The New Journal of V's boy

I need to say "yes" more...

2012-01-30T18:17:00.000-08:00

This morning was the day. I was sure of it. I had worked out, I had been good, had done everything V had asked of me and then some...

It didn't happen.

When I woke up, she was gone. Anyone who knows V, even remotely, knows that once she is up, she is up and there is almost nothing I can do to bring her back down. I say almost because it has been known to happen, on special ocassions.

When it was about time for me to go to work, she entered the room and told me to get up and go. I pleaded a bit, not really daring to beg as much as I really wanted to because I know she doesn't want me to act "needy".

To all that, she only smiled, basking, I know, in the warmth of my undivided attention. She looks radiant these days, but I can't tell if it's because she feels wanted and cared for, or if it is a mirage of the psychochemicals.

The truth is, I don't care.

All I care for is that I love this woman. I love her deeply and also lust for her. I am a lucky man in that the object of my lust also happens to be the subject of my love. I'm glad that I have discovered orgasm denial and that V has been loving enough to take her first steps into it, because this deepends and enhances our relationship. It's funny how regulating the man's drive can affect the couple so much. From some material I read yesterday, I formed what I think is an interesting thought about submission and marital harmony, but it will have to wait for another posting, as there is no time or space here for that. Of course, it may be that the fact that I find my thoughts interesting is but another symtom of psychochemical mirage. (A good name for a rock band)

Let's come back to the story.

"I worked out," I blurted out in a final pathetic attempt to get her attention as she was about to leave the room.

"Aww!" she said, doing that hot little thing girls do when they walk away with a little bounce on their step, fling their purse over their shoulder as they look back at you. "This means you will work out again today."

Man! This woman is hot, little bouce and all!

All day at work I was thinking of her.

When I got home, she was watching TV with the kids and I said hello. She blew me a kiss, but then said that she would come get a good kiss and walked me to the bedroom. We made out a little, talked a little and I asked her at what time she was going to leave.

"I have 20 minutes," she said, quickly adding: "And no, mister. 20 minutes is not enough."

I smiled. Knowing that I still have not worked out, I did not even try to get into a quickie that would only be for her and might cost me a couple more days of denial, so I remained quiet.

"Now, you have not even worked out, have you?" She said a little later, reading my thoughts the way wives do. "You have to work out first, you know the rules".

At a diferent time, I may have protested that she could still have whatever she wanted, but not today. Today I desperately need to do whatever she says so she gives me release.

"You set up these rules and gave me permission to enforce them," she added, even though I was not protesting. "And you are not going to get out of them."

"Yes," I said, realizing that maybe the reason she kept insisting was that she misunderstood my compliant silence with defiance. "I will work out for you."

"Good boy," she said as she left the house.

From this exchange, I gathered that I need to be more vocal in accepting V's control. I have to say "yes" to whatever she chooses to impose over me instead of remaining silent. In a way this is good, because it means that I get the opportunity to verbally acknowledge my obedience to her in a non-threatening way (because she asked)

I'm leaving now, as I need to work out before V comes back home. I will add a note later, saying whether this became day 6 of my denial or if a new cycle begins.

NOTE (1/31/12): A new count begins today. I did work out, but she said "I don't know if you want to do me, but I am tired and want to go to sleep." I didn't press the case as I would have done in times past, because even though I know she would have allowed it, it would discourage her dominance.

Five Days

2012-01-29T23:29:00.000-08:00

The last time I posted, I was hoping for a night release, but it didn't happen.

As a matter of fact, right now I have been denied for 5 days. Now, for the first two nights and one day, she didn't tease me at all, so it was not true denial, but on the third night, she got naked and told me that I was to cuddle with her and fondle myself thinking of what I was not going to get. I obediently did, bringing myself to the edge while she relaxed and eventually fell asleep. Just like that, without much effort on her part, my submissive mood skyrocketed. I loved how easily she used her power over me.

On the fourth day, she was playful and flirty again. When night came, I asked her if she wanted me and she said "yes". After very little foreplay, I was inside her, pumping with gusto, her legs around my waist. The orgasm came quick to her this time. It appears that she needs less and less time to reach it these days, which I'm sure is a good thing for her, but not so much for me.

Suddenly, unexpectedly, she stopped.

"I'm done," she said, pushing my hips away. "Good night".

"Are you finished?" I asked, panting, and not only because of the short session.

"Twice, baby," she said, pushing me again.

Obediently, meekly, I pulled out and allowed the unspent energy to flow out in a sigh. Before she thought the sigh was a complaint, I told her I loved her, and she said she loved me too.

I fell asleep eventually, remembering that she had promised to be stronger with me, and grateful that she had done so.

This morning (the 5th day) I woke up ready and willing, nay, more like horny and desperate. She played a bit with my penis, told me how hard and big it was and how much she liked it (Note: It is not big, she means bigger than usual) then she got up and we went on our daily routines.

Tonight, after having worked out and totally expecting an orgasm, she went to sleep, leaving me here with a 5 day-old hard-on. Now, before anyone tells me that 5 days is nothing, let me say that I'm new at this, and save on rare occasions when I was sick, I have never gone 5 days without release, especially when she has teased me in the last 3. In the past, I always "took matters in my own hands" as many like to call it. This time, however, I want to keep away from temptation so I can fully experience V's feminine power. Even with that, I fear that I may lose control and masturbate.

I wonder if I can find a way to introduce a chastity device at this point, or if it's too premature.

Anyway, as desperate as I am right now, I'll try to have sex with her in the morning. A part of me wishes that she would allow me to pleasure her and then stop me, but another part of me wants to get release already. We will see what happens.

NOTE: For anyone interested in the weight-loss part of the program, after stumbling a little and re-gaining a few pounds (when I got sick during V's vacation) I am back in track and have lost 10 pounds net (some of them a couple times). I know it's not much, but enough that I can feel the diference in my clothes, my knees, which were hurting almost every day, and V has stopped complaining that I am too heavy when we make love.

A misunderstanding and a promise...

2012-01-23T21:12:00.000-08:00

My wife is getting more comfortable denying me lately. The other day we talked and she told me she had noticed that our little 'arrangement' was not working as much as she wanted and that she would think of how to make it work better. I didn't try to give her ideas, although I have many, because it is probably the first time she suggests changes to what has up until now been mostly my initiative.

All I asked was "How is it working for you?"

She answered so quickly and coherently that I know she had been thinking about it.

"Oh," she said leaning back against her pillows. "It is working for me very well. I like it because you know what our mother's teach us about doing everything that the man wants so he won't leave you? All these things about your 'needs' as a man and all that?"

"Yes," I said, but the tone cracked up and went up at the end, making it sound like a question.

"Well, you have given me permission to not have to do anything I don't want to, and now I feel like I can do it whenever I really want to, and maybe because if that, I am enjoying my orgasms more than I used to."

I didn't have time to talk anymore, but her choice of the word 'permission' made me think deeply about denial, dominance and the consent that the submissive gives to his dominant, but that may be fodder for another post.

Getting back to the topic at hand, my wife had me work out three days in a row while still being denied, on one of the days she declared that I had not worked out, because she "said so," even though she knew I had, and ordered me to give her a massage.

It was bliss.

On the third night, she told me to wake her up in the morning, which I eagerly did. After she had enjoyed three orgasms (I didn't really know, she bragged about it later) and I was about to have a big one myself, my watch alarm beeped the hour.

"Time's up, babe!" She said in a sexy voice while still pulling me closer and deeper and deeper.

This is where I misunderstood. Because of her tone of voice and body language, and maybe also because I was so close to the edge I could not think clearly, I thought she was telling me that it was getting late and I should finish right away. That is exactly what I did, finished on what I thought was her command, in a sudden gasp, even after only three days of denial.

We didn't have much time for cuddling or bask in each other's warmth, because both had to leave, so we set up to get ready.

"I was doing you a favor," she said suddenly.

"Huh?" I answered, in typical male-after-sex way.

"I told you that the time was up so you could be energized," she said. "But you didn't stop."

I felt terrible.

Here she was, accepting what I had told her that being denied energized me, knowing full well that in stopping me she was doing me a favor, and when she went ahead and did it, I just didn't listen.

"I'm so sorry, honey," I said, not knowing what else I could say to mitigate any potential damage, even though she didn't look mad and was talking to me matter-of-factly. "I didn't notice, I guess I was too involved and I just didn't understand your message."

"Don't worry," she said with a smile. "Next time, I will be stronger."

I can't wait to see what she will do "next time", which I hope will be tonight. I don't know if she will be up to anything, though, because we have both been sick, and even though we both feel better now, we are very tired.

EDIT: Nothing Happened. She was very tired and went to sleep.

NOTE: For some reason blogger is not letting me post comments again. The last time it resolved itself, so I won't worry too much, except to post this notice so you know I'm not ignoring your comments. I can still see them on the comments section , so If you have a comment, please feel free to leave it. The situation right now is this: I can't see see the individual pages of the blog, so can't comment, but I can see the main page, and I can see the comments listed in the comments section of "My Blogs" page. Interestingly enough I am having the same problem (can;t comment or see comments) with some other blogs, but not all.

A demon from the past raises its ugly head...

2012-01-13T21:50:00.000-08:00

I have been denied for quite a few days and enjoying it wonderfully. It is amazing how energized I feel. Even after having release, the energy drop that most bloggers and writers describe has not been too big, and I have managed to remain submissive daily for many days now. I love the feeling and would love for it to continue.

One of the things that I have been doing to "keep it up" is that almost on a daily basis, I play with myself until the edge of orgasm, then stop. I have been using this as a method to increase my submissiveness and it works, up to a certain extent, because I have to do it several times to reach the same level I reach when let's say, V lets me bring her to orgasm and then stops me, or when she teases me heavily and then lets me dry. I'm sure that if I was edging at her command, it would be a different story, but we are not there yet.

Now, the reason I mention these things is that V has been away for a few days and I'm home alone. Yesterday, while I was edging, I almost had an orgasm and had to interrupt it. I was not sure whether I had ruined an orgasm (not a lot of experience there) or I had actually stopped it, so I played with it a bit more and almost immediately went all the way through and had an orgasm. It's been a long time since I had one without V and I felt miserable for having failed myself like that.

I am no stranger to masturbation. At one time in my life, I was a serious masturbation addict. The addiction was so serious that sometimes I'd miss work to spend the day masturbating. I would stop the car by the side of the road to masturbate in the middle of the day and walked out to the bathroom in the middle of a party to masturbate. My days (and nights) were consumed with the addiction as more and more time and stimulation were required to reach the same level of satisfaction. It took years (even after I was married) for me to bring this addiction under control, so I know that this is something I must avoid.

Well, yesterday, after masturbating once, I lost control and went and did it again. If I had felt bad because of one failure, doing it twice made me feel like a worthless piece of crap, especially because having just had an orgasm, I KNEW that I didn't NEED one, just WANTED one. Out of selfishness and pettiness, I abandoned my self-proclaimed fidelity to my wife and failed her, and myself, twice.

It was not until later in the day that I experienced the effects. With my almost constant sexual "high" depleted, I found I had completely lost any feelings of submissiveness. As a matter of fact, I felt like I didn't even felt comfortable thinking about submitting to a woman. Being aware of how my feelings were progressing, and having read about how tease and denial keeps a man submissive, I was not surprised that my submissive feelings were gone. I had expected to feel something when I had an orgasm, but what I felt after the two orgasms, was strikingly noticeable.

I felt like I was a different person, a man with no feelings, no empathy, devoid of joy and passion, living in a colorless world. It brought memories of a time, years ago, when I entered into a severe state of depression, when all I wanted was to die, and despised myself even more for lacking the courage to do anything about it. This must have been if not the most, one of the darkest times of my life. In contrast, the years I've spent with V, even the rough early ones, are like a ray of sunshine.

All I want right now is to have her close, to confess to her that I had failed and to wet her feet with my tears begging for her forgiveness. Oh, if only she would stand over me, express her disapproval and punish me severely for my wrongdoing! I don't know if I should tell her of my failure, because if I did, it would only hurt her feelings and make her distance herself from me. If she asked, I would not be able to lie to her, but otherwise, I don;t think I should mention it.

I've read that an addict is never really cured, but must remain vigilant and in control, lest the addiction overcome him again. This is one of my personal demons, one that thanks to V, her patience and her love for me, has lost his grip over my life and has retreated to a dark corner, out of sight for the most part. It is up to me to be strong every time this beast raises its ugly head.

My wife will be with me again in less than a week. I hope I will be able to resist temptation until then.

I am so sorry...

Observations on the last few days.

2012-01-07T13:06:00.001-08:00

These are some observations of our progress in the last few days.

JANUARY 4
(Follow up from previous post) I don't remember the reason, and it doesn't matter, but my wife pulled me towards her and smacked my bottom with the kitchen utensil I mentioned in the previous post. It was not hard, but the fact that she go over her initial reticence to using something on my bottom was rewarding. After that, she was giving instructions to me as I was getting dressed and she asked me to repeat something she said. When I did, something was not quite right and she smacked the bed really hard in front of me and made me repeat it. I did so, hoping that the smack that she gave the bed was done in my bottom, but that's okay, because we are progressing.

JANUARY 5
She told me that she would be away most of the day and gave me a (very short) list of things to do before she got back. One of them was to make sure I worked out, to which she added that there would be a lot of fun for me later if I did. I worked out and after she came back home, we went out to dinner and a movie. When we returned, which was almost at midnight, she told me that she was working on a project that required concentration and that she wanted peace and quiet, so she was going to leave again. I told her that she didn't have to, and she made me promise that I would "blend in" with the background, so she would't even notice me. I said that I'd be quiet, but she wanted more. She said that if I got too close to her, or sighed, or stared at her, or acted 'needy' she would lose her concentration and she would leave. I put on earphones and listened to music quietly in a corner until she finished her project, at which time, she turned the light off and went to sleep. I thought I was going to get an orgasm because she was so emphatic on my need to work out, but this is a right I have given up to her, so I can't complain.

JANUARY 6
When I woke up she was gone. I thought she had left the house to work on her project and kind of lingered longer in bed, resigned that my workout of the day before would become invalid, but before I got up, she returned. She began to undress and said that she needed a break, so she wanted to know if I had worked out the day before. Then she said that even though it was not the early morning, she would still call it valid, because she said so. I told her that I had not yet brushed my teeth and she said "Go quickly then, because I want to tongue-kiss you." I ran to the bathroom as she finished undressing.

We kissed for as long as she wanted and then had sex until she had her first orgasm.

"Did you work out today?" She asked while we still moved.

"No," I said. She knew I hadn't.

"Then I guess we are done here," she said, but when I tried to pull out in obedience, she held me closer and asked me. "Did you work out yesterday?"

"Yes," I said meekly.

"Mmm!" She began to push harder. "Are you lying to me?"

"No," I said. I would not lie to her about this, and she knows it, but she seems to enjoy making me tell her.

She didn't say anything, but seemed to be enjoying what we were doing, so I continued. When I felt that the edge was near, I asked her if she had made up her mind.

"Maybe," she said driving me closer to orgasm with each trust.

"Do you want to save me like this for later, or do you want for me to get off right now?" I spoke in her ear.

She cleaved her nails on my back, appeared to consider for a moment and then said "You can come."

I complied.

"Now, get up and get me (3 things I don't remember)" she said after I had rested a little.

I got up and put on a pair of pants to get whatever she had asked for and she started to laugh. I asked her what was the matter and she said

"You are still my 'biatch', and I love it!"

That brought a smile to my face.

JANUARY 7
We woke up a little earlier than the other days. Sadly winter break is over and we have to go back to work on Monday, but we still have the weekend.

