Wednesday, October 13, 2010

She ask + I add = Conflict

This mornign I was not feeling too good, so i decided to call work and ask for a sick day off. My plan was to take some medicine, rest and then clean a little around the house, unasked.

When V got up she told me that the house was a mess (I knew that) and asked me if I could clean the kitchen. I smiled and told her I'd do it. Then she asked me if I would cook dinner also. She was a little tentative, as if she was not sure if i was going to say yes, which obviously i did.

After she was gone, I rested a little, as I intended to do. Then I got up and got to work.

I felt good because I was doing as she asked, but I think I needed a little more domination, because I made up some fantasy while I worked.

I knelt down for a while, imagining that it was V who had ordered me to, then I placed a small vibrator up my behind, put a pair of underpants on (I don't own panties, and V's are too small) and pulled them up, so they fit like a g-string to both stimulate and hold the vibrator in place. In addition to the underpants, I only used a white apron.

Needless to say, every time I bent over or reached, the vibrator was pushed in and I imagined it was V pushing it. I did all the dishes and then came to the bedroom to adjust the 'items' because they were falling out of place. Then I realized that the underpants were not strong enough to hold the vibrator in place for an extended period, so I tied two leather belts together and tied them from the crotch to the left shoulder. Now it was really tight, and I could feel the vibrator pushing my insides every time I reached up. I moped the floor that way, and it took quite a while, because I was enjoying the process.

After I finished, I felt guilty for enjoying so much and fantasized that V was not pleased with how much fun I was having and ordered to my knees again. This time I knelf in front of the mirror and took a third leather belt and belted myself good until my behind was hot and red.

This is not the first time I punish myself with a belt, but having another leather belt between my butt cheeks protected the anus and testicles from accidental impacts and that allowed me to hit to my heart's content. I don't even remember how many times I took the belt today, but I remember that at some point I started hitting as hard as I could and it kept hurting less and less. I guess that was because of the famous endorphins that people keep talking about, but I didn't feel any rush or dizziness or anything like that.

After I finished the punishment, I knelt, kissed the belt and thanked my imaginary mistress for taking the time to discipline me.

The girls were about to come back from school, so I cleaned the stuff, got dressed and watched some TV.

When V came home, we ate together and she asked me how my day had gone. I said that it had been great and she asked me if I wanted to be a stay at home dad.

I said that it would be lovely, but everyone took it as a joke, and I didn't want to clarify because the family was present. Of course, being a stay at home dad is not possible for me right now, because I make six-figures and my wife is back in college, but the idea is attractive.

Now, as I prepare to sleep, I have a conflict of feelings. On the one hand, my submissiveness was sated. I feel that I served V and that made the day good, but on the other hand, I feel that I cheated, because I played a scene by myself. It's funny how I can at the same time feel like V actually did the stuff I fantasized about, while at the same time I doubt she'll ever do anything like this, even if she accepted my submission to her.

I don't think what I did today is healthy. I remember when I was single and I became addicted to masturbation. It was a very hard time, as at the worst point, the addiction took most of my waking hours. I would even park the car on the side of the freeway so i could jerk off, because I had been driving for two hours. What ended up happening was that my hand became more attractive than my girlfriend, and I evenually broke up with her (the girlfriend, not the hand). It took me years to sober up from my addiction and I don't want to develop a new one, unless is to my wife.

I think that if I continue doing what I did today, there is teh possibility that I might separate my feelings of submission from the person my submission is directed to, and that would be disastrous. This is the main reason for me not to approach professional dommes. I have feelings of submission for V, and don't think that such feelings should be allowed to wander in any other direction. Right now, because my fantasy involved her and only her, I feel as if it's okay, but fantasy can be very powerful, especially when one lacks reality, so it is something I have to watch carefully.

And I'm not even going to talk about how my butt feels right now, both from the couple of hours of the vibrator and the violent encounter with the belt... All I will say is that I wish it had been V the one who caused it. Then there would be none of this conflict.

Almost told her?

After V came home last night, she went straight to bed. I was there, just having finished the posts I wrote yesterday. I was pleasantly surprised when she laid down and asked me to bring her chocolate pudding and put the girls to sleep.

After sendignthe girls to bed, I brought her the chocolate pudding and as she ate it, I took her socks off and gave her a foot rub with some lotion. While I did that, she pulled her laptop from gher bedside table and checked her email. I asked her if she liked it, she said yes. I kissed her feet several times, and when she told me that they stunk, I said that they smelled like cherry blossoms (that was the fragance of the lotion).

