Friday, January 11, 2013

Shopping for something sexual...

As you know, Miss V is away right now, on a business/pleasure trip. We can only have phone conversations for now, although I expect that she will be able to use skype during the weekend. I'm looking forward to see her, even if it is on the computer screen.

Yesterday, I was at work, having lunch when she sent me a photo. I opened it and saw her in a swimming suit, sitting on a rock, her had tilted back taking in the sun in a blue beach... This is January, for Pete's sake, but, where she is right now, there is plenty of warmth year-round.

"I'm so jealous," I said out loud to the only other person in our break room at work. Then, of course, I had to explain. Luckily, my wife also sent a picture of her face with the tropical paradise behind her, because no way I was going to show that dude the sexier image.

Miss V called when I was surfing for chastity devices online and asked what I was doing.

"Nothing in particular," I lied. "Just on the computer."

"And what are you looking at?"

"Meh, stuff..."

"What kind of stuff?" She insisted. "It's okay to look at stuff, I'm just curious..."

There was a metal chastity device right in front of my nose. Should I tell her? I wondered. Then I thought of yesterday's post and decided to just tell her. She was asking, anyway, right? On the other hand, I have never ever mentioned chastity devices to her and I think it deserves a personal conversation at the very least, not one over the phone from across time zones.

"Okay, you want to know?"

"Yes," she said.

"I'm shopping for something sexual," I said. "That I was hoping we could buy -"

"Oh, don't buy it," she interrupted before I could finish. "I already bought something... Well, not the same type of thing, but I have something anyway".

I was surprised. Unless she has installed some web monitoring software on my computer, she had no idea of what I was looking at, so I wonder what she thought. Lamely, and true to my ADHD, instead of continuing with my side of the story, I asked what she had bought. I think someone approached on her side of the line, because her tone changed and instead of telling me, or telling me that she would not tell me, she answered a different question.

"Well," she said. "I bought a hat for your son".

From there the conversation turned very tame from her side, which seems to confirm that someone was around, because the only other comment she made in reference to anything related to this blog was that I should make sure to continue working out, and that if I work out every day, I will see the rewards very soon.

So, there. I am working out every day and looking for the rewards. I'm also wondering what she bought. I know from a previous text message that she bought something red and tiny for her, but that it was actually for me, so I'm guessing some lingerie she's going to wear.

I think we may have reached a point where she might not get offended if I just tell her that I have been reading about orgasm control (which she already knows) and that one thing that is mentioned a lot and intrigues me is the use of chastity devices as a control mechanism. I'm sure at this point she will ask questions like : WTF? Chastity devices? How does THAT work? and we will have what will seem to be a neutral conversation about them, and I will show her a few images (from a tame site) and ask her what she thinks.

My prediction?

She will not say yes. Not off the bat like that.

She will either say "no", or she will say "I don't know" which I will take as "ask me again later, and I might say yes" (like when I presented her with the idea of the strapon).

I have the feeling that I will be wearing a chastity Device at some point soon... I may be wrong, though...

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Oh, what a fool I've been!!!!

As usual, during these times when V is away from home, my mind meanders to strange paths and I find myself wondering about life and the pursuit of happiness. And on these times, "happiness" tends to become synonymous with being under V's loving but firm authority. I realize that whether or not being subjected to V's power brings me happiness, what matters in reality is that I believe it does, so I feel energized to continue my lengthy quest for this holy grail. My mind gets muddled and full or questions when I'm on these moods, as you will see if you keep reading.

In order to move things along in the direction of that elusive "next level" (How to reach it, and how do I know when I get there?) I went to my e-library of D/s literature. I have a list of titles that I have obtained over the years, and while some have been more helpful than others, I think I have learned some things from most (Is this "learning" really helping me, or is it just creating unachievable expectations?). For the past two days I have been transcribing material from the Real Women Don't Do Housework site. I didn't alter anything, but just copied, pasted and formatted and came up with a 37 pages manuscript to hand over to Miss V (Do I dare do it this time, or will it be another one on my series of long agonizing hesitations?). My thought was that I was ready to come out completely, tell her that the game of marbles has been an experiment to test the waters, and that for my part I consider it successful in that now I KNOW that I want to submit to her, if she would take me.

I realize now that there is a problem with that.

