I have not been acting very submissive as of late.
I keep wishing that V's dominance would grow, but the truth is that I am not doing much to actually turn the dream into reality. Lately I have been lazy and not very attentive.
My laziness has not been limited to my service to V, but to many other areas of my behavior. I have not completed several things I was suppossed to do around the house, and my performance at work is suffering as well. If I were to describe it, I'd say I have a severe case of "the Mondays", except that it's not Monday, and it happens evey day.
She has done a little bit in the arena of telling me to do things, like last Saturday, when she gave me a list of things to do. I felt a tingle when I saw the list and I completed every single activity. That night she thanked me, kissed me good night and I felt the satisfaction of having done my part in pleasing her. However that day was the exception rather than the rule. I've not been very helpful as of late and I think the progress I had achieved has been lost, at least in part.
I will try to get into gear again, because I still feel submissive, but I'm submissive and lazy right now, which is not a good combination in stealth submission.
I tremble in fear when thinking that perhaps the reason I feel so lazy is because I'm having too many orgasms. My wife has become a little more interested in sex as of late, something that may have ben caused by me helping her more around the house, and although it had been a desire of mine for years, having more sex may be effecting a change in my submissive feelings.
One of the common threads I've found in the literature available is that men are less submissive and less attentive right after they are sexually satisfied, so I think I may not be too far from reality on my thinking.
I had sex with V this morning, and yesterday morning, and the day before. Although we have always been sexually active, it's unusual to have sex consecutively, especially at a time when she is very busy in her personal life. As a matter of fact, V wanted to have sex last nigth, but arrived too tired and asked me to wake her up in the morning.
Her mentrual cycle is approaching and she will have to deny me for a few days. We'll see if I become less lazy when not being released.
For now, I'm thinking of ways to be asked do be of more service. She is definitely asking for more chores, like today when she left and asked me to cook and feed the kids, which I happily did, however, the dishes are dirty and the living room is a mess and I feel "too tired" to do anything. I better shape up or my relationship is going to go down the drain to the place it was before when V could not trust me to remember any promise (much less keep it) or be of any help. We are not there yet, but sliding down is much easier than climbing up, so I better watch it...
Now I need to go back and see that they are getting ready for bed.
Showing posts with label hidden submission. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hidden submission. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Saturday, February 13, 2010
A test? (part 1)
This Saturday morning, V is not home.
She left early and left me taking care of the girls.
She asked me to feed them, to which I said, "yes, ma'am." Then she smiled and asked me to clean the kitchen, and I replied exactly in the same way.
Then she started laughing and said "Really?"
After I repeated my consent she jokingly said "I also want you to fold the laundry."
"Okay," I said.
A very brief conversation, but an opportunity for me to show her how much I appreciate serving her. Because if my past (years' worth) failure to serve her, she does not believe that I will fold the laundry, she barely believes that I will clean the kitchen and will even call on her phone to verify that the girls have been fed.
My test today is to see how far I go in my desire to please her. It is both a test and an opportunity and I intent to keep up with it.
I will post a continuation to this post after the day is over, to go over the results of the "test" and my feelings about it. Now I want to go get started by feeding the girls before V calls.
I'm smiling ear to ear as I write this. We'll see if I'm smiling at the end of the day...
She left early and left me taking care of the girls.
She asked me to feed them, to which I said, "yes, ma'am." Then she smiled and asked me to clean the kitchen, and I replied exactly in the same way.
Then she started laughing and said "Really?"
After I repeated my consent she jokingly said "I also want you to fold the laundry."
"Okay," I said.
A very brief conversation, but an opportunity for me to show her how much I appreciate serving her. Because if my past (years' worth) failure to serve her, she does not believe that I will fold the laundry, she barely believes that I will clean the kitchen and will even call on her phone to verify that the girls have been fed.
My test today is to see how far I go in my desire to please her. It is both a test and an opportunity and I intent to keep up with it.
I will post a continuation to this post after the day is over, to go over the results of the "test" and my feelings about it. Now I want to go get started by feeding the girls before V calls.
I'm smiling ear to ear as I write this. We'll see if I'm smiling at the end of the day...
