Becoming vs. Discovering

In one recent comment, I pondered about a couple points. One of them was the question of whether Mistress V has to BECOME the dominant partner of our relationship or she just has to DISCOVER that she is in fact such a partner already. This distinction has to do, of course with a deeper philosophical question: How dominant does a person has to be to be THE dominant partner in a relationship?

Being that I have submissive feelings for V, she is already in control of much in our relationship. Where exactly does she start being dominant? I have been thinking about that issue recently and think that if we think in relative terms, she is already the dominant, because she has more control over our relationship than I do, but in absolute terms, the distribution of power in our partnership is less clear.

Thinking about that, and reading comments and postings on other blogs and sites, I've come to realize that what I have before me is not so much an issue of my wife BECOMING my dominant, but more an issue of her DISCOVERING the fact that she already is. This was a welcomed realization for me, because it means that I don't have to attempt to change a person who is already the most lovely woman I've ever met, but just help her realize the way things already are.

One things that has impacted my ability to achieve this in the past is that I frequently become too "needy" and probably express myself in submissive ways that she finds unattractive. Acting "needy" includes requesting her to do dominant things to me, and acting more submissive than she finds comfortable with. I've "discovered" (between quotations, because it's not my original concept, but one I learned applied to our case) that I get more "needy" when I am not constant in my submission to her. When I get tired of submitting, or frustrated because my efforts don't seem to provide benefit, I stop being submissive and at those points, my needs are not being satisfied (because of my own failure to stay on the route that satisfies them). When I am constant in my submissiveness, ironically, I act less submissive, which I guess Mistress V finds more alluring. The truth is that we say we want to have a Queen besides us, but many Queens don't particularly want the company of groveling slaves.

Seeing that it is easier to maintain an appropriate demeanor when I'm more constant in my service to Mistress, and that she only has to discover the position she occupies in our relationship, has made the task of communicating my feelings for her easier.

No, don't hold your breath yet. I didn't come out and told her straight.

But I did have a conversation with her.

She was extremely busy with something I can't help her with (preparing for a test) and I asked her if I could help. She said that I couldn't but thanks. I asked her if I could help her with something else, so she could do what she had to do and she said yes. I could help her by having sex with her. She said that I should "be clean" because she anted to give me oral sex.

Now, that is very unusual. I have been married for many years and this almost never happened before, not even during our honeymoon. Yes, she has given me oral sex many times, but this time she said she wanted to and asked me to clean myself.

Of course I said yes, and we had sex for as long as she wanted. She told me that I was very sweet by continuing to pleasure her even after I had already "finished" (her word) and I told her that I wanted to make sure she "finished" as well. She said "Oh, I did." and I asked her if she finished before or after me, (she is mild mannered and sometimes i can't detect it) and she smiled and said "Before and after".

The next day I was working on the computer and she came all over me, kissing me and rubbing herself against me. She touched the beginning of my erection and said "Oh, you are not teased enough" (Again, her words. I almost couldn't believe it) so she kissed me some more and played with my penis until it became hard.

"Now I'm teased" I said.

"Good," she said, moving away. "Now I can leave. I'll leave you like that because I'm evil"

She had to go out to take a class. I knew it, and she knew I knew it, but still took her time to tease me. I was so happy I could barely contain myself, but I did. I had to take advantage of the opportunity to express my feelings, though. I just had to remain cool and not too "needy"

"I love it when you tease me," I said with a smile. "Feel free to tease me any time you want."

She did not answer.

"You know you have power to do anything you want with me?" I asked.

"Yes," she said (wow!) "Women have power over men, but that's because women are evil... poor men."

"No, not any woman. I only want YOU have power over me."

At this point she was moving my head around as if I was a marionette. "So you want to be subject to it?"

"Of course," I said. "It's sexy."

She was not repulsed. She actually kissed me and left me there "properly teased"

I was amazed at how much had happened in the span of a few minutes. I had to go out also, to do some errand for her and to do something I needed to do as well, so I did not spend much time thinking of this, but she had given me much to think about.

"Wake me up in the morning," she said (this means "let's make love before you go" in her language) "I'll be too tired tonight."

I said I would, but when she came back she asked me to make love to her right then and there but be quick about it because she had to study. I made sure to do my best to comply.

"Do you still want me to wake you up in the morning?" I asked in the cuddling time afterwards.

"No," she said. "I'll be to tired then."

Nothing else has happened since, because I went to work, she went to work and I just came back. One thing seems sure, though. I feel much better than the last time I wrote here.

If this is a voyage of discovery rather than a transformational venture, I think success will not only be attainable, but it will happen much sooner than it would otherwise be.

Now, let me stop this thing, which is becoming too long already, and let me go find how Mistress V wants to be served today...

Still on the same boat...

As one commenter said before, my 'discreet campaign of hidden submission' is not giving the desired results. At least not to the extent I'd like to.

My feelings as a submissive husband continue to intensify, if that's possible, but my wife does not seem to grasp the idea that I want her to dominate me.

She has gotten the idea that I want her to be a little rough in bed, and expressed to me that the reason she doesn't do it is that she fears that I will be rough with her, and she likes sex 'soft and tender'. I told her that I'd be as soft and tender as she wanted, but that she did not have to worry about doing the same for me. She laughed and said "men are savages". Since then, she has been scratching, biting and spanking me during sex, which is a beautiful thing.

This goes to show that she is at least partially open to do the things that please me in bed, but she has a big thing about me not 'doing things because I want sex' and wants me to do things without her telling me. I've told her that I don't do things because I want sex, but that I want to please her. She seems happy with that explanation but I don't think she really believes it. I'm trying to show her that I want to serve her even when sex is out of the question, such as when she has her period and such, but I guess I'll have to be more consistent on that.

The other day I received an email from her at work where she thanked me for all the help I gave her the night before and she specifically mentioned that I did it 'without expecting any reward' so I guess she's noticing.

I still don't dare coming out clean and telling her that I am submissive.

Today, she said that she wants to give ME oral sex, and she also said that she wants me to do the dishes, but she made it very clear that she doesn't want me to establish any correlation between one and the other.

I love to receive oral sex, and knowing that she's getting a desire to do it, makes me hot. I'd also love to give her oral sex, but she doesn't like it. We used to do it before, so I guess it was not as good as I thought.

When I have not had sex in a while, my kinks come very near the surface and I begin to have fantasies about sex. For now, my strongest fantasies include being tied up, being spanked and being penetrated anally with a strapon. I don't have any fantasies that do not involve Mistress V, meaning that all these things are things I wish she would do for me, but I guess I'll have to wait, since I don't even dare to tell her of simpler things...

Sometimes I wish I could just tell her right up all that I feel, but the fear of losing her confidence, of her knowing that all this time I have been wishing for something else, makes it harder and harder. I know it will only get worse with time, so I better do something to ramp up and pave a way for this before it's too late.

I just have to figure out how.