You see? One of my D/s goals for the new year was to go back and read all my older blog entries to do two things:
  • Edit inappropriate content in preparation for possibly letting Miss V know about it.
  • Collect "best practices," things that have worked in the past but that I may have allowed to lapse, in order to make a concerted effort to bring them back.
While reviewing the older entries, I found that I have been actually very successful in my efforts. Some of the entries I've made in the past sound like coming from a guy several orders of magnitude wiser than me, and also more successful at instituting an FLR than I feel I've ever had. A comment about this later, but first, I made a startling discovery:

I can't really come out to Miss V about being submissive, because I already did...

What? Yeah, that's what I said too. I didn't even remember the BIG CONVERSATION, but when reading my older posts, I realized that I actually did what I wrote I did. Now, if you are interested, you can find that post RIGHT HERE. It is a rather lengthy post, but then again, I tend to ramble sometimes and it WAS a major milestone, even though I kind of forgot about it...

The most amazing thing is that right after coming out, Miss V actually enforced a measure of Dominance over the non-sexual part of me and controlled my orgasms unabashedly.

Here I am one year later, trying to muster the courage to do something I already did. How on earth did this happen? Where have I been that I didn't even remember this? How can I bring it back and make for the lost time?

The only thing that comes to mind that could have made me forget is that 2012 was a very rough year at work and I was having stress-related illnesses in addition to being injured twice (rather, my old injury flared up). In the ins and outs of all the stress, we slipped in our relationship and reverted to pasts patterns in some things. Luckily, not all, because Miss V. still holds my orgasms pretty much under control, except for the vacation she just gave me.

Upon realizing this, and remembering that Miss V has actually accepted my submissive nature already (which explains why later in the year she agreed to spank me, take me from behind with the strapon and more recently tie me up) I also realized what a fool I have been.

I already took the most difficult step in getting to an FLR, and didn't capitalize on it.
Well, at the very moment of this realization, I decided to do something about it. The very first thing I did was to text Miss V. and told her "I want to make you happy".
"How?" she texted back almost instantly. With the time difference, I think she was in bed already.
"Anyway you want," I texted. "But right now, making love to you sounds good."
"I already want to go home!" and then "<3 p="p">
So, here I sit, looking back at a lucky, wise and successful guy and hardly believing that it is actually me. Now, before you go thinking that it is not possible for a guy to forget that he came out, let me tell you that because of my ADD, I have an extraordinary ability to forget stuff, especially when there is a lot of stress or not enough sleep, which are some of the hallmarks of 2012 for me. I have forgotten big things before, like a college class I didn't go to for about 6 weeks or a girlfriend I used to have. My family still teases me about that one.
Anyway, back to the wise guy. I read some stuff in there, some resolutions that I made, some intentions and plans that I had, and definitely need to bring back. This post, however, has past the point of tolerance for lengthy articles, so I will stop with the rambling now.
I have a few more days, until Miss V comes back on Monday, so I can plan a little more on how to do this, and also get 5 more green marbles in my container, which right now only has 2 (Miss V suggested that we made it all red as the price of my vacation, and while at first I insisted on a 50% distribution, reason got the best of me and I went back to her and told her that her idea was better and I wanted her to do as she had suggested originally).
I'll probably post some more about this matter before then.
Oh, what a fool I've been!!!

Monday, January 7, 2013

Miss V is away.

Miss V left this morning on a business trip. She will be gone for a week, and I have to stay home to care for the kids. This business trip is convenient for her because she will get to spend some time with her folks, who live in the area, but it will be hard for me to have a week without her.

V left me a list of instructions for things she needs me to do, but they are mostly for making sure the kids stay alive and go to school. I expect this to be a very vanilla week.

In terms of our orgasm denial, Miss V decided that after my vacation, all my marbles will be red, and I have a week, starting today, to place up to 7 green marbles in the container. This presupposes that there will be no reset (where we take 5 out) this Sunday, a detail that didn't occur to any of us when we talked. Needless to say, I'll do whatever she says.

Coming from a 2-week vacation from orgasm denial, I can say that I'm looking forward to start again. True, the first week, between December 25 and January 1, we had sex on 6 out of 7 nights, all with orgasms for both of us, but I think that the excitement of me being suddenly free wore off for her, because on the second week, even though I wanted to continue the sex-spree, Miss V reverted to old patterns of not feeling sexy or erotic at all, and just ignoring me for the most part. This is how things were before she started denying me, so I know something in my sexually-satiated behavior drives her away, and it probably is my lack of romanticism.