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Becoming vs. Discovering
In one recent comment, I pondered about a couple points. One of them was the question of whether Mistress V has to BECOME the dominant partner of our relationship or she just has to DISCOVER that she is in fact such a partner already. This distinction has to do, of course with a deeper philosophical question: How dominant does a person has to be to be THE dominant partner in a relationship?
Being that I have submissive feelings for V, she is already in control of much in our relationship. Where exactly does she start being dominant? I have been thinking about that issue recently and think that if we think in relative terms, she is already the dominant, because she has more control over our relationship than I do, but in absolute terms, the distribution of power in our partnership is less clear.
Thinking about that, and reading comments and postings on other blogs and sites, I've come to realize that what I have before me is not so much an issue of my wife BECOMING my dominant, but more an issue of her DISCOVERING the fact that she already is. This was a welcomed realization for me, because it means that I don't have to attempt to change a person who is already the most lovely woman I've ever met, but just help her realize the way things already are.
One things that has impacted my ability to achieve this in the past is that I frequently become too "needy" and probably express myself in submissive ways that she finds unattractive. Acting "needy" includes requesting her to do dominant things to me, and acting more submissive than she finds comfortable with. I've "discovered" (between quotations, because it's not my original concept, but one I learned applied to our case) that I get more "needy" when I am not constant in my submission to her. When I get tired of submitting, or frustrated because my efforts don't seem to provide benefit, I stop being submissive and at those points, my needs are not being satisfied (because of my own failure to stay on the route that satisfies them). When I am constant in my submissiveness, ironically, I act less submissive, which I guess Mistress V finds more alluring. The truth is that we say we want to have a Queen besides us, but many Queens don't particularly want the company of groveling slaves.
Seeing that it is easier to maintain an appropriate demeanor when I'm more constant in my service to Mistress, and that she only has to discover the position she occupies in our relationship, has made the task of communicating my feelings for her easier.
No, don't hold your breath yet. I didn't come out and told her straight.
But I did have a conversation with her.
She was extremely busy with something I can't help her with (preparing for a test) and I asked her if I could help. She said that I couldn't but thanks. I asked her if I could help her with something else, so she could do what she had to do and she said yes. I could help her by having sex with her. She said that I should "be clean" because she anted to give me oral sex.
Now, that is very unusual. I have been married for many years and this almost never happened before, not even during our honeymoon. Yes, she has given me oral sex many times, but this time she said she wanted to and asked me to clean myself.
Of course I said yes, and we had sex for as long as she wanted. She told me that I was very sweet by continuing to pleasure her even after I had already "finished" (her word) and I told her that I wanted to make sure she "finished" as well. She said "Oh, I did." and I asked her if she finished before or after me, (she is mild mannered and sometimes i can't detect it) and she smiled and said "Before and after".
The next day I was working on the computer and she came all over me, kissing me and rubbing herself against me. She touched the beginning of my erection and said "Oh, you are not teased enough" (Again, her words. I almost couldn't believe it) so she kissed me some more and played with my penis until it became hard.
"Now I'm teased" I said.
"Good," she said, moving away. "Now I can leave. I'll leave you like that because I'm evil"
She had to go out to take a class. I knew it, and she knew I knew it, but still took her time to tease me. I was so happy I could barely contain myself, but I did. I had to take advantage of the opportunity to express my feelings, though. I just had to remain cool and not too "needy"
"I love it when you tease me," I said with a smile. "Feel free to tease me any time you want."
She did not answer.
"You know you have power to do anything you want with me?" I asked.
"Yes," she said (wow!) "Women have power over men, but that's because women are evil... poor men."
"No, not any woman. I only want YOU have power over me."
At this point she was moving my head around as if I was a marionette. "So you want to be subject to it?"
"Of course," I said. "It's sexy."
She was not repulsed. She actually kissed me and left me there "properly teased"
I was amazed at how much had happened in the span of a few minutes. I had to go out also, to do some errand for her and to do something I needed to do as well, so I did not spend much time thinking of this, but she had given me much to think about.
"Wake me up in the morning," she said (this means "let's make love before you go" in her language) "I'll be too tired tonight."
