them.

"Good boy!" She said when she saw me doing dishes. I was wearing a bathrobe.

After I finished the dishes, which were many, she was getting ready to leave but she pushed me against the closet and kissed me. I tried to grab her but she pushed my hands away. "You can't touch me," she said. "Only I do the touching here. You don't deserve to touch. As a matter of fact, I'm withdrawing all pleasure from you." (Awesome word, 'withdrawing'. I have this thing for the dominant words she uses, especially when we have never used them in conversation before. One of these days I'll have to post about the power words have on me.)

She pulled my bathrobe open around my arms so that it exposed my chest and belly and didn't allow me the use of my arms or hands. Then she bent and licked me from just above the belly button to the neck, and started playing with my nipples. "Oh, poor you, so vulnerable!"

I was in a state where I would have agreed to whatever she said, and when she asked me "How does it feel?" I confessed that it felt as if there were nothing I could refuse to do for her and that I felt very energized and almost as if I was under the effects of a stimulant.

"Give me a million dollars," she said. I hesitated, then said "Okay," to which she laughed, because I don't have a million dollars to give her and she knows it, but if I had it, it would already be hers.

Then she said something that created a deep conflict of interest in me.

"If you don't work out while I'm gone, when I come back I will do that thing that I have not been willing to do to you because I felt bad for you". She's referring to making me give her an orgasm and then depriving me of mine.

I told her that she didn't need to feel bad for me and she replied, "Oh, I don't"

The conflict on interest is this: I have been denied for 5 days now, and for the last two she has teased me mercilessly, so I'm so horny I really want to go do as she's asking and work out, but on the other hand, I think her denying me while gratifying herself would be a huge step in the right direction, because if she gets the idea that she doesn't need to deprive herself of anything while keeping me denied, I think she may find it easier to dominate me in the future.

Right now, she's not home, so I have to make a decision to work out or not to work out.

I think I'll do it.

We have come so far, and she seems to be enjoying the power she has over me, that I don;t want to frustrate her by being disobedient. The fact that she threatened me with that, added to the fact that she kept yesterday's threat, tells me that she's warming up to the idea. I should not try to be contrarian or disobedient just to earn a punishment.

Who knows? Maybe one of these days she'll come to realize that denying me even after I obey her commands may be a good idea to keep me obedient for longer.

I love how she progresses in her dominance, and how all the months and years of stealth submission on my part have created some expectations from her. The fact that she seems to be enjoying what she's doing so far, tells me that she may take it further down the road.

Yes. Conflict of interest or not a decision has been made: Stop writing and go work out  right now...


Was this a trick? I hope so...

This week, I didn't feel too well, physically and didn't work out for four days in a row. Needless to say, my wife kept her side of our bargain and I didn't get any. However, since I was feeling sick, my sexual energy was low and I didn't really feel too much under her spell.

That changed today.

Yesterday, when my wife came home from work, I was in the room. She entered and closed the door. She was wearing her leather boots, (which I hope one day she'll make me kiss) and some sexy jeans.

"Did you work out?" She asked. I hadn't and I did not lie to her. "Aww, too bad..."

Then she bent over and took her boots off, then turned her back to me (she knows I love her rear view) and took her jeans off slowly, teasingly, showing off the sexy underwear I didn't know she was wearing. She made a show of stretching and laying on bed, as I became really hard for the first time in four days.

"If you don't work out tomorrow," she said with an impish smile. "I'll have to take you on giving me a massage... naked."

Then she went to sleep and I stayed awake, wondering if I should have told her that she could ask for it tonight, because I knew that I was going to work out and therefore would not be denied. In the end I didn't say anything and she fell asleep.

Today, I was so sure that I was going to work out that I was not even thinking about tease and denial, and at one point wondered if the energy was dissipating and my wife was losing interest.

She had other plans...

At about the time I was supposed to finish work, she texted me asking me how I felt. I texted her back telling her that I was feeling better. I thought that she was going to reply that I should go work out, but what she sent me was that she wanted me to take her to the movies.

