I have not been acting very submissive as of late.
I keep wishing that V's dominance would grow, but the truth is that I am not doing much to actually turn the dream into reality. Lately I have been lazy and not very attentive.
My laziness has not been limited to my service to V, but to many other areas of my behavior. I have not completed several things I was suppossed to do around the house, and my performance at work is suffering as well. If I were to describe it, I'd say I have a severe case of "the Mondays", except that it's not Monday, and it happens evey day.
She has done a little bit in the arena of telling me to do things, like last Saturday, when she gave me a list of things to do. I felt a tingle when I saw the list and I completed every single activity. That night she thanked me, kissed me good night and I felt the satisfaction of having done my part in pleasing her. However that day was the exception rather than the rule. I've not been very helpful as of late and I think the progress I had achieved has been lost, at least in part.
I will try to get into gear again, because I still feel submissive, but I'm submissive and lazy right now, which is not a good combination in stealth submission.
I tremble in fear when thinking that perhaps the reason I feel so lazy is because I'm having too many orgasms. My wife has become a little more interested in sex as of late, something that may have ben caused by me helping her more around the house, and although it had been a desire of mine for years, having more sex may be effecting a change in my submissive feelings.
One of the common threads I've found in the literature available is that men are less submissive and less attentive right after they are sexually satisfied, so I think I may not be too far from reality on my thinking.
I had sex with V this morning, and yesterday morning, and the day before. Although we have always been sexually active, it's unusual to have sex consecutively, especially at a time when she is very busy in her personal life. As a matter of fact, V wanted to have sex last nigth, but arrived too tired and asked me to wake her up in the morning.
Her mentrual cycle is approaching and she will have to deny me for a few days. We'll see if I become less lazy when not being released.
For now, I'm thinking of ways to be asked do be of more service. She is definitely asking for more chores, like today when she left and asked me to cook and feed the kids, which I happily did, however, the dishes are dirty and the living room is a mess and I feel "too tired" to do anything. I better shape up or my relationship is going to go down the drain to the place it was before when V could not trust me to remember any promise (much less keep it) or be of any help. We are not there yet, but sliding down is much easier than climbing up, so I better watch it...
Now I need to go back and see that they are getting ready for bed.
Showing posts with label Mistress V. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mistress V. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Pain, or the idea of pain?
I was reading in some of the literature related to male submission recently that some men think they are attracted to pain when in reality they are attracted to the IDEA of pain.
Recently, after one time when I told V that she did not have to be gentle with me, she has begun to scratch, bite and spank when having sex. She has also started to twist my nipples. The spanking is not too effective because the position doesn't allow for too much strength, but yesterday, she spanked me hard a couple times while i kissed her toes, and she asked me if i felt it "deep enough". I said that I loved it and she said I was crazy.
Her bites have been painful and she has marked my chest several times, and that actually excites me. The twisting of the nipples has not been that painful, but perhaps it's because she only does it when I am almost to the point of no return. I have cummed several times while she twisted my nipples and i can't tell how hard she's doing it.
The scratching, however, is another story.
Several times her nails have made me wonder if I really want her to give me pain. I have hesitated, because she has gone farther than I thought she would. I had almost screamed in pain, but have resisted, because at the same time I don't want her to stop doing what she's doing. This has brought the concept of the IDEA of pain to the forefront of my mind.
Do I really want her to punish me in painful ways, or do I just want her to play at it?
This is a question I don't have an answer at the moment. I will have to ponder on it and explore a little bit. For now, V has only been playing, and only when having sex, but I'm already having my doubts. Am I going to chicken out?
There are two things I know:
1) I'm going to resist as much as possible any pain that she deems appropriate to inflict upon me, because even if it scares me a little, it's exciting and drives our relationship in the direction I desire.
2) Being that V is a tender, loving wife, if I tell her that she's hurting me, she's going to stop and treat me delicately. For now I want her to gain confidence in what she's doing, before I complain about it.
Today was a pretty much vanilla day. V was busy with school things, so I did a couple things she asked me to do. She also told me that she wants me to take two weeks off from work in August so I can babysit while she goes to a seminar. After I said yes, she said that actually she has plans for me for those two weeks, and then she explained and asked if I'd do it. I said yes and asked her to get the dates of the seminar as soon as possible so I can secure the vacation.
She didn't command me to do it, although I thought she was going to, bu the tone when she told me to take vacation. I think she was not sure if she could "get away" with having me babysit for two weeks and also do the other stuff around the house and that lowered her tone.
The other thing submission-related was that she was in bed and found my glasses. Then she told me that I like her feet so much that even if I'm not there, my glasses still stay at her feet. I was busy and distracted and didn't take advantage of the situation. In retrospective, I could have taken a little time to go "get the glasses" and kiss her feet a little more, like I did yesterday.
Oh, well. I'm sure that other opportunities will present themselves.
For now, I am left to wonder about pain.
Recently, after one time when I told V that she did not have to be gentle with me, she has begun to scratch, bite and spank when having sex. She has also started to twist my nipples. The spanking is not too effective because the position doesn't allow for too much strength, but yesterday, she spanked me hard a couple times while i kissed her toes, and she asked me if i felt it "deep enough". I said that I loved it and she said I was crazy.
Her bites have been painful and she has marked my chest several times, and that actually excites me. The twisting of the nipples has not been that painful, but perhaps it's because she only does it when I am almost to the point of no return. I have cummed several times while she twisted my nipples and i can't tell how hard she's doing it.
The scratching, however, is another story.
Several times her nails have made me wonder if I really want her to give me pain. I have hesitated, because she has gone farther than I thought she would. I had almost screamed in pain, but have resisted, because at the same time I don't want her to stop doing what she's doing. This has brought the concept of the IDEA of pain to the forefront of my mind.
Do I really want her to punish me in painful ways, or do I just want her to play at it?