I started sweet-talking my wife and telling her how wonderful she is. from there I evolved to rubbing her back and kissing her neck.

"What are you doing?" She asked. "You have not worked out yet,"

"I'm trying to get my energy," I said, pulling her closer.

"You're not trying hard enough," she said.

I interpreted that (correctly, I think) as a green light so, I pulled her closer, pulled her pants down and penetrated her from behind. As I made love to her, she asked me if the energy I received from this was stolen from her somehow. I explained that it was not energy taken from her, but more like making my brain think that an orgasm was coming, letting it prepare for it by releasing the proper hormones and then using the energy for other things. She said that it was funny, how even though we consciously know these things, there is still something inside our bodies that makes them work. She also commented that it makes her wonder how many other things in life we really don't have any control over, even though we think we do.

After that, she let herself go into an orgasm, but she was quiet and I was not sure she was done. She told me it was time to stop.

"Really?" I asked. "You had pleasure?"

"Yes," she answered, then explained that there are different types of orgasms, something that I'm not sure I understand (okay, I admit, something I don't understand at all).

"Yesterday's, was explosive, like totally awesome" she explained. "Today's was soft and tender, but I enjoyed them both."

"Now, go get me breakfast," she said immediately as I pulled myself out of her. "I want waffles, two of them and one egg. Now, the last time you put too little syrup, so get me more syrup this time. Oh, and I don't care how you do this, but I feel like having a strawberry, so I want a strawberry on top."

She was laughing, because we both knew that there are no strawberries in the house and she would not wait for me to go get one anywhere.

"Do you like asking for the impossible?" I asked.

"Sometimes it's fun," she said.

"And what's going to happen if I can't bring you a strawberry?"

"I haven't planned it that far yet," she said.

I prepared her breakfast as instructed and found some multi-flavored candy left from last week. I pick the red ones and tasted a couple to find which color was strawberry. I think I found it and placed the last candy of that flavor on top of the syrup-soaked waffles.

"Look!" She exclaimed when she saw the candy. "My man went to the highest mountain, crossed the deepest ocean and fought a dragon to get me a strawberry!"

She gave me three things to do today. Two of which are almost done already, so it's really not that much. I asked her if there was anything else I could do for her.

"I'll let you know if I need anything," she said, and my penis gave a little jolt at the thought.

"That's because you are a hunter," she said when I mentioned the sensation. "Your purpose is to go, do and get things for me."

I loved her more at that moment, if such a thing is possible.

Later, when we were getting ready to go out, she was wearing a pair of beautiful sandals that leave most of her feet bare. For some reason, I find almost bare to be sexier than completely bare and I could not stop staring at her feet.

"What should I wear?" I asked.

She picked a shirt and pants and I asked her if she was sure. The pants were one size too small and I thought they would not fit.

"Look," she said. "I never tell you what to wear and the one time I do, you question me?"

I quickly realized my mistake and apologized, kneeling on the floor in front of her and kissing her feet all over. "I will wear the clothes you picked up for me," I said. "I'm sorry."

"You have to learn not to read so much into things!

After I stood up and put my clothes on, I noticed that I have actually lost enough weight that the pants look good on me. I mentioned that I lost weight.

"I know," she said. "You were too heavy for me before, when we made love, but now you are okay."

I didn't answer, but was surely enjoying the compliment when she made it even better.

"Your penis also feels bigger when you lose weight."

It seems I'm learning some good stuff here, so I need to keep losing weight for her.

Now, we are getting ready to out together. She said that we will walk instead of drive and this will count as my workout, because she is asking me to do it.

COMMENTS
Things are progressing better than I expected. My wife is bringing the sexuality up more often and using it to get her way with me. She has denied me during sex a few times now and seems comfortable with the idea, even though before she tried she had told me that she would probably never do it. She has called me her "biatch" a couple times now and seems to have accepted the idea of requiring me to complete a task or a set of tasks in order to deserve sexual release.

She has told me a couple times also that she is going to "kick my butt" later. I look forward to submitting to whatever her vision of kicking my butt is when she finally decides to do it. I have learned to be patient and let her work things out in her mind first, so the fact that she is mentioning it is enough for now.

With Winter break coming to a close, things will become more hectic around here and maybe less conducive to tease and denial activities, but I hope we can figure out a way to keep the flames hot.

Caught and denied.

2012-01-04T00:57:00.000-08:00

This morning, when my wife woke up, I was ready with huge erection to serve her. I knew I had not worked out yesterday, but I was willing to let her use me like she did yesterday. Leaving me unfulfilled after having her orgasm accelerated my horniness by a factor of several days, so even though right now, I have only been denied a couple of days, I feel like it has been much, much longer.

When I tried to approach her, she said no. She said that she was still satisfied from yesterday and didn't need me. She did allow me, however to serve her breakfast in bed. She asked for cereal with milk and I added the last banana we had. I went to the bathroom and when I entered the room again, found her laying in bed with the banana between her breasts, caressing and rubbing it as if it were a phallus.

"Oh," she said teasingly as she smelled the banana, rubbing it on her cheek and kissing it. "I love bananas. I love their shape and how long and firm they are! I wish there was something more real that could make me feel like this, but regrettably there is nothing..."

I was so horny that I wanted to do anything, even if I didn't get relief. I offered.

"Are you begging for sex?" she asked.

"No," I said unsure, but quickly reconsidered. "Yes."

She laughed at me, informed me that she was going out and asked me if I still had things to do from the list she had given me the day before. I told her the status and she pointed our a couple of things to give priority to. Then she left, saying that she would be home before nightfall, so I should make sure I worked out.

Before she left, she changed and before putting her underwear on, she bent over and rubbed herself against my erection.

"Ohh, am I being mean?" she purred when she heard my agitated breathing.

"Yes," I said, my voice breaking a little.

"Good. That was the idea."

"Don't worry," I promised. "I'll make sure I work out today."

"Oh, baby, I'm not worried. You are the one who has to live with the consequences... I have no consequences."

With that, she pushed me into the bed and grabbed me by my penis.

"Now, you need to put this away."

"I can't," I responded. "There is no sheath to place it."

"That's right," She said with finality.

What we were referring to was a brief exchange we had the other day when she told me that she would not allow me to call her sexual opening by its name anymore because she had read that the term was a derivation from Latin that meant "a dagger's sheath". Since she considered the term sexist, I would not be allowed to use it anymore. from now on, I am to refer to it as her delicate "flower". I considered the name silly, but if that is the way she chooses to dominate me, I will comply, so from now on, a flower it is, and oh, how much I want to smell the flower right now ;)

Later, I went through the several blogs I read and was toying with my penis a bit and was about to do some self-spanking with a kitchen spatula when she surprisingly arrived. She found the bedroom door locked and knocked. I pulled my pants up and opened the door.

"If you keep playing with it, it's going to fall off."

She had caught me, so there was no denying it.

"I'm sorry," I said.

Then she found the kitchen spatula, which idiot me had left on her side of the bed.

"What is this?" She asked. "Where did you get this and what is it doing on my bed?"

"It's a spatula," I said lamely.

"This is not ours," she said. "Did you steal it?"

"No," I said.

"Why are you so nervous?" she asked. "What have you been doing?"

I knew I had to confess. I told her the truth. I had bought the spatula about three years ago, in our old house, in a fit of kink, and had given it to her together with a blindfold and a note where I asked her to blindfold me and spank me with the spatula. Back then, she had been offended and had thrown the bag, note and all on my little storage area. Today, she remembered nothing of the event.

I explained that I still had it because I hoped that she would spank me with it. She said that she would spank me but with her hands, because she "is not kinky". I told her that I didn't want her to hurt her hands and that if she spanked me while we were having sex. like she had done back in the day, she could not really reach. I mentioned that if she just spanked me outside of sex, then it didn't mattered because she could put me in any position she wanted.

I don't know how much of this sunk in, so it will have to be seen, but it is a little more information out there in the open. We'll see if she chooses to act on it or not. I'm secretly hoping that she would get mad and decide to really spank me. Even though I'm a little afraid of real pain, I have always been curious as to what feelings it will elicit, especially combined with tease and denial.

The rest of the day passed normally, with me fully expecting to get some, but she just announced that she is tired and is going to sleep. I wonder if she is upset about catching me playing with myself or because I just confessed that I want to be spanked, or if she is just tired and tomorrow everything will take from where it let off today.

The intensity of my feelings is playing tricks on my head.

New Year, More New Developments

2012-01-02T10:50:00.000-08:00

After opening up to my wife and expressing my wish to be sexually controlled by her, she decided to deny me for another day, but on December 31, she pulled me over, told me that I have been "very good" lately and that since it was a special day, she wanted to make an exception and have sex with me.

Being that I had been denied for a week, I quickly responded, but did my best not to ejaculate before she had at least one orgasm. I was successful at one, but having her tell me to go ahead and in her words "go for it, baby!" was more than I could resist, so I more or less obediently came.

After that, she told me that I would have to work out double, but later she said that if I took her dancing that night, she would count it as a work out. It was indeed a work out, as we danced until my legs (and hers) were about to give up.

The next morning, V had a bad hangover, so she asked me to do the dishes and cook, because we were expecting visitors for dinner (otherwise, she would have called it a Sandwich Sunday, something not uncommon in our household). She told me to recruit the help of the kids, but I thought that would be a great opportunity to give her service and told her not to worry a bit. I did the dishes and made dinner while my honey slept her huge headache away.

When we sat with the visitors and had dinner, she was complimented on her cooking and she confessed that she had just woken up and thanked "anyone who helped making such a great dinner". I didn't say anything, but the kids mentioned that it was all me. The proud look she game me was one of the highlights of my day, and it would have been THE highlight of my day except for what followed.

When I entered the room, she pulled me over and said "I'm back!" We kissed, and she teased the hell out of me and my erection. She laughed at it, told me to put it away and told me that since I hadn't worked out (per our agreement, my workouts are "valid" the day they happen and the early morning of the next day, meaning before we get out of bed) I had no options, other than to sleep near her naked body and think of what I was missing.

I need to say that it was a "hard" night and I didn't sleep all of it. Having my wife's nakedness in my hands and not being able to do anything about it was a powerful reminder of the power I have given her.

In the morning, she turned her back towards me and started rubbing herself against my erection (no, it was not up all night, although it seemed so) and making purring sounds. All I wanted was to grab her and make love to her and when she asked me "What's the matter, baby? Are you afraid of me?" I could not help it and just penetrated her.

"Are you being bad?" she asked as she rocked back and forth.

"I hope I'm being good," I said.

"Oh, yes, you are," she finished.

I turned her around and climbed on top. She wrapped her legs around my waist as I pumped her hard. This is the position that causes her the fastest and strongest orgasms, and in no time she was panting with her first one.

"I'm done," she said suddenly, placing her hand on my chest. "Thank you."

As I realized that her "first" orgasm was going to be the only one that was going to be had, she pushed me gently away. I could not believe she was going to deny me like that, which is a dream come true for me and another milestone on the road to FLR. She patted the bed besides her and beckoned with the other finger.

"Come here, baby."

I did and we cuddled in silence for a while. I almost felt like crying.

"It worked," I said after a while. "I cannot believe you did it, but I feel totally under your power. You are my Queen. Thank you."

"And I don't feel guilty at all," said she gifting me with her ample smile.

"Feel free to do it anytime you want," I said kissing her all over, my heart brimming with gratitude and lust.

"I only allowed myself one orgasm," she said. "But it was a good one. Maybe later, I'll go for it again"

We talked for a while and then I asked her what she wanted to have for breakfast. She asked for waffles and eggs, which I happily prepared. After eating, she said that she had a bunch of things for me to do today, including downloading a to-do list application for my hand-held device, which I immediately did and filled with the tasks that she gave me. Right now, with a fresh new set of tasks in hand, a deliciosuly lustful feeling of denial and an immmnse love for the object of my adoration, I need to stop writing and get to work.

I have the feeling that 2012 is going to be a good, good year!

I came out!

2011-12-30T17:11:00.000-08:00

I apologize for the somewhat longish post, but this is a milestone that deserves mention.

I came out this morning.

Yes, after several years of struggling with the idea, I finally admitted to my wife the full extent of my submissiveness to her. No more stealth submission, no more figuring out how my wife is going to react, no more fear (or at least not in the same sense).

How did it happen?

Well, I have been denied for more than a week now and as horny as I have ever been, so my wife brought the subject of my 'horniness' up and asked me why I thought that men want to chase after what they can't have instead of having what they can have. This brought up a rather lengthy conversation where we talked about men being natural hunters and being more interested in the process of hunting rather than in the previously hunted prey.

I admitted that I was horny as hell and that I loved the way I felt when I desired her.

"So, how exactly do you feel?" She asked. I knew I wouldn't have another opportunity such as this, so I pounced. I told her I felt energized, powerful, focused and manly, but not in the sense of being opposed to feminine, but like a hunter after its prey. She said that she understood. She also said that it is very interesting that after all this years, she's discovered that the way to keep me happy is not to follow her mother's advice of fulfilling and anticipating my masculine "needs" and being always available for sex, but to actually play hard to get and to give me something to chase after.

I was very motivated by her words, so I admitted to it. I said that I wanted to have her, but only when she wanted me to have her, and never because she thought I needed it.

"Wow," she said. "I was thinking of pleasuring you orally today, but now you're not getting any, baby!"

With all the days I have been denied already, I felt a bit of fear creeping up when she said that, but I was strong and stayed the course. I talked to her about the fact that I have read many books on the topic, because I felt that I was abnormal or deviant, but that after several years of study and our recent experiment with denial based on lack of exercise, I was convinced that this was what I wanted. I spoke about the imagery of the knight pledging allegiance to a lady, I spoke about chivalry and how modern society with its emphasis on equality had robbed men of the opportunity to perform the role they have been born to perform, which is to protect, provide and serve. She told me that women have been robbed too, because in their chase for equality, they have lost sight of their need to be nurtured, protected and loved by their men. I could not believe my ears! My own wife, the most vanilla of vanilla, was not only understanding my feelings, but expressing some of her own.

I talked to her about some of the websites I have visited and told her that although I don;t agree with everything, I have obtained a little here and a little there. She said that she would rather not read about sex, and that she's prefer to make her own "connections". Now I realize that I don't know what she meant by connections, but my guess is that she feels like she is discovering these things on her own and she prefers it this way. In the end, she told me that she's interested in Lady Misato's website (Real women don't do housework) and I told her that I have to look it up because I haven't seen it in a while and didn't remember it. I also confessed that I have had a copy of Around her Finger, by Ken Addison that I've kept for years but that I wanted to give it to her. She accepted it and said that she doesn't have too much time to read (I know that), but will get back to me when she does (in about two years). I went to my desk and pulled the book from where I had secretly been hoping she'd "accidentally" find it, which she never did, and gave it to her.

She asked me what the gist of the book was and I said something along the lines of: This is a book written by a man presenting the theory that all men, given the opportunity to learn it, would like nothing more than being wrapped around their wife's finger, and that the book was written in story form. My wife said that maybe it may be easier to read in story form.

Then she mentioned something that worried her. She said that she liked their men "manly" bold and articulate and that would put their feet down when necessary, but that the whole thing sounded "needy" to her. She said that she has always been wary of "neediness" because she grew up with people who used to manipulate her with their needs. She said that she didn't want to feel that I was manipulating her and asked me what I thought about it. I mentioned that one of the sites I've read actually talk about this issue, but before I could go any further, she said that we'll figure it out as we go along.

I asked her to feel free to tell me if I was acting "needy" and she insisted that we will figure it out as we go, so I dropped it.