"Do you think I'm weird?" I asked after kissing her feet once more.

"Yes, honey, you are."

"Do you love me anyway?" I asked with a smile. I'm confident that she still loves me.

"Yes, baby, I love you."

After this, she signaled for me to get in bed with her and we had vanilla sex. I apologized in advance, because as soon as we started, I knew I was not going to last long. She spanked me once, which only made matters worse (better?).

"You owe me," she said when I finished and could not go no more. "You owe me big time."

"How can I make it up to you?"

"I don't know," she said. "But you owe me big time."

Now, if we were already in a FLR, I would be shaking in my proberbial boots if she said that. As it is, I know she won't do anything about it.

After that, I went to check if the girls had actually gone to bed (they hadn't). And when I returned, she asked me if I knew a particular story. At first I didn't remember it, but then she said a few things and I did remember the story. I told her I knew it and she asked me to tell it to her, because she's working on it at school and the version they have was a little strange.

The story deals with a king that sees a girls dance and filling himself with lust, offers her anything she wants, even up to half his kingdom. Of course, the girl asks for something the king doesn't want to give, but that is another story. The main point here is that after the girl asked, he felt compelled to give her what she asked for, and he did.

"That is the amazing power a woman can have over a man, " I told my wife. "I think that after seeing her dance, he had no hope. He was in her power."

"Yes," said my wife, yawning. "I think so."

"You know?" I asked, venturing a little into 'Fearland'. "That is the same power you have over me. I think I would totally give you half my kingdom if you asked for it... Heck, I think I already gave you half my kingdom!"

"Yes, you did," said V simply with a smile.

"I totally love doing what you ask me to," I said.

She smiled again and thanked me for the story.

I don't think she understood the magnitude of what I just told her, but it doesn't matter. THe idea is that I am 'coming out' a little and this may pave the way for bigger and better things. So, No, I didn't tell her, but I breached the subject and she didn't panic.

Let's see where I can bring this next time.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Same o' same o'

Nothing has changed.

I'm still in the same "I don't dare telling my wife how I feel about submitting to her" mood I have been for the recemt past.

This must be so boring to read about that I don't even care to write about it. However, I have been sexless for several days and feel more submissive than usual.

V is not home right now, and instead of taking the chance to serve her by cleaning the house and doing shores, I spent the time surfing submissive material on the web. Bad. I wish V would punish me, but I guess it will never happen.

We haven't had a fight for years now, which is a good thing.

Today, I was fantasizing about proposing an experiment to my wife. I thought about telling my wife that I wanted to experiment with orgasm control, because I read something about the energy and creativity that can be unleashed when diverting sexual energy to something else. I thought about it at work and for a while it seemed like it could work. I would tell her that in order for the experiment to work, I needed her to be the decider as to when I could have an orgasm, but don't tell me. I wanted to ask her to stop me after having her own orgasm and teling me that "it was not time yet". It sounded like something I could do, and I thought "wow! I can do this!" but then I came home and she was not here and now I'm not so sure and I think I'm pathetic and hate myself for being such a coward (and I better stop, because I'm beginning to sound like a teenaged girl)

In truth I don't hate myself. I just hate how I dare not opening up to my wife.

Who knows, maybe I'll dare propose a little experiment to her. I don't know how to get her to tease me and deny me, though, or to order me to provide her with acts of personal service. I'll have to think more about this, I guess, but the thinking is what kills my resolve. Sometimes I think that maybe I can write something and leave it where she "accidentally" finds it, but then I think it is not honest.

I wish she would catch me doing this blog and make me confess everything. Sometimes I feel like being rejected may be better than having this deep need hidden in uncertainty.

I'm probably not being very coherent right now, but I have been denied for 4 days (not in the nice way, but just because my wife is too busy and tired) and I'm horny as hell...

Monday, June 21, 2010

Too busy or not too busy...

V and I are moving to a new home and we have been extremely busy. Needless to say, for the most part her choices have been honored. True, she asks me and listens to my opinions, but it is ultimately her opinion that counts.

I like it that way. It somehow feeds my submissiveness, even though only a little.

It would be better if she would acknowledge her dominance, I know, but we are moving slowly there. today my wife made an interesting observation. She said that she has noticed that I love her more when I have a hard time at work.