This is a question I don't have an answer at the moment. I will have to ponder on it and explore a little bit. For now, V has only been playing, and only when having sex, but I'm already having my doubts. Am I going to chicken out?
There are two things I know:
1) I'm going to resist as much as possible any pain that she deems appropriate to inflict upon me, because even if it scares me a little, it's exciting and drives our relationship in the direction I desire.
2) Being that V is a tender, loving wife, if I tell her that she's hurting me, she's going to stop and treat me delicately. For now I want her to gain confidence in what she's doing, before I complain about it.
Today was a pretty much vanilla day. V was busy with school things, so I did a couple things she asked me to do. She also told me that she wants me to take two weeks off from work in August so I can babysit while she goes to a seminar. After I said yes, she said that actually she has plans for me for those two weeks, and then she explained and asked if I'd do it. I said yes and asked her to get the dates of the seminar as soon as possible so I can secure the vacation.
She didn't command me to do it, although I thought she was going to, bu the tone when she told me to take vacation. I think she was not sure if she could "get away" with having me babysit for two weeks and also do the other stuff around the house and that lowered her tone.
The other thing submission-related was that she was in bed and found my glasses. Then she told me that I like her feet so much that even if I'm not there, my glasses still stay at her feet. I was busy and distracted and didn't take advantage of the situation. In retrospective, I could have taken a little time to go "get the glasses" and kiss her feet a little more, like I did yesterday.
Oh, well. I'm sure that other opportunities will present themselves.
For now, I am left to wonder about pain.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
A test? (part 1)
This Saturday morning, V is not home.
She left early and left me taking care of the girls.
She asked me to feed them, to which I said, "yes, ma'am." Then she smiled and asked me to clean the kitchen, and I replied exactly in the same way.
Then she started laughing and said "Really?"
After I repeated my consent she jokingly said "I also want you to fold the laundry."
"Okay," I said.
A very brief conversation, but an opportunity for me to show her how much I appreciate serving her. Because if my past (years' worth) failure to serve her, she does not believe that I will fold the laundry, she barely believes that I will clean the kitchen and will even call on her phone to verify that the girls have been fed.
My test today is to see how far I go in my desire to please her. It is both a test and an opportunity and I intent to keep up with it.
I will post a continuation to this post after the day is over, to go over the results of the "test" and my feelings about it. Now I want to go get started by feeding the girls before V calls.
I'm smiling ear to ear as I write this. We'll see if I'm smiling at the end of the day...
She left early and left me taking care of the girls.
She asked me to feed them, to which I said, "yes, ma'am." Then she smiled and asked me to clean the kitchen, and I replied exactly in the same way.
Then she started laughing and said "Really?"
After I repeated my consent she jokingly said "I also want you to fold the laundry."
"Okay," I said.
A very brief conversation, but an opportunity for me to show her how much I appreciate serving her. Because if my past (years' worth) failure to serve her, she does not believe that I will fold the laundry, she barely believes that I will clean the kitchen and will even call on her phone to verify that the girls have been fed.
My test today is to see how far I go in my desire to please her. It is both a test and an opportunity and I intent to keep up with it.
I will post a continuation to this post after the day is over, to go over the results of the "test" and my feelings about it. Now I want to go get started by feeding the girls before V calls.
I'm smiling ear to ear as I write this. We'll see if I'm smiling at the end of the day...
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Becoming vs. Discovering
In one recent comment, I pondered about a couple points. One of them was the question of whether Mistress V has to BECOME the dominant partner of our relationship or she just has to DISCOVER that she is in fact such a partner already. This distinction has to do, of course with a deeper philosophical question: How dominant does a person has to be to be THE dominant partner in a relationship?
Being that I have submissive feelings for V, she is already in control of much in our relationship. Where exactly does she start being dominant? I have been thinking about that issue recently and think that if we think in relative terms, she is already the dominant, because she has more control over our relationship than I do, but in absolute terms, the distribution of power in our partnership is less clear.
Thinking about that, and reading comments and postings on other blogs and sites, I've come to realize that what I have before me is not so much an issue of my wife BECOMING my dominant, but more an issue of her DISCOVERING the fact that she already is. This was a welcomed realization for me, because it means that I don't have to attempt to change a person who is already the most lovely woman I've ever met, but just help her realize the way things already are.
One things that has impacted my ability to achieve this in the past is that I frequently become too "needy" and probably express myself in submissive ways that she finds unattractive. Acting "needy" includes requesting her to do dominant things to me, and acting more submissive than she finds comfortable with. I've "discovered" (between quotations, because it's not my original concept, but one I learned applied to our case) that I get more "needy" when I am not constant in my submission to her. When I get tired of submitting, or frustrated because my efforts don't seem to provide benefit, I stop being submissive and at those points, my needs are not being satisfied (because of my own failure to stay on the route that satisfies them). When I am constant in my submissiveness, ironically, I act less submissive, which I guess Mistress V finds more alluring. The truth is that we say we want to have a Queen besides us, but many Queens don't particularly want the company of groveling slaves.
Seeing that it is easier to maintain an appropriate demeanor when I'm more constant in my service to Mistress, and that she only has to discover the position she occupies in our relationship, has made the task of communicating my feelings for her easier.
No, don't hold your breath yet. I didn't come out and told her straight.
But I did have a conversation with her.
She was extremely busy with something I can't help her with (preparing for a test) and I asked her if I could help. She said that I couldn't but thanks. I asked her if I could help her with something else, so she could do what she had to do and she said yes. I could help her by having sex with her. She said that I should "be clean" because she anted to give me oral sex.
Now, that is very unusual. I have been married for many years and this almost never happened before, not even during our honeymoon. Yes, she has given me oral sex many times, but this time she said she wanted to and asked me to clean myself.
Of course I said yes, and we had sex for as long as she wanted. She told me that I was very sweet by continuing to pleasure her even after I had already "finished" (her word) and I told her that I wanted to make sure she "finished" as well. She said "Oh, I did." and I asked her if she finished before or after me, (she is mild mannered and sometimes i can't detect it) and she smiled and said "Before and after".
