Thursday, July 30, 2015

Lunch with Sofia: A Surprising Revelation

NOTE: Today is Thursday, and I saw my ex again. I realize I didn't post about this, but she works out of an office near mine on Thursdays and she had told me that we could meet for lunch, Since I’m going to see more of her in the near future, I will call her Sofia for ease of reference, which is not her real name. Now, since I don't think it is fair to give her a fake name while I call my actual wife by her initial  so I'll just call my wife Victoria.

I saw Sofia again today. This time, I saw her early enough and waved to her as I was entering the deli to buy lunch. She joined me and asked me if I was going to buy “for here or to go”. I usually bring my food and eat it in my office, but I decided to eat it there, with Sofia. Something interesting is that the last time I saw her, it felt like a temptation, but this time, it didn't. I think it is because I had some sexual release with Victoria recently, not like the last time, that I had not.

We talked about inconsequential things for most of the time, like the weather, my children, her son (or is it a daughter? I don't remember)  but when lunch was nearly over and it was about time to return to the office, a young woman from my building walked by. She is not my co-worker, but I see her often, because she works in an office one floor below mine that must have a young-and-unreasonably-attractive hiring policy, because I have not seen anyone get to that floor, male or female, who does not meet that criteria. She was wearing high-heel leather boots and a short skirt, both black (don’t ask me what was above the skirt, because I wouldn’t be able to tell you).
I didn’t realize I was staring, but Sofia did. In our days together, she would have been very upset at that, and we would have had a fight (part of the reason I broke up with her) but today she just waited until I finished eye-stalking the way-too-young-for-me blond creature. I felt a little embarrassed when I met Sofia’s eyes again and realized that she’d been waiting in silence with a smirk in her face.

“You’ve always been quite the legs guy,” she commented casually. When we were dating all those years ago, she was pretty much flat-chested (not so anymore) so I always made sure she knew that I was a “bottom” type of guy and not a “top”.  It’s funny that I actually used those terms back then, referring to Butts vs. Breasts and not to Submissive vs. Dominant (although they coincidentally correlate). She said legs, but she meant ass. 

“Those boots!” I found myself saying before I realized who I was talking to, looking at the girl as she approached the corner. “If that girl told me to kneel on the floor and kiss them, I’d probably do it.”

Now, I have no idea why I blurted that out to Sofia. I have never told anyone anything like that (well, I told a few friends from high school in a class reunion once, but it was a joke). My theory is that since I had an intimate relationship with Sofia before, and I have no attachment to her now, I felt confident enough to make such a comment.

I finally realized what I had done when Sofia asked me if I liked dominant women. I looked at her again, and she was smiling innocently. I said yes, and I told her that I had fantasies of submitting to women.

“You never mentioned that to me,” she said. She would have indulged back then, even if it was only a fantasy, because we were young and she was of the “try everything once” persuasion.

“I didn’t know it back then,” I said. “I discovered it years after I married to Victoria”.

“Does she dominate you?”

“Well,” I said, finally hesitating, my boldness fading quickly at the mention of my wife. I don’t think I should be sharing private information about my relationship with Sofia.

“It’s okay,” she said, waving a hand. "It's none of my business”.

Of course, my non-answer had been eloquent enough, so I found myself blushing.

We finished the meal in silence, or rather I finished in silence. She had finished several minutes before. It was time for me to get back to the daily grind.

“You know?” Sofia said when we were leaving. “I wish you’d had told me back then”.

“I couldn’t,” I said, “I didn’t know”.

“I know,” she said. “I know, but everything would have been so much better.”

That REALLY got my attention. And I mean REALLY! I stopped. We were supposed to walk in different directions, but I suddenly felt an urgent need to ask her why she had made that comment.

“I don’t know,” she said, shrugging. “I guess I was afraid of you being gay or something.”

“What?” I asked. I don’t know what registered on my face, but Sofia started to laugh. “Why you say that? You were with me thinking I was gay?”

“I didn’t THINK so,” she said. “But sometimes I was afraid you might be... Don’t you have to get back to work?”

I did. I had actually exceeded the time allotted for my lunch break. Not that my bosses (I should tell you about my bosses some time) are too hard on enforcing it, but one should never abuse the privilege.

“I really want to know more about that,” I said as we bid farewells again. “Are you going to be around tomorrow?”

“No,” she said. “I won’t be working from here until next Thursday (August 6) but I’ll be in town Tuesday if you are up to having lunch again.”