I barely had time to get home to get ready to go watch the movie, so I obviously failed to work out again. We went to the movie, then she asked me to take her for a burger, which we did. It was nice, she stood in front of every door until I opened it for her, she asked me to drive, and gave me a lot of instructions for tomorrow.

When I got home, I thought she was going straight to bed, but she told me that I owed her.

"You owe me big time," she said. "And no matter what you do, you're still going to owe me."

I asked her what I could do to try to pay and she said that I could start by giving her a massage. She said I had been a bad boy and as a punishment she was making me give her a massage. I told her that I would do it gratefully and that it would not be a bad punishment, to which she replied pointing at my already erect member "Oh, but that's only the beginning. You don't get to do anything, you are not going to use that thing".

I gave her an hour long, full body massage. I kissed her feet, her bottom and her waist. I felt wonderful worshipping my goddess that way as she moaned in pleasure. All I wanted was to kneel between her legs and serve her orally, but I know she doesn't want me to, so I resisted the urge.

Maybe one day...

After she finished, she grabbed my penis and told me to put it away. She slapped it playfully and ordered me to make it sleep. "Look how disobedient you are," she said in mocking severity. "If I tell you to wake him up, you do it quickly, but when I tell you to put it to sleep, you don't do it." I told her I was sorry, but that I didn't have any place to put it. She said that she was going to sleep and that she hoped I had learned my lesson.

She is now asleep as I sit here, hard as a rock, happily denied but hoping she will give me so much to do tomorrow that I won't be able to work out so I can "earn" more punishment.

My favorite things today were that she used the word punishment, which I have never used in our conversations; that she said I owed her big time and that earlier, while going to the movies, I asked her if she had planned to trick me into not letting me work out and she said: "No, I didn't plan it that way. It is your own fault that you have not worked out all these days."

While I have to believe her when she said that she didn't plan to preclude me from working out so she could punish me, the fact that she threatened me about it yesterday and then today she didn't allow time for me to do my part, made me feel as if it was intentional.

And even imagining that is was an intentional trick, makes me hard...

I tremble at the thought that I'm now going to lay next to her naked body while being as aroused as I am... I love this woman!

Saturday, November 26, 2011

A couple changes...

Last Saturday, My wife suggested that we may have to make some changes to our arrangement. At the time, I agreed with everything she said, but was not exactly sure what I was agreeing to. This morning I asked her if she had given any thought to the tweaks she wanted to make and she told me that she was not to do any tweaking and that I should bring the tweaking that was needed to her so she could decide on it.

Since I've been denied for a few days, my mind went to work like an overclocked CPU in search of a proposal that would bring us closer to FLM but that she could accept. Tonight, before going to bed (denied again, by the way) she told me that she wanted to hear what I had been thinking and I explained it more or less in these words:

The arrangement that we have works wonderfully. I feel excited and full of energy when my sexual needs are high (and I explained the denial part). It is a great way to relax and enjoy a change of pace from always being the boss at work and everywhere else (she said she understood perfectly how stressful being in charge all the time could be), and I thought it also took a pressure from her because she never has to have sex because she has to anymore. (She wholeheartedly agreed with this and admitted to great orgasms in the past few weeks). I told her that I had given her the key to my sexuality and I intended to respect this commitment for as long as she would have it. I thanked her for being firm with me and for loving me enough to deny me when I didn't deserve release.

Then I described what I thought could be improved.

1) More intense teasing may be needed on the day after release to bring the energy back as soon as possible. She agreed to this, with the caveat that she may not always be able to do it. I told her that I loved to be brought back to the higher level of consciousness that sexual desire produced on me, but that as always, our plan  was not meant to force her into anything she didn't want to do. She also said that she didn't want "teasing" to become "work" for her and I agreed to accept whatever she wanted to give that was fun and enjoyable to her. I also suggested that since she told me that she doesn't feel like receiving an orgasm and then making me stop, that she should ask me for massages, body rubs, or anything she would enjoy while I'm being denied, so that it is pleasurable to her while teasing me. I wish she would let me give her oral service, but alas, she doesn't like it. Perhaps one day...