The next day I was working on the computer and she came all over me, kissing me and rubbing herself against me. She touched the beginning of my erection and said "Oh, you are not teased enough" (Again, her words. I almost couldn't believe it) so she kissed me some more and played with my penis until it became hard.
"Now I'm teased" I said.
"Good," she said, moving away. "Now I can leave. I'll leave you like that because I'm evil"
She had to go out to take a class. I knew it, and she knew I knew it, but still took her time to tease me. I was so happy I could barely contain myself, but I did. I had to take advantage of the opportunity to express my feelings, though. I just had to remain cool and not too "needy"
"I love it when you tease me," I said with a smile. "Feel free to tease me any time you want."
She did not answer.
"You know you have power to do anything you want with me?" I asked.
"Yes," she said (wow!) "Women have power over men, but that's because women are evil... poor men."
"No, not any woman. I only want YOU have power over me."
At this point she was moving my head around as if I was a marionette. "So you want to be subject to it?"
"Of course," I said. "It's sexy."
She was not repulsed. She actually kissed me and left me there "properly teased"
I was amazed at how much had happened in the span of a few minutes. I had to go out also, to do some errand for her and to do something I needed to do as well, so I did not spend much time thinking of this, but she had given me much to think about.
"Wake me up in the morning," she said (this means "let's make love before you go" in her language) "I'll be too tired tonight."
I said I would, but when she came back she asked me to make love to her right then and there but be quick about it because she had to study. I made sure to do my best to comply.
"Do you still want me to wake you up in the morning?" I asked in the cuddling time afterwards.
"No," she said. "I'll be to tired then."
Nothing else has happened since, because I went to work, she went to work and I just came back. One thing seems sure, though. I feel much better than the last time I wrote here.
If this is a voyage of discovery rather than a transformational venture, I think success will not only be attainable, but it will happen much sooner than it would otherwise be.
Now, let me stop this thing, which is becoming too long already, and let me go find how Mistress V wants to be served today...
Being that I have submissive feelings for V, she is already in control of much in our relationship. Where exactly does she start being dominant? I have been thinking about that issue recently and think that if we think in relative terms, she is already the dominant, because she has more control over our relationship than I do, but in absolute terms, the distribution of power in our partnership is less clear.
Thinking about that, and reading comments and postings on other blogs and sites, I've come to realize that what I have before me is not so much an issue of my wife BECOMING my dominant, but more an issue of her DISCOVERING the fact that she already is. This was a welcomed realization for me, because it means that I don't have to attempt to change a person who is already the most lovely woman I've ever met, but just help her realize the way things already are.
One things that has impacted my ability to achieve this in the past is that I frequently become too "needy" and probably express myself in submissive ways that she finds unattractive. Acting "needy" includes requesting her to do dominant things to me, and acting more submissive than she finds comfortable with. I've "discovered" (between quotations, because it's not my original concept, but one I learned applied to our case) that I get more "needy" when I am not constant in my submission to her. When I get tired of submitting, or frustrated because my efforts don't seem to provide benefit, I stop being submissive and at those points, my needs are not being satisfied (because of my own failure to stay on the route that satisfies them). When I am constant in my submissiveness, ironically, I act less submissive, which I guess Mistress V finds more alluring. The truth is that we say we want to have a Queen besides us, but many Queens don't particularly want the company of groveling slaves.
Seeing that it is easier to maintain an appropriate demeanor when I'm more constant in my service to Mistress, and that she only has to discover the position she occupies in our relationship, has made the task of communicating my feelings for her easier.
No, don't hold your breath yet. I didn't come out and told her straight.
But I did have a conversation with her.
She was extremely busy with something I can't help her with (preparing for a test) and I asked her if I could help. She said that I couldn't but thanks. I asked her if I could help her with something else, so she could do what she had to do and she said yes. I could help her by having sex with her. She said that I should "be clean" because she anted to give me oral sex.
Now, that is very unusual. I have been married for many years and this almost never happened before, not even during our honeymoon. Yes, she has given me oral sex many times, but this time she said she wanted to and asked me to clean myself.
Of course I said yes, and we had sex for as long as she wanted. She told me that I was very sweet by continuing to pleasure her even after I had already "finished" (her word) and I told her that I wanted to make sure she "finished" as well. She said "Oh, I did." and I asked her if she finished before or after me, (she is mild mannered and sometimes i can't detect it) and she smiled and said "Before and after".
The next day I was working on the computer and she came all over me, kissing me and rubbing herself against me. She touched the beginning of my erection and said "Oh, you are not teased enough" (Again, her words. I almost couldn't believe it) so she kissed me some more and played with my penis until it became hard.
"Now I'm teased" I said.
"Good," she said, moving away. "Now I can leave. I'll leave you like that because I'm evil"
She had to go out to take a class. I knew it, and she knew I knew it, but still took her time to tease me. I was so happy I could barely contain myself, but I did. I had to take advantage of the opportunity to express my feelings, though. I just had to remain cool and not too "needy"
"I love it when you tease me," I said with a smile. "Feel free to tease me any time you want."
She did not answer.
"You know you have power to do anything you want with me?" I asked.
"Yes," she said (wow!) "Women have power over men, but that's because women are evil... poor men."
"No, not any woman. I only want YOU have power over me."
At this point she was moving my head around as if I was a marionette. "So you want to be subject to it?"
"Of course," I said. "It's sexy."
She was not repulsed. She actually kissed me and left me there "properly teased"
I was amazed at how much had happened in the span of a few minutes. I had to go out also, to do some errand for her and to do something I needed to do as well, so I did not spend much time thinking of this, but she had given me much to think about.
"Wake me up in the morning," she said (this means "let's make love before you go" in her language) "I'll be too tired tonight."
I said I would, but when she came back she asked me to make love to her right then and there but be quick about it because she had to study. I made sure to do my best to comply.
