Being denied.

I was denied today.

In case you don't know what I'm talking about, in the last post I talked about the new game we are playing where I have to work out or I don't get sex. Well, today V told me that she was not going to count my workout and that I'd have to work out again tomorrow and "we'd see".

I'm so glad to see her beginning to embrace her power. I thanked her for her help and for being firm with me.

Before she decided to deny me, she told me that she was not sure if she was going to count my workout and that she was going to think about it. She asked me to do some other things for her today, such as serving her dinner in bed and said that maybe that would help her make up her mind. I asked her if she was trying to use her power in other areas and she said yes (WOW!) and in the end decided to let me wait another day.

The only thing I regret right now is that she can't find it in her to make me pleasure her, and by denying me, she denies herself. This may be a problem because if she gets horny enough, she may allow me to get unearned sex.

Other than that, the only thing I would wish for at this stage would be more teasing, but considering where we were just a couple of weeks ago, and how long it took me to even dare propose the idea of orgasm control to her, I can't complain. I'm in relative bliss right now and every step, no matter how small, as long as it is in the right direction, can be counted as a victory.

Can't wait for tomorrow!

First of all, I am really happy that I managed to retrieve the password for this blog. I couldn't change it because the email address that I used to create it is no longer valid. Finally I managed to figure out the password and change the email address.

Now for some real news: My wife is in control of my orgasms!!!

No, she is not dominating me quite yet, not at the level I desire, but there has been a gigantic leap of progress from the last time I posted here, and I am happier than a dog with two tails right now :) How did it happen? Read on!

Some time back, I told her that I needed motivation to exercise and lose weight. She playfully suggested that if I went and worked out for 15-30 minutes, she'd have sex with me. Of course I got up and went power walking. She fulfill her end of the deal and I got great sex. This went on for a week or two, but didn't work anymore, because she was too tired to offer sex as a reward and took pity on me when she wanted to have sex.

For a while I debated whether to bring the subject up again, and as you know, my fear always had the best part of me, but that changed the other day (actually last week) and I have been dying to find the password to this blog ever since, to share it with you :)

So how did it happen?

She said that she was very worried for my health and that I really needed to work out. I said "I know, but I'm always so tired!" we talked a little about it and I said that she could help. Since she had the previous experience, she had an idea of where I was coming from and said "I'm not going to do anything I haven't done in the years we've been married" to which I answered that it was not something new, but some structure to it. Then we agreed that I would tell her after the kids went to bed.

I was shaking with fear all afternoon, fearing that I would not dare bring the subject up, but when she came to bed, she asked me if I wanted t talk now and I agreed. What follows is a distillation of our chat. 75% of the time I was like uh... hmm... well... and having a hard time to keep my voice calm.

I explained to her that sex was the most powerful motivator in the world and that the few days that we had tried sex as a reward for exercise had worked but there were two basic problems with that approach:

1) If sex is used as a reward that is paid, anytime I work out she will be indebted to me, therefore, if she is not in the mood, or is too busy she will not want to do it, also, if I perceive that she is not going to pay, the motivation factor disappears.

2) If I don't keep my end of the bargain, but she wants to have sex, she will either have to deprive herself (punishment for her) or give me what was supposed to be a reward for free. One way or another this makes the program unworkable.

After explaining the problems I offered the following solution (I still don't know how I dared):