2) Develop a reward and consequence mechanism to encourage consistency. She was intrigued about this and we discussed it the most. She seemed agreeable with fulfilling a sexual fantasy of mine on Saturday if I work out Monday through Friday without fail. She was not too sure about imposing incremental consequences for each day I failed to do as required, but suggested that I prepare a list of fantasies and give it to her. She said she will decide whether or not a fantasy will be granted. In the end, I got the assignment to draft a list of fantasies and consequences to hand over to her, a delicate balancing act, because I can't be too kinky and risk losing what has been gained, but don't want to waste the opportunity of suggesting more femdom-oriented activities. Suggestions of not-too-kinky rewards and consequences are welcome as I work on the list over the next week or so.

In addition, at some points of our conversation and in response to specific concerns of hers, I promised that from now on, I was giving up the right to question her about her reasons for not having sex with me and that I would not give her an attitude regarding her decision. I told her that I may fail to keep the promise always, and she said that she understands that I am only human, but that if I'm asking for this, she doesn't want me complaining later.

I'm actually surprised at the number of submissive thoughts that I expressed to her tonight, and at the ease with which she seemed to accept them. I should not get carried away by my apparent success, however, because there is still a lot of hesitation on my still-vanilla wife, and I don't want to risk a recession by using too much of my relationship capital at once.

My next steps will be to humbly accept whatever rewards and consequences she deems appropriate to bestow upon me, continue to strive to maintain a workout schedule and to show my appreciation for her help at all times. I will not bring the subject up in conversation unless she does. If she starts going outside of our arrangement and extends her gentle domination to other areas, as I think she will, I will accept it and express my love for her, until the time is ripe for me to get my other foot out of the closet, as it were, and confess to her that I'd love for her to dominate me in all areas of my life, and use me for her exclusive pleasure.

Until then, Patience, Humility, Service, Obedience...

NOTE: Special thanks to Tamara, who suggested a posible solution for the comments problem. Although it didn't work, and I'm still unable to post comments, it led me to Mistress Ivey's blog, which I found very valuable. Thanks, Tamara!

Monday, November 21, 2011

A warning sign on the road to a FLM.

QUICK NOTE: There seems to be a problem with the comments system on this blog. While I'm allowed to make posts, I can't comment. I apologize that I can't respond to comments, and hope that this is only temporary. My ability to comment on other blogs has not been affected.

And now to the matter at hand.

Yesterday, when I arrived at home, my wife asked me if I could do the dishes. There were a lot of them, which showed that the people assigned to do dishes on Saturday and Sunday had not done them (V has a calendar of chores for everyone, and someone has to do dishes every day, Friday being my day.)

Instead of being glad for the opportunity to make V happy, I asked who was supposed to do them for the two days and suggested that maybe we should split the work. Little did I know that just before I got there, the kids were giving her an attitude about not wanting to do the dishes and that she was asking me just to get them out of the way, but had already promised some consequences to the kids for failing to do their chores. Being already upset by their reluctance to obey, she didn't need much from me to get frustrated.

"Forget it," she said, putting on the dishwasher gloves.

I tried to tell her that I would do them, to which she replied that it was too late and then she added, right there in front of the family, "and don't bother working out tonight," a reference to our arrangement of me only getting sex on days that I exercise.

Needless to say, I was devastated and after everyone was gone, I hugged her and told her how sorry I was for  not helping her, to which she said with a smile "Okay, I forgive you, but you're still not getting any." I accepted her decision meekly, being that I knew I had screwed up.

Something interesting I noticed is that she was not upset anymore. On other occasions, if everyone refused to help her and she had to do extra chores, she would be upset for a long time. Here, a few minutes after my disobedience, she was showing me lots of love and attention, and I was feeling very attentive as well. My guess is that by using her power over me to impose an immediate consequence, she got it out of her system. Apparently, she got it out of my system as well, because in the past, I would also get mad because she was upset and it would spiral down from there.