I said I would, but when she came back she asked me to make love to her right then and there but be quick about it because she had to study. I made sure to do my best to comply.
"Do you still want me to wake you up in the morning?" I asked in the cuddling time afterwards.
"No," she said. "I'll be to tired then."
Nothing else has happened since, because I went to work, she went to work and I just came back. One thing seems sure, though. I feel much better than the last time I wrote here.
If this is a voyage of discovery rather than a transformational venture, I think success will not only be attainable, but it will happen much sooner than it would otherwise be.
Now, let me stop this thing, which is becoming too long already, and let me go find how Mistress V wants to be served today...
Being that I have submissive feelings for V, she is already in control of much in our relationship. Where exactly does she start being dominant? I have been thinking about that issue recently and think that if we think in relative terms, she is already the dominant, because she has more control over our relationship than I do, but in absolute terms, the distribution of power in our partnership is less clear.
Thinking about that, and reading comments and postings on other blogs and sites, I've come to realize that what I have before me is not so much an issue of my wife BECOMING my dominant, but more an issue of her DISCOVERING the fact that she already is. This was a welcomed realization for me, because it means that I don't have to attempt to change a person who is already the most lovely woman I've ever met, but just help her realize the way things already are.
One things that has impacted my ability to achieve this in the past is that I frequently become too "needy" and probably express myself in submissive ways that she finds unattractive. Acting "needy" includes requesting her to do dominant things to me, and acting more submissive than she finds comfortable with. I've "discovered" (between quotations, because it's not my original concept, but one I learned applied to our case) that I get more "needy" when I am not constant in my submission to her. When I get tired of submitting, or frustrated because my efforts don't seem to provide benefit, I stop being submissive and at those points, my needs are not being satisfied (because of my own failure to stay on the route that satisfies them). When I am constant in my submissiveness, ironically, I act less submissive, which I guess Mistress V finds more alluring. The truth is that we say we want to have a Queen besides us, but many Queens don't particularly want the company of groveling slaves.
Seeing that it is easier to maintain an appropriate demeanor when I'm more constant in my service to Mistress, and that she only has to discover the position she occupies in our relationship, has made the task of communicating my feelings for her easier.
No, don't hold your breath yet. I didn't come out and told her straight.
But I did have a conversation with her.
She was extremely busy with something I can't help her with (preparing for a test) and I asked her if I could help. She said that I couldn't but thanks. I asked her if I could help her with something else, so she could do what she had to do and she said yes. I could help her by having sex with her. She said that I should "be clean" because she anted to give me oral sex.
Now, that is very unusual. I have been married for many years and this almost never happened before, not even during our honeymoon. Yes, she has given me oral sex many times, but this time she said she wanted to and asked me to clean myself.
Of course I said yes, and we had sex for as long as she wanted. She told me that I was very sweet by continuing to pleasure her even after I had already "finished" (her word) and I told her that I wanted to make sure she "finished" as well. She said "Oh, I did." and I asked her if she finished before or after me, (she is mild mannered and sometimes i can't detect it) and she smiled and said "Before and after".
The next day I was working on the computer and she came all over me, kissing me and rubbing herself against me. She touched the beginning of my erection and said "Oh, you are not teased enough" (Again, her words. I almost couldn't believe it) so she kissed me some more and played with my penis until it became hard.
"Now I'm teased" I said.
"Good," she said, moving away. "Now I can leave. I'll leave you like that because I'm evil"
She had to go out to take a class. I knew it, and she knew I knew it, but still took her time to tease me. I was so happy I could barely contain myself, but I did. I had to take advantage of the opportunity to express my feelings, though. I just had to remain cool and not too "needy"
"I love it when you tease me," I said with a smile. "Feel free to tease me any time you want."
She did not answer.
"You know you have power to do anything you want with me?" I asked.
"Yes," she said (wow!) "Women have power over men, but that's because women are evil... poor men."
"No, not any woman. I only want YOU have power over me."
At this point she was moving my head around as if I was a marionette. "So you want to be subject to it?"
"Of course," I said. "It's sexy."