What happened next surprised me, although perhaps it shouldn't have. She hugged me and told me that she loved me and that she was happy that we could talk about these things. She confessed that there was a time a few years back when she had wanted to leave me (horror, I didn't know that!) but that she was happy that we had stayed together, because now she thought that we had a good thing going.

Then she proceeded to ask me to bring her breakfast in bed and to make sure everyone else ate. After that, she asked me to go to the store get a movie for tonight, buy milk, vitamins and some materials for her crafts. She also told me that she wants me to take art lessons and when I said I was not sure, she told me that I will do it anyway because she will make me. She said that I have much talent and that she's not going to allow me to waste it.

Later, she went to the park with the girls and I stayed home washing and folding laundry. Later, while she engaged in a leisure activity and a hot bath, I did all the dishes (Why are 18 dirty plates for just one meal?)

There were other things to the conversation, but I'm not too clear as to exactly where they go. Here are a couple of examples:

1) "If men like the hunt, why do they go for hookers?"
My answer was that they probably don't know what they really want. V added that maybe they get desperate because they feel they are lacking something and they think they will find it in sex.

2) "So this (the need for the hunt) explains a lot of why middle aged men go after younger lovers." She threatened me with some unspecified calamity if I ever considered going after another woman. I told her that she is all the woman I need and I'm in deep love with her.

3) "Women still need to be rescued, we just substituted slaying dragons with helping out around the house". This is almost what Lady Misato said in her site: "Your husband is happier because he is a hero. He comes to your rescue by doing the chores around the house and by satisfying you sexually".
There were many others, but the main idea is that I brought my feelings into the open and was not rejected by her. On the contrary, it seems like she will embrace them and me. The extent of her understanding was astonishing. No doubt, my hidden submission and all the little things that I've been doing in the recent past have helped her reach some conclusions on he own. I can't wait to see how she decides to proceed, but will do my best to remain calm and not "needy", since she has told me directly that neediness is a turn-off for her.

Now, as my wife takes a warm bath and I finish folding her laundry, I stand here at the verge of a new year with a mix of love, lust, fear, hope and gratitude. It has taken a long time to get here, and I cant wait to see where we go from here.

Happy New Year!

Little things that mean a lot

2011-12-17T01:10:00.000-08:00

Because of a health condition, I had not been able to work out for the last few days. V has kept me denied. I'm glad that my problem didn't become cause for her to have pity on me.

"What do you want?" She asked me last night when she turned around and caught me staring at her bottom.

"You know," I said a little shy. I'm not naturally shy, but since she began conditioning my orgasms, I seem to feel shy when alone in her presence.

"I know," she said with a crooked smile, getting closer and grabbing my member, with readily came up to receive her attention. "But, are you going to get it?"

"No?" I answered, a small portion of me hoping that she would have mercy, the rest of me begging for her to remain firm.

"No, you're not going to, and do you know why?" She kept rubbing my now fully-erect penis.

"Because I haven't worked out?" I could not even look at her in the eye, and I think she noticed.

She laughed, pushed my penis away and said with finality: "You have been a bad boy and need to be punished."

She left the room. I was denied again. I could not believe just how small and insignificant her simple gesture made me feel, and how erotic it was. I think she is becoming aware of the nature of her power over me, although she still has not figured out the magnitude of it.

I love this woman.

This morning she pointed to her calendar. There are little symbols there that she uses to keep track of our love making.

"Look," she said. "We are not getting enough sex around here, and I'm horny."

I felt like the world was taken from under my feet. I felt like telling her that she didn't have to be horny, that I would work for her pleasure alone and then accept to be denied mine. That I would be there for her and her alone; that she owned my full devotion and I would never let her go wanting, unless that was her desire.

I felt so many things...

But all those feelings and thoughts flushed through my brain in only seconds, and there was no time to answer, because she was still talking.

"You HAVE to work out today." She finished before leaving the room.

Needless to say, I did work out today. She went to bed and told me to wake her up in the morning and "we would see"

I hope she denies me again, but I hope in doing that she doesn't deny herself. I don't want to bring the subject up again, however, as she has already mentioned that she doesn't want to do it.

We'll see in the morning...

I feel manly... Is that strange?

2011-12-15T01:29:00.000-08:00

I've been having an interesting thought recently, a discovery, if I may, one that I didn't quite expect from what I've read on the subject of Female Dominance. I headed into my attempt to a FLM fully expecting that somehow by being dominated by a woman, I would feel less as a man. However, after struggling with my own feelings for years, I came to conclude that yes, I am submissive, and if that's what it took, so be it.

It turns out that the feeling I get when I'm denied, which until now, I had not been able to articulate it or give it a name, is "manly". I struggle somewhat with the word, because because it seems as if it doesn't quite match what I'm feeling in the full sense, but still, it is what it is. I don't precisely mean "manly" as opposed to "womanly", because there's nothing womanly about me after an orgasm, or as opposed to "childish" either.

I guess I could say "manly" as in more human, as opposed to a thing, a vegetable (such as a couch potato) or a mass of flesh and fat slumbering around without any purpose in life other than to eat, sleep, complain and have sex.

If I were forced to come up with a definition of what I mean by the word "manly" in this context, I'd say "purposeful, focused, energetic, determined, bold, aggressive, brave, proactive". Admittedly, none of these attributes are inherently masculine, but I can't deny that I feel more of a man when I'm horny. I think it's something primitive, probably related to us men being hunters and stuff. By denying me, my wife has given me a prey to hunt, and the old me has come to life again.

While being denied by V for several days, particularly after the heavy teasing I described on another post, I felt powerful and strong, like nothing could stop me. I guess I was high on brain chemicals. At work, not only did I find my mind sharper, but I also found that my coworkers didn't stand a chance when disagreeing with me. Most things went my way at work, and people seemed to accept my leadership without much of an argument, including the office hag that always had her way. I had people approach me and tell me how glad they were that I was there and to thank me for the things I did and said. Somehow, I found myself to be more articulate and convincing than usual.

If only they knew that the renewed wit and creative problem solving that helped me dominate at work was caused by my submissiveness at home... Oh, the irony!

Seriously, it felt as if I was back in my younger days, when I was considered by many to be smarter than average, my career advanced very fast and I seemed to land every job opportunity I set my eyes on. Somehow, over the years I've felt as if that spark was lost. As if I had descended to the level of mediocre performance and lazy work-avoidance. Beind denied has taught me that the faculties of my younger self are not lost, just dulled by too much prolactin. Yes, I've been reading about the hormone prolactin, which is released after orgasm, and the effects that it has on men.

While some may disagree with my choice of the word "manly" as a descriptor, the word itself is not what matters here. I would be much more interested in a discussion of the feeling itself. Is this something you (or your significant other) experience? Do you feel sharper, smarter, stronger, more focused, when you are being denied? How do you feel (besides submissive)?

As for me, I had release twice yesterday and can't wait to feel "manly" again.

Very manly... but how to tell my wife? I find it hard to explain even to myself...

A potential setback averted...

2011-12-07T19:54:00.001-08:00

This Monday, I was feeling extremely tired after I came home. It was one of those days when all I wanted was to fall asleep, so I went to bed and was almost falling asleep when V arrived and asked me if I had worked out. I said that I hadn't, but that I was really tired.

She became demanding and told me to get out of the bed (even pulled my legs off the bed) and escorted me outside. I was complaining and whining as she did it, not feeling very submissive. When she pushed me out of the door and got ready to close it behind me, I was about to say that I was not wearing workout clothes or shoes, but I was so mad that I didn't know what to say.

"What's the matter?" She asked, but I was upset, so I turned around and walked away without a word. She closed the door and locked it behind me.

While I walked I woke up and had a chance to contemplate on what had just happened.

My wife had just ordered me, not asked, or pleaded, but ordered and almost forced me to do something that I had given her the power to do and instead of being obedient and grateful, I had given her an attitude. What a stupid thing to do at this stage of our relationship! I wanted to kick myself, or to be more accurate, to be kicked and punished by her. I know that if I was being dominated by V, I would just have earned some serious punishment, but at this stage, I was afraid that she would get discouraged.

While I worked out I was so tired that I thought I was going to vomit, but eventually managed to complete my time and return home. I fell on the bed, almost fainting and stayed there for an hour or so, being too tired to sleep, until later I felt better.

V informed me that I would not be getting any because she was not up to it. She mentioned that her belly ached a little, but I knew that she would not have been so insistent in making me work out if she was not interested in having sex with me, so I knew I had ruined her mood with my attitude. She went to sleep right away.

I decided that I needed to be more submissive, and urgently, so I edged myself several times while imagining that she was doing it as a punishment for my attitude. I finally went to sleep hoping that my error would not destroy all the progress we had made in the past few months.

I edged myself in the morning again, repeating the process while thinking that I really needed to apologize for my attitude, but that there was no time, because we both had to leave. When I weighed myself I noticed that I had lost two pounds in two weeks and thought that it was a great progress, even though I have not been faithful in working out daily. I've noticed that I'm drinking more water and eating smaller portions, so that is clearly part of it too.

As we were leaving the house, I mentioned to V that I had lost 2 pounds and that the regime was being effective. She sighed and said "I don't know... I don't feel as if it's being effective." With that we parted ways, and I stood there, kicking myself for disappointing her in such a stupid way and for no reason at all.

The submissive rush hit me at work, and with it the idea that if I didn't apologize immediately, things may revert to old vanilla, and it would be harder to bring them back again. I sent her an email.

"V, I lost two pounds in two weeks. Our regime is working. If it doesn't work as effectively as you think it should, it's not your fault, but mine. Please don't get discouraged. I'm sorry for giving you an attitude on Monday and will try to do better. Feel free to do anything that you think will help in making our arrangement more effective or in reminding me that I asked for this and should not complain. I love you."

Her reply came a few minutes later.

:-P

Just that.

It seemed like a positive sign, but you never know.

I came home and have been in my best behavior. I was getting ready to go work out without her telling me so when she entered the room. She had a movie in her hands and showed me the actor. She said that he was great and she really really like him. "Of course," she added, "I like you more".

Good, I thought. At least she's not mad. However, that didn't mean that she was going to continue our little project. I told her that I wanted her a lot, to which she casually said that "it is good to want things, because it gives you something to look forward to."

Then for some reason she mentioned something about sticks and balls (non sexual, mind you) and I said that I had some. She said "Good for you, and you get to keep them because you have not worked out".

I breathed a sigh of relief. She was still here and still willing to enforce the rules.

I told her that I was going to work out right now and she said that then, maybe I could use my stick and balls tonight. Maybe not.

I'm glad I fond it in me to apologize for my stupid reaction, and even gladder that V is not reverting to the old times. My hope is that even if our growth is slow, and minimal, that it never reverts to what it was.

I hope that after doing this for a while (I still have 22 pounds to go, and that's not even to ideal weight, but to a comfortable one) V will get used to her benefits and we'll be able to transfer her dominance to other areas of my life.

I have to be careful with the little things and try to remain obedient and submissive to her. I realize that I may have made mountains out of molehills, but my feelings are intense and deep and can play tricks on me. For now, I think that I averted a potential pitfall and that we are still on the road to a FLM.

A conflict of interest...

2011-12-03T12:27:00.001-08:00

Wow, two posts in two days!

I must be high or something. Actually, I am high on arousal. If your read yesterday's post, you know that my wife tricked me (or I want to think she did) into giving her a full body massage that really turned me on and then left me hanging.

Well, this morning, as soon as she woke up, she jumped on me. "Forget everything," she said, her still naked body rubbing against mine while she bit my neck. "I don't want to do this anymore, let's have sex right now!"

I thought I'd be sad that she decided to end our arrangement, but I was so turned on by her that all I wanted was to grab her, pull her close and get the orgasm I'm starting to crave. After only a few moments of that, she asked me if I wanted her. I puffed a rough "YES!"

Then she stopped.

"Too bad," she said, pulling back and caressed her own body (she knows she's hot, although she denies it most of the time). "Look what you're missing."

"If you were good, you could have good things happen to you," she opened her mouth and placed my erect penis inside, but did not close it around it. Then she made it look as if she was going to lick it from the base to the tip, but her tongue only touched it for one painfully brief instant. It was bliss.

After that, she went to get ready and told me that I didn't have to get up yet, but game a list of things to do later. She said she wanted to clean up a little before leaving. I remembered that the sink was full of dishes that I had not done last night (no time for anything, remember?) and went ahead to do them.

"Good boy!" She said when she saw me doing dishes. I was wearing a bathrobe.

After I finished the dishes, which were many, she was getting ready to leave but she pushed me against the closet and kissed me. I tried to grab her but she pushed my hands away. "You can't touch me," she said. "Only I do the touching here. You don't deserve to touch. As a matter of fact, I'm withdrawing all pleasure from you." (Awesome word, 'withdrawing'. I have this thing for the dominant words she uses, especially when we have never used them in conversation before. One of these days I'll have to post about the power words have on me.)

She pulled my bathrobe open around my arms so that it exposed my chest and belly and didn't allow me the use of my arms or hands. Then she bent and licked me from just above the belly button to the neck, and started playing with my nipples. "Oh, poor you, so vulnerable!"

I was in a state where I would have agreed to whatever she said, and when she asked me "How does it feel?" I confessed that it felt as if there were nothing I could refuse to do for her and that I felt very energized and almost as if I was under the effects of a stimulant.

"Give me a million dollars," she said. I hesitated, then said "Okay," to which she laughed, because I don't have a million dollars to give her and she knows it, but if I had it, it would already be hers.

Then she said something that created a deep conflict of interest in me.

"If you don't work out while I'm gone, when I come back I will do that thing that I have not been willing to do to you because I felt bad for you". She's referring to making me give her an orgasm and then depriving me of mine.

I told her that she didn't need to feel bad for me and she replied, "Oh, I don't"

The conflict on interest is this: I have been denied for 5 days now, and for the last two she has teased me mercilessly, so I'm so horny I really want to go do as she's asking and work out, but on the other hand, I think her denying me while gratifying herself would be a huge step in the right direction, because if she gets the idea that she doesn't need to deprive herself of anything while keeping me denied, I think she may find it easier to dominate me in the future.

Right now, she's not home, so I have to make a decision to work out or not to work out.

I think I'll do it.

We have come so far, and she seems to be enjoying the power she has over me, that I don;t want to frustrate her by being disobedient. The fact that she threatened me with that, added to the fact that she kept yesterday's threat, tells me that she's warming up to the idea. I should not try to be contrarian or disobedient just to earn a punishment.

Who knows? Maybe one of these days she'll come to realize that denying me even after I obey her commands may be a good idea to keep me obedient for longer.

I love how she progresses in her dominance, and how all the months and years of stealth submission on my part have created some expectations from her. The fact that she seems to be enjoying what she's doing so far, tells me that she may take it further down the road.

Yes. Conflict of interest or not a decision has been made: Stop writing and go work out right now...

AND NOW MEANS NOW!!!!

Was this a trick? I hope so...

2011-12-03T00:22:00.001-08:00

This week, I didn't feel too well, physically and didn't work out for four days in a row. Needless to say, my wife kept her side of our bargain and I didn't get any. However, since I was feeling sick, my sexual energy was low and I didn't really feel too much under her spell.

That changed today.

Yesterday, when my wife came home from work, I was in the room. She entered and closed the door. She was wearing her leather boots, (which I hope one day she'll make me kiss) and some sexy jeans.

"Did you work out?" She asked. I hadn't and I did not lie to her. "Aww, too bad..."

Then she bent over and took her boots off, then turned her back to me (she knows I love her rear view) and took her jeans off slowly, teasingly, showing off the sexy underwear I didn't know she was wearing. She made a show of stretching and laying on bed, as I became really hard for the first time in four days.