I think this is a warning sign for me on the road I'm taking. Even though it was mild and gentle, it was her own decision to deprive me of sex because I failed to please her on something that was not part of our arrangement. By accepting her decision, I honored the role that I hope she will take, a role that V seems to be enjoying more and more with every little act of dominance she engages in. I better get my act together because I think this will continue to progress as she grows into our new relationship and begins to exert more domination over me.

Today, I went and worked out without her even asking, and before I went I asked her if she needed anything form me. She said, no, but I have the feeling that she is planning on denying me tonight. If you have been reading my recent posts, you know that the condition does not say that I get sex every time I work out, but that I will definitely NOT have sex unless I work out.

I'm actually looking forward to some teasing and denial on her part. We'll see how it goes.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

She initiates a conversation...

This morning, we had a 'conversation'.

My wife initiated it by cuddling up to me and beginning to stroke me slowly. She asked me if I wanted her body, and what I would like to do with it. I answered honestly and in the affirmative and she seemed pleased by my answers. "Well, too bad, baby," she said as she continued to stroke me for a while.

Then she told me that a friend of hers was moving and needed help, and that she had signed me up to help, so I was to get up and go there. She said that if I worked hard at helping her friend move, she would count it as working out for the purposes of our game.

She commented on a couple other aspects of our game as well, and even though I don't remember the exact conversation (hey, she was stroking me!) the ideas she expressed are more or less as follows:

  • Our arrangement is working fine, for the most part, but it needs some tweaking.
  • It seems that it takes effort to tease me, and she is very busy and tired most of the time, so she's not teasing me enough.
  • In a couple of weeks, she will have more time available to make sure she motivates me more (I shuddered at this one, half in excitement, half in fear)
  • She thinks that my workouts need to be more intense, or I won't lose weight.
  • She told me that for now, she wants me to go to the gym on Tuesdays, starting this week, and that she wants me working hard.
  • She also told me that she will have to watch what I eat, but she's not sure how she's going to do that.
I don't know if I was coherent as we had the conversation, but I agreed to everything she said and went ahead and helped her friend move. She had some heavy stuff to take down two flights of stairs, so it was quite the workout actually.

I was impressed that she took it upon herself to have the conversation with me and that she did things that I have read in D/s literature, but have never discussed with her. Things like extracting a promise from me by teasing me sexually, ordering me to go help someone else, describing her thoughts of how to "help" me better and making me talk even though all I wanted was to let go and enjoy her teasing, are all things I have read on different websites and books over the past few years, but seeing her doing them apparently out of her own imagination made me very excited.

I wonder if my submissiveness, even hidden as it was, actually pushed buttons deep inside my wife's dominant side and that has encouraged her to become more dominant to me.

I'm loving it.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Being denied.

I was denied today.
In case you don't know what I'm talking about, in the last post I talked about the new game we are playing where I have to work out or I don't get sex. Well, today V told me that she was not going to count my workout and that I'd have to work out again tomorrow and "we'd see".
I'm so glad to see her beginning to embrace her power. I thanked her for her help and for being firm with me.
Before she decided to deny me, she told me that she was not sure if she was going to count my workout and that she was going to think about it. She asked me to do some other things for her today, such as serving her dinner in bed and said that maybe that would help her make up her mind. I asked her if she was trying to use her power in other areas and she said yes (WOW!) and in the end decided to let me wait another day.
The only thing I regret right now is that she can't find it in her to make me pleasure her, and by denying me, she denies herself. This may be a problem because if she gets horny enough, she may allow me to get unearned sex.
Other than that, the only thing I would wish for at this stage would be more teasing, but considering where we were just a couple of weeks ago, and how long it took me to even dare propose the idea of orgasm control to her, I can't complain. I'm in relative bliss right now and every step, no matter how small, as long as it is in the right direction, can be counted as a victory.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Can't wait for tomorrow!