She was not repulsed. She actually kissed me and left me there "properly teased"
I was amazed at how much had happened in the span of a few minutes. I had to go out also, to do some errand for her and to do something I needed to do as well, so I did not spend much time thinking of this, but she had given me much to think about.
"Wake me up in the morning," she said (this means "let's make love before you go" in her language) "I'll be too tired tonight."
I said I would, but when she came back she asked me to make love to her right then and there but be quick about it because she had to study. I made sure to do my best to comply.
"Do you still want me to wake you up in the morning?" I asked in the cuddling time afterwards.
"No," she said. "I'll be to tired then."
Nothing else has happened since, because I went to work, she went to work and I just came back. One thing seems sure, though. I feel much better than the last time I wrote here.
If this is a voyage of discovery rather than a transformational venture, I think success will not only be attainable, but it will happen much sooner than it would otherwise be.
Now, let me stop this thing, which is becoming too long already, and let me go find how Mistress V wants to be served today...
Monday, February 8, 2010
Still on the same boat...
As one commenter said before, my 'discreet campaign of hidden submission' is not giving the desired results. At least not to the extent I'd like to.
My feelings as a submissive husband continue to intensify, if that's possible, but my wife does not seem to grasp the idea that I want her to dominate me.
She has gotten the idea that I want her to be a little rough in bed, and expressed to me that the reason she doesn't do it is that she fears that I will be rough with her, and she likes sex 'soft and tender'. I told her that I'd be as soft and tender as she wanted, but that she did not have to worry about doing the same for me. She laughed and said "men are savages". Since then, she has been scratching, biting and spanking me during sex, which is a beautiful thing.
This goes to show that she is at least partially open to do the things that please me in bed, but she has a big thing about me not 'doing things because I want sex' and wants me to do things without her telling me. I've told her that I don't do things because I want sex, but that I want to please her. She seems happy with that explanation but I don't think she really believes it. I'm trying to show her that I want to serve her even when sex is out of the question, such as when she has her period and such, but I guess I'll have to be more consistent on that.
The other day I received an email from her at work where she thanked me for all the help I gave her the night before and she specifically mentioned that I did it 'without expecting any reward' so I guess she's noticing.
I still don't dare coming out clean and telling her that I am submissive.
Today, she said that she wants to give ME oral sex, and she also said that she wants me to do the dishes, but she made it very clear that she doesn't want me to establish any correlation between one and the other.
I love to receive oral sex, and knowing that she's getting a desire to do it, makes me hot. I'd also love to give her oral sex, but she doesn't like it. We used to do it before, so I guess it was not as good as I thought.
When I have not had sex in a while, my kinks come very near the surface and I begin to have fantasies about sex. For now, my strongest fantasies include being tied up, being spanked and being penetrated anally with a strapon. I don't have any fantasies that do not involve Mistress V, meaning that all these things are things I wish she would do for me, but I guess I'll have to wait, since I don't even dare to tell her of simpler things...
Sometimes I wish I could just tell her right up all that I feel, but the fear of losing her confidence, of her knowing that all this time I have been wishing for something else, makes it harder and harder. I know it will only get worse with time, so I better do something to ramp up and pave a way for this before it's too late.
I just have to figure out how.
My feelings as a submissive husband continue to intensify, if that's possible, but my wife does not seem to grasp the idea that I want her to dominate me.
She has gotten the idea that I want her to be a little rough in bed, and expressed to me that the reason she doesn't do it is that she fears that I will be rough with her, and she likes sex 'soft and tender'. I told her that I'd be as soft and tender as she wanted, but that she did not have to worry about doing the same for me. She laughed and said "men are savages". Since then, she has been scratching, biting and spanking me during sex, which is a beautiful thing.
This goes to show that she is at least partially open to do the things that please me in bed, but she has a big thing about me not 'doing things because I want sex' and wants me to do things without her telling me. I've told her that I don't do things because I want sex, but that I want to please her. She seems happy with that explanation but I don't think she really believes it. I'm trying to show her that I want to serve her even when sex is out of the question, such as when she has her period and such, but I guess I'll have to be more consistent on that.