1) Sex would not be a direct reward for working out, but lack of it would be a consequence for failing to do it.
2) If I worked out, I may (or may not) have sex. If I didn’t, I would definitely have none.
3) The decision of whether I could have sex on working out days would be entirely in her power. She didn’t have to say why or why not and it would be entirely up to her choice.
4) If I worked out, the ‘effects’ (the possibility of having sex) expire the following morning. There is no cumulative effect or saving ‘rewards points’ for another day.
5) This game was all for me, and it should not limit her in any way. If she wants to have sex but I have not ‘earned’ it, she can have me do anything to pleasure her, sexual or non-sexual, including having sex until she is satisfied and making me stop.
6) She should have no mercy. The ‘no work out, no orgasm’ (for me) rule should be enforced always.
7) If I complain or get in a bad mood, she should remind me that I asked for this and that it is for my own good.
8) She should tease me; both verbally and physically to make sure I am as motivated as can be, whether or not she thinks that there will be sex later or not.
9) She doesn’t have to tell me if she is planning to have sex with me or not, but should require that I work out “just in case”.
10) She should make sure to tell me why I’m not getting any when I fail to do my part.
11) No excuses on my part will change her mind. This should serve me as a reminder.
Believe it or not, my wife embraced this new setup! She said that she thought it would work and that she would do it. She was laughing and I said that she seemed to be enjoying her new power and she said she was.
She said that we would start immediately so I would be going to bed without "getting any". I confessed to her that I felt a jolt in my member when she said that and she laughed again!
The only rile she had an issue with was number 5. She said she didn't think that making me stop would work for her. I told her that it would be powerful and she agreed but she doesn't think she will do it, because having me finish inside her gives her "an emotional close-out" (her words, which I don't really understand).
Anyway, that was Tuesday. Here is the summary since then:
TUE: That's the night I presented this game to her. No release.
WED: I was too tired to work out and resigned to not get any, but she came on to me and started talking to my penis, telling "him" that he was not getting any and that he knew whose fault it was. She laughed as my penis came to full attention. She told me "look at him, poor thing! You don't deserve to have a penis! You don't know how to give it what it needs" After teasing me for a while, she asked me if I had gotten a second wind and said "Go work out!" I did and had the most intense intercourse in recent memory.
THU: Nothing
FRI: Nothing
SAT: She woke me up in the morning and noticed I had an erection. She said "what are you doing here? Go work out!" I did, and when I came back she told me that she was having her period, so I was not getting any, but I was a good boy for working out. Then she added that she had been in her period since Thursday, so I'd never know if she could do it Sunday or not. (Smart one this one... she's getting the hang of it)
SUN: Too busy for anything, but I suspect that she is still in her period. Now that I have given up control of my sexual pleasure to her, I don't think I need to know when she's available or not.
That brings me up to date.
Oh, I almost forgot that yesterday I started to keep a journal of her teases, my workouts and my feelings. After I finish the entry for the day, I send it to her. I told her that it was because all this is an experiment and I may need to remember. I also told her that I'd send it to her daily by email. She said that she would be too busy to read it and I told her that she doesn't have to, because I am the only one who has to do things for this, but that if she feels like it, she can write any remarks on it as well. She said Okay.
As I said before, I'm so happy my legs are shaking (and something else is dripping).
I know this is not full-fledged female domination, but I feel great. She loves the control and the power she feels and that will ensure that she keeps it up.
Today I asked her something (non sexual) that apparently I have asked too may times and she said: "ask me one more time and you will be in so much trouble that no amount of exercise will help you." Major jolt right there!
I can't wait for tomorrow!

Partial Progress

MOVING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION

This is my only update in a while. The reason for it being that I don't feel like writing the same thing over and over adds anything of value to the situation.

I'm happy to report that there has been some movement in a favorable direction. Ever since the last embarrassing post, I have not fallen prey of my fantasies and have been able to remain on track. As the title says, the progress is partial, but it feels great to have something as oppossed to nothing. As I said, I feel like I'm moving in the right direction.

PARTIAL CONFESSION (or a lame email)

Last week or so, I sent an email to my wife where I told her that I had the New Year's resolution of putting her and her needs above mine. I explained that I was only happy when she was happy, so yes, it was for my own benefit, but I wanted her life to be more confortable, so I wanted her to give me feedback as to how to do that. I asked her to let me know when I was pleasing her and when I was not and I also asked her to allow me to serve her. I adapted this approach from a book titled "Simply Rika". It is not a full confession of my fantasies and desires, but it gives her a starting point to understand what is going on inside this messed up head of mine.

She did not answer the email and acted as if she was going to ignore, so I thought she didn't like the idea, even as tame as I presented it to her, but I have seen some subtle changes in the past few days.

SOME CHANGES (or am I imagining things?)

For the next two days after I sent her the email, she invited me to watch movies with her. On one of those days, my son came to tell me that the local team had won and V said, "You missed the game to watch a movie with me? Aww, that's so sweet!"

I approached her one morning with visible sexual "intent" and she told me that she was a bit tired but she would "let me have sex" if I would be a good boy after and made her breakfast in bed. You can bet I was a VERY good boy and made sure she enjoyed as much as I could make her. Later that day, she told me I had been very good in the morning.

She was singing a song where the singer says that she is wrapped around the finger of her lover and changed the lyrics to say that I was wrapped around her finger. I thought her choice of language was interesting but it came from a song, so not from the famous book.

We went to visit some friends. After we ate, she handed me her empty plate and asked me to go get her more food. I did, pretty much interested in the fact that she asked me to do something for her in public, when usually people expect that she'd be the one serving me.