I hesitated. August 4 is a special date for me, and I had been planning to take the day off to do something with Victoria (we have done something special on this date 3 years in a row) but it seems like we won’t be able to this time.

“I don’t think I can make it on Tuesday, and I’d hate for you to come down and not find me” I said.

“I’ll see you Thursday then?” She asked.

“Yes,” I said, as we parted ways. Last I saw her face, she still wore an ample smile.

Now, I’m bank home, wondering about the gay thing. I don’t have anything against gays, but I have never felt same-gender attraction, and have always identified as straight, so it was very curious that she thought I could be gay. I’ve been thinking about it and have no idea why she thought that. Blasted schedules that I’ll have to wait one week to find out.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Pain in the Ass

Surprisingly, My rear end is in pain today.

Being super horny after having multiple fantasies, but trying to avoid further temptation, I send a text message to Miss V where I asked her if she would use the strap on on me or give me a spanking. She answered with a simple "Yes", which left me dubious of what she had just agreed to and upset at the nature of compound questions.

Well, she had told me she would be home at 8 pm, which is really early for her job, and that she should not be tired, so I decided to be prepared for both eventualities and let it be. I know she dislikes being "pestered", so I avoided that.

I prepared myself, meaning that I cleansed well, inside and out, and cleaned the strap on dildo, which had not been used in a while, so it was a bit dusty.

When she arrived, she told me she had to do some computer work, and asked if we could watch a couple episodes of one of her shows. I was not about to say no to that, not when a spanking or a strap-on session awaited, but fortunately, the show was one that I also like. We watched two episodes, and then she asked me if i had prepared for what was to come. So, the strap-on it was.

She bid farewell to the kids, and asked me to do something, which I don't even remember, and to then meet her in the room.

When I got there, she was holding the silicone dildo and the harness and told me that she had forgotten how to set it up. She handed it over for me to set up. The irony didn't escape me that I was assembling the weapon she was about to use on me. Once I installed the barrel on the gun, I handed it back to her, and she put it on, clearly showing that she had not forgotten that part. Then she brought is over and placed it next top my already erect, but significantly smaller tool. She likes to do that. To bring her purple toy next to my flesh and blood one and touch them together. This time she didn't mention the fact that I'm a couple inches shorter than she.

Then she lubricated it.

"There," she said, spreading a towel over the bed.

I stood on  the side of the bed, my legs spread wide and leaned over it, so she could take me from behind, but then she slapped my ass with the silicone spatula. I think I've mentioned it before, but it hurts! It is not a thud, but a burning swat. She spanked me three or four times then asked me if I got it.

"Got what?" I asked. Foolish me...

For answer, all I got was a rapid succession of slaps with the spatula. I was expecting anal play, not a spanking, and it was not nice, but it made me feel her power, so I submitted to it.

"Got it now?" she asked. 

This time, I rapidly said yes.

She put the spatula to the side and entered me with the dildo. By now it was a little dry, so I asked her if she could lubricate it some more. She did and it entered gloriously.

She took me hard and long, the hardest and longest she's ever taken me. While she did me, she also hit me with the spatula, but since she was occupying some of the area where I am usually spanked, her impacts had to be mostly to the sides. After a while, I had a cramp on my leg and asked if we could switch positions, to which she responded that she thought that I was on a roll. I consented to remain bent over, but lifted my left leg over and rested it on the bed's side beam. She thought I had done this to allow her access to my penis, and crossing her right arm under mine, she grabbed it. Then she got closer and started to fuck me slow, while playing with my penis, squeezing my left nipple with her other hand and biting my neck. She did this for a while, and it was the best sensation I've ever had from anal play in my life (granted, not a lot of anal experience here).

When she grew tired, I asked again if I could turn around and she said yes. I laid face up, my ass at the edge of the bed and she entered me from there. This time I could look at her as she went inside and out of me. It was a sublime experience, to see her move, not as mechanically as I've seen her before, but with a fluid, sinuous movement that appeared real (I think, I have never seen someone with a real penis entering me).

I finished with a very strong orgasm. A lot of fluid came out in several spurts.

Her business done, she pulled out and started to clean herself.

I could not move, my muscles were locked into place and she had to help me get up. Later she told me to get her water, and that this had been a great workout.  I couldn't agree more.

So, that's the story behind the pain I feel in my abused asshole today. There is barely any redness on the cheeks, because the spanking was not severe enough, but my ass did take some punishment. 