The other day I received an email from her at work where she thanked me for all the help I gave her the night before and she specifically mentioned that I did it 'without expecting any reward' so I guess she's noticing.
I still don't dare coming out clean and telling her that I am submissive.
Today, she said that she wants to give ME oral sex, and she also said that she wants me to do the dishes, but she made it very clear that she doesn't want me to establish any correlation between one and the other.
I love to receive oral sex, and knowing that she's getting a desire to do it, makes me hot. I'd also love to give her oral sex, but she doesn't like it. We used to do it before, so I guess it was not as good as I thought.
When I have not had sex in a while, my kinks come very near the surface and I begin to have fantasies about sex. For now, my strongest fantasies include being tied up, being spanked and being penetrated anally with a strapon. I don't have any fantasies that do not involve Mistress V, meaning that all these things are things I wish she would do for me, but I guess I'll have to wait, since I don't even dare to tell her of simpler things...
Sometimes I wish I could just tell her right up all that I feel, but the fear of losing her confidence, of her knowing that all this time I have been wishing for something else, makes it harder and harder. I know it will only get worse with time, so I better do something to ramp up and pave a way for this before it's too late.
I just have to figure out how.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Mistress V is too tired...
I was not a good submissive today.
When I arrived home from work, Mistress was cleaning the bathroom. I asked her what else she had to do, with all the intention of helping her, but I was so tired (excuse...) I did not help her and that cost me, because Mistress was way too tired to have intercourse with me.
I am upset, not at her, like I would have been a few months ago, but at myself for being so lazy. I really need to focus more on having adequate sleep so I can have energy to help her in her tasks. If I don't serve willingly, I can't expect to turn her dominance on.
So, I can say that today was a failed day.
I feel that my behavior deserves punishment. Yes, since Mistress V does not punish me, sometimes I self-punish. I discovered that doing it myself was not fully satisfying until I discovered, quite by accident a method that actually leaves me shaking, trembling and almost crying (making myself cry would be a sign of success for me, since I consider it almost impossible) . I will leave the details of my self-punishing method for a separate post, but today I can't really do anything, because there is no privacy in my house. Mistress V. is asleep in our bed and there are kids all over the house.
One reason I am not updet at Mistress V is that I am finally beginning to understand that it is totally my fault that she is not "in the mood", so I should take the consequence like a man. There is another reason, though. If I claim to be a submissive, and proclaim my willingness to have Mistress V control every aspect of my life, inclusing my sex life, I have to get used to the idea of not having sex any time I want, but every time SHE wants.
This realization may still be worth the day.
See you,
V's boy.
When I arrived home from work, Mistress was cleaning the bathroom. I asked her what else she had to do, with all the intention of helping her, but I was so tired (excuse...) I did not help her and that cost me, because Mistress was way too tired to have intercourse with me.
I am upset, not at her, like I would have been a few months ago, but at myself for being so lazy. I really need to focus more on having adequate sleep so I can have energy to help her in her tasks. If I don't serve willingly, I can't expect to turn her dominance on.
So, I can say that today was a failed day.
I feel that my behavior deserves punishment. Yes, since Mistress V does not punish me, sometimes I self-punish. I discovered that doing it myself was not fully satisfying until I discovered, quite by accident a method that actually leaves me shaking, trembling and almost crying (making myself cry would be a sign of success for me, since I consider it almost impossible) . I will leave the details of my self-punishing method for a separate post, but today I can't really do anything, because there is no privacy in my house. Mistress V. is asleep in our bed and there are kids all over the house.
One reason I am not updet at Mistress V is that I am finally beginning to understand that it is totally my fault that she is not "in the mood", so I should take the consequence like a man. There is another reason, though. If I claim to be a submissive, and proclaim my willingness to have Mistress V control every aspect of my life, inclusing my sex life, I have to get used to the idea of not having sex any time I want, but every time SHE wants.
This realization may still be worth the day.
See you,
V's boy.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Saturday of Servitude
NOTE: First posted June 28, 2009
Saturday was my day off, so I had more time in my hands and decided to step up a notch in my attempts to seduce Mistress V's dominance through my submissiveness. She was having her period, so I knew that she would not assume that I being nice because I "was trying to score".
