Wednesday, October 17, 2012

I have a bad feeling about this...

Today is day 8 of denial for me. Sadly, there has not been much in the teasing department since V is very tired from work.

This is the time when my brain begins to play tricks on me and I start having uncontrolled feelings of being unloved, unappreciated and undesired. This has happened before, and I know that the feelings are unfounded, but I still get them anyway. The trick is not to let them come out, because they are frustrating and confusing to Miss V, who wants to please me, but gets the mixed signal of my negative feelings.

Last night, after earning two green marbles, one for working out and another for doing the list of chores that V texted me, she came home and told me that yet again, she was too tired for sex. She must have seen or perceived my frustration, because she added:

"Let's see what color of marble you get, if it's green, I'll let you do stuff, but if it's green, you will go to sleep."

The marble came out red. She laughed, stuck her tongue at me and wished me a good night, but as she was closing her eyes, she added something troubling.

"It looks like you are never going to have sex again."

When she said that, I got an almost immediate erection, which I tried to hide because it could give the wrong idea. Of course I don't want to be permanently denied! I'm having a hard time with the 8 days I'm in right now. The reason for the erection, is that Miss V used her erotic power. I would have gotten an erection all the same if she would have said "Kneel right here and lick my pussy, biatch" and it would have been a much more agreeable use of her power, but even though her threat was not for something good, the fact that she knew she could make it, made me feel her power.
Anyway, enough trying to rationalize the erection. The facts are that she threatened me with permanent denial and I got an erection. Everything else is speculation on my part.

So, she noticed my erection anyway and grabbed it, but only with her fingertips.

"Aww, look how cute you are!" she said giving it a little shake. "Look how cute!"

Then, my beautiful, lovely wife pulled me towards her so we were facing each other, placed my penis between her knees and fell asleep. I dripped a lot of pre-cum on her legs, and stayed there, enjoying this little gift until I became soft and my penis slipped back out of her wet, slippery legs.

Oh, I'm so horny right now!

Monday, October 15, 2012

Hard Deals and Back to 1

This week, Miss V began a new practice. She would text me during the day to say something like: "Earn an extra green marble by:" followed by a list of chores that she wants me to do. The list has been long, which was to be expected when she told me that the extra marbles would be hard to get, and some days I could not manage to complete them.

On Monday, I did all the chores, but had no time for working out, so when she texted me on Tuesday, she said that the extra marble would only be obtained if I got the first one (working out).

By Tuesday night, I had three green marbles, one from Monday and two from Tuesday, and when she drew, a green one came out. That was unusual because 3 marbles represent only an 18% probability, so on Tuesday I had release. This has been my last. Miss V had no interest in anything from Wednesday to Saturday, and the couple of times I approached her, she said "I'm fine, thank you."

Saturday night, she decided to pull a marble again, and this time it came red. I had a 42% chance of getting a green one, but that was not to be.

I asked her what she wanted me to do with the red marble and she said that I'd have to massage her feet and legs, because they were really tired. I completed a very long massage, in which she was very pleased. Then she told me that she was grateful and that she was about to go to sleep.

"Okay," I said resigned, but she began to laugh and pulled my head with her leg towards her crotch, allowing me to kiss her briefly.

"Come over here, boy," she said. "I'm not done with you yet."

So I climbed over her and made love to her until she told me to stop and go to sleep.

I obediently did as I was told, and remained sexually frustrated.

Yesterday was Sunday, and according to the rules of the game, I have to remove 5 green marbles from the container and replace them with red ones, so now I have only one green marble left.

I believe I forgot to mention that I chickened out and begged for a change in the rule that every Sunday Miss V was going to remove 7 marbles from the container, so she was generous and changed it to 5.

I have started to feel the effects of Miss V coming to enjoy her position of power and they are a bit scary. Her "deals" have been very hard, almost impossible, and I have not been able to take advantage of them every day. I have to accept whatever she offers, though, because this is the manner in which she has chosen to exercise her dominance.

One of the days this week when I earned the two green marbles, I think that was Thursday, Miss V cam home and found all those chores done and told me that she loved the way she could get me to do anything she wanted.