I found it interesting that she noticed that the more hectic, erratic and hectic my work life is, the more I need to submit to the stability and steady hand of my wife. I told her that when life becomes unstable, a man needs the stability of his relationship to keep his balance and preserve his sanity. I wanted to say more, but the children were present. All I wanted was to scream that I needed her to guide me, to lead me with a firm but loving hand to whatever her whims desire.

I asked her if she needed anything from me and she told me that she wanted me to go to sleep to recover my energy so I could become my usual happy self.

If only I could tell her what would really bring the happy into the open...

Friday, April 30, 2010

Resolution Status

Wednesday afternoon my wife and I made up a few times in the kitchen. When later we went to bed, she told me she was tired and wanted to sleep so I "was not getting any". I smiled and told her that of course we could sleep.

Thursday morning, I woke up with an erection and wanting my wife very much. I started kissing her and caressing her legs and she toyed with my hard penis a little. She told me we could not do anything because it was late and we needed to leave. I started to get up when she grabbed me and asked me "who said you could leave?" I smiled and laid there with her some more, until she let go of me and told me to go to work.

I went to the bathroom, shaved and brushed my teeth and my erection didn't go away, so when I walked into the room I pointed at it and told V that I would be thinking about her during the day. She teased me saying "Good, but don't break anything"

I had a good day, thought about her and sent her an email from work telling her so.

When I came home, she was getting ready to leave and I was to stay with the kids. She didn't ask me to do anything, but said "Oh my god, this house is disgusting!" and then she added "It never ends! The laundry! The dishes!" I made a mental note of her subliminal message (you see? even ol' me can learn)

As soon as she left I went to work, to follow my new resolutions and did some work around the house. I did not do all by myself, but assigned some tasks to the kids. I selfishly kept the laundry and the dishes for myself, though since I know those were the ones my wife mentioned.

When she arrived, she commented that the house looked better and thanked me, but she had stuff to do, even though it was late. I'm glad my work ends at the end of my work day and I don't have to bring "homework"

She kissed me and went straight to sleep. It felt really good to be helping her around the house again. I was not sleepy so I read a book I got called "Uniquely Rika" that showed me an interesting perspective on D/s relationships. I won't comment about it now, because it probably deserves another post, but it was interesting.

I was up early this morning, way before the alarm and ready with another erection, but this time, motivated by what I read in Mistress Rika's book, I took the initiative and grabbed my wife. She responded by setting herself sideways, so we could spoon. Whenever she does this is an invitation for sex, but she wants to be passive and wants me to give it to her from behind.

I did it, but I know that she usually doesn't get orgasms that way, so after a while I turned her over and made love on top of her. I asked her if she was done before I came and she said "Oh, yes!"

Today, I took her out to dinner and bough her a watch she needed. While we checked the watches I saw her inspecting a necklace and when she put it back on the rack I asked her if she liked it and she said, "I love it, but may be some other time." I grabbed it and gave it to her. "You deserve it." I said. She took it and was very happy about it.

I'm feeling way better about myself and about my resolutions. I have to share more about what I sent her on an email (that she has not responded yet to) and about Mistress Rika's book.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Quest Renewed

After the comments left by At All Times in my latest post and reading the blog A Wonderful Journey, I have thought hard about my desires to submit.

Do I really want to submit to V?

Am I willing to do whatever she needs me to do to make her happy, satisfy her needs and encourage her dominance, in that order?

Why do I become lazy and unenthusiastic sometimes?

After much thought, I have decided that I can't give up my quest. I have lived with the need to submit for many years, even though I only identified what my "problem" was until a few years ago, and can't afford to continue living life unfulfilled. If I'm unfulfilled and frustrated I won't be able to make my wife as happy as she deserves to be. If I search for release of my need to submit on other women, even imaginary ones, I would be unfaithful to the one who gives me her everything. I can't do that. My relationship is sacred and permanent. I can't be unfaithful to V.

So, what's left?

This is it. I have to do it. She doesn't know what I need and I'm too afraid to tell her, so I'll have to be patient and understanding. I have come to the following resolutions:







All of the above will be my work for the future.

I started immediately by cleaning our room before going to bed last night. She noticed that I tidied up a little and mentioned it.

Later today, or tomorrow, I will continue with what happened at night and at morning, and also with whatever act of service I perform tonight. There's much to do and she's going out, so perhaps I'll be able to do quite a bit.