"If you don't work out tomorrow," she said with an impish smile. "I'll have to take you on giving me a massage... naked."

Then she went to sleep and I stayed awake, wondering if I should have told her that she could ask for it tonight, because I knew that I was going to work out and therefore would not be denied. In the end I didn't say anything and she fell asleep.

Today, I was so sure that I was going to work out that I was not even thinking about tease and denial, and at one point wondered if the energy was dissipating and my wife was losing interest.

She had other plans...

At about the time I was supposed to finish work, she texted me asking me how I felt. I texted her back telling her that I was feeling better. I thought that she was going to reply that I should go work out, but what she sent me was that she wanted me to take her to the movies.

I barely had time to get home to get ready to go watch the movie, so I obviously failed to work out again. We went to the movie, then she asked me to take her for a burger, which we did. It was nice, she stood in front of every door until I opened it for her, she asked me to drive, and gave me a lot of instructions for tomorrow.

When I got home, I thought she was going straight to bed, but she told me that I owed her.

"You owe me big time," she said. "And no matter what you do, you're still going to owe me."

I asked her what I could do to try to pay and she said that I could start by giving her a massage. She said I had been a bad boy and as a punishment she was making me give her a massage. I told her that I would do it gratefully and that it would not be a bad punishment, to which she replied pointing at my already erect member "Oh, but that's only the beginning. You don't get to do anything, you are not going to use that thing".

I gave her an hour long, full body massage. I kissed her feet, her bottom and her waist. I felt wonderful worshipping my goddess that way as she moaned in pleasure. All I wanted was to kneel between her legs and serve her orally, but I know she doesn't want me to, so I resisted the urge.

Maybe one day...

After she finished, she grabbed my penis and told me to put it away. She slapped it playfully and ordered me to make it sleep. "Look how disobedient you are," she said in mocking severity. "If I tell you to wake him up, you do it quickly, but when I tell you to put it to sleep, you don't do it." I told her I was sorry, but that I didn't have any place to put it. She said that she was going to sleep and that she hoped I had learned my lesson.

She is now asleep as I sit here, hard as a rock, happily denied but hoping she will give me so much to do tomorrow that I won't be able to work out so I can "earn" more punishment.

My favorite things today were that she used the word punishment, which I have never used in our conversations; that she said I owed her big time and that earlier, while going to the movies, I asked her if she had planned to trick me into not letting me work out and she said: "No, I didn't plan it that way. It is your own fault that you have not worked out all these days."

While I have to believe her when she said that she didn't plan to preclude me from working out so she could punish me, the fact that she threatened me about it yesterday and then today she didn't allow time for me to do my part, made me feel as if it was intentional.

And even imagining that is was an intentional trick, makes me hard...

I tremble at the thought that I'm now going to lay next to her naked body while being as aroused as I am... I love this woman!

A couple changes...

2011-11-26T00:09:00.001-08:00

Last Saturday, My wife suggested that we may have to make some changes to our arrangement. At the time, I agreed with everything she said, but was not exactly sure what I was agreeing to. This morning I asked her if she had given any thought to the tweaks she wanted to make and she told me that she was not to do any tweaking and that I should bring the tweaking that was needed to her so she could decide on it.

Since I've been denied for a few days, my mind went to work like an overclocked CPU in search of a proposal that would bring us closer to FLM but that she could accept. Tonight, before going to bed (denied again, by the way) she told me that she wanted to hear what I had been thinking and I explained it more or less in these words:

The arrangement that we have works wonderfully. I feel excited and full of energy when my sexual needs are high (and I explained the denial part). It is a great way to relax and enjoy a change of pace from always being the boss at work and everywhere else (she said she understood perfectly how stressful being in charge all the time could be), and I thought it also took a pressure from her because she never has to have sex because she has to anymore. (She wholeheartedly agreed with this and admitted to great orgasms in the past few weeks). I told her that I had given her the key to my sexuality and I intended to respect this commitment for as long as she would have it. I thanked her for being firm with me and for loving me enough to deny me when I didn't deserve release.

Then I described what I thought could be improved.

1) More intense teasing may be needed on the day after release to bring the energy back as soon as possible. She agreed to this, with the caveat that she may not always be able to do it. I told her that I loved to be brought back to the higher level of consciousness that sexual desire produced on me, but that as always, our plan was not meant to force her into anything she didn't want to do. She also said that she didn't want "teasing" to become "work" for her and I agreed to accept whatever she wanted to give that was fun and enjoyable to her. I also suggested that since she told me that she doesn't feel like receiving an orgasm and then making me stop, that she should ask me for massages, body rubs, or anything she would enjoy while I'm being denied, so that it is pleasurable to her while teasing me. I wish she would let me give her oral service, but alas, she doesn't like it. Perhaps one day...

2) Develop a reward and consequence mechanism to encourage consistency. She was intrigued about this and we discussed it the most. She seemed agreeable with fulfilling a sexual fantasy of mine on Saturday if I work out Monday through Friday without fail. She was not too sure about imposing incremental consequences for each day I failed to do as required, but suggested that I prepare a list of fantasies and give it to her. She said she will decide whether or not a fantasy will be granted. In the end, I got the assignment to draft a list of fantasies and consequences to hand over to her, a delicate balancing act, because I can't be too kinky and risk losing what has been gained, but don't want to waste the opportunity of suggesting more femdom-oriented activities. Suggestions of not-too-kinky rewards and consequences are welcome as I work on the list over the next week or so.

In addition, at some points of our conversation and in response to specific concerns of hers, I promised that from now on, I was giving up the right to question her about her reasons for not having sex with me and that I would not give her an attitude regarding her decision. I told her that I may fail to keep the promise always, and she said that she understands that I am only human, but that if I'm asking for this, she doesn't want me complaining later.

I'm actually surprised at the number of submissive thoughts that I expressed to her tonight, and at the ease with which she seemed to accept them. I should not get carried away by my apparent success, however, because there is still a lot of hesitation on my still-vanilla wife, and I don't want to risk a recession by using too much of my relationship capital at once.

My next steps will be to humbly accept whatever rewards and consequences she deems appropriate to bestow upon me, continue to strive to maintain a workout schedule and to show my appreciation for her help at all times. I will not bring the subject up in conversation unless she does. If she starts going outside of our arrangement and extends her gentle domination to other areas, as I think she will, I will accept it and express my love for her, until the time is ripe for me to get my other foot out of the closet, as it were, and confess to her that I'd love for her to dominate me in all areas of my life, and use me for her exclusive pleasure.

Until then, Patience, Humility, Service, Obedience...

NOTE: Special thanks to Tamara, who suggested a posible solution for the comments problem. Although it didn't work, and I'm still unable to post comments, it led me to Mistress Ivey's blog, which I found very valuable. Thanks, Tamara!

A warning sign on the road to a FLM.

2011-11-21T19:25:00.001-08:00

QUICK NOTE: There seems to be a problem with the comments system on this blog. While I'm allowed to make posts, I can't comment. I apologize that I can't respond to comments, and hope that this is only temporary. My ability to comment on other blogs has not been affected.

And now to the matter at hand.

Yesterday, when I arrived at home, my wife asked me if I could do the dishes. There were a lot of them, which showed that the people assigned to do dishes on Saturday and Sunday had not done them (V has a calendar of chores for everyone, and someone has to do dishes every day, Friday being my day.)

Instead of being glad for the opportunity to make V happy, I asked who was supposed to do them for the two days and suggested that maybe we should split the work. Little did I know that just before I got there, the kids were giving her an attitude about not wanting to do the dishes and that she was asking me just to get them out of the way, but had already promised some consequences to the kids for failing to do their chores. Being already upset by their reluctance to obey, she didn't need much from me to get frustrated.

"Forget it," she said, putting on the dishwasher gloves.

I tried to tell her that I would do them, to which she replied that it was too late and then she added, right there in front of the family, "and don't bother working out tonight," a reference to our arrangement of me only getting sex on days that I exercise.

Needless to say, I was devastated and after everyone was gone, I hugged her and told her how sorry I was for not helping her, to which she said with a smile "Okay, I forgive you, but you're still not getting any." I accepted her decision meekly, being that I knew I had screwed up.

Something interesting I noticed is that she was not upset anymore. On other occasions, if everyone refused to help her and she had to do extra chores, she would be upset for a long time. Here, a few minutes after my disobedience, she was showing me lots of love and attention, and I was feeling very attentive as well. My guess is that by using her power over me to impose an immediate consequence, she got it out of her system. Apparently, she got it out of my system as well, because in the past, I would also get mad because she was upset and it would spiral down from there.

I think this is a warning sign for me on the road I'm taking. Even though it was mild and gentle, it was her own decision to deprive me of sex because I failed to please her on something that was not part of our arrangement. By accepting her decision, I honored the role that I hope she will take, a role that V seems to be enjoying more and more with every little act of dominance she engages in. I better get my act together because I think this will continue to progress as she grows into our new relationship and begins to exert more domination over me.

Today, I went and worked out without her even asking, and before I went I asked her if she needed anything form me. She said, no, but I have the feeling that she is planning on denying me tonight. If you have been reading my recent posts, you know that the condition does not say that I get sex every time I work out, but that I will definitely NOT have sex unless I work out.

I'm actually looking forward to some teasing and denial on her part. We'll see how it goes.

She initiates a conversation...

2011-11-19T16:56:00.001-08:00

This morning, we had a 'conversation'.

My wife initiated it by cuddling up to me and beginning to stroke me slowly. She asked me if I wanted her body, and what I would like to do with it. I answered honestly and in the affirmative and she seemed pleased by my answers. "Well, too bad, baby," she said as she continued to stroke me for a while.

Then she told me that a friend of hers was moving and needed help, and that she had signed me up to help, so I was to get up and go there. She said that if I worked hard at helping her friend move, she would count it as working out for the purposes of our game.

She commented on a couple other aspects of our game as well, and even though I don't remember the exact conversation (hey, she was stroking me!) the ideas she expressed are more or less as follows:

Our arrangement is working fine, for the most part, but it needs some tweaking.
It seems that it takes effort to tease me, and she is very busy and tired most of the time, so she's not teasing me enough.
In a couple of weeks, she will have more time available to make sure she motivates me more (I shuddered at this one, half in excitement, half in fear)
She thinks that my workouts need to be more intense, or I won't lose weight.
She told me that for now, she wants me to go to the gym on Tuesdays, starting this week, and that she wants me working hard.
She also told me that she will have to watch what I eat, but she's not sure how she's going to do that.

I don't know if I was coherent as we had the conversation, but I agreed to everything she said and went ahead and helped her friend move. She had some heavy stuff to take down two flights of stairs, so it was quite the workout actually.

I was impressed that she took it upon herself to have the conversation with me and that she did things that I have read in D/s literature, but have never discussed with her. Things like extracting a promise from me by teasing me sexually, ordering me to go help someone else, describing her thoughts of how to "help" me better and making me talk even though all I wanted was to let go and enjoy her teasing, are all things I have read on different websites and books over the past few years, but seeing her doing them apparently out of her own imagination made me very excited.

I wonder if my submissiveness, even hidden as it was, actually pushed buttons deep inside my wife's dominant side and that has encouraged her to become more dominant to me.

I'm loving it.

Being denied.

2011-11-16T21:08:00.001-08:00

I was denied today.

In case you don't know what I'm talking about, in the last post I talked about the new game we are playing where I have to work out or I don't get sex. Well, today V told me that she was not going to count my workout and that I'd have to work out again tomorrow and "we'd see".

I'm so glad to see her beginning to embrace her power. I thanked her for her help and for being firm with me.

Before she decided to deny me, she told me that she was not sure if she was going to count my workout and that she was going to think about it. She asked me to do some other things for her today, such as serving her dinner in bed and said that maybe that would help her make up her mind. I asked her if she was trying to use her power in other areas and she said yes (WOW!) and in the end decided to let me wait another day.

The only thing I regret right now is that she can't find it in her to make me pleasure her, and by denying me, she denies herself. This may be a problem because if she gets horny enough, she may allow me to get unearned sex.

Other than that, the only thing I would wish for at this stage would be more teasing, but considering where we were just a couple of weeks ago, and how long it took me to even dare propose the idea of orgasm control to her, I can't complain. I'm in relative bliss right now and every step, no matter how small, as long as it is in the right direction, can be counted as a victory.

Can't wait for tomorrow!

2011-11-13T23:59:00.001-08:00

First of all, I am really happy that I managed to retrieve the password for this blog. I couldn't change it because the email address that I used to create it is no longer valid. Finally I managed to figure out the password and change the email address.

Now for some real news: My wife is in control of my orgasms!!!

No, she is not dominating me quite yet, not at the level I desire, but there has been a gigantic leap of progress from the last time I posted here, and I am happier than a dog with two tails right now :) How did it happen? Read on!

Some time back, I told her that I needed motivation to exercise and lose weight. She playfully suggested that if I went and worked out for 15-30 minutes, she'd have sex with me. Of course I got up and went power walking. She fulfill her end of the deal and I got great sex. This went on for a week or two, but didn't work anymore, because she was too tired to offer sex as a reward and took pity on me when she wanted to have sex.

For a while I debated whether to bring the subject up again, and as you know, my fear always had the best part of me, but that changed the other day (actually last week) and I have been dying to find the password to this blog ever since, to share it with you :)

So how did it happen?

She said that she was very worried for my health and that I really needed to work out. I said "I know, but I'm always so tired!" we talked a little about it and I said that she could help. Since she had the previous experience, she had an idea of where I was coming from and said "I'm not going to do anything I haven't done in the years we've been married" to which I answered that it was not something new, but some structure to it. Then we agreed that I would tell her after the kids went to bed.

I was shaking with fear all afternoon, fearing that I would not dare bring the subject up, but when she came to bed, she asked me if I wanted t talk now and I agreed. What follows is a distillation of our chat. 75% of the time I was like uh... hmm... well... and having a hard time to keep my voice calm.

I explained to her that sex was the most powerful motivator in the world and that the few days that we had tried sex as a reward for exercise had worked but there were two basic problems with that approach:

1) If sex is used as a reward that is paid, anytime I work out she will be indebted to me, therefore, if she is not in the mood, or is too busy she will not want to do it, also, if I perceive that she is not going to pay, the motivation factor disappears.

2) If I don't keep my end of the bargain, but she wants to have sex, she will either have to deprive herself (punishment for her) or give me what was supposed to be a reward for free. One way or another this makes the program unworkable.