Early in the morning, I went upstairs and fixed her a breakfast, which I brought beck and served to her in bed. During the day I did some shopping for her and went to pick up something that a friend wanted to give her. On my way back I brought her flowers. I did the dishes as well. It felt good to do these things for her.
There are two items of note, While she was on the table working on her laptop, I stood behind her and intended to give her a backrub, but she bend her head sideways and pointed to her neck. That is her signal for me to bite her right there (softly) which I immediately did. She moaned with pleasure and I told her that I loved when she let me know she was enjoying herself (she is very quiet during sex). I asked her if she wanted anything else and she pointed to the other side of her neck, so I proceeded to do the same. When I finished, I asked her again and she said "Your services are no longer required". I smiled and said, "thank you, my queen".
Later that night, when she was laying on bed (still working on her laptop) I sat by her feet and began to give her a foot massage. I wasnted so bad to lick and kiss her feet, but I retrained myself, because that may scare Mistress V, so I only gave her a massage and kissed her feet twice. While I was doing it, I asked V if I was bothering her and she said no.
After I was finished, I covered her feet with the blanket and stood up to go around to my side of the bed.
"Thank you," I said to her.
"No," she said with a smile. "Thank you."
"No, it was my pleasure," I insisted. "I get pleasure from pleasing you, do you believe it?"
"I guess I do," she said.
Then I pointed to my underpants, where my erection was bulging and she could clearly see that they were wet with my precum.
"Believe me," I insisted. "I get pleasure from giving you pleasure."
All in all I think it was a good day. It could have been better, but it was good.
This morning, I gave her breakfast in bed again, and was set up for another day of servitude, but I acted up in my weakness and stimulated myself to orgasm in the bathroom. I wish I was not so weak and could keep myself chaste for Mistress V.
A new Journey begins... Where to?
Note: This post was originally made in June 25, 2009
I guess this is my 'hello world' post, so allow me to introduce myself.
I am V's boy, a name that implies that I want to enter into a female-led relationship with my wife, who I will refer to as 'V' or 'Mistress V'. I live in a California suburb, have a good paying job with lots of authority, and in general show myself to the world as a leader.
In my private life, however, I've been holding a secret. I have strong feelings of submissiveness to a loving female authority. I have been reading books on the matter and searching the Internet for information, but most results turn out to be pornography, something that I find objectionable due to moral principle.
For the longest time I have lived with feelings of inadequacy, feeling that my submissive feelings were 'unmanly', immoral or deviant. It was not until early this year when I discovered Caring Domination from (website to follow) and learned that my feelings are not as exceptional as I thought. I also learned that my kinks have a cause, that my submission to a caring dominant could help me become a better person.
It was an incredibly liberating discovery.
The mere fact that I could aspire to have a loving female authority guide me and still be the man that I figure myself to be, gave me great joy.
I later learned more about the concepts I was interested about from a couple of websites, particularly Around her Finger (Website to follow).
At this point, I am not practicing the principles I have learned. The dream of submitting to my wife and enter into a wife-led marriage is being counterbalanced by fear.
I fear rejection from a very traditional wife, not only of the principles, but personal rejection as well. I don't think my wife would accept the concept if it was presented to her in the cold, so for a couple months now, I have been practicing "hidden submission".
Hidden submission is not fully satisfying for me because I crave for her authority and that requires her acknowledgment of the fact that she has power over me. I crave her control and her guidance, but that is not as forthcoming as I would like to see it. She has noticed that a couple of things have changed around here, such as we have not have an argument for a long time, I have not been whining for sex (something I apparently used to do all the time, even involuntarily) and I have been helping a little more around the house.
I have not taken a more active submissive role, even though I want to, mainly because I get discouraged easily by the lack of guidance, so this creates a vicious cycle, where I want to do things, but feel discouraged by lack of guidance, but since I am probably doing a little more than I used to do before, my wife doesn't feel that she needs to guide me, so she doesn't. My lack of enthusiasm then causes her to lack it as well.