We'll see...


Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Poor Behavior

I have not been acting very submissive as of late.

I keep wishing that V's dominance would grow, but the truth is that I am not doing much to actually turn the dream into reality. Lately I have been lazy and not very attentive.

My laziness has not been limited to my service to V, but to many other areas of my behavior. I have not completed several things I was suppossed to do around the house, and my performance at work is suffering as well. If I were to describe it, I'd say I have a severe case of "the Mondays", except that it's not Monday, and it happens evey day.

She has done a little bit in the arena of telling me to do things, like last Saturday, when she gave me a list of things to do. I felt a tingle when I saw the list and I completed every single activity. That night she thanked me, kissed me good night and I felt the satisfaction of having done my part in pleasing her. However that day was the exception rather than the rule. I've not been very helpful as of late and I think the progress I had achieved has been lost, at least in part.

I will try to get into gear again, because I still feel submissive, but I'm submissive and lazy right now, which is not a good combination in stealth submission.

I tremble in fear when thinking that perhaps the reason I feel so lazy is because I'm having too many orgasms. My wife has become a little more interested in sex as of late, something that may have ben caused by me helping her more around the house, and although it had been a desire of mine for years, having more sex may be effecting a change in my submissive feelings.

One of the common threads I've found in the literature available is that men are less submissive and less attentive right after they are sexually satisfied, so I think I may not be too far from reality on my thinking.

I had sex with V this morning, and yesterday morning, and the day before. Although we have always been sexually active, it's unusual to have sex consecutively, especially at a time when she is very busy in her personal life. As a matter of fact, V wanted to have sex last nigth, but arrived too tired and asked me to wake her up in the morning.

Her mentrual cycle is approaching and she will have to deny me for a few days. We'll see if I become less lazy when not being released.

For now, I'm thinking of ways to be asked do be of more service. She is definitely asking for more chores, like today when she left and asked me to cook and feed the kids, which I happily did, however, the dishes are dirty and the living room is a mess and I feel "too tired" to do anything. I better shape up or my relationship is going to go down the drain to the place it was before when V could not trust me to remember any promise (much less keep it) or be of any help. We are not there yet, but sliding down is much easier than climbing up, so I better watch it...

Now I need to go back and see that they are getting ready for bed.

Friday, April 23, 2010

When Nature Wants a Man

by Angela Morgan
When Nature wants to drill a man
and thrill a man and skill a man,
When Nature wants to mould a man
To play the noblest part;
When she yearns with all her heart
To create so great and bold a man
That all the world shall praise
Watch her method, watch her ways!
How she ruthlessly perfects
Whom she royally elects;
How she hammers him and hurts him
and with mighty blows converts him
Into trial shapes of clay
which only Nature understands
While his tortured heart is crying
and he lifts beseeching hands!
How she bends, but never breaks,
When his good she undertakes...
How she uses whom she chooses
and with every purpose fuses him.
By every art induces him
to try his splendor out
Nature knows what she's about.
When Nature wants to take a man
and shake a man and wake a man;
When Nature wants to make a man
to do the future's will;
When she tries with all her skill
and she yearns with all her soul
To create him large and whole....
With what cunning she prepares him!
How she goads and never spares him,
How she whets him and she frets him
And in poverty begets him...
How she often disappoints
whom she sacredly anoints.
With what wisdom she will hide him,
Never minding what betide him
Though his genius sob with slighting
and his pride may not forget!
Bids him struggle harder yet.
Makes him lonely so that only
God's high messages shall reach him
So that she may surely teach him
What the Hierarchy planned.
Though he may not understand
Gives him passions to command
How remorselessly she spurs him,
with terrific ardor stirs him
When she poignantly prefers him!
When Nature wants to name a man
And fame a man and tame a man;
When Nature wants to shame a man
To do his heavenly best...
When she tries the highest test
That her reckoning may bring
When she wants a god or king!
How she reins him and restrains him
So his body scarce contains him
While she fires him and inspires him!
keeps him burning, ever yearning
for a tantalising goal
Lures and lacerates his soul.
Sets a challenge for his spirit,
Draws it higher when he's near it
Makes a jungle, that he clear it;
Makes a desert, that he fear it
And subdue it if he can
So doth Nature make a man.
Then, to test his spirit's wrath
Hurls a mountain in his path
Puts a bitter choice before him
And relentless stands o'er him.
"Climb, or perish!" so she says...
Watch her purpose, watch her ways!
Nature's plan is wondrous kind
Could we understand her mind...
Fools are they who call her blind.
When his feet are torn and bleeding
Yet his spirit mounts unheeding,
All his higher powers speeding
Blazing newer paths and fine;
When the force that is divine
Leaps to challenge every failure
and his ardor still is sweet
And love and hope are burning
in the presence of defeat...
Lo, the crisis! Lo, the shout
That must call the leader out.
When the people need salvation
Doth he come to lead the nation...
Then doth Nature show her plan
When the world has found--a man!