"Do you still want me to wake you up in the morning?" I asked in the cuddling time afterwards.
"No," she said. "I'll be to tired then."
Nothing else has happened since, because I went to work, she went to work and I just came back. One thing seems sure, though. I feel much better than the last time I wrote here.
If this is a voyage of discovery rather than a transformational venture, I think success will not only be attainable, but it will happen much sooner than it would otherwise be.
Now, let me stop this thing, which is becoming too long already, and let me go find how Mistress V wants to be served today...
Monday, February 8, 2010
Still on the same boat...
As one commenter said before, my 'discreet campaign of hidden submission' is not giving the desired results. At least not to the extent I'd like to.
My feelings as a submissive husband continue to intensify, if that's possible, but my wife does not seem to grasp the idea that I want her to dominate me.
She has gotten the idea that I want her to be a little rough in bed, and expressed to me that the reason she doesn't do it is that she fears that I will be rough with her, and she likes sex 'soft and tender'. I told her that I'd be as soft and tender as she wanted, but that she did not have to worry about doing the same for me. She laughed and said "men are savages". Since then, she has been scratching, biting and spanking me during sex, which is a beautiful thing.
This goes to show that she is at least partially open to do the things that please me in bed, but she has a big thing about me not 'doing things because I want sex' and wants me to do things without her telling me. I've told her that I don't do things because I want sex, but that I want to please her. She seems happy with that explanation but I don't think she really believes it. I'm trying to show her that I want to serve her even when sex is out of the question, such as when she has her period and such, but I guess I'll have to be more consistent on that.
The other day I received an email from her at work where she thanked me for all the help I gave her the night before and she specifically mentioned that I did it 'without expecting any reward' so I guess she's noticing.
I still don't dare coming out clean and telling her that I am submissive.
Today, she said that she wants to give ME oral sex, and she also said that she wants me to do the dishes, but she made it very clear that she doesn't want me to establish any correlation between one and the other.
I love to receive oral sex, and knowing that she's getting a desire to do it, makes me hot. I'd also love to give her oral sex, but she doesn't like it. We used to do it before, so I guess it was not as good as I thought.
When I have not had sex in a while, my kinks come very near the surface and I begin to have fantasies about sex. For now, my strongest fantasies include being tied up, being spanked and being penetrated anally with a strapon. I don't have any fantasies that do not involve Mistress V, meaning that all these things are things I wish she would do for me, but I guess I'll have to wait, since I don't even dare to tell her of simpler things...
Sometimes I wish I could just tell her right up all that I feel, but the fear of losing her confidence, of her knowing that all this time I have been wishing for something else, makes it harder and harder. I know it will only get worse with time, so I better do something to ramp up and pave a way for this before it's too late.
I just have to figure out how.
My feelings as a submissive husband continue to intensify, if that's possible, but my wife does not seem to grasp the idea that I want her to dominate me.
She has gotten the idea that I want her to be a little rough in bed, and expressed to me that the reason she doesn't do it is that she fears that I will be rough with her, and she likes sex 'soft and tender'. I told her that I'd be as soft and tender as she wanted, but that she did not have to worry about doing the same for me. She laughed and said "men are savages". Since then, she has been scratching, biting and spanking me during sex, which is a beautiful thing.
This goes to show that she is at least partially open to do the things that please me in bed, but she has a big thing about me not 'doing things because I want sex' and wants me to do things without her telling me. I've told her that I don't do things because I want sex, but that I want to please her. She seems happy with that explanation but I don't think she really believes it. I'm trying to show her that I want to serve her even when sex is out of the question, such as when she has her period and such, but I guess I'll have to be more consistent on that.
The other day I received an email from her at work where she thanked me for all the help I gave her the night before and she specifically mentioned that I did it 'without expecting any reward' so I guess she's noticing.
I still don't dare coming out clean and telling her that I am submissive.
Today, she said that she wants to give ME oral sex, and she also said that she wants me to do the dishes, but she made it very clear that she doesn't want me to establish any correlation between one and the other.
I love to receive oral sex, and knowing that she's getting a desire to do it, makes me hot. I'd also love to give her oral sex, but she doesn't like it. We used to do it before, so I guess it was not as good as I thought.
When I have not had sex in a while, my kinks come very near the surface and I begin to have fantasies about sex. For now, my strongest fantasies include being tied up, being spanked and being penetrated anally with a strapon. I don't have any fantasies that do not involve Mistress V, meaning that all these things are things I wish she would do for me, but I guess I'll have to wait, since I don't even dare to tell her of simpler things...
Sometimes I wish I could just tell her right up all that I feel, but the fear of losing her confidence, of her knowing that all this time I have been wishing for something else, makes it harder and harder. I know it will only get worse with time, so I better do something to ramp up and pave a way for this before it's too late.
I just have to figure out how.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Anniversary
It was our wedding anniversary this week.
I took my Mistress to a nice restaurant. she was very happy with the place. It was the most romantic dinner we have ever had.
After dinner, we were going to the movies, but Mistress said she was tired and wanted to go back to the house, unless I "really wanted to go to the movies". Of course I told her that we'd go home as she wished.
At home we cuddled to a movie. We had sex earlier in the day, so it was not an expectation at this time.
When we had sex, she pulled a head massager and used it on me. The head massager makes my body tingle with pleasure as she uses it on my head and she calls it "torture" so I feel submissive as she uses it on me. She also loves it when I use it on her, so I also did. It is an amazing little toy and it's very powerful, especially is you consider that it costs so little. You can get it from Amazon for a little over $10.00, but a friend bought one for me from a store called Bed Bath & Beyond for only $3.99 and it's the same exact model. (Amazon has others). If the picture is not visible, just know that it is not an electric "toy" but a wire thing that looks like an egg beater that has been cut open at the ends (and those ends dipped in plastic to eliminate their sharp edges)
I don't know when my Mistress will offer or ask for "torture" again, but it now has a privileged spot by our bed side table.