I love this woman.

Friday, July 17, 2015

She wants something...

Yesterday, I saw my ex again, and we talked for a bit. She told me about her kid, showed me pictures of him and asked me about mine. I was a little embarrassed because I have a new phone, so I only have very few pictures. She made some mandatory jokes about men at my expense and then told me that she was happy to see that I had found what I had been looking for and was happy. Nothing more, regardless of all the fantasies I've been having. It was in a public place, near my office building. Of course I wasn't really expecting that she would come out of nowhere and want to have me back. It was all fantasy.

I came back to the office to end the day, and got a call from Miss V. You don't know this, but she rarely ever calls me. Usually she texts. I took the phone and she told me right away that she wanted to sleep in tomorrow, as in "sleep in". I asked her what she wanted to do and she said that she didn't want to do anything, but wanted ME to DO. Then she told me straight up that if she didn't get hers, I would not get mine.

This was surprising to me, not only because she already told me that she didn't want to have sex with me anymore, but because she was being so forward, which is very unusual for her. So there I was, maybe half and hour after having a chat with my ex, getting hard just because of my wife's phone call. She has the power, and if she used it, she could do whatever she wanted with me. This is so true, it's almost scary.

I obviously responded that I would do whatever she wanted me to do, and she said "We'll see..."

I will not see her tonight. She is working until late, and I'm sure I'll be wondering what she wants me to do, I know she wants something, but I don't know what.

What would I like it to be? (Warning: Pure fantasy. I don't expect any of what follows to become real)

She wakes up before I do, and starts playing with my cock to wake me up. When I'm horny and awake enough, she grabs me by the balls, hard and interrogates me about my encounter with my ex. It turns out someone told her that I had a coffee with her and she was waiting to see if I was going to tell her.

She tells me to kneel on the corner, grabs me by the chin and scolds me about trust and reliability. She decides that I won't be getting any sex for a week at the minimum and tells me that she is going to put me in the chastity device and that we will talk in a week about how long I will stay locked,

She gives me the hardest spanking I have ever gotten. Tears come to my eyes as she goes left and right, left and right. Then when I'm about to be broken, she tells me that she has decided that I'm going to serve her orally. 

I do, until I'm exhausted, and she finally has an orgasm (she's slow to orgasm orally) and then she tells me to get out of her sight, go make breakfast, do the laundry and clean the kitchen, I am not allowed to address her until these three things are done,

(End of Fantasy)

Well, this is irrelevant, because it is not going to happen, but she clearly wants something, and I wonder what it is.

Probably some vanilla act, so I better not get my hopes up.

More details to come.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Spanked! It Hurt!

NOTE: This happened before my previous post. I wrote it offline and forgot to post it. I apologize if I say something here that I already mentioned I'm adding a note at the end to update it.

I have not been writing here for a while, since Miss V has been sick and not willing to have any contact with me. The other day I couldn’t hold it any longer and I asked her to spank me. I basically said that I wanted to experiment with spanking and needed her help.

“I don’t have time”, she responded. “I have to go to work”.

“How long can it take to give me 30 on each cheek?” I asked, a little frustrated. “You’ll be done in less than 2 minutes”.

“OK,” she said, with a surprised expression I didn’t understand at the time. “Go to the bedroom.”

Even though her tone was not commanding in the absolute and that I had asked for it, I felt a little twinge down there when she said the words. I went to the room and she followed a couple minutes later.

“Get your pants off,” she said. Another twinge, more intense. “Do you want me to rotate between them or all at one time?”

I didn’t want to tell her what to do any more than I had already done, so I said that any way she preferred would be OK with me.

“How should I position myself?” I asked. There are not many options, because the room is quite crowded, but I could be standing, leaning over the bed, as I stand when she takes me from behind, or I could be on her lap, or flat on the bed.

She told me to be flat on the bed and I did. I buried my face in a pillow, holding it with both hands while wondering how hard she would go. I thought she would not go hard at all, to be honest, so when the first hit with the silicone spatula landed, hard and burning, I was pleasantly and unpleasantly surprised. Those of you that are spanked will understand that the apparent contradiction is a normal part of the spanking paradox.

I started counting them in my head, one, one, two, two, three, three… She was alternating between cheeks, and a good thing too, because they were stinging much more than I had anticipated.

“If you start bleeding, I’m going to stop,” she said, sending a shiver up my spine, not a shiver of pleasure, but of fear. Would she really make me bleed? I didn’t want to bleed… Or did I?