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Saturday Service Again

This morning V asked me what my plans for the day were.

"I don't have any plans. Today is Saturday and I want to do whatever you ask me to."

She said she didn't have anything for me to do, but then asked me for a sandwich. I said all right and she said that whoever got up first would get it.

"No," I said, getting up. "Let me get it for you."

I made her a sandwich and when I gave it to her I thanked her for asking me for giving me something I could do for her. She told me that she had to go out but that she wanted me to gather all dirty laundry from around the house and bag it so she could take it to the laundry. I was to take the bags to her car and also the girl's bikes, so they could ride at the shopping center. I did all that immediately, even though she said that she didn't need it done until later. I wanted to be free for her to ask me anything else.

I was wondering if she would like me to offer to do the laundry in her place, but I thought that she was planning to do some computer work while the laundry was done and if she stayed home she would get busy with chores and would not complete her required work.

I came to report to her that the laundry and the bikes were in her car. She looked at me and said that I was sexy.

"You are sexy," she said, holding my hand. "I like you, even with that stupid hat (I was wearing a hat because I had gone outside to load the car) and I mean I really like you, isn't that awesome?"

I admitted that I was pleased that she thought I was sexy and asked her if she was going to do anything about it. She smiled and said that what she wanted was to give me work. I repeated my previous statement that I was there to serve her in anyway she needed.

She surprised me with what she did after.

She told me that she was tired and she was not going to do anything else after the laundry, and wanted me to take her to the movies. She explained that she didn't know if she was going to have enough time, however, because she had a lot of housework to do.

I told her that the boys and I could do the housework while she was at the laundromat. I offered to do the dishes (there are many) and she said that she wanted me to clean the whole kitchen instead, so she could ask the boys to do the bathrooms. I smiled and thank her for giving me a way to please her. She said that maybe we could have sex tonight, but that she may be too tired. I told her that whether or not she wanted to have sex with me (she hushed me at this point because the girls were playing just outside the door) I still wanted to please her and that by giving me something specific to do for her, she was making me happy.

She said that we will have sex and a movie and that way we will both be happy. I asked her what she meant by that, in a teasing way, hoping to encourage her to get into the subject, but the girls needed help and we had to leave the conversation undone. I asked her if she would give the boys her instructions or she wanted me to do it and she said she would.

"Boys," she said coming to the living room. "I want you to clean the bathrooms and the kitchen. Dad will take care of the kitchen, and each boy will take a bathroom. Don't rush it, because the first one who finishes is going to go help the others, but don't drag it out either because if I come back home and you are not done, you will have to finish it by yourself."

She was using her commanding tone, the one that she rarely uses with me and I was getting weak at the knees, imagining that it was for me only and not for "the boys". As you can imagine the boys were whining and complaining. I was in bliss.

What she said next blew my mind.

"I want to see your heads nodding now, boys!" and "Do you understand?"

She waited for each boy in turn to nod and stop complaining and she said "Good".

Then she turned to me, still in commanding mode and gave me the same treatment.

I nodded. Of course I nodded, even though I know she did it more for the boys benefit than for mine, but still it gave me a thrill to be commanded and ordered to nod in recognition.

"Good Boy!"

Then she left. I had to go to my room for a bit to allow for my erection to fade before going back to clean the kitchen.


I did the best job I've ever done of cleaning the kitchen. When V came home I took the things from the car, including the bikes and brought everything back. She asked me why I didn't clean the kitchen and told me that there were traces of peanut butter and jelly on the floor, cheese wrappers on the table and a bunch of dirty plates in the sink.

I was about to get to the kitchen to drag the boys to clean it again when she bursted out in laughter. She told me that the kitchen was perfect and thank me for all my help.