"You have no idea," I said, and she chuckled.

I think she does...

Saturday, October 13, 2012

A Very Bad (good) Deal

This post continues right where the previous one left off, on last Saturday's afternoon.

So there I was, waiting all afternoon. I gave myself an enema and was all ready for Miss V. The level of horniness was very high, and I could barely resist the urge of taking matters into my own hands, to use the common expression, but the thought of possibly experiencing an orgasm solely from anal stimulation kept me away from temptation.

Miss V arrived late, as usual, and told me right away that she was too tired to do anything (bummer...) and that I should be ready tomorrow (Sunday). We had another commitment Sunday morning, so I knew this didn't mean the morning and that I would have to clean myself again. I don't know if taking enemas in three consecutive days is healthy, but that was exactly what I was going to have to do, and the one from Saturday had not been very pleasant and had given me some cramps. Any tips on this would be appreciated. Please note that I have to self administer the enemas, because Miss V doesn't want top be involved, so being "tortured" by the process is not in the least stimulating.

Anyway, the next day went as usual as we went through our respective commitments. I think it was about 2:00 in the afternoon when I took the enema and cleansed myself. This time it didn't hurt, but I had a hard time keeping it in place. Maybe I lubricated it too much, I think, but I did so because the enemas dry my anus up and I was trying to keep it hydrated.

Miss V came home and worked on something else while I waited, patiently, not pestering her, for her signal. It didn't come until nightfall, when she went to the bedroom.

The first thing she did when I walked into the room was to ask for my marbles, which I immediately gave to her. I had 8 green and 8 red ones, so 50% probability. I really wanted a green one to come up, because I was super-horny, but when she pulled it out, it was red.

I was kind of frustrated because I had been waiting so long, but I managed to sigh, smile and ask Miss V what she wanted to do.

"I'm going to do stuff to you," she said, to my great relief and gratitude. "But you are not allowed to enjoy them. If you show the smallest degree of enjoyment, I will stop."

I felt a tug in my underwear at those words, but I kept my straight face and agreed to her terms.

"I want you to be very unhappy," she added.

I saw this as an opening for me and I suggested that I was more than willing to resist, if she wanted and to make her tie me up, but that I was concerned that if I showed displeasure, she would stop to ask me if I was okay, and that would ruin the effect.

"I do that, eh?" she said smiling. "I know, I'd like to make you cry, but if you did, I'd wonder if I was doing it wrong and would have to stop and ask."

"Look," I said, almost panting in anticipation as she put her strapon on and adjusted it into place. "Let's do this. If I really need you to stop I'll say "Rumpelstinkin". If I don't say it, you can ignore whatever else I say and keep going.

She liked the idea.

"Take off your clothes and come here," she said pointing at the side of the bed. "Now!"

I dropped my clothes off as fast as I could, but it was not fast enough, because she pulled me over and gave me a few swats with the kitchen spatula. One of them came the wrong was and hurt more than usual, but no way I was going to say Rumpelstinkin, so I just took it.

Then she laid back in bed and presented her dildo up.

"Here," she said, handing me the bottle of lubricant. "Do your job".

I lubricated her shaft, feeling a little awkward as she laughed at me.

"Is this okay?" I asked after every inch was glossy with the slippery stuff.

"I don't know," she said. "That's your problem."

So I put a bit more.

After that, she made me bend over the side of the bed, in the same position she has taken me before, but this time, instead of going straight for the sex, she gave me a spanking. It wasn't a super hard spanking, since she is not ready for that yet, but she didn't stop to ask me if I was all right and that allowed me to get a bit into what I think others refer to as sub-space.

I think I was there, or getting there, because when she placed the head of her dildo against my ass, I was startled and surprised, as if I had forgotten what I had been waiting all day for.

She did me from behind longer and harder than she has ever done. She also pulled herself over me to stare at my face and threatened me with stopping if I was enjoying, but I kept squirming and saying no every time she asked me if I wanted what she was doing to me. She also smacked me on the thighs and bottom as she did.

Then she said that she was tired and that my time was up.