After explaining the problems I offered the following solution (I still don't know how I dared):

1) Sex would not be a direct reward for working out, but lack of it would be a consequence for failing to do it.
2) If I worked out, I may (or may not) have sex. If I didn’t, I would definitely have none.
3) The decision of whether I could have sex on working out days would be entirely in her power. She didn’t have to say why or why not and it would be entirely up to her choice.
4) If I worked out, the ‘effects’ (the possibility of having sex) expire the following morning. There is no cumulative effect or saving ‘rewards points’ for another day.
5) This game was all for me, and it should not limit her in any way. If she wants to have sex but I have not ‘earned’ it, she can have me do anything to pleasure her, sexual or non-sexual, including having sex until she is satisfied and making me stop.
6) She should have no mercy. The ‘no work out, no orgasm’ (for me) rule should be enforced always.
7) If I complain or get in a bad mood, she should remind me that I asked for this and that it is for my own good.
8) She should tease me; both verbally and physically to make sure I am as motivated as can be, whether or not she thinks that there will be sex later or not.
9) She doesn’t have to tell me if she is planning to have sex with me or not, but should require that I work out “just in case”.
10) She should make sure to tell me why I’m not getting any when I fail to do my part.
11) No excuses on my part will change her mind. This should serve me as a reminder.
Believe it or not, my wife embraced this new setup! She said that she thought it would work and that she would do it. She was laughing and I said that she seemed to be enjoying her new power and she said she was.
She said that we would start immediately so I would be going to bed without "getting any". I confessed to her that I felt a jolt in my member when she said that and she laughed again!
The only rile she had an issue with was number 5. She said she didn't think that making me stop would work for her. I told her that it would be powerful and she agreed but she doesn't think she will do it, because having me finish inside her gives her "an emotional close-out" (her words, which I don't really understand).
Anyway, that was Tuesday. Here is the summary since then:
TUE: That's the night I presented this game to her. No release.
WED: I was too tired to work out and resigned to not get any, but she came on to me and started talking to my penis, telling "him" that he was not getting any and that he knew whose fault it was. She laughed as my penis came to full attention. She told me "look at him, poor thing! You don't deserve to have a penis! You don't know how to give it what it needs" After teasing me for a while, she asked me if I had gotten a second wind and said "Go work out!" I did and had the most intense intercourse in recent memory.
THU: Nothing
FRI: Nothing
SAT: She woke me up in the morning and noticed I had an erection. She said "what are you doing here? Go work out!" I did, and when I came back she told me that she was having her period, so I was not getting any, but I was a good boy for working out. Then she added that she had been in her period since Thursday, so I'd never know if she could do it Sunday or not. (Smart one this one... she's getting the hang of it)
SUN: Too busy for anything, but I suspect that she is still in her period. Now that I have given up control of my sexual pleasure to her, I don't think I need to know when she's available or not.
That brings me up to date.
Oh, I almost forgot that yesterday I started to keep a journal of her teases, my workouts and my feelings. After I finish the entry for the day, I send it to her. I told her that it was because all this is an experiment and I may need to remember. I also told her that I'd send it to her daily by email. She said that she would be too busy to read it and I told her that she doesn't have to, because I am the only one who has to do things for this, but that if she feels like it, she can write any remarks on it as well. She said Okay.
As I said before, I'm so happy my legs are shaking (and something else is dripping).
I know this is not full-fledged female domination, but I feel great. She loves the control and the power she feels and that will ensure that she keeps it up.
Today I asked her something (non sexual) that apparently I have asked too may times and she said: "ask me one more time and you will be in so much trouble that no amount of exercise will help you." Major jolt right there!
I can't wait for tomorrow!

Partial Progress

2011-01-02T08:26:00.000-08:00

MOVING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION

This is my only update in a while. The reason for it being that I don't feel like writing the same thing over and over adds anything of value to the situation.

I'm happy to report that there has been some movement in a favorable direction. Ever since the last embarrassing post, I have not fallen prey of my fantasies and have been able to remain on track. As the title says, the progress is partial, but it feels great to have something as oppossed to nothing. As I said, I feel like I'm moving in the right direction.

PARTIAL CONFESSION (or a lame email)

Last week or so, I sent an email to my wife where I told her that I had the New Year's resolution of putting her and her needs above mine. I explained that I was only happy when she was happy, so yes, it was for my own benefit, but I wanted her life to be more confortable, so I wanted her to give me feedback as to how to do that. I asked her to let me know when I was pleasing her and when I was not and I also asked her to allow me to serve her. I adapted this approach from a book titled "Simply Rika". It is not a full confession of my fantasies and desires, but it gives her a starting point to understand what is going on inside this messed up head of mine.

She did not answer the email and acted as if she was going to ignore, so I thought she didn't like the idea, even as tame as I presented it to her, but I have seen some subtle changes in the past few days.

SOME CHANGES (or am I imagining things?)

For the next two days after I sent her the email, she invited me to watch movies with her. On one of those days, my son came to tell me that the local team had won and V said, "You missed the game to watch a movie with me? Aww, that's so sweet!"

I approached her one morning with visible sexual "intent" and she told me that she was a bit tired but she would "let me have sex" if I would be a good boy after and made her breakfast in bed. You can bet I was a VERY good boy and made sure she enjoyed as much as I could make her. Later that day, she told me I had been very good in the morning.

She was singing a song where the singer says that she is wrapped around the finger of her lover and changed the lyrics to say that I was wrapped around her finger. I thought her choice of language was interesting but it came from a song, so not from the famous book.

We went to visit some friends. After we ate, she handed me her empty plate and asked me to go get her more food. I did, pretty much interested in the fact that she asked me to do something for her in public, when usually people expect that she'd be the one serving me.

While at our friend's we playing a game where after each round the winner became "king". My wife was lucky enough that after spending some rounds in the lower positions, she won the final round and became "Forever King" of the tournament. I joked that it was not enough that she ruled at our house, but now she was ruling me in other places as well. She teased me that she was my wife and that's the way it was suppossed to be. Everyone laughed, but to me it was a little bit more than a simple joke and felt a deep connection to my wife at that time.

She was not doing anything at the time, but still called me to tell me that she wanted a snack. She asked me to make her a sandwitch and bring it to her bed.

She told me that she was tired and going to bed, but that I should put the food away and put the gilrs to bed. To this I added doing all the dishes and cleaning the table, even though she had not asked.

ONLY IN MY HEAD?

All these things and others are subtle. She is not commandeering or demanding. SHe also says please and thank you a lot, but I guess that's part of her personality and as long as she shows me her appreciation and gives me the opportunity to serve her, I feel fulfillment.

The question remains, am I seeing too much into things, or is she really giving me the chance to serve her? I guess that time will tell.

PREVIOUS SIGNS

As any reader of these things may be aware, I've been trying to become V's submissive for a while now. Before this partial confession, I had been trying "stealth submission". There were a few signs that encouraged me to take the determination to do the partial confession. Here are a couple of them.

V was sitting in the living room one day and told me that she was very tired and she wanted me to goive her a food massage, but without giving me anything in return. I smiled and gave her the foot massage with great care.

One day, after I had done something for her, I don't remember what, she told me I had been a very good boy, and she was going to give me a prize, so she asked me to get the lotion. I did, thinking that she was going to give me a hand job, but also thinking that it was very unusual for her to initiate such a thingm because she has only given me hand jobs when I begged her and only if she couldn't have regular sex. After I came back with the lotion, she said: "So you have earned the porivilege of givinf me a massage." I was pleased, but also surpprised. She took me off balance and she noticed because she laughed and asked "What, you thought it was for you? Aww... poor boy!" I have her a massage with the lotion and then she turned around and slapped the bed. "Come here," she said, and of course, I complied.

MY THOUGHTS ON THIS (or what I think that I think)

I think my wife is beginning to show some initiative in making use of my disposition to serve her. I don't know if she's doing it only for me or she's really beginning to enjoy my submission. I hole it's the second one, so she gradually become more comfortable with her power over me. FOr now I think there are a few things I have to keep in mind if I want this to continue progressing:

Continue my service to her, even when unasked. This way she'll see that I'm not going after a quick thrill, but the real thrill is serving her.
Show her how pleased I am whenever she exerts a bit of dominance over me, even if it doesn't go according to my fantasies. Show her that I enjoy every bit of her control.
Remind her how much I love her and how much I want to please her, every day.
Act strong and masculine while expressing my attraction for her feminine charms. I think one thing that drives vanilla women away from submissive men is the perception that they are weak or effeminate. I am submissive, but not gay or effeminate (not that I have anything against gays or effeminate men, just that I am not one and don't think V would be interested in being married to one)
Continue to put her pleasure first when it comes to sex. Or at least try, since sometimes it's a bit hard to contain myself when my excitement level is high. Recently I have been more successful at this that I used to be, though. I wish she would allow me to pleasure her orally, to make sure she enjoys first, but she has told me many times that she doesn't like oral sex.
Make my best effort not to "take matters into my own hands", by doing things like pleasuring myself and punishing myself. These things undermine the power V can exersize over me and end up resulting in more guilt and frustration than the little pleasure I can derive from them.

WHAT COMES NEXT?
I don't know, but moving in the right direction, even if it's slow, has been a great joy. I wish that 2011 brings me closer and closer to my dream of serving V openly and with all my heart. For the very first time in many months I'm looking at it from a positive perspective. I'll continue to expand on the progress and hopefully avoid the oft-repeated screw up of falling back to the lazy, self-serving, uncooperative nature of the frustrated submissive.
What will come of this, I don't know, but I hope the wait is worth it.

She ask + I add = Conflict

2010-10-13T22:59:00.000-07:00

This mornign I was not feeling too good, so i decided to call work and ask for a sick day off. My plan was to take some medicine, rest and then clean a little around the house, unasked.

When V got up she told me that the house was a mess (I knew that) and asked me if I could clean the kitchen. I smiled and told her I'd do it. Then she asked me if I would cook dinner also. She was a little tentative, as if she was not sure if i was going to say yes, which obviously i did.

After she was gone, I rested a little, as I intended to do. Then I got up and got to work.

I felt good because I was doing as she asked, but I think I needed a little more domination, because I made up some fantasy while I worked.

I knelt down for a while, imagining that it was V who had ordered me to, then I placed a small vibrator up my behind, put a pair of underpants on (I don't own panties, and V's are too small) and pulled them up, so they fit like a g-string to both stimulate and hold the vibrator in place. In addition to the underpants, I only used a white apron.

Needless to say, every time I bent over or reached, the vibrator was pushed in and I imagined it was V pushing it. I did all the dishes and then came to the bedroom to adjust the 'items' because they were falling out of place. Then I realized that the underpants were not strong enough to hold the vibrator in place for an extended period, so I tied two leather belts together and tied them from the crotch to the left shoulder. Now it was really tight, and I could feel the vibrator pushing my insides every time I reached up. I moped the floor that way, and it took quite a while, because I was enjoying the process.

After I finished, I felt guilty for enjoying so much and fantasized that V was not pleased with how much fun I was having and ordered to my knees again. This time I knelf in front of the mirror and took a third leather belt and belted myself good until my behind was hot and red.

This is not the first time I punish myself with a belt, but having another leather belt between my butt cheeks protected the anus and testicles from accidental impacts and that allowed me to hit to my heart's content. I don't even remember how many times I took the belt today, but I remember that at some point I started hitting as hard as I could and it kept hurting less and less. I guess that was because of the famous endorphins that people keep talking about, but I didn't feel any rush or dizziness or anything like that.

After I finished the punishment, I knelt, kissed the belt and thanked my imaginary mistress for taking the time to discipline me.

The girls were about to come back from school, so I cleaned the stuff, got dressed and watched some TV.

When V came home, we ate together and she asked me how my day had gone. I said that it had been great and she asked me if I wanted to be a stay at home dad.

I said that it would be lovely, but everyone took it as a joke, and I didn't want to clarify because the family was present. Of course, being a stay at home dad is not possible for me right now, because I make six-figures and my wife is back in college, but the idea is attractive.

Now, as I prepare to sleep, I have a conflict of feelings. On the one hand, my submissiveness was sated. I feel that I served V and that made the day good, but on the other hand, I feel that I cheated, because I played a scene by myself. It's funny how I can at the same time feel like V actually did the stuff I fantasized about, while at the same time I doubt she'll ever do anything like this, even if she accepted my submission to her.

I don't think what I did today is healthy. I remember when I was single and I became addicted to masturbation. It was a very hard time, as at the worst point, the addiction took most of my waking hours. I would even park the car on the side of the freeway so i could jerk off, because I had been driving for two hours. What ended up happening was that my hand became more attractive than my girlfriend, and I evenually broke up with her (the girlfriend, not the hand). It took me years to sober up from my addiction and I don't want to develop a new one, unless is to my wife.

I think that if I continue doing what I did today, there is teh possibility that I might separate my feelings of submission from the person my submission is directed to, and that would be disastrous. This is the main reason for me not to approach professional dommes. I have feelings of submission for V, and don't think that such feelings should be allowed to wander in any other direction. Right now, because my fantasy involved her and only her, I feel as if it's okay, but fantasy can be very powerful, especially when one lacks reality, so it is something I have to watch carefully.

And I'm not even going to talk about how my butt feels right now, both from the couple of hours of the vibrator and the violent encounter with the belt... All I will say is that I wish it had been V the one who caused it. Then there would be none of this conflict.

Almost told her?

2010-10-13T14:23:00.000-07:00

After V came home last night, she went straight to bed. I was there, just having finished the posts I wrote yesterday. I was pleasantly surprised when she laid down and asked me to bring her chocolate pudding and put the girls to sleep.

After sendignthe girls to bed, I brought her the chocolate pudding and as she ate it, I took her socks off and gave her a foot rub with some lotion. While I did that, she pulled her laptop from gher bedside table and checked her email. I asked her if she liked it, she said yes. I kissed her feet several times, and when she told me that they stunk, I said that they smelled like cherry blossoms (that was the fragance of the lotion).

"Do you think I'm weird?" I asked after kissing her feet once more.

"Yes, honey, you are."

"Do you love me anyway?" I asked with a smile. I'm confident that she still loves me.

"Yes, baby, I love you."

After this, she signaled for me to get in bed with her and we had vanilla sex. I apologized in advance, because as soon as we started, I knew I was not going to last long. She spanked me once, which only made matters worse (better?).

"You owe me," she said when I finished and could not go no more. "You owe me big time."

"How can I make it up to you?"

"I don't know," she said. "But you owe me big time."

Now, if we were already in a FLR, I would be shaking in my proberbial boots if she said that. As it is, I know she won't do anything about it.

After that, I went to check if the girls had actually gone to bed (they hadn't). And when I returned, she asked me if I knew a particular story. At first I didn't remember it, but then she said a few things and I did remember the story. I told her I knew it and she asked me to tell it to her, because she's working on it at school and the version they have was a little strange.

The story deals with a king that sees a girls dance and filling himself with lust, offers her anything she wants, even up to half his kingdom. Of course, the girl asks for something the king doesn't want to give, but that is another story. The main point here is that after the girl asked, he felt compelled to give her what she asked for, and he did.

"That is the amazing power a woman can have over a man, " I told my wife. "I think that after seeing her dance, he had no hope. He was in her power."

"Yes," said my wife, yawning. "I think so."

"You know?" I asked, venturing a little into 'Fearland'. "That is the same power you have over me. I think I would totally give you half my kingdom if you asked for it... Heck, I think I already gave you half my kingdom!"

"Yes, you did," said V simply with a smile.

"I totally love doing what you ask me to," I said.

She smiled again and thanked me for the story.

I don't think she understood the magnitude of what I just told her, but it doesn't matter. THe idea is that I am 'coming out' a little and this may pave the way for bigger and better things. So, No, I didn't tell her, but I breached the subject and she didn't panic.

Let's see where I can bring this next time.

Same o' same o'

2010-10-12T20:23:00.000-07:00

Nothing has changed.

I'm still in the same "I don't dare telling my wife how I feel about submitting to her" mood I have been for the recemt past.

This must be so boring to read about that I don't even care to write about it. However, I have been sexless for several days and feel more submissive than usual.

V is not home right now, and instead of taking the chance to serve her by cleaning the house and doing shores, I spent the time surfing submissive material on the web. Bad. I wish V would punish me, but I guess it will never happen.

We haven't had a fight for years now, which is a good thing.