She gave me oral sex for longer than usual, and then told me that she was done and she wanted to cuddle. I was surprised, but said okay. Then she pulled me over her and said "cuddle here" and we had a bit of rough sex.

In retrospect, I think it was another good day, and the kitchen is actually clean (I checked)

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Pain, or the idea of pain?

I was reading in some of the literature related to male submission recently that some men think they are attracted to pain when in reality they are attracted to the IDEA of pain.

Recently, after one time when I told V that she did not have to be gentle with me, she has begun to scratch, bite and spank when having sex. She has also started to twist my nipples. The spanking is not too effective because the position doesn't allow for too much strength, but yesterday, she spanked me hard a couple times while i kissed her toes, and she asked me if i felt it "deep enough". I said that I loved it and she said I was crazy.

Her bites have been painful and she has marked my chest several times, and that actually excites me. The twisting of the nipples has not been that painful, but perhaps it's because she only does it when I am almost to the point of no return. I have cummed several times while she twisted my nipples and i can't tell how hard she's doing it.

The scratching, however, is another story.

Several times her nails have made me wonder if I really want her to give me pain. I have hesitated, because she has gone farther than I thought she would. I had almost screamed in pain, but have resisted, because at the same time I don't want her to stop doing what she's doing. This has brought the concept of the IDEA of pain to the forefront of my mind.

Do I really want her to punish me in painful ways, or do I just want her to play at it?

This is a question I don't have an answer at the moment. I will have to ponder on it and explore a little bit. For now, V has only been playing, and only when having sex, but I'm already having my doubts. Am I going to chicken out?

There are two things I know:

1) I'm going to resist as much as possible any pain that she deems appropriate to inflict upon me, because even if it scares me a little, it's exciting and drives our relationship in the direction I desire.

2) Being that V is a tender, loving wife, if I tell her that she's hurting me, she's going to stop and treat me delicately. For now I want her to gain confidence in what she's doing, before I complain about it.

Today was a pretty much vanilla day. V was busy with school things, so I did a couple things she asked me to do. She also told me that she wants me to take two weeks off from work in August so I can babysit while she goes to a seminar. After I said yes, she said that actually she has plans for me for those two weeks, and then she explained and asked if I'd do it. I said yes and asked her to get the dates of the seminar as soon as possible so I can secure the vacation.

She didn't command me to do it, although I thought she was going to, bu the tone when she told me to take vacation. I think she was not sure if she could "get away" with having me babysit for two weeks and also do the other stuff around the house and that lowered her tone.

The other thing submission-related was that she was in bed and found my glasses. Then she told me that I like her feet so much that even if I'm not there, my glasses still stay at her feet. I was busy and distracted and didn't take advantage of the situation. In retrospective, I could have taken a little time to go "get the glasses" and kiss her feet a little more, like I did yesterday.

Oh, well. I'm sure that other opportunities will present themselves.

For now, I am left to wonder about pain.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

A test? (part 2)

The day was long without V.

The results from the test are two-fold. First is what I managed to achieve, out of the things V had requested and second, V's reaction to what I did or left undone.

I was supposed to do the following:

1) Clean the Kitchen
2) Feed the girls
3) Give medicine at the proper times to the girl who is sick
4) Fold the laundry

At the time when the medicine was due, I found the girls were still asleep, so I waited until they woke up, but as soon as they did, I gave them breakfast and medicine. They chose cereal for breakfast, so nothing hard there.

I did all the dishes, scrubbed the Teflon off a pan I didn't know it had Teflon, dried and stored everything, cleaned the table and scrubbed the floor. With the exception of ruining the Teflon pan, I think I did a good job.

I made lunch and dinner as well.

The laundry was another story altogether. I didn't know just how much it was, but it was like an entire week of clothes to sort, fold and hang. It was by far the hardest job, and I didn't manage to finish it, with all the interruptions, like cooking and stuff...

V came back home very tired and with a stomach ache, so I gave her medicine and a cup of water. She was very grateful for all the things I did, even smiling when she saw the used-to-be-Teflon pan and saying that "it had never been so clean" (she's a good sport)

As for the laundry, she told me that she didn't expect that I was even going to do it, because it was so much that she had been avoiding it all week herself.

When she arrived, she asked me how my day was and I told her that it had been good because I had spent it doing things for her. She asked me if I had done anything for ME and I said that I had, which is true, because I had taken a nap and had spent some time playing a video game, but most the day was spent in her service.