If only I could muster the strength to serve my Mistress better...
By the way, this very night I was denied sex by her, not in a very dominant way, but not in an apologetic tone either. She simply said "I am going to sleep now, honey" and I accepted it as her will, even though I want her bad. She usually tells me that I can "take her" in the morning, but that is usually a short endeavor with ehr being basically passive, so I don't really favor it unless I'm very horny. Also, during the week, I don't really have much time or energy in the early mornings.
I may or may not "take her" tomorrow morning.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
On self spanking...
As I said on a previous post, I have desires for physical punishment. Contrary to my desires for submission, that I try to gradually open up to my Mistress, my desires for punishment are much more delicate, since I think that Mistress is not going to see that with good eyes. Over the years, I have tried to punish myself in different ways, but the punishment never reached a satisfying end. This all changed this year.
I was searching the Internet for information on self-punishing and my search result pointed to a blog where someone mentioned pre-recorded instructions for self punishment. Sadly, when I clicked on the link, the blog had been taken offline and that particular post was not in the cached version, so I only had the tittle and nothing else.
I gave the issue some thought. How would it be if I could write a script for a punishment session and then play it back on my MP3 player as I followed the instructions? At first, I thought it would not work, but one day, while on a work related trip away from Mistress V, I decided to try it.
My reasons for suddenly wanting to try a recording are complex, but in their most simplistic expression they can be reduced to this:
1) I was horny as hell because I was away from Mistress.
2) I did not want to be "unfaithful" to mistress by masturbating (as a submissive, it gives me great pain to be so weak as to not be able to control myself for her)
3) I was about to fail her as I started to play with myself in my hotel room.
4) I felt that only a punishment would take my mind away from "consummating" my failure.
5) I had tried many different ways of self-punishment and they always ended in masturbation anyway...
So, armed with a deep desire for punishment and a deep horniness, I grabbed a paper and began to write a script. The script had instructions for me to follow, things for me to repeat and counts for the number of strokes I was to give myself. After writing what I considered was a lengthy "scene" I laid down and recorded everything on my MP3 player.
I tried the scene out and for the first time in my whole life I was able to punish myself to the point where I would feel it the next day. The session, it turned out was not long at all, so the next day, even though my buttocks were still sore, I wrote a new, shorter script that did not have an end (to be played continuously) and another one with the ending. At the end of the first track I ask a few questions about my submissive desires and about wanting to remain chaste to Mistress V. If I can honestly answer them to the positive, I press next and go to the last track, where I plant suggestions about how to be a better husband and a better submissive. If I am not "ready", meaning I still want to masturbate or watch porn or something, I have to let the player repeat the track one more time.
The first time I used the three-track version (the original plays first, because it has an introduction of sorts) I used the second track two or three times and by the end of it, I was shaking with pleasure, my ass was red and hot and I had absolutely no desire to play with myself any longer. For the rest of my trip (it was relatively long) I did not masturbate once, and ever since I came back I have only done it twice, which is a great deal, considering that once upon a time I was doing it every day and some days more than once.
My feelings of submissiveness for Mistress V increased during that time and I was so sure I would come home to be a better husband, but of course, even the best laid plans cannot survive an encounter with reality. When I am home, and can't punish myself to my deepest satisfaction, I end up getting moody and lazy. I believe I need the control I crave. I think that when Mistress V becomes the caring Dominant of my dreams, I will not have need to try to balance my own life with substitutes, but for now, I believe that I have found in self punishment an alternative to avoid the feelings of guilt associated with masturbation while at the same time preserving all my sexual energy to please my Mistress, which is after all, my ultimate goal as a submissive.
Today, I feel like I should get some punishment, but everyone is home, so it's not going to happen. Additionally, Mistress already told me that if I want her I should "take her" before she becomes too tired. Choosing between taking her and taking a punishment, of course I choose her.
See you later...
I was searching the Internet for information on self-punishing and my search result pointed to a blog where someone mentioned pre-recorded instructions for self punishment. Sadly, when I clicked on the link, the blog had been taken offline and that particular post was not in the cached version, so I only had the tittle and nothing else.
I gave the issue some thought. How would it be if I could write a script for a punishment session and then play it back on my MP3 player as I followed the instructions? At first, I thought it would not work, but one day, while on a work related trip away from Mistress V, I decided to try it.
My reasons for suddenly wanting to try a recording are complex, but in their most simplistic expression they can be reduced to this:
1) I was horny as hell because I was away from Mistress.
2) I did not want to be "unfaithful" to mistress by masturbating (as a submissive, it gives me great pain to be so weak as to not be able to control myself for her)
3) I was about to fail her as I started to play with myself in my hotel room.
4) I felt that only a punishment would take my mind away from "consummating" my failure.
5) I had tried many different ways of self-punishment and they always ended in masturbation anyway...
So, armed with a deep desire for punishment and a deep horniness, I grabbed a paper and began to write a script. The script had instructions for me to follow, things for me to repeat and counts for the number of strokes I was to give myself. After writing what I considered was a lengthy "scene" I laid down and recorded everything on my MP3 player.
I tried the scene out and for the first time in my whole life I was able to punish myself to the point where I would feel it the next day. The session, it turned out was not long at all, so the next day, even though my buttocks were still sore, I wrote a new, shorter script that did not have an end (to be played continuously) and another one with the ending. At the end of the first track I ask a few questions about my submissive desires and about wanting to remain chaste to Mistress V. If I can honestly answer them to the positive, I press next and go to the last track, where I plant suggestions about how to be a better husband and a better submissive. If I am not "ready", meaning I still want to masturbate or watch porn or something, I have to let the player repeat the track one more time.
The first time I used the three-track version (the original plays first, because it has an introduction of sorts) I used the second track two or three times and by the end of it, I was shaking with pleasure, my ass was red and hot and I had absolutely no desire to play with myself any longer. For the rest of my trip (it was relatively long) I did not masturbate once, and ever since I came back I have only done it twice, which is a great deal, considering that once upon a time I was doing it every day and some days more than once.