I have made the decision to create this journal for several reasons:
I have seen many journals like this one and have seen how peer support can motivate one to keep going when the "road gets tough". I hope that the community will discover this journal and comment on it.
Make my thoughts clear. Sometimes I am not sure how to describe my feelings and putting them in writing could help me figure them out. Sometimes I don't even know if I am truly submissive or just going through a phase. I hope that this journal will help me figure that out.
To keep a record of my progress and have a realistic view of the status of my relationship. I think that writing overtime can help me "see the forest" while walking among "the trees". I think it would be interesting to look at this later, if I keep it going and see how the story unfolded.
One day, I wish to make V aware of the full extent of my feelings for her. That day, when I fearlessly submit all my being to her leadership, I hope I will dare to let her read these things. Let's say this could become my confession journal.
I think that I have written enough for an introduction. If you happen to stumble upon this journal by accident, feel free to leave comments and suggestions.
At this point, as the tittle of this post suggest, I don't know the destination of this journey, but I hope I can figure it out along the way.
V's boy
I guess this is my 'hello world' post, so allow me to introduce myself.
I am V's boy, a name that implies that I want to enter into a female-led relationship with my wife, who I will refer to as 'V' or 'Mistress V'. I live in a California suburb, have a good paying job with lots of authority, and in general show myself to the world as a leader.
In my private life, however, I've been holding a secret. I have strong feelings of submissiveness to a loving female authority. I have been reading books on the matter and searching the Internet for information, but most results turn out to be pornography, something that I find objectionable due to moral principle.
For the longest time I have lived with feelings of inadequacy, feeling that my submissive feelings were 'unmanly', immoral or deviant. It was not until early this year when I discovered Caring Domination from (website to follow) and learned that my feelings are not as exceptional as I thought. I also learned that my kinks have a cause, that my submission to a caring dominant could help me become a better person.
It was an incredibly liberating discovery.
The mere fact that I could aspire to have a loving female authority guide me and still be the man that I figure myself to be, gave me great joy.
I later learned more about the concepts I was interested about from a couple of websites, particularly Around her Finger (Website to follow).
At this point, I am not practicing the principles I have learned. The dream of submitting to my wife and enter into a wife-led marriage is being counterbalanced by fear.
I fear rejection from a very traditional wife, not only of the principles, but personal rejection as well. I don't think my wife would accept the concept if it was presented to her in the cold, so for a couple months now, I have been practicing "hidden submission".
Hidden submission is not fully satisfying for me because I crave for her authority and that requires her acknowledgment of the fact that she has power over me. I crave her control and her guidance, but that is not as forthcoming as I would like to see it. She has noticed that a couple of things have changed around here, such as we have not have an argument for a long time, I have not been whining for sex (something I apparently used to do all the time, even involuntarily) and I have been helping a little more around the house.
I have not taken a more active submissive role, even though I want to, mainly because I get discouraged easily by the lack of guidance, so this creates a vicious cycle, where I want to do things, but feel discouraged by lack of guidance, but since I am probably doing a little more than I used to do before, my wife doesn't feel that she needs to guide me, so she doesn't. My lack of enthusiasm then causes her to lack it as well.
I have made the decision to create this journal for several reasons:
I have seen many journals like this one and have seen how peer support can motivate one to keep going when the "road gets tough". I hope that the community will discover this journal and comment on it.
Make my thoughts clear. Sometimes I am not sure how to describe my feelings and putting them in writing could help me figure them out. Sometimes I don't even know if I am truly submissive or just going through a phase. I hope that this journal will help me figure that out.
To keep a record of my progress and have a realistic view of the status of my relationship. I think that writing overtime can help me "see the forest" while walking among "the trees". I think it would be interesting to look at this later, if I keep it going and see how the story unfolded.
One day, I wish to make V aware of the full extent of my feelings for her. That day, when I fearlessly submit all my being to her leadership, I hope I will dare to let her read these things. Let's say this could become my confession journal.
I think that I have written enough for an introduction. If you happen to stumble upon this journal by accident, feel free to leave comments and suggestions.
At this point, as the tittle of this post suggest, I don't know the destination of this journey, but I hope I can figure it out along the way.
V's boy
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