It was in this context that she said that our sex is better when I am in denial. (She didn't use those words, but said that "it works better when we play the game"). I happily reported that in my previous post, but it may have been premature because afterwards, she became very casual and said that she didn't care if we did orgasm denial or not, that it was the same for her, and that I'd have to tell her if I wanted to stop or continue. I said please continue and she said OK, so I'm encouraged that she is going to continue, but have lost some of the exuberant hope to take things to the next level.

I guess there are a couple of reasons why the relationship works better in her view when I'm in orgasm denial, which coincide with what some of the more serious sources say:

  1. I have given her permission to not HAVE to have sex unless she wants to (she actually used the word 'permission' in this context before, and I wrote about it)
  2. I have paid more attention to her in our daily lives. I have been pursuing and courting her consistently.
I wish there were more reasons, but I think the idea of all the power that she has (and she has noticed the amount of power available) is a little intimidating to her, because she doesn't want to abuse it. I need to make sure that I remain vigilant and constant in showing her love, gratitude and appreciation.

For now, she just called to let me know that she arrived at her destination safely and that is too tired to talk, so she hung up.

We'll see how it goes without her...

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Orgasmic Vacation...

I have been very limited in my private time during the holidays, and my computer is located in a public area of the house (bad decision, getting a desktop, I know) so I have not been able to post anything for a few weeks.

First things first: I reset the orgasm counter on this page on January 1, as planned. My new year's resolution is to give Miss V. 200 orgasms in 2013. This may be high, but I think that if I am disciplined enough to encourage her playing more often, and if she continues to have 2 or 3 orgasms when I'm denied, it might be an achievable goal.

So, we have been on an orgasm denial hiatus for the past two weeks. When Miss V asked me what I wanted for Christmas I said that I wanted sex, so she offered to stop our orgasm denial game for a week, between Christmas and New Year's Day, but then decided to extend it to 2 weeks, until January 7, when she will leave on a business trip. This means that we have been having sex almost daily, with full orgasms for me, and I still have a few more days of "freedom" ahead.

Looking back, I have to say that I have enjoyed it very much. Miss V. has worn sexy outfits to bed almost every night, and I have been voracious in my appetite for her. During these past week and a half, I have not mentioned orgasm denial, but she has, and repeatedly, which I consider a good sign.

She has mentioned several times that on the day she leaves, our game starts again, and that I have one week to accumulate as many green marbles as I can, because when she returns there will be a surprise, and she hopes it will be a good surprise, not a bad one.

One day, while I was doing what I thought was perfectly acceptable foreplay, Miss V told me that she was not in the mood and that I was not helping. Then she said something that I'm still ruminating.

"This is the reason why it is better when we play the game," she said. "Because when you are playing, you talk sexy to me all day, and it gets me in the mood."

I guess is her way of saying that she has found some benefit in me being under our arrangement, which is a good thing. The real good thing is that now she WANTS to begin again, and I have not had to push or anything, so our position has gained some leverage in the sense that now she knows she wants to control my orgasms at least a little, and I'm not the only one wanting this.

One thing I've been doing during this free time, is collecting all the rules and changes and adaptations that we have made to our game so I can have them in one place. I am writing them down (on paper) and when I'm done, I'll give them to Miss V. for revision and will publish them here. This will help maintain a clear idea of what we are doing and what we need to change. It will also help me articulate some things that we have been "doing" but have not really "agreed" to, and some things that we have agreed to without being very specific. I want to present the rules to Miss V. electronically while she is on her trip, so that they are reviewed and fully in place by the time she returns.

The next stage if our arrangement is for Miss V to acknowledge and verbalize her control over me. I know she is ready for this, and hope that it comes sooner rather than later. However, contrary to the old days when I was hoping for her to go into some unknown territory unguided and without any idea of what I hoped, this time, things are different, because having left the proverbial closet, I have been very open in sharing my fantasies with her, and slowly, she has begun to enjoy the benefits as well.

So 5 more free days before I go on a week of abstinence (her trip) and who knows what afterwards (the game resumes)

Now that the visits are over, and people go back to their normal lives, I might be able to post a little more, so see you soon...