My feelings of submissiveness for Mistress V increased during that time and I was so sure I would come home to be a better husband, but of course, even the best laid plans cannot survive an encounter with reality. When I am home, and can't punish myself to my deepest satisfaction, I end up getting moody and lazy. I believe I need the control I crave. I think that when Mistress V becomes the caring Dominant of my dreams, I will not have need to try to balance my own life with substitutes, but for now, I believe that I have found in self punishment an alternative to avoid the feelings of guilt associated with masturbation while at the same time preserving all my sexual energy to please my Mistress, which is after all, my ultimate goal as a submissive.
Today, I feel like I should get some punishment, but everyone is home, so it's not going to happen. Additionally, Mistress already told me that if I want her I should "take her" before she becomes too tired. Choosing between taking her and taking a punishment, of course I choose her.
See you later...
Mistress V is too tired...
I was not a good submissive today.
When I arrived home from work, Mistress was cleaning the bathroom. I asked her what else she had to do, with all the intention of helping her, but I was so tired (excuse...) I did not help her and that cost me, because Mistress was way too tired to have intercourse with me.
I am upset, not at her, like I would have been a few months ago, but at myself for being so lazy. I really need to focus more on having adequate sleep so I can have energy to help her in her tasks. If I don't serve willingly, I can't expect to turn her dominance on.
So, I can say that today was a failed day.
I feel that my behavior deserves punishment. Yes, since Mistress V does not punish me, sometimes I self-punish. I discovered that doing it myself was not fully satisfying until I discovered, quite by accident a method that actually leaves me shaking, trembling and almost crying (making myself cry would be a sign of success for me, since I consider it almost impossible) . I will leave the details of my self-punishing method for a separate post, but today I can't really do anything, because there is no privacy in my house. Mistress V. is asleep in our bed and there are kids all over the house.
One reason I am not updet at Mistress V is that I am finally beginning to understand that it is totally my fault that she is not "in the mood", so I should take the consequence like a man. There is another reason, though. If I claim to be a submissive, and proclaim my willingness to have Mistress V control every aspect of my life, inclusing my sex life, I have to get used to the idea of not having sex any time I want, but every time SHE wants.
This realization may still be worth the day.
See you,
V's boy.
When I arrived home from work, Mistress was cleaning the bathroom. I asked her what else she had to do, with all the intention of helping her, but I was so tired (excuse...) I did not help her and that cost me, because Mistress was way too tired to have intercourse with me.
I am upset, not at her, like I would have been a few months ago, but at myself for being so lazy. I really need to focus more on having adequate sleep so I can have energy to help her in her tasks. If I don't serve willingly, I can't expect to turn her dominance on.
So, I can say that today was a failed day.
I feel that my behavior deserves punishment. Yes, since Mistress V does not punish me, sometimes I self-punish. I discovered that doing it myself was not fully satisfying until I discovered, quite by accident a method that actually leaves me shaking, trembling and almost crying (making myself cry would be a sign of success for me, since I consider it almost impossible) . I will leave the details of my self-punishing method for a separate post, but today I can't really do anything, because there is no privacy in my house. Mistress V. is asleep in our bed and there are kids all over the house.
One reason I am not updet at Mistress V is that I am finally beginning to understand that it is totally my fault that she is not "in the mood", so I should take the consequence like a man. There is another reason, though. If I claim to be a submissive, and proclaim my willingness to have Mistress V control every aspect of my life, inclusing my sex life, I have to get used to the idea of not having sex any time I want, but every time SHE wants.
This realization may still be worth the day.
See you,
V's boy.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Back in the fray
I had computer problems and could not log in to my email account and they cancelled, which caused that I could not log in to my blogger account, so I basically had to rebuild the blog from scratch. Luckily I had not posted too many things, so it was not that hard. The only problem I see is that there were two people who had commented on the page and now they are lost to me.
Maybe I will try to comment on the old page and point people to the new page.
Anyway, I am going to try to answer two questions in this post:
1) Why am I back?
2) What has been going on for the past couple of months?
Okay, here we go.
First, I am back because even though my relationship with Mistress V has not evolved in the recent times, I feel like we get along better, and we don't argue as much. I feel like I would still like to steer this marriage towards her becoming my caring dominant. I also feel that whiole I was blogging, I had more motivation and energy to do whatever would please V and that would make me not only a better submissive, but also a better man.
Second, the short answer is "not much". Our relationship continues to be vanilla, although Mistress V seems a little more comfortable asking for sex than before. I still have to initiate most sexual encounters, though. During the last couple of months I have made great efforts to remain chaste for Mistress V, and have failed her only twice. Today I almost failed her, but I decided to be a man and "hold it in"or her. I am hoping that we will have sex tonight and don't want to ruin it by masturbating.
Another thing that has changed a little is that she is becoming a little more 'rough' in sex. She has been biting more, scratching more and squeezing my nipples. The biting my chest is leaving marks as is the scratching on the back, but the nipple thing is very soft, not enough for me, but I am not about to tel her that yet. Sometimes the back scratching is so hard it makes me shudder in pleasure, but it has not happenned too often. The last time we had sex she sucked on my nipple and it felt so good, I moaned. she did more of it and I was having an orgasm in no time.
Tomorrow is our wedding aniversary and in good old-fashioned husbandly manner, I forgot to get her something. I wish I had remembered before so I could buy some stuff to give her a pedicure. I adore her feet. I don't know what I will do tomorrow, but almost for sure I will bring her flowers and if she's not too tired I will take her to watch a movie.
I have to go now, but I hope I will be able to post something soon.
See you...
V's Boy
Maybe I will try to comment on the old page and point people to the new page.
Anyway, I am going to try to answer two questions in this post:
1) Why am I back?
2) What has been going on for the past couple of months?