First of all, I am really happy that I managed to retrieve the password for this blog. I couldn't change it because the email address that I used to create it is no longer valid. Finally I managed to figure out the password and change the email address.
Now for some real news: My wife is in control of my orgasms!!!
No, she is not dominating me quite yet, not at the level I desire, but there has been a gigantic leap of progress from the last time I posted here, and I am happier than a dog with two tails right now :) How did it happen? Read on!
Some time back, I told her that I needed motivation to exercise and lose weight. She playfully suggested that if I went and worked out for 15-30 minutes, she'd have sex with me. Of course I got up and went power walking. She fulfill her end of the deal and I got great sex. This went on for a week or two, but didn't work anymore, because she was too tired to offer sex as a reward and took pity on me when she wanted to have sex.
For a while I debated whether to bring the subject up again, and as you know, my fear always had the best part of me, but that changed the other day (actually last week) and I have been dying to find the password to this blog ever since, to share it with you :)
So how did it happen?
She said that she was very worried for my health and that I really needed to work out. I said "I know, but I'm always so tired!" we talked a little about it and I said that she could help. Since she had the previous experience, she had an idea of where I was coming from and said "I'm not going to do anything I haven't done in the years we've been married" to which I answered that it was not something new, but some structure to it. Then we agreed that I would tell her after the kids went to bed.
I was shaking with fear all afternoon, fearing that I would not dare bring the subject up, but when she came to bed, she asked me if I wanted t talk now and I agreed. What follows is a distillation of our chat. 75% of the time I was like uh... hmm... well... and having a hard time to keep my voice calm.
I explained to her that sex was the most powerful motivator in the world and that the few days that we had tried sex as a reward for exercise had worked but there were two basic problems with that approach:
1) If sex is used as a reward that is paid, anytime I work out she will be indebted to me, therefore, if she is not in the mood, or is too busy she will not want to do it, also, if I perceive that she is not going to pay, the motivation factor disappears.
2) If I don't keep my end of the bargain, but she wants to have sex, she will either have to deprive herself (punishment for her) or give me what was supposed to be a reward for free. One way or another this makes the program unworkable.
After explaining the problems I offered the following solution (I still don't know how I dared):
1) Sex would not be a direct reward for working out, but lack of it would be a consequence for failing to do it.
2) If I worked out, I may (or may not) have sex. If I didn’t, I would definitely have none.
3) The decision of whether I could have sex on working out days would be entirely in her power. She didn’t have to say why or why not and it would be entirely up to her choice.
4) If I worked out, the ‘effects’ (the possibility of having sex) expire the following morning. There is no cumulative effect or saving ‘rewards points’ for another day.
5) This game was all for me, and it should not limit her in any way. If she wants to have sex but I have not ‘earned’ it, she can have me do anything to pleasure her, sexual or non-sexual, including having sex until she is satisfied and making me stop.
6) She should have no mercy. The ‘no work out, no orgasm’ (for me) rule should be enforced always.
7) If I complain or get in a bad mood, she should remind me that I asked for this and that it is for my own good.
8) She should tease me; both verbally and physically to make sure I am as motivated as can be, whether or not she thinks that there will be sex later or not.
9) She doesn’t have to tell me if she is planning to have sex with me or not, but should require that I work out “just in case”.
10) She should make sure to tell me why I’m not getting any when I fail to do my part.
11) No excuses on my part will change her mind. This should serve me as a reminder.
Believe it or not, my wife embraced this new setup! She said that she thought it would work and that she would do it. She was laughing and I said that she seemed to be enjoying her new power and she said she was.
She said that we would start immediately so I would be going to bed without "getting any". I confessed to her that I felt a jolt in my member when she said that and she laughed again!
The only rile she had an issue with was number 5. She said she didn't think that making me stop would work for her. I told her that it would be powerful and she agreed but she doesn't think she will do it, because having me finish inside her gives her "an emotional close-out" (her words, which I don't really understand).
Anyway, that was Tuesday. Here is the summary since then:
TUE: That's the night I presented this game to her. No release.
WED: I was too tired to work out and resigned to not get any, but she came on to me and started talking to my penis, telling "him" that he was not getting any and that he knew whose fault it was. She laughed as my penis came to full attention. She told me "look at him, poor thing! You don't deserve to have a penis! You don't know how to give it what it needs" After teasing me for a while, she asked me if I had gotten a second wind and said "Go work out!" I did and had the most intense intercourse in recent memory.
THU: Nothing
FRI: Nothing
SAT: She woke me up in the morning and noticed I had an erection. She said "what are you doing here? Go work out!" I did, and when I came back she told me that she was having her period, so I was not getting any, but I was a good boy for working out. Then she added that she had been in her period since Thursday, so I'd never know if she could do it Sunday or not. (Smart one this one... she's getting the hang of it)
SUN: Too busy for anything, but I suspect that she is still in her period. Now that I have given up control of my sexual pleasure to her, I don't think I need to know when she's available or not.
That brings me up to date.
Oh, I almost forgot that yesterday I started to keep a journal of her teases, my workouts and my feelings. After I finish the entry for the day, I send it to her. I told her that it was because all this is an experiment and I may need to remember. I also told her that I'd send it to her daily by email. She said that she would be too busy to read it and I told her that she doesn't have to, because I am the only one who has to do things for this, but that if she feels like it, she can write any remarks on it as well. She said Okay.
As I said before, I'm so happy my legs are shaking (and something else is dripping).
I know this is not full-fledged female domination, but I feel great. She loves the control and the power she feels and that will ensure that she keeps it up.
Today I asked her something (non sexual) that apparently I have asked too may times and she said: "ask me one more time and you will be in so much trouble that no amount of exercise will help you." Major jolt right there!
I can't wait for tomorrow!