Today, I was fantasizing about proposing an experiment to my wife. I thought about telling my wife that I wanted to experiment with orgasm control, because I read something about the energy and creativity that can be unleashed when diverting sexual energy to something else. I thought about it at work and for a while it seemed like it could work. I would tell her that in order for the experiment to work, I needed her to be the decider as to when I could have an orgasm, but don't tell me. I wanted to ask her to stop me after having her own orgasm and teling me that "it was not time yet". It sounded like something I could do, and I thought "wow! I can do this!" but then I came home and she was not here and now I'm not so sure and I think I'm pathetic and hate myself for being such a coward (and I better stop, because I'm beginning to sound like a teenaged girl)

In truth I don't hate myself. I just hate how I dare not opening up to my wife.

Who knows, maybe I'll dare propose a little experiment to her. I don't know how to get her to tease me and deny me, though, or to order me to provide her with acts of personal service. I'll have to think more about this, I guess, but the thinking is what kills my resolve. Sometimes I think that maybe I can write something and leave it where she "accidentally" finds it, but then I think it is not honest.

I wish she would catch me doing this blog and make me confess everything. Sometimes I feel like being rejected may be better than having this deep need hidden in uncertainty.

I'm probably not being very coherent right now, but I have been denied for 4 days (not in the nice way, but just because my wife is too busy and tired) and I'm horny as hell...

Too busy or not too busy...

2010-06-21T22:15:00.000-07:00

V and I are moving to a new home and we have been extremely busy. Needless to say, for the most part her choices have been honored. True, she asks me and listens to my opinions, but it is ultimately her opinion that counts.

I like it that way. It somehow feeds my submissiveness, even though only a little.

It would be better if she would acknowledge her dominance, I know, but we are moving slowly there. today my wife made an interesting observation. She said that she has noticed that I love her more when I have a hard time at work.

I found it interesting that she noticed that the more hectic, erratic and hectic my work life is, the more I need to submit to the stability and steady hand of my wife. I told her that when life becomes unstable, a man needs the stability of his relationship to keep his balance and preserve his sanity. I wanted to say more, but the children were present. All I wanted was to scream that I needed her to guide me, to lead me with a firm but loving hand to whatever her whims desire.

I asked her if she needed anything from me and she told me that she wanted me to go to sleep to recover my energy so I could become my usual happy self.

If only I could tell her what would really bring the happy into the open...

Resolution Status

2010-04-30T21:52:00.001-07:00

Wednesday afternoon my wife and I made up a few times in the kitchen. When later we went to bed, she told me she was tired and wanted to sleep so I "was not getting any". I smiled and told her that of course we could sleep.

Thursday morning, I woke up with an erection and wanting my wife very much. I started kissing her and caressing her legs and she toyed with my hard penis a little. She told me we could not do anything because it was late and we needed to leave. I started to get up when she grabbed me and asked me "who said you could leave?" I smiled and laid there with her some more, until she let go of me and told me to go to work.

I went to the bathroom, shaved and brushed my teeth and my erection didn't go away, so when I walked into the room I pointed at it and told V that I would be thinking about her during the day. She teased me saying "Good, but don't break anything"

I had a good day, thought about her and sent her an email from work telling her so.

When I came home, she was getting ready to leave and I was to stay with the kids. She didn't ask me to do anything, but said "Oh my god, this house is disgusting!" and then she added "It never ends! The laundry! The dishes!" I made a mental note of her subliminal message (you see? even ol' me can learn)

As soon as she left I went to work, to follow my new resolutions and did some work around the house. I did not do all by myself, but assigned some tasks to the kids. I selfishly kept the laundry and the dishes for myself, though since I know those were the ones my wife mentioned.

When she arrived, she commented that the house looked better and thanked me, but she had stuff to do, even though it was late. I'm glad my work ends at the end of my work day and I don't have to bring "homework"

She kissed me and went straight to sleep. It felt really good to be helping her around the house again. I was not sleepy so I read a book I got called "Uniquely Rika" that showed me an interesting perspective on D/s relationships. I won't comment about it now, because it probably deserves another post, but it was interesting.

I was up early this morning, way before the alarm and ready with another erection, but this time, motivated by what I read in Mistress Rika's book, I took the initiative and grabbed my wife. She responded by setting herself sideways, so we could spoon. Whenever she does this is an invitation for sex, but she wants to be passive and wants me to give it to her from behind.

I did it, but I know that she usually doesn't get orgasms that way, so after a while I turned her over and made love on top of her. I asked her if she was done before I came and she said "Oh, yes!"

Today, I took her out to dinner and bough her a watch she needed. While we checked the watches I saw her inspecting a necklace and when she put it back on the rack I asked her if she liked it and she said, "I love it, but may be some other time." I grabbed it and gave it to her. "You deserve it." I said. She took it and was very happy about it.

I'm feeling way better about myself and about my resolutions. I have to share more about what I sent her on an email (that she has not responded yet to) and about Mistress Rika's book.

Quest Renewed

2010-04-29T17:23:00.000-07:00

After the comments left by At All Times in my latest post and reading the blog A Wonderful Journey, I have thought hard about my desires to submit.

Do I really want to submit to V?

Am I willing to do whatever she needs me to do to make her happy, satisfy her needs and encourage her dominance, in that order?

Why do I become lazy and unenthusiastic sometimes?

After much thought, I have decided that I can't give up my quest. I have lived with the need to submit for many years, even though I only identified what my "problem" was until a few years ago, and can't afford to continue living life unfulfilled. If I'm unfulfilled and frustrated I won't be able to make my wife as happy as she deserves to be. If I search for release of my need to submit on other women, even imaginary ones, I would be unfaithful to the one who gives me her everything. I can't do that. My relationship is sacred and permanent. I can't be unfaithful to V.

So, what's left?

This is it. I have to do it. She doesn't know what I need and I'm too afraid to tell her, so I'll have to be patient and understanding. I have come to the following resolutions:

1) I WON'T GO TO BED AT NIGHT UNLESS I HAVE PERFORMED AT LEAST ONE ACT OF SERVICE TO MY WIFE

2) I WILL CONTINUE TO LOOK FOR SUBTLE WAYS TO EMPOWER HER, ENCOURAGING HER DOMINANT BEHAVIOR BUT NEVER COMPLAINING ABOUT HER VANILLA BEHAVIOR

3) I WILL ACCEPT MY WIFE'S WISHES AND PREFERENCES WITHOUT TRYING TO FORCE ANY UNWANTED CHANGE IN HER

4) I WILL BE PATIENT IN UNDERSTANDING THAT IF SHE DOES NOT ACCEPT MY SUBMISSION, IT IS MY OWN FAULT FOR NOT HAVING REALLY OFFERED AND NOT A PERSONAL REJECTION.

5) I WILL LOOK FOR WAYS TO INTRODUCE THE CONCEPTS OF FLR IN SAFE, NON-THREATENING WAYS.

6) MY WIFE AND HER NEEDS WILL ALWAYS COME FIRST, WAY BEFORE MY NEEDS FOR DOMINATION.

All of the above will be my work for the future.

I started immediately by cleaning our room before going to bed last night. She noticed that I tidied up a little and mentioned it.

Later today, or tomorrow, I will continue with what happened at night and at morning, and also with whatever act of service I perform tonight. There's much to do and she's going out, so perhaps I'll be able to do quite a bit.

We'll see...

Later.

Poor Behavior

2010-04-27T20:58:00.000-07:00

I have not been acting very submissive as of late.

I keep wishing that V's dominance would grow, but the truth is that I am not doing much to actually turn the dream into reality. Lately I have been lazy and not very attentive.

My laziness has not been limited to my service to V, but to many other areas of my behavior. I have not completed several things I was suppossed to do around the house, and my performance at work is suffering as well. If I were to describe it, I'd say I have a severe case of "the Mondays", except that it's not Monday, and it happens evey day.

She has done a little bit in the arena of telling me to do things, like last Saturday, when she gave me a list of things to do. I felt a tingle when I saw the list and I completed every single activity. That night she thanked me, kissed me good night and I felt the satisfaction of having done my part in pleasing her. However that day was the exception rather than the rule. I've not been very helpful as of late and I think the progress I had achieved has been lost, at least in part.

I will try to get into gear again, because I still feel submissive, but I'm submissive and lazy right now, which is not a good combination in stealth submission.

I tremble in fear when thinking that perhaps the reason I feel so lazy is because I'm having too many orgasms. My wife has become a little more interested in sex as of late, something that may have ben caused by me helping her more around the house, and although it had been a desire of mine for years, having more sex may be effecting a change in my submissive feelings.

One of the common threads I've found in the literature available is that men are less submissive and less attentive right after they are sexually satisfied, so I think I may not be too far from reality on my thinking.

I had sex with V this morning, and yesterday morning, and the day before. Although we have always been sexually active, it's unusual to have sex consecutively, especially at a time when she is very busy in her personal life. As a matter of fact, V wanted to have sex last nigth, but arrived too tired and asked me to wake her up in the morning.

Her mentrual cycle is approaching and she will have to deny me for a few days. We'll see if I become less lazy when not being released.

For now, I'm thinking of ways to be asked do be of more service. She is definitely asking for more chores, like today when she left and asked me to cook and feed the kids, which I happily did, however, the dishes are dirty and the living room is a mess and I feel "too tired" to do anything. I better shape up or my relationship is going to go down the drain to the place it was before when V could not trust me to remember any promise (much less keep it) or be of any help. We are not there yet, but sliding down is much easier than climbing up, so I better watch it...

Now I need to go back and see that they are getting ready for bed.

When Nature Wants a Man

2010-04-23T17:38:00.000-07:00

by Angela Morgan
1873-1957

When Nature wants to drill a man

and thrill a man and skill a man,

When Nature wants to mould a man

To play the noblest part;

When she yearns with all her heart

To create so great and bold a man

That all the world shall praise

Watch her method, watch her ways!

How she ruthlessly perfects

Whom she royally elects;

How she hammers him and hurts him

and with mighty blows converts him

Into trial shapes of clay

which only Nature understands

While his tortured heart is crying

and he lifts beseeching hands!

How she bends, but never breaks,

When his good she undertakes...

How she uses whom she chooses

and with every purpose fuses him.

By every art induces him

to try his splendor out

Nature knows what she's about.

When Nature wants to take a man

and shake a man and wake a man;

When Nature wants to make a man

to do the future's will;

When she tries with all her skill

and she yearns with all her soul

To create him large and whole....

With what cunning she prepares him!

How she goads and never spares him,

How she whets him and she frets him

And in poverty begets him...

How she often disappoints

whom she sacredly anoints.

With what wisdom she will hide him,

Never minding what betide him

Though his genius sob with slighting

and his pride may not forget!

Bids him struggle harder yet.

Makes him lonely so that only

God's high messages shall reach him

So that she may surely teach him

What the Hierarchy planned.

Though he may not understand

Gives him passions to command

How remorselessly she spurs him,

with terrific ardor stirs him

When she poignantly prefers him!

When Nature wants to name a man

And fame a man and tame a man;

When Nature wants to shame a man

To do his heavenly best...

When she tries the highest test

That her reckoning may bring

When she wants a god or king!

How she reins him and restrains him

So his body scarce contains him

While she fires him and inspires him!

keeps him burning, ever yearning

for a tantalising goal

Lures and lacerates his soul.

Sets a challenge for his spirit,

Draws it higher when he's near it

Makes a jungle, that he clear it;

Makes a desert, that he fear it

And subdue it if he can

So doth Nature make a man.

Then, to test his spirit's wrath

Hurls a mountain in his path

Puts a bitter choice before him

And relentless stands o'er him.

"Climb, or perish!" so she says...

Watch her purpose, watch her ways!

Nature's plan is wondrous kind

Could we understand her mind...

Fools are they who call her blind.

When his feet are torn and bleeding

Yet his spirit mounts unheeding,

All his higher powers speeding

Blazing newer paths and fine;

When the force that is divine

Leaps to challenge every failure

and his ardor still is sweet

And love and hope are burning

in the presence of defeat...

Lo, the crisis! Lo, the shout

That must call the leader out.

When the people need salvation

Doth he come to lead the nation...

Then doth Nature show her plan

When the world has found--a man!

Saturday Service Again

2010-02-20T16:36:00.001-08:00

This morning V asked me what my plans for the day were.

"I don't have any plans. Today is Saturday and I want to do whatever you ask me to."

She said she didn't have anything for me to do, but then asked me for a sandwich. I said all right and she said that whoever got up first would get it.

"No," I said, getting up. "Let me get it for you."

I made her a sandwich and when I gave it to her I thanked her for asking me for giving me something I could do for her. She told me that she had to go out but that she wanted me to gather all dirty laundry from around the house and bag it so she could take it to the laundry. I was to take the bags to her car and also the girl's bikes, so they could ride at the shopping center. I did all that immediately, even though she said that she didn't need it done until later. I wanted to be free for her to ask me anything else.

I was wondering if she would like me to offer to do the laundry in her place, but I thought that she was planning to do some computer work while the laundry was done and if she stayed home she would get busy with chores and would not complete her required work.

I came to report to her that the laundry and the bikes were in her car. She looked at me and said that I was sexy.

"You are sexy," she said, holding my hand. "I like you, even with that stupid hat (I was wearing a hat because I had gone outside to load the car) and I mean I really like you, isn't that awesome?"

I admitted that I was pleased that she thought I was sexy and asked her if she was going to do anything about it. She smiled and said that what she wanted was to give me work. I repeated my previous statement that I was there to serve her in anyway she needed.

She surprised me with what she did after.

She told me that she was tired and she was not going to do anything else after the laundry, and wanted me to take her to the movies. She explained that she didn't know if she was going to have enough time, however, because she had a lot of housework to do.

I told her that the boys and I could do the housework while she was at the laundromat. I offered to do the dishes (there are many) and she said that she wanted me to clean the whole kitchen instead, so she could ask the boys to do the bathrooms. I smiled and thank her for giving me a way to please her. She said that maybe we could have sex tonight, but that she may be too tired. I told her that whether or not she wanted to have sex with me (she hushed me at this point because the girls were playing just outside the door) I still wanted to please her and that by giving me something specific to do for her, she was making me happy.

She said that we will have sex and a movie and that way we will both be happy. I asked her what she meant by that, in a teasing way, hoping to encourage her to get into the subject, but the girls needed help and we had to leave the conversation undone. I asked her if she would give the boys her instructions or she wanted me to do it and she said she would.

"Boys," she said coming to the living room. "I want you to clean the bathrooms and the kitchen. Dad will take care of the kitchen, and each boy will take a bathroom. Don't rush it, because the first one who finishes is going to go help the others, but don't drag it out either because if I come back home and you are not done, you will have to finish it by yourself."

She was using her commanding tone, the one that she rarely uses with me and I was getting weak at the knees, imagining that it was for me only and not for "the boys". As you can imagine the boys were whining and complaining. I was in bliss.

What she said next blew my mind.

"I want to see your heads nodding now, boys!" and "Do you understand?"

She waited for each boy in turn to nod and stop complaining and she said "Good".

Then she turned to me, still in commanding mode and gave me the same treatment.

I nodded. Of course I nodded, even though I know she did it more for the boys benefit than for mine, but still it gave me a thrill to be commanded and ordered to nod in recognition.

"Good Boy!"

Then she left. I had to go to my room for a bit to allow for my erection to fade before going back to clean the kitchen.

EDIT:

I did the best job I've ever done of cleaning the kitchen. When V came home I took the things from the car, including the bikes and brought everything back. She asked me why I didn't clean the kitchen and told me that there were traces of peanut butter and jelly on the floor, cheese wrappers on the table and a bunch of dirty plates in the sink.

I was about to get to the kitchen to drag the boys to clean it again when she bursted out in laughter. She told me that the kitchen was perfect and thank me for all my help.