Okay, here we go.
First, I am back because even though my relationship with Mistress V has not evolved in the recent times, I feel like we get along better, and we don't argue as much. I feel like I would still like to steer this marriage towards her becoming my caring dominant. I also feel that whiole I was blogging, I had more motivation and energy to do whatever would please V and that would make me not only a better submissive, but also a better man.
Second, the short answer is "not much". Our relationship continues to be vanilla, although Mistress V seems a little more comfortable asking for sex than before. I still have to initiate most sexual encounters, though. During the last couple of months I have made great efforts to remain chaste for Mistress V, and have failed her only twice. Today I almost failed her, but I decided to be a man and "hold it in"or her. I am hoping that we will have sex tonight and don't want to ruin it by masturbating.
Another thing that has changed a little is that she is becoming a little more 'rough' in sex. She has been biting more, scratching more and squeezing my nipples. The biting my chest is leaving marks as is the scratching on the back, but the nipple thing is very soft, not enough for me, but I am not about to tel her that yet. Sometimes the back scratching is so hard it makes me shudder in pleasure, but it has not happenned too often. The last time we had sex she sucked on my nipple and it felt so good, I moaned. she did more of it and I was having an orgasm in no time.
Tomorrow is our wedding aniversary and in good old-fashioned husbandly manner, I forgot to get her something. I wish I had remembered before so I could buy some stuff to give her a pedicure. I adore her feet. I don't know what I will do tomorrow, but almost for sure I will bring her flowers and if she's not too tired I will take her to watch a movie.
I have to go now, but I hope I will be able to post something soon.
See you...
V's Boy
Mixed Results
NOTE: Originally posted September 2009
Includes 2 comments that were posted to the blog and I could not reply to.
I have not been posting for a while and thought I should update the blog with what has been going on recently.
For the most part I have not been able to keep up with my own commitment to become Mistress V's submissive. There are a few reasons for this
I have not been exactly enthused with her commands
I have been lazy
I have not dared present her with an honest request or even a copy of the book
Let's see them one at a time:
NUMBER 1
Mistress V has given me commands, not in the authoritative way I would love, but she has done it. she has told me to do things here and there and has even gone so far as to say that i am to do as she said because I am "a good boy". The problem is that I have not been consistent in my servitude to her. True, I have done as she requested, but with few exceptions, I have done it without enthusiasm. There may be two or three exceptions, such as the other day when she asked me to do several things in succession and I thanked her. She said "Thank me? I should be the one thanking you!" to which I said "I love you and love serving you and when you tell me exactly how I can do that, I love it. Thank you." This is the closest I have ever come to a confession. but I have not been consistent. i know exactly the root cause for this lack of consistency: I have had too many orgasms. Most of them self inflicted. I totally have to start exercising self control and leave the habit of masturbation. I think that is I were consistent in my servitude, Mistress V's Dominance might awaken. I think I have seen hints of it somewhere.
NUMBER 2
I have not been consistent in my undercover servitude. I have done some things, but not enough. I think this is not as serious as number 1, but it would really strengthen the message that I really want to be in her service.
NUMBER 3
I printed a copy of Around her Finger, which is the most vanilla book on Female Dominance there is. Actually the book doesn't even mention the word dominance at all, but I have not dared giving it to her. I am afraid of doing it, and my fear is that she may reject me as she rejects my offer to submit to her. I know this may be an irrational fear, but it is there nevertheless and I don't know what I'd do if she rejects me like that. It is like a deep, deep part of me and it feels vulnerable and sensitive, exactly the part of the male psyche that we men try to protect throughout all our lives.
WHAT TO DO NOW:
I don't think I will dare to deal with number 3 for now, so I have to work on 1 and 2. I will try to be more consistent in serving her and be more enthusiastic when she "orders me around" I need to keep telling her that I adore serving her and being told how to do it.
Posted by V's boy at 8:42 PM
2 comments:
subservient-husband said...
I was scared too. I couldn't take the stealth submission any more. I e-mailed her a link to the around-her-finger web site and wrote, "I think this is me". I felt from there it is her choice how to proceed. I found the initial phase very vanilla, but even this was her decision and as such, fulfilling to my submissive nature. Recently, which is about seven months later, she has begun to feel more comfortable with more authoritative control.
About your response, I can confirm that the more you are obedient to her requests with enthusiasm, the more she will make requests. The more she is angry at you and you submit to her and agree with her opinion, the more comfortable she will be in her authority. At least that is what I have found.
IMHO, you should tell her and let her decide how to proceed and then submit to whatever that may be.
September 29, 2009 3:13 AM
At all Times said...
I agree with SH above, but understand very well your dilemma. I have never been as open with my wife, but overtime I think I have got my message across. A word of warning though, if your wife is like most other vanilla women, your submission will not be easy for her to understand. It is also very likely that she will not want a slave, or servant, at least not ion the way that you may fantasise about.
Loving female authority, and the doctrine put forward by aroundherfinger are definitley the way to go, and at sometime you will have to tell your wife more of how you feel. A campaign of stealth submission, small hints, and little real communication are going to lead to some confusion, many many ups and downs, and a much longer harder route than if you just sit down and explain how you feel. Asking your wife to look at the book or website will help start to explian your position but eventually you will haver to talk.
Whatever you do good luck, I will be following your journey with interest. I have posted loads of advice on my own blog, and if nothing else by reading it you, you may at least learn something from my mistakes.
Good Luck
September 30, 2009 7:42 AM
A new Journey begins... Where to?
Note: This post was originally made in June 25, 2009
I guess this is my 'hello world' post, so allow me to introduce myself.
I am V's boy, a name that implies that I want to enter into a female-led relationship with my wife, who I will refer to as 'V' or 'Mistress V'. I live in a California suburb, have a good paying job with lots of authority, and in general show myself to the world as a leader.