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Partial Progress


This is my only update in a while. The reason for it being that I don't feel like writing the same thing over and over adds anything of value to the situation.

I'm happy to report that there has been some movement in a favorable direction. Ever since the last embarrassing post, I have not fallen prey of my fantasies and have been able to remain on track. As the title says, the progress is partial, but it feels great to have something as oppossed to nothing. As I said, I feel like I'm moving in the right direction.

PARTIAL CONFESSION (or a lame email)

Last week or so, I sent an email to my wife where I told her that I had the New Year's resolution of putting her and her needs above mine. I explained that I was only happy when she was happy, so yes, it was for my own benefit, but I wanted her life to be more confortable, so I wanted her to give me feedback as to how to do that. I asked her to let me know when I was pleasing her and when I was not and I also asked her to allow me to serve her. I adapted this approach from a book titled "Simply Rika". It is not a full confession of my fantasies and desires, but it gives her a starting point to understand what is going on inside this messed up head of mine.

She did not answer the email and acted as if she was going to ignore, so I thought she didn't like the idea, even as tame as I presented it to her, but I have seen some subtle changes in the past few days.

SOME CHANGES (or am I imagining things?)

For the next two days after I sent her the email, she invited me to watch movies with her. On one of those days, my son came to tell me that the local team had won and V said, "You missed the game to watch a movie with me? Aww, that's so sweet!"

I approached her one morning with visible sexual "intent" and she told me that she was a bit tired but she would "let me have sex" if I would be a good boy after and made her breakfast in bed. You can bet I was a VERY good boy and made sure she enjoyed as much as I could make her. Later that day, she told me I had been very good in the morning.

She was singing a song where the singer says that she is wrapped around the finger of her lover and changed the lyrics to say that I was wrapped around her finger. I thought her choice of language was interesting but it came from a song, so not from the famous book.

We went to visit some friends. After we ate, she handed me her empty plate and asked me to go get her more food. I did, pretty much interested in the fact that she asked me to do something for her in public, when usually people expect that she'd be the one serving me.

