Sunday, March 11, 2012

Darned Tricksy Feelings

Reading on some other blogs recently, I noticed a common thread: Most aspiring submissives are disillusioned. It must be a phase of the moon for so many to go through a down phase at the same time. I mean, I know for a fact that all these pseudo-dommes have not been talking to each other, "hey, let's all get together and frustrate our husbands, but not the way they like to be frustrated, oh, yes, look how evil we are!"

All joking aside, I was going through a downer as well.

I think it is perfectly normal for a wife to have less energy at times, but knowing it intellectually does nothing to help with the feelings of rejection and lack of love that I experience when Miss V is on the low mood. Whenever I allow myself to be dragged down by those feelings and get depressed, we begin to feed on each other's mood until we both end depressed and with no personal attention requested, offered or given, no one gets satisfaction to their needs. 

The problem is that when we are denied, our feelings intensify and every gesture, every word, every sound takes on a charged meaning. If that meaning is not one of dominance, acceptance, lust or sex, we automatically categorize it as the opposite and end up frustrated (and again, not in the good way).

I have learned, at least intellectually, to give Miss V space and time to come back to herself. I try to remain positive and ask her if there is something I can do to her or for her and she usually either sends me away with a low key, "no, thanks" or asks me to help the children, so they don't have to continually ask her for help while she is busy. (Contrary to mine, part of Miss V's job has to be done at home).

Last week we were going through one of these low periods and contrary to my own advice, I started to get cranky. I didn't act up in any way, but began to have those darned feelings that "my wife doesn't love me anymore" or "I can't be in this kind of relationship" or plainly "I hate this life!"

Well, I think there are good news and bad news. The bad news is that those pesky feelings will not go away, because they are part of my own self. I will continue to feel rejected, unloved, uncared for, any time there is a little less attention from Miss V. The good news is that if I learn to recognize those feelings, and accept them as a natural part of who I am, even though I may not be able to curb the feelings themselves, I will gain the freedom to decide what my reaction to the feelings is going to be. I am free to choose to wallow in my misery, dragging Miss V and our relationship down with me, or I can choose to recognize that despite my feelings to the contrary, she still loves me, cares for me and is just tired, stressed out, or frustrated with other things that believe it or not, don't actually revolve around the center of MY universe.

If I can do this, I'm sure going to be a help for Miss V and her low moods will be shorter and less frequent. Even if I'm wrong on this, I can use her low moods as an opportunity to prove to her and myself that I truly mean it when I say that I love her and want to serve her whether there is an immediate reward for me or not.

This week's funk is over, and not surprisingly I'm feeling all happy again.

Yesterday, Miss V made me make love to her and stopped me after having three orgasms. I'm kind of becoming proud of "my ability" to get her off multiple times (in quotes because I think it is actually her ability to let herself go and enjoy, but I still feel more virile when it happens).

I took her out to lunch and after we came back she said that taking her out to lunch had been a very sweet thing, but she was an evil woman and she was paying me back with "this". She opened my pants and rubbed me until I was panting in anticipation, then she let go, walked back and ordered me to "put it away" (which is one of those orders that I can never obey, because the more she orders it, the harder it becomes).

She told me that I better clean the house today, or she's going to "make me cry".

I have no idea what she means, because she has never made me cry before, but I'm going to get away from the computer now and start cleaning some, because she is about to come back home, and I'm sure she expects something done.

I just mention this to make the case that as usual, my feelings about this were all wrong. Miss V. had not stopped loving me, or caring for me, and after she started to feel better, came back to tease and denial, and a threat that I very much want to see her execute.

I hope this lesson can be learned learned and applied and I don' let those darned tricksy feelings, whenever I have them, drag me down.

What can I do for Miss V. today?

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

More Progress and a Worrying Question.

This Saturday, Miss V brought teasing to a new level of excitement and frustration. First, she made it very clear that even though I had worked out, she was not going to feel forced in any way by it. While this has been an implicit part of our agreement from the beginning, it still felt powerful the way she said it.

She said that I was sloppy this week and slow to listen to her, so now she was going to be slow to do what I wanted her to do. While she was staying this, she was removing her clothes, so you can probably guess that I was a little confused by the mixed signals. That didn't last long, however, because when she finished taking her clothes off, she laid by my side and explained herself.

"You want to know why I'm taking my clothes off?" She asked. "I just want you to be very aware of what you are NOT going to get today because you have been a bad boy this week."

For the next hour or so, she allowed me to lay at her side, kissing and rubbing her while she rubbed my erection with her feet and played an online game on her phone with some dude... At the end of which, she pushed me away and allowed me to lick and suck on her feet, which were covered in my precum. I can't even begin to describe how submissive I felt at having to lick my own precum off her feet while she told me how fun it was for her to keep me like that.

She explained that she had noticed that I enjoyed denial too much, so she was not going to allow me inside her, even if that punished her, so I was only going to give her a massage. She handed me the lotion and turned around, still playing the online game on her phone. As I climbed over her to give her the requested massage, she opened her legs so that my knee was between her legs. In that position she started to rub herself against my leg and I am proud to report that she eventually had to stop playing her game and closed her eyes, enjoying both the action of my hands giving her relaxing attention, but also the rubbing she was giving herself against me. Whether she got an orgasm or not, she didn't let me know. I don't think she did, but she left me wondering.

After she subjected me to this process, she asked me for last Saturday's to-do-list and proceeded to update it. The list was shorter, but it included some larger projects, a trend that I observed last week. She also mentioned that she only expected me to complete two of them, while the rest only needed to be started.

I worked hard to complete the two mandatory tasks, but I have to confess I didn't get to starting the others. I'm sure she's going to say something next week when I present the list for updating. As I write this, I am still denied, and hope that it will continue after tonight, even though she already implied that we will have sex.

The main development between this week and previous ones was that she initiated the denial action on her own volition even against the technicality. Having me licking her precum soiled feel while playing an online game with another guy were also dominant acts, at least from my point of view. Form this side of things, I consider it a successful week. However there is a point of concern to me and is in Miss V deciding that I enjoy denial so much that it is not a punishment and she will opt to not let me touch her.

I can see this working two ways, and while one of them could work out to be deliciously evil, the other one could be a disaster. Let me explain with two scenarios here,

Miss V Rules that denial is a privilege and can only be earned if I do as I'm told. This places orgasm and denial on the same category and places the authority to make the decision between them entirely on her. This would be an ideal scenario because one of my concerns right now is how little motivation I get to be obedient when I crave denial.

Miss V decides that I will have sex when I do as I'm told and not be allowed to be teased and denied when I don't. This makes orgasm denial, in the sense I desire it almost non-existent and place us in the same situation we were before this entire thing began, except that I will be less happy, because she won't have sex with me out of her sense of duty, like she was doing before, so it would be just less sex and no tease.

The question now is how can I influence this decision making process to avoid scenario 2 and encourage scenario 1? If you have any ideas, please feel free to chip in and share. This is where I'd love to have hundreds of readers, so I could get a good sample of answers (since only a small percent of readers actually contribute) but I assure you that every little comment you leave here is appreciated.