She gave me oral sex for longer than usual, and then told me that she was done and she wanted to cuddle. I was surprised, but said okay. Then she pulled me over her and said "cuddle here" and we had a bit of rough sex.

In retrospect, I think it was another good day, and the kitchen is actually clean (I checked)

Pain, or the idea of pain?

2010-02-18T20:24:00.000-08:00

I was reading in some of the literature related to male submission recently that some men think they are attracted to pain when in reality they are attracted to the IDEA of pain.

Recently, after one time when I told V that she did not have to be gentle with me, she has begun to scratch, bite and spank when having sex. She has also started to twist my nipples. The spanking is not too effective because the position doesn't allow for too much strength, but yesterday, she spanked me hard a couple times while i kissed her toes, and she asked me if i felt it "deep enough". I said that I loved it and she said I was crazy.

Her bites have been painful and she has marked my chest several times, and that actually excites me. The twisting of the nipples has not been that painful, but perhaps it's because she only does it when I am almost to the point of no return. I have cummed several times while she twisted my nipples and i can't tell how hard she's doing it.

The scratching, however, is another story.

Several times her nails have made me wonder if I really want her to give me pain. I have hesitated, because she has gone farther than I thought she would. I had almost screamed in pain, but have resisted, because at the same time I don't want her to stop doing what she's doing. This has brought the concept of the IDEA of pain to the forefront of my mind.

Do I really want her to punish me in painful ways, or do I just want her to play at it?

This is a question I don't have an answer at the moment. I will have to ponder on it and explore a little bit. For now, V has only been playing, and only when having sex, but I'm already having my doubts. Am I going to chicken out?

There are two things I know:

1) I'm going to resist as much as possible any pain that she deems appropriate to inflict upon me, because even if it scares me a little, it's exciting and drives our relationship in the direction I desire.

2) Being that V is a tender, loving wife, if I tell her that she's hurting me, she's going to stop and treat me delicately. For now I want her to gain confidence in what she's doing, before I complain about it.

Today was a pretty much vanilla day. V was busy with school things, so I did a couple things she asked me to do. She also told me that she wants me to take two weeks off from work in August so I can babysit while she goes to a seminar. After I said yes, she said that actually she has plans for me for those two weeks, and then she explained and asked if I'd do it. I said yes and asked her to get the dates of the seminar as soon as possible so I can secure the vacation.

She didn't command me to do it, although I thought she was going to, bu the tone when she told me to take vacation. I think she was not sure if she could "get away" with having me babysit for two weeks and also do the other stuff around the house and that lowered her tone.

The other thing submission-related was that she was in bed and found my glasses. Then she told me that I like her feet so much that even if I'm not there, my glasses still stay at her feet. I was busy and distracted and didn't take advantage of the situation. In retrospective, I could have taken a little time to go "get the glasses" and kiss her feet a little more, like I did yesterday.

Oh, well. I'm sure that other opportunities will present themselves.

For now, I am left to wonder about pain.

A test? (part 2)

2010-02-13T20:16:00.001-08:00

The day was long without V.

The results from the test are two-fold. First is what I managed to achieve, out of the things V had requested and second, V's reaction to what I did or left undone.

I was supposed to do the following:

1) Clean the Kitchen
2) Feed the girls
3) Give medicine at the proper times to the girl who is sick
4) Fold the laundry

At the time when the medicine was due, I found the girls were still asleep, so I waited until they woke up, but as soon as they did, I gave them breakfast and medicine. They chose cereal for breakfast, so nothing hard there.

I did all the dishes, scrubbed the Teflon off a pan I didn't know it had Teflon, dried and stored everything, cleaned the table and scrubbed the floor. With the exception of ruining the Teflon pan, I think I did a good job.

I made lunch and dinner as well.

The laundry was another story altogether. I didn't know just how much it was, but it was like an entire week of clothes to sort, fold and hang. It was by far the hardest job, and I didn't manage to finish it, with all the interruptions, like cooking and stuff...

V came back home very tired and with a stomach ache, so I gave her medicine and a cup of water. She was very grateful for all the things I did, even smiling when she saw the used-to-be-Teflon pan and saying that "it had never been so clean" (she's a good sport)

As for the laundry, she told me that she didn't expect that I was even going to do it, because it was so much that she had been avoiding it all week herself.

When she arrived, she asked me how my day was and I told her that it had been good because I had spent it doing things for her. She asked me if I had done anything for ME and I said that I had, which is true, because I had taken a nap and had spent some time playing a video game, but most the day was spent in her service.

At the end of the day, I am grateful for a day when V told me how I could please her and even though I didn't do as much as I had hoped, I did more than she expected. I feel happy that I spent the day serving her and my love for her grows more and more.

In the morning, she told me that she had not dared to hope that anything would be done because people "always forget" to do as she asks. I told her that I was trying to improve on that and she said that I was improving.

Then she said: "Bite my neck" and things went wild from there.

A test? (part 1)

2010-02-13T09:00:00.000-08:00

This Saturday morning, V is not home.

She left early and left me taking care of the girls.

She asked me to feed them, to which I said, "yes, ma'am." Then she smiled and asked me to clean the kitchen, and I replied exactly in the same way.

Then she started laughing and said "Really?"

After I repeated my consent she jokingly said "I also want you to fold the laundry."

"Okay," I said.

A very brief conversation, but an opportunity for me to show her how much I appreciate serving her. Because if my past (years' worth) failure to serve her, she does not believe that I will fold the laundry, she barely believes that I will clean the kitchen and will even call on her phone to verify that the girls have been fed.

My test today is to see how far I go in my desire to please her. It is both a test and an opportunity and I intent to keep up with it.

I will post a continuation to this post after the day is over, to go over the results of the "test" and my feelings about it. Now I want to go get started by feeding the girls before V calls.

I'm smiling ear to ear as I write this. We'll see if I'm smiling at the end of the day...

Becoming vs. Discovering

2010-02-11T17:45:00.000-08:00

In one recent comment, I pondered about a couple points. One of them was the question of whether Mistress V has to BECOME the dominant partner of our relationship or she just has to DISCOVER that she is in fact such a partner already. This distinction has to do, of course with a deeper philosophical question: How dominant does a person has to be to be THE dominant partner in a relationship?

Being that I have submissive feelings for V, she is already in control of much in our relationship. Where exactly does she start being dominant? I have been thinking about that issue recently and think that if we think in relative terms, she is already the dominant, because she has more control over our relationship than I do, but in absolute terms, the distribution of power in our partnership is less clear.

Thinking about that, and reading comments and postings on other blogs and sites, I've come to realize that what I have before me is not so much an issue of my wife BECOMING my dominant, but more an issue of her DISCOVERING the fact that she already is. This was a welcomed realization for me, because it means that I don't have to attempt to change a person who is already the most lovely woman I've ever met, but just help her realize the way things already are.

One things that has impacted my ability to achieve this in the past is that I frequently become too "needy" and probably express myself in submissive ways that she finds unattractive. Acting "needy" includes requesting her to do dominant things to me, and acting more submissive than she finds comfortable with. I've "discovered" (between quotations, because it's not my original concept, but one I learned applied to our case) that I get more "needy" when I am not constant in my submission to her. When I get tired of submitting, or frustrated because my efforts don't seem to provide benefit, I stop being submissive and at those points, my needs are not being satisfied (because of my own failure to stay on the route that satisfies them). When I am constant in my submissiveness, ironically, I act less submissive, which I guess Mistress V finds more alluring. The truth is that we say we want to have a Queen besides us, but many Queens don't particularly want the company of groveling slaves.

Seeing that it is easier to maintain an appropriate demeanor when I'm more constant in my service to Mistress, and that she only has to discover the position she occupies in our relationship, has made the task of communicating my feelings for her easier.

No, don't hold your breath yet. I didn't come out and told her straight.

But I did have a conversation with her.

She was extremely busy with something I can't help her with (preparing for a test) and I asked her if I could help. She said that I couldn't but thanks. I asked her if I could help her with something else, so she could do what she had to do and she said yes. I could help her by having sex with her. She said that I should "be clean" because she anted to give me oral sex.

Now, that is very unusual. I have been married for many years and this almost never happened before, not even during our honeymoon. Yes, she has given me oral sex many times, but this time she said she wanted to and asked me to clean myself.

Of course I said yes, and we had sex for as long as she wanted. She told me that I was very sweet by continuing to pleasure her even after I had already "finished" (her word) and I told her that I wanted to make sure she "finished" as well. She said "Oh, I did." and I asked her if she finished before or after me, (she is mild mannered and sometimes i can't detect it) and she smiled and said "Before and after".

The next day I was working on the computer and she came all over me, kissing me and rubbing herself against me. She touched the beginning of my erection and said "Oh, you are not teased enough" (Again, her words. I almost couldn't believe it) so she kissed me some more and played with my penis until it became hard.

"Now I'm teased" I said.

"Good," she said, moving away. "Now I can leave. I'll leave you like that because I'm evil"

She had to go out to take a class. I knew it, and she knew I knew it, but still took her time to tease me. I was so happy I could barely contain myself, but I did. I had to take advantage of the opportunity to express my feelings, though. I just had to remain cool and not too "needy"

"I love it when you tease me," I said with a smile. "Feel free to tease me any time you want."

She did not answer.

"You know you have power to do anything you want with me?" I asked.

"Yes," she said (wow!) "Women have power over men, but that's because women are evil... poor men."

"No, not any woman. I only want YOU have power over me."

At this point she was moving my head around as if I was a marionette. "So you want to be subject to it?"

"Of course," I said. "It's sexy."

She was not repulsed. She actually kissed me and left me there "properly teased"

I was amazed at how much had happened in the span of a few minutes. I had to go out also, to do some errand for her and to do something I needed to do as well, so I did not spend much time thinking of this, but she had given me much to think about.

"Wake me up in the morning," she said (this means "let's make love before you go" in her language) "I'll be too tired tonight."

I said I would, but when she came back she asked me to make love to her right then and there but be quick about it because she had to study. I made sure to do my best to comply.

"Do you still want me to wake you up in the morning?" I asked in the cuddling time afterwards.

"No," she said. "I'll be to tired then."

Nothing else has happened since, because I went to work, she went to work and I just came back. One thing seems sure, though. I feel much better than the last time I wrote here.

If this is a voyage of discovery rather than a transformational venture, I think success will not only be attainable, but it will happen much sooner than it would otherwise be.

Now, let me stop this thing, which is becoming too long already, and let me go find how Mistress V wants to be served today...

Still on the same boat...

2010-02-08T17:33:00.000-08:00

As one commenter said before, my 'discreet campaign of hidden submission' is not giving the desired results. At least not to the extent I'd like to.

My feelings as a submissive husband continue to intensify, if that's possible, but my wife does not seem to grasp the idea that I want her to dominate me.

She has gotten the idea that I want her to be a little rough in bed, and expressed to me that the reason she doesn't do it is that she fears that I will be rough with her, and she likes sex 'soft and tender'. I told her that I'd be as soft and tender as she wanted, but that she did not have to worry about doing the same for me. She laughed and said "men are savages". Since then, she has been scratching, biting and spanking me during sex, which is a beautiful thing.

This goes to show that she is at least partially open to do the things that please me in bed, but she has a big thing about me not 'doing things because I want sex' and wants me to do things without her telling me. I've told her that I don't do things because I want sex, but that I want to please her. She seems happy with that explanation but I don't think she really believes it. I'm trying to show her that I want to serve her even when sex is out of the question, such as when she has her period and such, but I guess I'll have to be more consistent on that.

The other day I received an email from her at work where she thanked me for all the help I gave her the night before and she specifically mentioned that I did it 'without expecting any reward' so I guess she's noticing.

I still don't dare coming out clean and telling her that I am submissive.

Today, she said that she wants to give ME oral sex, and she also said that she wants me to do the dishes, but she made it very clear that she doesn't want me to establish any correlation between one and the other.

I love to receive oral sex, and knowing that she's getting a desire to do it, makes me hot. I'd also love to give her oral sex, but she doesn't like it. We used to do it before, so I guess it was not as good as I thought.

When I have not had sex in a while, my kinks come very near the surface and I begin to have fantasies about sex. For now, my strongest fantasies include being tied up, being spanked and being penetrated anally with a strapon. I don't have any fantasies that do not involve Mistress V, meaning that all these things are things I wish she would do for me, but I guess I'll have to wait, since I don't even dare to tell her of simpler things...

Sometimes I wish I could just tell her right up all that I feel, but the fear of losing her confidence, of her knowing that all this time I have been wishing for something else, makes it harder and harder. I know it will only get worse with time, so I better do something to ramp up and pave a way for this before it's too late.

I just have to figure out how.

Anniversary

2010-01-11T01:07:00.000-08:00

It was our wedding anniversary this week.

I took my Mistress to a nice restaurant. she was very happy with the place. It was the most romantic dinner we have ever had.

After dinner, we were going to the movies, but Mistress said she was tired and wanted to go back to the house, unless I "really wanted to go to the movies". Of course I told her that we'd go home as she wished.

At home we cuddled to a movie. We had sex earlier in the day, so it was not an expectation at this time.

When we had sex, she pulled a head massager and used it on me. The head massager makes my body tingle with pleasure as she uses it on my head and she calls it "torture" so I feel submissive as she uses it on me. She also loves it when I use it on her, so I also did. It is an amazing little toy and it's very powerful, especially is you consider that it costs so little. You can get it from Amazon for a little over $10.00, but a friend bought one for me from a store called Bed Bath & Beyond for only $3.99 and it's the same exact model. (Amazon has others). If the picture is not visible, just know that it is not an electric "toy" but a wire thing that looks like an egg beater that has been cut open at the ends (and those ends dipped in plastic to eliminate their sharp edges)

I don't know when my Mistress will offer or ask for "torture" again, but it now has a privileged spot by our bed side table.

If only I could muster the strength to serve my Mistress better...

By the way, this very night I was denied sex by her, not in a very dominant way, but not in an apologetic tone either. She simply said "I am going to sleep now, honey" and I accepted it as her will, even though I want her bad. She usually tells me that I can "take her" in the morning, but that is usually a short endeavor with ehr being basically passive, so I don't really favor it unless I'm very horny. Also, during the week, I don't really have much time or energy in the early mornings.

I may or may not "take her" tomorrow morning.

On self spanking...

2010-01-07T17:17:00.000-08:00

As I said on a previous post, I have desires for physical punishment. Contrary to my desires for submission, that I try to gradually open up to my Mistress, my desires for punishment are much more delicate, since I think that Mistress is not going to see that with good eyes. Over the years, I have tried to punish myself in different ways, but the punishment never reached a satisfying end. This all changed this year.

I was searching the Internet for information on self-punishing and my search result pointed to a blog where someone mentioned pre-recorded instructions for self punishment. Sadly, when I clicked on the link, the blog had been taken offline and that particular post was not in the cached version, so I only had the tittle and nothing else.

I gave the issue some thought. How would it be if I could write a script for a punishment session and then play it back on my MP3 player as I followed the instructions? At first, I thought it would not work, but one day, while on a work related trip away from Mistress V, I decided to try it.

My reasons for suddenly wanting to try a recording are complex, but in their most simplistic expression they can be reduced to this:

1) I was horny as hell because I was away from Mistress.
2) I did not want to be "unfaithful" to mistress by masturbating (as a submissive, it gives me great pain to be so weak as to not be able to control myself for her)
3) I was about to fail her as I started to play with myself in my hotel room.
4) I felt that only a punishment would take my mind away from "consummating" my failure.
5) I had tried many different ways of self-punishment and they always ended in masturbation anyway...