I begged for more, and she consented to let me ride her dildo. I lubricated it again as she laid back and in no time I had placed two pillow under her hips and was on top of her, getting the full length inside me. We did this for a while, and twice I almost felt that an orgasm was near, but it faded. Then she said that it was time for me to stop, because I looked like I was enjoying it and I was not supposed to.

This time I almost cried, and it was for real.

"Please," I begged. "Please let me cum!"

She said that I could not and that maybe next time.

"I'll pay!" I said, not really knowing what I was getting into. "Please! I'll give up all my green marbles if you let  me cum!"

"Really?" she asked, laughing. "You are willing to give up all your marbles for one orgasm?"

"Yes!" I yelled as she continued laughing and pumping her dildo up my ass. "Yes, please!"

She pondered for a long second and then said "okay".

She grabbed my penis with her left hand, and it drove me crazy with lust and desire.

"Oh, look," she said. "This must be the best of both worlds."

I said yes.

"You can come now," she said sweetly, as I went further and further into ecstasy.

"I want you to make me," I said in what must have sounded like a ridiculous moan.

"Come now, baby!" She said and smacked my behind with the spatula.

She noticed my strong reaction and kept on telling me to come and spanking me until I exploded all over her belly and chest in one of the most powerful orgasms that I've ever had.

"What have I done?" I asked after the tremors of orgasm subsided. "What possessed me to make this deal?"

Miss V laughed again, asked me to get out and to get her something to clean herself.

After I showered and washed the dildo I came back into the room, and she was there in all her beautiful glory, looking at me in her loving way.

"Change the marbles, baby," she said. "I want to see them all red."

"I can't believe I did this," I said as the red marbles, all 16 of them clinked into the container. "You know the last time I had 16 red marbles it took me 11 days to pull a green one?"

"Ouch," she said.

Sometimes, not always, but sometimes...
"I'm going to offer you a deal," she continued as I laid in bed next to her. "I will give you a list of things to do for extra marbles."

My ears perked at that, because it is an extension of what she has been doing into other areas.

"It won't be easy," she explained. "But you will have the opportunity to accelerate your green marbles. Do you want to do this?"

"Yes," I said promptly.

So after Sunday, this is how the deal stood:
  1. I began the week with 16 red marbles, having used the 8 green ones to pay for one orgasm. 
  2. Miss V is going to offer extra green marbles for performing other acts of service to her.
Several days have passed and I have seen what the offered deals have been, but this will have to be the subject of another post. for now, I will say that I have mixed feelings about the deal, which can be summarized as follows:

  1. Afraid that I will be denied more because of the 16 red marbles.
  2. Excited that I will be denied more for the same reason
  3. Surprised that Miss V is extending the game beyond me working out
  4. Concerned about what acts of service Miss V will demand
  5. Happy to see Miss V growing in her confidence and dominance.
So, in the end, I can honestly say that the horrible deal I begged for turned out to be pretty darned good, don't you think?

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Teased and Waiting...

After a week of almost no contact, Saturday morning was here, and with it all the horniness of many days of unspent sexual energy. We cuddled in bed for a while, talking of inconsequential matters until Miss V asked for the marbles.

"Let me see what color you get today," she said and proceeded to pull a red marble of the container. "You have bad luck." She said, grabbing my member under the sheets and starting to stroke. "But that's all right, because I'm red too."

I groaned inwardly. The thought that she is unavailable after all these days of wait made me feel as if the world had turned against me, but I made an effort to continue being pleasant, because Miss V is not at fault if the world has a personal vendetta against me, is she? No, it is not easy to keep your perspective and realize that the universe doesn't revolve around your needs when all you are thinking about is sex, but you can always try.

One day, my friends... one day
The warm, soft body against yours and the slow but deliciously evil stroking didn't help, but oh, boy! Were they good!

"What were you planning to do if the marble was green?" I asked.

"I would have screwed you," she said promptly. "But you know what? Maybe I will still screw you later, except that you will not be allowed to cum."