While at our friend's we playing a game where after each round the winner became "king". My wife was lucky enough that after spending some rounds in the lower positions, she won the final round and became "Forever King" of the tournament. I joked that it was not enough that she ruled at our house, but now she was ruling me in other places as well. She teased me that she was my wife and that's the way it was suppossed to be. Everyone laughed, but to me it was a little bit more than a simple joke and felt a deep connection to my wife at that time.

She was not doing anything at the time, but still called me to tell me that she wanted a snack. She asked me to make her a sandwitch and bring it to her bed.

She told me that she was tired and going to bed, but that I should put the food away and put the gilrs to bed. To this I added doing all the dishes and cleaning the table, even though she had not asked.

ONLY IN MY HEAD?

All these things and others are subtle. She is not commandeering or demanding. SHe also says please and thank you a lot, but I guess that's part of her personality and as long as she shows me her appreciation and gives me the opportunity to serve her, I feel fulfillment.

The question remains, am I seeing too much into things, or is she really giving me the chance to serve her? I guess that time will tell.

PREVIOUS SIGNS

As any reader of these things may be aware, I've been trying to become V's submissive for a while now. Before this partial confession, I had been trying "stealth submission". There were a few signs that encouraged me to take the determination to do the partial confession. Here are a couple of them.

V was sitting in the living room one day and told me that she was very tired and she wanted me to goive her a food massage, but without giving me anything in return. I smiled and gave her the foot massage with great care.

One day, after I had done something for her, I don't remember what, she told me I had been a very good boy, and she was going to give me a prize, so she asked me to get the lotion. I did, thinking that she was going to give me a hand job, but also thinking that it was very unusual for her to initiate such a thingm because she has only given me hand jobs when I begged her and only if she couldn't have regular sex. After I came back with the lotion, she said: "So you have earned the porivilege of givinf me a massage." I was pleased, but also surpprised. She took me off balance and she noticed because she laughed and asked "What, you thought it was for you? Aww... poor boy!" I have her a massage with the lotion and then she turned around and slapped the bed. "Come here," she said, and of course, I complied.

MY THOUGHTS ON THIS (or what I think that I think)

I think my wife is beginning to show some initiative in making use of my disposition to serve her. I don't know if she's doing it only for me or she's really beginning to enjoy my submission. I hole it's the second one, so she gradually become more comfortable with her power over me. FOr now I think there are a few things I have to keep in mind if I want this to continue progressing:

• Continue my service to her, even when unasked. This way she'll see that I'm not going after a quick thrill, but the real thrill is serving her.
• Show her how pleased I am whenever she exerts a bit of dominance over me, even if it doesn't go according to my fantasies. Show her that I enjoy every bit of her control.
• Remind her how much I love her and how much I want to please her, every day.
• Act strong and masculine while expressing my attraction for her feminine charms. I think one thing that drives vanilla women away from submissive men is the perception that they are weak or effeminate. I am submissive, but not gay or effeminate (not that I have anything against gays or effeminate men, just that I am not one and don't think V would be interested in being married to one)
• Continue to put her pleasure first when it comes to sex. Or at least try, since sometimes it's a bit hard to contain myself when my excitement level is high. Recently I have been more successful at this that I used to be, though. I wish she would allow me to pleasure her orally, to make sure she enjoys first, but she has told me many times that she doesn't like oral sex.
• Make my best effort not to "take matters into my own hands", by doing things like pleasuring myself and punishing myself. These things undermine the power V can exersize over me and end up resulting in more guilt and frustration than the little pleasure I can derive from them.

WHAT COMES NEXT?
I don't know, but moving in the right direction, even if it's slow, has been a great joy. I wish that 2011 brings me closer and closer to my dream of serving V openly and with all my heart. For the very first time in many months I'm looking at it from a positive perspective. I'll continue to expand on the progress and hopefully avoid the oft-repeated screw up of falling back to the lazy, self-serving, uncooperative nature of the frustrated submissive.
What will come of this, I don't know, but I hope the wait is worth it.

She ask + I add = Conflict

This mornign I was not feeling too good, so i decided to call work and ask for a sick day off. My plan was to take some medicine, rest and then clean a little around the house, unasked.

When V got up she told me that the house was a mess (I knew that) and asked me if I could clean the kitchen. I smiled and told her I'd do it. Then she asked me if I would cook dinner also. She was a little tentative, as if she was not sure if i was going to say yes, which obviously i did.