While at our friend's we playing a game where after each round the winner became "king". My wife was lucky enough that after spending some rounds in the lower positions, she won the final round and became "Forever King" of the tournament. I joked that it was not enough that she ruled at our house, but now she was ruling me in other places as well. She teased me that she was my wife and that's the way it was suppossed to be. Everyone laughed, but to me it was a little bit more than a simple joke and felt a deep connection to my wife at that time.

She was not doing anything at the time, but still called me to tell me that she wanted a snack. She asked me to make her a sandwitch and bring it to her bed.

She told me that she was tired and going to bed, but that I should put the food away and put the gilrs to bed. To this I added doing all the dishes and cleaning the table, even though she had not asked.


All these things and others are subtle. She is not commandeering or demanding. SHe also says please and thank you a lot, but I guess that's part of her personality and as long as she shows me her appreciation and gives me the opportunity to serve her, I feel fulfillment.

The question remains, am I seeing too much into things, or is she really giving me the chance to serve her? I guess that time will tell.


As any reader of these things may be aware, I've been trying to become V's submissive for a while now. Before this partial confession, I had been trying "stealth submission". There were a few signs that encouraged me to take the determination to do the partial confession. Here are a couple of them.

V was sitting in the living room one day and told me that she was very tired and she wanted me to goive her a food massage, but without giving me anything in return. I smiled and gave her the foot massage with great care.

One day, after I had done something for her, I don't remember what, she told me I had been a very good boy, and she was going to give me a prize, so she asked me to get the lotion. I did, thinking that she was going to give me a hand job, but also thinking that it was very unusual for her to initiate such a thingm because she has only given me hand jobs when I begged her and only if she couldn't have regular sex. After I came back with the lotion, she said: "So you have earned the porivilege of givinf me a massage." I was pleased, but also surpprised. She took me off balance and she noticed because she laughed and asked "What, you thought it was for you? Aww... poor boy!" I have her a massage with the lotion and then she turned around and slapped the bed. "Come here," she said, and of course, I complied.

MY THOUGHTS ON THIS (or what I think that I think)

I think my wife is beginning to show some initiative in making use of my disposition to serve her. I don't know if she's doing it only for me or she's really beginning to enjoy my submission. I hole it's the second one, so she gradually become more comfortable with her power over me. FOr now I think there are a few things I have to keep in mind if I want this to continue progressing:
  • Continue my service to her, even when unasked. This way she'll see that I'm not going after a quick thrill, but the real thrill is serving her.
  • Show her how pleased I am whenever she exerts a bit of dominance over me, even if it doesn't go according to my fantasies. Show her that I enjoy every bit of her control.
  • Remind her how much I love her and how much I want to please her, every day.
  • Act strong and masculine while expressing my attraction for her feminine charms. I think one thing that drives vanilla women away from submissive men is the perception that they are weak or effeminate. I am submissive, but not gay or effeminate (not that I have anything against gays or effeminate men, just that I am not one and don't think V would be interested in being married to one)
  • Continue to put her pleasure first when it comes to sex. Or at least try, since sometimes it's a bit hard to contain myself when my excitement level is high. Recently I have been more successful at this that I used to be, though. I wish she would allow me to pleasure her orally, to make sure she enjoys first, but she has told me many times that she doesn't like oral sex.
  • Make my best effort not to "take matters into my own hands", by doing things like pleasuring myself and punishing myself. These things undermine the power V can exersize over me and end up resulting in more guilt and frustration than the little pleasure I can derive from them.
I don't know, but moving in the right direction, even if it's slow, has been a great joy. I wish that 2011 brings me closer and closer to my dream of serving V openly and with all my heart. For the very first time in many months I'm looking at it from a positive perspective. I'll continue to expand on the progress and hopefully avoid the oft-repeated screw up of falling back to the lazy, self-serving, uncooperative nature of the frustrated submissive.
What will come of this, I don't know, but I hope the wait is worth it.