So, armed with a deep desire for punishment and a deep horniness, I grabbed a paper and began to write a script. The script had instructions for me to follow, things for me to repeat and counts for the number of strokes I was to give myself. After writing what I considered was a lengthy "scene" I laid down and recorded everything on my MP3 player.

I tried the scene out and for the first time in my whole life I was able to punish myself to the point where I would feel it the next day. The session, it turned out was not long at all, so the next day, even though my buttocks were still sore, I wrote a new, shorter script that did not have an end (to be played continuously) and another one with the ending. At the end of the first track I ask a few questions about my submissive desires and about wanting to remain chaste to Mistress V. If I can honestly answer them to the positive, I press next and go to the last track, where I plant suggestions about how to be a better husband and a better submissive. If I am not "ready", meaning I still want to masturbate or watch porn or something, I have to let the player repeat the track one more time.

The first time I used the three-track version (the original plays first, because it has an introduction of sorts) I used the second track two or three times and by the end of it, I was shaking with pleasure, my ass was red and hot and I had absolutely no desire to play with myself any longer. For the rest of my trip (it was relatively long) I did not masturbate once, and ever since I came back I have only done it twice, which is a great deal, considering that once upon a time I was doing it every day and some days more than once.

My feelings of submissiveness for Mistress V increased during that time and I was so sure I would come home to be a better husband, but of course, even the best laid plans cannot survive an encounter with reality. When I am home, and can't punish myself to my deepest satisfaction, I end up getting moody and lazy. I believe I need the control I crave. I think that when Mistress V becomes the caring Dominant of my dreams, I will not have need to try to balance my own life with substitutes, but for now, I believe that I have found in self punishment an alternative to avoid the feelings of guilt associated with masturbation while at the same time preserving all my sexual energy to please my Mistress, which is after all, my ultimate goal as a submissive.

Today, I feel like I should get some punishment, but everyone is home, so it's not going to happen. Additionally, Mistress already told me that if I want her I should "take her" before she becomes too tired. Choosing between taking her and taking a punishment, of course I choose her.

See you later...

Mistress V is too tired...

2010-01-07T00:38:00.000-08:00

I was not a good submissive today.

When I arrived home from work, Mistress was cleaning the bathroom. I asked her what else she had to do, with all the intention of helping her, but I was so tired (excuse...) I did not help her and that cost me, because Mistress was way too tired to have intercourse with me.

I am upset, not at her, like I would have been a few months ago, but at myself for being so lazy. I really need to focus more on having adequate sleep so I can have energy to help her in her tasks. If I don't serve willingly, I can't expect to turn her dominance on.

So, I can say that today was a failed day.

I feel that my behavior deserves punishment. Yes, since Mistress V does not punish me, sometimes I self-punish. I discovered that doing it myself was not fully satisfying until I discovered, quite by accident a method that actually leaves me shaking, trembling and almost crying (making myself cry would be a sign of success for me, since I consider it almost impossible) . I will leave the details of my self-punishing method for a separate post, but today I can't really do anything, because there is no privacy in my house. Mistress V. is asleep in our bed and there are kids all over the house.

One reason I am not updet at Mistress V is that I am finally beginning to understand that it is totally my fault that she is not "in the mood", so I should take the consequence like a man. There is another reason, though. If I claim to be a submissive, and proclaim my willingness to have Mistress V control every aspect of my life, inclusing my sex life, I have to get used to the idea of not having sex any time I want, but every time SHE wants.

This realization may still be worth the day.

See you,

V's boy.

Back in the fray

2010-01-04T20:10:00.000-08:00

I had computer problems and could not log in to my email account and they cancelled, which caused that I could not log in to my blogger account, so I basically had to rebuild the blog from scratch. Luckily I had not posted too many things, so it was not that hard. The only problem I see is that there were two people who had commented on the page and now they are lost to me.

Maybe I will try to comment on the old page and point people to the new page.

Anyway, I am going to try to answer two questions in this post:

1) Why am I back?

2) What has been going on for the past couple of months?

Okay, here we go.

First, I am back because even though my relationship with Mistress V has not evolved in the recent times, I feel like we get along better, and we don't argue as much. I feel like I would still like to steer this marriage towards her becoming my caring dominant. I also feel that whiole I was blogging, I had more motivation and energy to do whatever would please V and that would make me not only a better submissive, but also a better man.

Second, the short answer is "not much". Our relationship continues to be vanilla, although Mistress V seems a little more comfortable asking for sex than before. I still have to initiate most sexual encounters, though. During the last couple of months I have made great efforts to remain chaste for Mistress V, and have failed her only twice. Today I almost failed her, but I decided to be a man and "hold it in"or her. I am hoping that we will have sex tonight and don't want to ruin it by masturbating.

Another thing that has changed a little is that she is becoming a little more 'rough' in sex. She has been biting more, scratching more and squeezing my nipples. The biting my chest is leaving marks as is the scratching on the back, but the nipple thing is very soft, not enough for me, but I am not about to tel her that yet. Sometimes the back scratching is so hard it makes me shudder in pleasure, but it has not happenned too often. The last time we had sex she sucked on my nipple and it felt so good, I moaned. she did more of it and I was having an orgasm in no time.

Tomorrow is our wedding aniversary and in good old-fashioned husbandly manner, I forgot to get her something. I wish I had remembered before so I could buy some stuff to give her a pedicure. I adore her feet. I don't know what I will do tomorrow, but almost for sure I will bring her flowers and if she's not too tired I will take her to watch a movie.

I have to go now, but I hope I will be able to post something soon.

See you...

V's Boy

Mixed Results

2010-01-04T19:51:00.000-08:00

NOTE: Originally posted September 2009

Includes 2 comments that were posted to the blog and I could not reply to.

I have not been posting for a while and thought I should update the blog with what has been going on recently.

For the most part I have not been able to keep up with my own commitment to become Mistress V's submissive. There are a few reasons for this

I have not been exactly enthused with her commands
I have been lazy
I have not dared present her with an honest request or even a copy of the book
Let's see them one at a time:

NUMBER 1

Mistress V has given me commands, not in the authoritative way I would love, but she has done it. she has told me to do things here and there and has even gone so far as to say that i am to do as she said because I am "a good boy". The problem is that I have not been consistent in my servitude to her. True, I have done as she requested, but with few exceptions, I have done it without enthusiasm. There may be two or three exceptions, such as the other day when she asked me to do several things in succession and I thanked her. She said "Thank me? I should be the one thanking you!" to which I said "I love you and love serving you and when you tell me exactly how I can do that, I love it. Thank you." This is the closest I have ever come to a confession. but I have not been consistent. i know exactly the root cause for this lack of consistency: I have had too many orgasms. Most of them self inflicted. I totally have to start exercising self control and leave the habit of masturbation. I think that is I were consistent in my servitude, Mistress V's Dominance might awaken. I think I have seen hints of it somewhere.

NUMBER 2

I have not been consistent in my undercover servitude. I have done some things, but not enough. I think this is not as serious as number 1, but it would really strengthen the message that I really want to be in her service.

NUMBER 3

I printed a copy of Around her Finger, which is the most vanilla book on Female Dominance there is. Actually the book doesn't even mention the word dominance at all, but I have not dared giving it to her. I am afraid of doing it, and my fear is that she may reject me as she rejects my offer to submit to her. I know this may be an irrational fear, but it is there nevertheless and I don't know what I'd do if she rejects me like that. It is like a deep, deep part of me and it feels vulnerable and sensitive, exactly the part of the male psyche that we men try to protect throughout all our lives.

WHAT TO DO NOW:

I don't think I will dare to deal with number 3 for now, so I have to work on 1 and 2. I will try to be more consistent in serving her and be more enthusiastic when she "orders me around" I need to keep telling her that I adore serving her and being told how to do it.

Posted by V's boy at 8:42 PM

2 comments:

subservient-husband said...

I was scared too. I couldn't take the stealth submission any more. I e-mailed her a link to the around-her-finger web site and wrote, "I think this is me". I felt from there it is her choice how to proceed. I found the initial phase very vanilla, but even this was her decision and as such, fulfilling to my submissive nature. Recently, which is about seven months later, she has begun to feel more comfortable with more authoritative control.

About your response, I can confirm that the more you are obedient to her requests with enthusiasm, the more she will make requests. The more she is angry at you and you submit to her and agree with her opinion, the more comfortable she will be in her authority. At least that is what I have found.

IMHO, you should tell her and let her decide how to proceed and then submit to whatever that may be.

September 29, 2009 3:13 AM

At all Times said...

I agree with SH above, but understand very well your dilemma. I have never been as open with my wife, but overtime I think I have got my message across. A word of warning though, if your wife is like most other vanilla women, your submission will not be easy for her to understand. It is also very likely that she will not want a slave, or servant, at least not ion the way that you may fantasise about.

Loving female authority, and the doctrine put forward by aroundherfinger are definitley the way to go, and at sometime you will have to tell your wife more of how you feel. A campaign of stealth submission, small hints, and little real communication are going to lead to some confusion, many many ups and downs, and a much longer harder route than if you just sit down and explain how you feel. Asking your wife to look at the book or website will help start to explian your position but eventually you will haver to talk.

Whatever you do good luck, I will be following your journey with interest. I have posted loads of advice on my own blog, and if nothing else by reading it you, you may at least learn something from my mistakes.

Good Luck

September 30, 2009 7:42 AM

Saturday of Servitude

2010-01-04T19:49:00.000-08:00

NOTE: First posted June 28, 2009

Saturday was my day off, so I had more time in my hands and decided to step up a notch in my attempts to seduce Mistress V's dominance through my submissiveness. She was having her period, so I knew that she would not assume that I being nice because I "was trying to score".

Early in the morning, I went upstairs and fixed her a breakfast, which I brought beck and served to her in bed. During the day I did some shopping for her and went to pick up something that a friend wanted to give her. On my way back I brought her flowers. I did the dishes as well. It felt good to do these things for her.

There are two items of note, While she was on the table working on her laptop, I stood behind her and intended to give her a backrub, but she bend her head sideways and pointed to her neck. That is her signal for me to bite her right there (softly) which I immediately did. She moaned with pleasure and I told her that I loved when she let me know she was enjoying herself (she is very quiet during sex). I asked her if she wanted anything else and she pointed to the other side of her neck, so I proceeded to do the same. When I finished, I asked her again and she said "Your services are no longer required". I smiled and said, "thank you, my queen".

Later that night, when she was laying on bed (still working on her laptop) I sat by her feet and began to give her a foot massage. I wasnted so bad to lick and kiss her feet, but I retrained myself, because that may scare Mistress V, so I only gave her a massage and kissed her feet twice. While I was doing it, I asked V if I was bothering her and she said no.

After I was finished, I covered her feet with the blanket and stood up to go around to my side of the bed.

"Thank you," I said to her.

"No," she said with a smile. "Thank you."

"No, it was my pleasure," I insisted. "I get pleasure from pleasing you, do you believe it?"

"I guess I do," she said.

Then I pointed to my underpants, where my erection was bulging and she could clearly see that they were wet with my precum.

"Believe me," I insisted. "I get pleasure from giving you pleasure."

All in all I think it was a good day. It could have been better, but it was good.
This morning, I gave her breakfast in bed again, and was set up for another day of servitude, but I acted up in my weakness and stimulated myself to orgasm in the bathroom. I wish I was not so weak and could keep myself chaste for Mistress V.

Nothing Tonight

2010-01-04T19:45:00.000-08:00

Note: Originally posted on June 26, 2009

I did not have any type of affection from Mistress V today. She talked to me nicely, asked me to pick a kid from school, which I did. Asked me to put the garbage and recycling out, which I did, asked me to take care of my daughter while she went to swimming lessons with the older kids, which I did.

She was too busy and did not even talk to me at night. I was busy too, and now she's asleep and I want her and can't have her.

One of my fears about giving her the reins of my sex life is that I will not get any sex at all.

I may be exagerating, I don't know, but she has very little need for sex and her desire seems more an attempt to please me than anything else, so I'm afraid that if I gave her the key to my sexuality, she would lock it and place the key in a place so secure that no one would ever find it.

She stayed awake until midnight, when I finished what I was doing and then told me that she was cold because the thick blanket was in the dryer. Without waiting to be asked, I went for it and noticed that the other one was wet, so I took one and placed the other one in the drier. When I came back, V asked me if I had put the wet blanket in the Dryer. I said yes and covered her with the dry blanket. She said thank you and went to sleep.

No sex, no teasing, not even kissing or domination. Just a man trying to please his wife. I wonder how this will turn out.

V's boy

A new Journey begins... Where to?

2010-01-04T19:36:00.000-08:00

Note: This post was originally made in June 25, 2009

I guess this is my 'hello world' post, so allow me to introduce myself.

I am V's boy, a name that implies that I want to enter into a female-led relationship with my wife, who I will refer to as 'V' or 'Mistress V'. I live in a California suburb, have a good paying job with lots of authority, and in general show myself to the world as a leader.

In my private life, however, I've been holding a secret. I have strong feelings of submissiveness to a loving female authority. I have been reading books on the matter and searching the Internet for information, but most results turn out to be pornography, something that I find objectionable due to moral principle.

For the longest time I have lived with feelings of inadequacy, feeling that my submissive feelings were 'unmanly', immoral or deviant. It was not until early this year when I discovered Caring Domination from (website to follow) and learned that my feelings are not as exceptional as I thought. I also learned that my kinks have a cause, that my submission to a caring dominant could help me become a better person.

It was an incredibly liberating discovery.

The mere fact that I could aspire to have a loving female authority guide me and still be the man that I figure myself to be, gave me great joy.

I later learned more about the concepts I was interested about from a couple of websites, particularly Around her Finger (Website to follow).

At this point, I am not practicing the principles I have learned. The dream of submitting to my wife and enter into a wife-led marriage is being counterbalanced by fear.

I fear rejection from a very traditional wife, not only of the principles, but personal rejection as well. I don't think my wife would accept the concept if it was presented to her in the cold, so for a couple months now, I have been practicing "hidden submission".

Hidden submission is not fully satisfying for me because I crave for her authority and that requires her acknowledgment of the fact that she has power over me. I crave her control and her guidance, but that is not as forthcoming as I would like to see it. She has noticed that a couple of things have changed around here, such as we have not have an argument for a long time, I have not been whining for sex (something I apparently used to do all the time, even involuntarily) and I have been helping a little more around the house.

I have not taken a more active submissive role, even though I want to, mainly because I get discouraged easily by the lack of guidance, so this creates a vicious cycle, where I want to do things, but feel discouraged by lack of guidance, but since I am probably doing a little more than I used to do before, my wife doesn't feel that she needs to guide me, so she doesn't. My lack of enthusiasm then causes her to lack it as well.

I have made the decision to create this journal for several reasons:

I have seen many journals like this one and have seen how peer support can motivate one to keep going when the "road gets tough". I hope that the community will discover this journal and comment on it.
Make my thoughts clear. Sometimes I am not sure how to describe my feelings and putting them in writing could help me figure them out. Sometimes I don't even know if I am truly submissive or just going through a phase. I hope that this journal will help me figure that out.
To keep a record of my progress and have a realistic view of the status of my relationship. I think that writing overtime can help me "see the forest" while walking among "the trees". I think it would be interesting to look at this later, if I keep it going and see how the story unfolded.
One day, I wish to make V aware of the full extent of my feelings for her. That day, when I fearlessly submit all my being to her leadership, I hope I will dare to let her read these things. Let's say this could become my confession journal.
I think that I have written enough for an introduction. If you happen to stumble upon this journal by accident, feel free to leave comments and suggestions.

At this point, as the tittle of this post suggest, I don't know the destination of this journey, but I hope I can figure it out along the way.

V's boy