I was up to about 12 when I could not stand it anymore, and I broke my silence, with some sound that may have been an Ahhhh! And got out of position, turning around a little. Miss V. didn’t react to that. No “Are you OK?” or “Is this too hard?” Nothing at all. She just calmly waited for me to resume my position.

I fell back into the pillow as the methodical twats continued. By that time, I had lost count and had no idea how many I had left. That’s when I really submitted to my spanking. I just let it happen, allowing it to go on and stop whenever V wanted. I didn’t even know whether she was keeping count or not, or what that count was. I felt more submissive than I have ever felt, at her mercy. At the same time, I didn’t know how much longer I would be able to take it.

Suddenly, it stopped.

“Was that 30?” I asked when it became apparent that no more hits were forthcoming. My voice cracked a little.

“Yes,” she responded casually. I thanked her, and she laughed. She actually laughed, but I don’t know if it was because of the absurdity of me thanking her for beating me, or because she thought that I was thanking her for stopping. I let it go, not wanting to spoil the moment. In the past, I have had a problem of not speaking my mind when I should, and opening my mouth too often when I shouldn’t.

She walked away and I remained there, my exposed behind burning, while a little argument inside my head between my submissive and my fearful sides raged on. You probably know how it goes, but it is something like this:
  • -          You are an idiot. What have you done?
  • -          But I want it!
  • -          Yeah? What if she likes it too much for your taste?
  • -          But I want it!
  • -          You don’t even have an erection, you fool!
  • -          But… But… But…

Yes, Submissive me is not too articulate.

Miss V came back and before I knew it she was studying my red-hot-chili bottom. Quietly, she applied a cooling lotion all over and then left. She didn’t say anything. Nothing at all.

The next time I saw her was late that night when she came back from work. I was wearing a pair of pajama pants and she told me to turn around so she could examine my bottom. She said that it was still red, but no permanent damage had been caused. I assured her that the bottom had enough padding and that I would be OK.

That’s when she explained that she had been surprised when I asked for the spanking before she left for work, because she had thought that I wanted the spanking as foreplay. She then asked me something that surprised me.

“Do you spank yourself?”

I decided to be honest. I told her that over the years I had tried to do it, but I was unable to derive satisfaction from it because no matter how hard I tried, I could not do it hard enough (I carefully omitted that when it really hurt, I chickened out). The fuller truth I didn’t say is that when I was 8 years old, I took my pants off and tried to spank myself by hand while my minuscule erection raged on. Even earlier, I must have been 4 or 5 when I asked my grandfather in a dream to beat me up with his belt.

She took it in stride.

The next day, she checked again, and pronounced that it was still noticeable. I checked and couldn’t see it, but she insisted.

Now that I got my 30 spanks and experienced the exhilaration and the fear of it, I know for sure that even though I fantasize about spanking, the threat of it would work as a deterrent. I am formulating a plan to use spanking to develop healthy, positive habits.

And when I say “I’m formulating” I really mean that I have the whole thing planned out, with a spreadsheet that auto-calculates my demerits and how many spanks I get depending on me checking or unchecking boxes. In truth, all that is needed is Miss V’s agreement to spank me at least once a week, and her agreement/concurrence with the habits and their demerit value.

To make it easier for her, I can reduce her participation to the minimum, which is, apply the demerits. I can monitor, them and just give her a number, like the 30 I gave her for the experiment. Of course, she may refuse to do it, especially if I go with the spreadsheets and checklists already made…

I have to go now. Fearful me is calling.  

EDIT: Reading this, it sounds as if everything is all right, I was not yet aware of the magnitude of the problem we are having. Since writing this, my wife has told me that she does not want to have sex with me again, and that I should take care of my needs on my own, Something is fundamentally wrong with our relationship and I can't build an FLR over a flawed relationship. I'm going to have to figure out what the real root of the problems is, if it is beyond my wife's medical issues.

Sunday, July 12, 2015

Failure and temptation...

Warning: Depressing Content Ahead...

The Chastity experiment didn't go well.

Miss V allowed me to wear the device, then forgot about it. A week later, she unlocked it, we had sex (which was surprisingly unfulfilling to me) Then she allowed me to be locked again, but told me she didn't want me locked up, because she didn't enjoy it. There was no tease and denial, just ignoring, as in the presence of the CB was offensive, so I had to weigh my options, and decided to give it up.