In my private life, however, I've been holding a secret. I have strong feelings of submissiveness to a loving female authority. I have been reading books on the matter and searching the Internet for information, but most results turn out to be pornography, something that I find objectionable due to moral principle.
For the longest time I have lived with feelings of inadequacy, feeling that my submissive feelings were 'unmanly', immoral or deviant. It was not until early this year when I discovered Caring Domination from (website to follow) and learned that my feelings are not as exceptional as I thought. I also learned that my kinks have a cause, that my submission to a caring dominant could help me become a better person.
It was an incredibly liberating discovery.
The mere fact that I could aspire to have a loving female authority guide me and still be the man that I figure myself to be, gave me great joy.
I later learned more about the concepts I was interested about from a couple of websites, particularly Around her Finger (Website to follow).
At this point, I am not practicing the principles I have learned. The dream of submitting to my wife and enter into a wife-led marriage is being counterbalanced by fear.
I fear rejection from a very traditional wife, not only of the principles, but personal rejection as well. I don't think my wife would accept the concept if it was presented to her in the cold, so for a couple months now, I have been practicing "hidden submission".
Hidden submission is not fully satisfying for me because I crave for her authority and that requires her acknowledgment of the fact that she has power over me. I crave her control and her guidance, but that is not as forthcoming as I would like to see it. She has noticed that a couple of things have changed around here, such as we have not have an argument for a long time, I have not been whining for sex (something I apparently used to do all the time, even involuntarily) and I have been helping a little more around the house.
I have not taken a more active submissive role, even though I want to, mainly because I get discouraged easily by the lack of guidance, so this creates a vicious cycle, where I want to do things, but feel discouraged by lack of guidance, but since I am probably doing a little more than I used to do before, my wife doesn't feel that she needs to guide me, so she doesn't. My lack of enthusiasm then causes her to lack it as well.
I have made the decision to create this journal for several reasons:
I have seen many journals like this one and have seen how peer support can motivate one to keep going when the "road gets tough". I hope that the community will discover this journal and comment on it.
Make my thoughts clear. Sometimes I am not sure how to describe my feelings and putting them in writing could help me figure them out. Sometimes I don't even know if I am truly submissive or just going through a phase. I hope that this journal will help me figure that out.
To keep a record of my progress and have a realistic view of the status of my relationship. I think that writing overtime can help me "see the forest" while walking among "the trees". I think it would be interesting to look at this later, if I keep it going and see how the story unfolded.
One day, I wish to make V aware of the full extent of my feelings for her. That day, when I fearlessly submit all my being to her leadership, I hope I will dare to let her read these things. Let's say this could become my confession journal.
I think that I have written enough for an introduction. If you happen to stumble upon this journal by accident, feel free to leave comments and suggestions.
At this point, as the tittle of this post suggest, I don't know the destination of this journey, but I hope I can figure it out along the way.
V's boy
I guess this is my 'hello world' post, so allow me to introduce myself.
I am V's boy, a name that implies that I want to enter into a female-led relationship with my wife, who I will refer to as 'V' or 'Mistress V'. I live in a California suburb, have a good paying job with lots of authority, and in general show myself to the world as a leader.
In my private life, however, I've been holding a secret. I have strong feelings of submissiveness to a loving female authority. I have been reading books on the matter and searching the Internet for information, but most results turn out to be pornography, something that I find objectionable due to moral principle.
For the longest time I have lived with feelings of inadequacy, feeling that my submissive feelings were 'unmanly', immoral or deviant. It was not until early this year when I discovered Caring Domination from (website to follow) and learned that my feelings are not as exceptional as I thought. I also learned that my kinks have a cause, that my submission to a caring dominant could help me become a better person.
It was an incredibly liberating discovery.
The mere fact that I could aspire to have a loving female authority guide me and still be the man that I figure myself to be, gave me great joy.
I later learned more about the concepts I was interested about from a couple of websites, particularly Around her Finger (Website to follow).
At this point, I am not practicing the principles I have learned. The dream of submitting to my wife and enter into a wife-led marriage is being counterbalanced by fear.
I fear rejection from a very traditional wife, not only of the principles, but personal rejection as well. I don't think my wife would accept the concept if it was presented to her in the cold, so for a couple months now, I have been practicing "hidden submission".
Hidden submission is not fully satisfying for me because I crave for her authority and that requires her acknowledgment of the fact that she has power over me. I crave her control and her guidance, but that is not as forthcoming as I would like to see it. She has noticed that a couple of things have changed around here, such as we have not have an argument for a long time, I have not been whining for sex (something I apparently used to do all the time, even involuntarily) and I have been helping a little more around the house.
I have not taken a more active submissive role, even though I want to, mainly because I get discouraged easily by the lack of guidance, so this creates a vicious cycle, where I want to do things, but feel discouraged by lack of guidance, but since I am probably doing a little more than I used to do before, my wife doesn't feel that she needs to guide me, so she doesn't. My lack of enthusiasm then causes her to lack it as well.
I have made the decision to create this journal for several reasons:
I have seen many journals like this one and have seen how peer support can motivate one to keep going when the "road gets tough". I hope that the community will discover this journal and comment on it.
Make my thoughts clear. Sometimes I am not sure how to describe my feelings and putting them in writing could help me figure them out. Sometimes I don't even know if I am truly submissive or just going through a phase. I hope that this journal will help me figure that out.
To keep a record of my progress and have a realistic view of the status of my relationship. I think that writing overtime can help me "see the forest" while walking among "the trees". I think it would be interesting to look at this later, if I keep it going and see how the story unfolded.
One day, I wish to make V aware of the full extent of my feelings for her. That day, when I fearlessly submit all my being to her leadership, I hope I will dare to let her read these things. Let's say this could become my confession journal.
I think that I have written enough for an introduction. If you happen to stumble upon this journal by accident, feel free to leave comments and suggestions.
At this point, as the tittle of this post suggest, I don't know the destination of this journey, but I hope I can figure it out along the way.
V's boy
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