After she was gone, I rested a little, as I intended to do. Then I got up and got to work.

I felt good because I was doing as she asked, but I think I needed a little more domination, because I made up some fantasy while I worked.

I knelt down for a while, imagining that it was V who had ordered me to, then I placed a small vibrator up my behind, put a pair of underpants on (I don't own panties, and V's are too small) and pulled them up, so they fit like a g-string to both stimulate and hold the vibrator in place. In addition to the underpants, I only used a white apron.

Needless to say, every time I bent over or reached, the vibrator was pushed in and I imagined it was V pushing it. I did all the dishes and then came to the bedroom to adjust the 'items' because they were falling out of place. Then I realized that the underpants were not strong enough to hold the vibrator in place for an extended period, so I tied two leather belts together and tied them from the crotch to the left shoulder. Now it was really tight, and I could feel the vibrator pushing my insides every time I reached up. I moped the floor that way, and it took quite a while, because I was enjoying the process.

After I finished, I felt guilty for enjoying so much and fantasized that V was not pleased with how much fun I was having and ordered to my knees again. This time I knelf in front of the mirror and took a third leather belt and belted myself good until my behind was hot and red.

This is not the first time I punish myself with a belt, but having another leather belt between my butt cheeks protected the anus and testicles from accidental impacts and that allowed me to hit to my heart's content. I don't even remember how many times I took the belt today, but I remember that at some point I started hitting as hard as I could and it kept hurting less and less. I guess that was because of the famous endorphins that people keep talking about, but I didn't feel any rush or dizziness or anything like that.

After I finished the punishment, I knelt, kissed the belt and thanked my imaginary mistress for taking the time to discipline me.

The girls were about to come back from school, so I cleaned the stuff, got dressed and watched some TV.

When V came home, we ate together and she asked me how my day had gone. I said that it had been great and she asked me if I wanted to be a stay at home dad.

I said that it would be lovely, but everyone took it as a joke, and I didn't want to clarify because the family was present. Of course, being a stay at home dad is not possible for me right now, because I make six-figures and my wife is back in college, but the idea is attractive.

Now, as I prepare to sleep, I have a conflict of feelings. On the one hand, my submissiveness was sated. I feel that I served V and that made the day good, but on the other hand, I feel that I cheated, because I played a scene by myself. It's funny how I can at the same time feel like V actually did the stuff I fantasized about, while at the same time I doubt she'll ever do anything like this, even if she accepted my submission to her.

I don't think what I did today is healthy. I remember when I was single and I became addicted to masturbation. It was a very hard time, as at the worst point, the addiction took most of my waking hours. I would even park the car on the side of the freeway so i could jerk off, because I had been driving for two hours. What ended up happening was that my hand became more attractive than my girlfriend, and I evenually broke up with her (the girlfriend, not the hand). It took me years to sober up from my addiction and I don't want to develop a new one, unless is to my wife.

I think that if I continue doing what I did today, there is teh possibility that I might separate my feelings of submission from the person my submission is directed to, and that would be disastrous. This is the main reason for me not to approach professional dommes. I have feelings of submission for V, and don't think that such feelings should be allowed to wander in any other direction. Right now, because my fantasy involved her and only her, I feel as if it's okay, but fantasy can be very powerful, especially when one lacks reality, so it is something I have to watch carefully.

And I'm not even going to talk about how my butt feels right now, both from the couple of hours of the vibrator and the violent encounter with the belt... All I will say is that I wish it had been V the one who caused it. Then there would be none of this conflict.

Almost told her?

After V came home last night, she went straight to bed. I was there, just having finished the posts I wrote yesterday. I was pleasantly surprised when she laid down and asked me to bring her chocolate pudding and put the girls to sleep.

After sendignthe girls to bed, I brought her the chocolate pudding and as she ate it, I took her socks off and gave her a foot rub with some lotion. While I did that, she pulled her laptop from gher bedside table and checked her email. I asked her if she liked it, she said yes. I kissed her feet several times, and when she told me that they stunk, I said that they smelled like cherry blossoms (that was the fragance of the lotion).

"Do you think I'm weird?" I asked after kissing her feet once more.

"Yes, honey, you are."

"Do you love me anyway?" I asked with a smile. I'm confident that she still loves me.

"Yes, baby, I love you."

After this, she signaled for me to get in bed with her and we had vanilla sex. I apologized in advance, because as soon as we started, I knew I was not going to last long. She spanked me once, which only made matters worse (better?).