There was absolutely no reaction from her part when I said that I didn't want to be in chastity any longer. I approached her a couple times for sex after that, and she consented, but was not an enthusiastic partner. The frequency of my approaches diminished to once a week. For a few weeks, we had sex every Saturday morning, until she started scheduling work for that morning too.

I was devastated. She insisted that she had to do the work, which is true, but I know she is the one that schedules it, so it doesn't have to be done that early. The people that work with her don't usually respond until the weekend it over anyway, so working later on Saturday or even Sunday does not affect her work in the slightest.

The truth came out recently, thought.

She told me that sex had not been pleasurable for her any longer and that it was actually beginning to hurt. She asked me for understanding and told me that I should just "take care"of my own needs by myself.

I explained that I don't want to become addicted to masturbation as I was during a previous relationship, where I ended up masturbating up to 5 times per day. She dismissed it and suggested that my hormones are less intense today than they were 20 year ago.

In the end, she agreed to participate in masturbating me, and offered, without any prompting of my part, to take me with the strapon on occasion.

Faced with the prospect of no sex, this seemed like a good idea, so I agreed.

She masturbated me once. I texted her that I needed her to give me a hand and she responded "I'll be there in 5 minutes". She came, gave me a blow job and finished with her hands (she doesn't swallow). then she said that this was to prepare me for the full day of work she had for me and gave me numerous tasks to complete, which I did happily, thinking that we could reach some form of stable relationship, even if it didn't meet all my expectations.

But that was it.

One day she told me that she would fuck me, but I was sick. She didn't offer again.

Now I'm in a bind, because on the one hand, I am in a no-sex relationship with my wife, and on the other, an ex-girlfriend who just got divorced moved back to town a few weeks back. I had seen her once or twice from afar, and discovered that my memories of her are still there...  to the point that she is now a recurring character on my masturbatory fantasies, but last Thursday I bumped into her when shopping and she told me that she would like to meet for coffee one of these days to catch up. This is probably an innocent proposal, as I don't think she will sexually assault me over coffee, but that has not precluded my horny, sex-deprived brain from creating all kind of scenarios where this woman, and not my wife, is the protagonist.

I'm feeling very confused right now. I know I love my wife and want to honor the vows I made with her, so I'll probably will not meet with my ex, but I'm being completely unfaithful to my wife in fantasy anyway, so I wonder if it would be best to just meet this woman over coffee, When nothing happens, maybe the fantasies will fade.

Now, to better understand why this woman tempts me so, let me explain a bit. She was one of my earliest serious girlfriends. She was still in high school when we started dating and was in college by the time we broke up. A lot of my "firsts" were with her. She gave me my first hand job, my first fully realized blow job and hers was the first pussy I tasted. She was always open to try new things, except vaginal sex. I never entered her love canal, because she had this strange concept of keeping her virginity until marriage I say strange, not because I disagree with keeping yourself a virgin, but because I think after all the stuff we did, calling herself a virgin was just a technicality.

Ever since I discovered my submissive desires, I have thought that had I slayed with my ex back then, she would have eventually become my mistress. Now, there is no way of knowing that to be true, but I FEEL that it is, and that's what makes the idea dangerous...

There is another angle to this:

A couple week ago, I was feeling guilty over having sexual fantasies of my ex (and her sister) and asked Miss V to spank me and spank me hard. She asked me if I self-spanked and I answered that over the years I have tried to do it (true) but it has never been fully satisfying (also true).

Miss V spanked me so hard that she felt the need to apply some lotion to the affected area afterwards and I agreed with it. I thanked her and told her that I would appreciate it if she would spank me regularly to "encourage me" as she used to do with denial before.

"I don't know about that," she responded and explained that I need to stop feeling guilty for taking care of my needs. (I had not told her what I was really feeling guilty for) and that I should just take care of myself... this has increased my fantasies to the point that for the last few days, they have flourished into outbursts of creativity. I even had a dream three nights ago, where my wife told my ex that she was grateful to her for being available to take care of a part of me she didn't like, and just sat there watching while my ex ravaged me with teeth and nails... Sadly I woke up before she swallowed my load.

This is sick... I know.

I know my ex. I KNOW I'm going to "bump into her" this week. I know I'll probably say yes if she ask me out for coffee again... I know she will ask... And she will ask with all the innocence and smiles of someone who doesn't know she's been my favorite demon for quite some time.

 And I feel miserable about it all.