If you have been reading this, you know I have yet to have an orgasm solely from anal stimulation, but every time I've been screwed, it has been on a green marble day, so I have been able to turn the tables on Miss V and finish inside her. I cannot help but wonder how I will feel when this changes.

After that, she ordered me to kiss her breasts, which I did with enthusiasm, and then to bite her neck. As I moved to switch from breasts to neck, she interrupted me.

"Finish one thing before starting the next," she said, and I spent a few more delicious minutes roaming around her chest.

I told her how much I loved to imagine she was forcing me to do such things, to which she said that she was making me do them. I thank her and explained that the reason I got to aroused by her spanking while I kissed her feet was because in my fantasy, she was forcing me to do it. She laughed and told me that the reason I did it was because she made me. I could not tell if she was playing along or she really felt that she had forced me into it. Anyway, it was my first try at the approach I described in my last post HERE.

She told me I had to make her breakfast, and specified what I needed to make her, then said that if I wanted to spent more time with her, I would drive her to her work, because otherwise she would have to leave me earlier so she could catch the bus. Making her breakfast and taking her to work were two vanilla activities, but the way she used me to accomplish them, and the way she assumed that being with her was benefit enough for me to desire to drive her to work, made me feel very submissive.

I accepted eagerly and she said again that she is going to screw me when she comes back. She added this time that if I work out before she comes back, since this is a different day, she may pick a marble again.

So here I am, teased, with many days of denial under my belt (literally, although I'm wearing no belt) and waiting for my princess to come home and take me from behind with her purple dildo...


Friday, October 5, 2012

Vanilla Submission

Looking past into earlier posts on this blog reminds me how frustrated I was, how little progress I had and how many needs and cravings I was not having satisfied because I did not have the nerve to come clean and confess to Miss V.

Looking at more recent entries, I'm amazed at the progress we have made. From not being able to even talk about these things, to being taken from behind with the strapon. From not being able to serve to being ordered to do so, and without reward. Much of the progress has been so sudden that I have found it hard to explain, however, I found this blog HERE, where they talk about Vanilla Dominants (and if you remember my early posts, you know my wife is Vanilla) and how to better encourage them to become dominant. One of the common themes throughout the blog is that one has to create a safe space (a firewall, he calls it sometimes) around the kinky space, so the Vanilla partner doesn't feel threatened by the changes in the relationship. In reading this blog, I came to realize that I had been applying some of its principles without even knowing it, and that gives some explanation to my success.

  • I have given permission to V to be "bad" in a safe environment (no consequences)
  • I stopped being subservient in daily life and confessed to my desire of sexual domination
  • I provided an excuse for V to deny me without feeling responsible (the marbles game)
  • I have pleased her in any way she has requested, even if her requests are mostly vanilla
I could go on, but I think that you better go read his blog for yourself. You can find it by clicking on its tile here: How do I get my partner to dominate me?

Now before you go thinking that I have all this figured out, here is a gold nugget I found there about the need to "negotiate" instead of trying stealth submission and I am going to try with Miss V.


Humans are most comfortable with like-for-like. 'Fessing up that bringing your lover a cup of coffee gets you wet or hard... well that might be a little creepy or freaky. And, since D&S looks erotic to an outsider, it's probably a bad idea to rush to reveal any kind of submissive pleasure from any non-sexual act.

Instead, when you're doing something obviously one-sided in bed, share what's in your mind.

For example; "Giving you head turns me on because I'm pretending I'm your slave."

Then, depending on their reaction, float the idea. Don't make a big thing of it, and don't be apologetic either. All you’re asking for is a spice. "Next time I'm going to wear a slave collar."

Then follow through and actually produce—in this example—the collar.

From then on, refuse to perform the submissive act without that collar. At the same time offer your slave whenever appropriate, and make it clear that the slave is available on demand.

Isn't this negotiation?

Yes, it is—technically—negotiation. However, it's not about demanding particular scenes or actions. It's about bringing what's already there to the surface where you can both see it, and about making a distinction between your everyday self and your slave self.

It's not unreasonable to say "I will happily be your slave if you will treat me as one."