"You owe me," she said when I finished and could not go no more. "You owe me big time."

"How can I make it up to you?"

"I don't know," she said. "But you owe me big time."

Now, if we were already in a FLR, I would be shaking in my proberbial boots if she said that. As it is, I know she won't do anything about it.

After that, I went to check if the girls had actually gone to bed (they hadn't). And when I returned, she asked me if I knew a particular story. At first I didn't remember it, but then she said a few things and I did remember the story. I told her I knew it and she asked me to tell it to her, because she's working on it at school and the version they have was a little strange.

The story deals with a king that sees a girls dance and filling himself with lust, offers her anything she wants, even up to half his kingdom. Of course, the girl asks for something the king doesn't want to give, but that is another story. The main point here is that after the girl asked, he felt compelled to give her what she asked for, and he did.

"That is the amazing power a woman can have over a man, " I told my wife. "I think that after seeing her dance, he had no hope. He was in her power."

"Yes," said my wife, yawning. "I think so."

"You know?" I asked, venturing a little into 'Fearland'. "That is the same power you have over me. I think I would totally give you half my kingdom if you asked for it... Heck, I think I already gave you half my kingdom!"

"Yes, you did," said V simply with a smile.

"I totally love doing what you ask me to," I said.

She smiled again and thanked me for the story.

I don't think she understood the magnitude of what I just told her, but it doesn't matter. THe idea is that I am 'coming out' a little and this may pave the way for bigger and better things. So, No, I didn't tell her, but I breached the subject and she didn't panic.

Let's see where I can bring this next time.

Same o' same o'

Nothing has changed.

I'm still in the same "I don't dare telling my wife how I feel about submitting to her" mood I have been for the recemt past.

This must be so boring to read about that I don't even care to write about it. However, I have been sexless for several days and feel more submissive than usual.

V is not home right now, and instead of taking the chance to serve her by cleaning the house and doing shores, I spent the time surfing submissive material on the web. Bad. I wish V would punish me, but I guess it will never happen.

We haven't had a fight for years now, which is a good thing.

Today, I was fantasizing about proposing an experiment to my wife. I thought about telling my wife that I wanted to experiment with orgasm control, because I read something about the energy and creativity that can be unleashed when diverting sexual energy to something else. I thought about it at work and for a while it seemed like it could work. I would tell her that in order for the experiment to work, I needed her to be the decider as to when I could have an orgasm, but don't tell me. I wanted to ask her to stop me after having her own orgasm and teling me that "it was not time yet". It sounded like something I could do, and I thought "wow! I can do this!" but then I came home and she was not here and now I'm not so sure and I think I'm pathetic and hate myself for being such a coward (and I better stop, because I'm beginning to sound like a teenaged girl)

In truth I don't hate myself. I just hate how I dare not opening up to my wife.

Who knows, maybe I'll dare propose a little experiment to her. I don't know how to get her to tease me and deny me, though, or to order me to provide her with acts of personal service. I'll have to think more about this, I guess, but the thinking is what kills my resolve. Sometimes I think that maybe I can write something and leave it where she "accidentally" finds it, but then I think it is not honest.

I wish she would catch me doing this blog and make me confess everything. Sometimes I feel like being rejected may be better than having this deep need hidden in uncertainty.

I'm probably not being very coherent right now, but I have been denied for 4 days (not in the nice way, but just because my wife is too busy and tired) and I'm horny as hell...

Too busy or not too busy...

V and I are moving to a new home and we have been extremely busy. Needless to say, for the most part her choices have been honored. True, she asks me and listens to my opinions, but it is ultimately her opinion that counts.

I like it that way. It somehow feeds my submissiveness, even though only a little.

It would be better if she would acknowledge her dominance, I know, but we are moving slowly there. today my wife made an interesting observation. She said that she has noticed that I love her more when I have a hard time at work.

I found it interesting that she noticed that the more hectic, erratic and hectic my work life is, the more I need to submit to the stability and steady hand of my wife. I told her that when life becomes unstable, a man needs the stability of his relationship to keep his balance and preserve his sanity. I wanted to say more, but the children were present. All I wanted was to scream that I needed her to guide me, to lead me with a firm but loving hand to whatever her whims desire.

I asked her if she needed anything from me and she told me that she wanted me to go to sleep to recover my energy so I could become my usual happy self.

If only I could tell her what would really bring the happy into the open...