It's also—possibly—permission for your partner

We subs forget that taking the dominant role requires playing at being evil. This is especially true for service-orientated. (If the dominant partner is mostly topping, then they are fairly obviously giving pleasure to their sub.)

This means that very
vanilla people with dominant leanings will rarely admit how much kinky pleasure they get from your submission.

Who knows? Perhaps when you're giving your partner oral service, he or she is privately imagining you are wearing a steel collar and can shortly be dismissed back to your cage. There's only one way to find out...


There you have it.

So here is my next goal:

In a calm, relaxed manner, when the time seems appropriate, and when Miss V is in a sexy mood, I will confess that the reason her spanking me or pegging me makes me so horny is that I like to imagine that she is forcing me to do it. I will repeat to her my assertion that I love to serve her and Love it when she uses her erotic power to control me for the same reasons and will ask her to treat me as if she was forcing me to serve her.

Okay, just writing that paragraph game me an erection.

Aren't we just plain weird?

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Failures, Lessons and Denial Part 2

NOTE: This post continues the previous post. If you have not read that one, click HERE.

The same day I had my orgasm last week, I failed again. I have no idea why. I just started playing with what should by right be Miss V's toy and before I knew it, bam! I did not expect that it would happen as quickly as it did, because I had just had an orgasm, but somehow it happened.

I believe I have mentioned here that I have been edging every once in a while, but so far, I have mostly avoided getting past the point of no return. I know it was an accident and accidents happen, especially when you walk too close to the cliff, but it still makes me feel miserable. I went back to the bedroom, where V was, with the intention of telling her that I had failed but when I saw her face and she smiled at me, I just couldn't. At that moment I felt small and undeserving of someone such as her, and once again, renewed my purpose of serving and honoring her.

I wonder what would happen if I were to ask her to put me in a device, but I think I have given her enough for now to last a long time and I don;t want to go to far too quick. Besides, I don't know what I'd do if she decides that I need to be denied longer than I find bearable.

After this day, three days passed in which I was not exactly denied, but basically didn't have any contact whatsoever with Miss V. Right now, she is involved in a special project that keeps her away from home late and will last until the end of November, so I'm not seeing much of her during the week.

On Wednesday, she texted me several times while I was at work and told me through her various messages that she missed me, really missed me, and that I needed to make sure I worked out, because she wanted to play a marble that night. She also suggested that I may want to take a nap because she was going to be later than usual.

I did as I was told in terms of working out, although I had no time for a nap before she came home. When she came, she went directly for bed and pulled a marble. It was RED, which I found surprising because I had many more GREEN ones. Seeing the RED marble made me feel a bit of fear, because if I don't get together with Miss V that often, who knows when I will be able to have another orgasm without cheating.

For the RED marble, V asked me to give her a foot massage. I prepared the lotion, and knelt on the bed next to her to massage her feet. As I had hoped, V took the kitchen spatula and smacked my bottom a couple times with it, ordering me to massage her right, but she didn't want to spank me because she was tired.

After the massage, I turned around with the intention of pleasuring her, but she had other plans.

"Now," she said. "I'm going to turn around and sleep. Good night."

And that was that.

The next day, I waited for her again, and when she went to bed, I more or less gave her the marbles, and by that I mean that as we talked about the long day we had, I grabbed the container and placed it in her hand, even though she had not asked for it. She didn't seem to care and we continued our conversation for a while before she shook the container and opened it, pulling a marble from it.

RED again.

This time, she wanted me to take her from behind, in spooning position, with zero foreplay. I did, but soon after  we started, I felt an orgasm building up and V pulled out, leaving me panting.

"I know what you want," she said. "Bad boy!"

I calmed down and asked her if she wanted to continue and she said that my marble had been red and I would not be getting any. She added that I owed her big time, but so far nothing has happened.

I could not help but wonder why I was about to have an orgasm so fast, both when I masturbated and when I was making love to V. I am used to last long enough for V to have two or three orgasms before I either have mine, or have to pull out. I hope this is not a new trend.

So, there you have it. by using V's Toy and by not being able to give her an orgasm when she requested one, I can add two more failures to the list.

And I am still being denied.