At the end of the day, I am grateful for a day when V told me how I could please her and even though I didn't do as much as I had hoped, I did more than she expected. I feel happy that I spent the day serving her and my love for her grows more and more.

In the morning, she told me that she had not dared to hope that anything would be done because people "always forget" to do as she asks. I told her that I was trying to improve on that and she said that I was improving.

Then she said: "Bite my neck" and things went wild from there.

A test? (part 1)

This Saturday morning, V is not home.

She left early and left me taking care of the girls.

She asked me to feed them, to which I said, "yes, ma'am." Then she smiled and asked me to clean the kitchen, and I replied exactly in the same way.

Then she started laughing and said "Really?"

After I repeated my consent she jokingly said "I also want you to fold the laundry."

"Okay," I said.

A very brief conversation, but an opportunity for me to show her how much I appreciate serving her. Because if my past (years' worth) failure to serve her, she does not believe that I will fold the laundry, she barely believes that I will clean the kitchen and will even call on her phone to verify that the girls have been fed.

My test today is to see how far I go in my desire to please her. It is both a test and an opportunity and I intent to keep up with it.

I will post a continuation to this post after the day is over, to go over the results of the "test" and my feelings about it. Now I want to go get started by feeding the girls before V calls.

I'm smiling ear to ear as I write this. We'll see if I'm smiling at the end of the day...

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Becoming vs. Discovering

In one recent comment, I pondered about a couple points. One of them was the question of whether Mistress V has to BECOME the dominant partner of our relationship or she just has to DISCOVER that she is in fact such a partner already. This distinction has to do, of course with a deeper philosophical question: How dominant does a person has to be to be THE dominant partner in a relationship?

Being that I have submissive feelings for V, she is already in control of much in our relationship. Where exactly does she start being dominant? I have been thinking about that issue recently and think that if we think in relative terms, she is already the dominant, because she has more control over our relationship than I do, but in absolute terms, the distribution of power in our partnership is less clear.

Thinking about that, and reading comments and postings on other blogs and sites, I've come to realize that what I have before me is not so much an issue of my wife BECOMING my dominant, but more an issue of her DISCOVERING the fact that she already is. This was a welcomed realization for me, because it means that I don't have to attempt to change a person who is already the most lovely woman I've ever met, but just help her realize the way things already are.

One things that has impacted my ability to achieve this in the past is that I frequently become too "needy" and probably express myself in submissive ways that she finds unattractive. Acting "needy" includes requesting her to do dominant things to me, and acting more submissive than she finds comfortable with. I've "discovered" (between quotations, because it's not my original concept, but one I learned applied to our case) that I get more "needy" when I am not constant in my submission to her. When I get tired of submitting, or frustrated because my efforts don't seem to provide benefit, I stop being submissive and at those points, my needs are not being satisfied (because of my own failure to stay on the route that satisfies them). When I am constant in my submissiveness, ironically, I act less submissive, which I guess Mistress V finds more alluring. The truth is that we say we want to have a Queen besides us, but many Queens don't particularly want the company of groveling slaves.

Seeing that it is easier to maintain an appropriate demeanor when I'm more constant in my service to Mistress, and that she only has to discover the position she occupies in our relationship, has made the task of communicating my feelings for her easier.

No, don't hold your breath yet. I didn't come out and told her straight.

But I did have a conversation with her.

She was extremely busy with something I can't help her with (preparing for a test) and I asked her if I could help. She said that I couldn't but thanks. I asked her if I could help her with something else, so she could do what she had to do and she said yes. I could help her by having sex with her. She said that I should "be clean" because she anted to give me oral sex.

Now, that is very unusual. I have been married for many years and this almost never happened before, not even during our honeymoon. Yes, she has given me oral sex many times, but this time she said she wanted to and asked me to clean myself.

Of course I said yes, and we had sex for as long as she wanted. She told me that I was very sweet by continuing to pleasure her even after I had already "finished" (her word) and I told her that I wanted to make sure she "finished" as well. She said "Oh, I did." and I asked her if she finished before or after me, (she is mild mannered and sometimes i can't detect it) and she smiled and said "Before and after".

The next day I was working on the computer and she came all over me, kissing me and rubbing herself against me. She touched the beginning of my erection and said "Oh, you are not teased enough" (Again, her words. I almost couldn't believe it) so she kissed me some more and played with my penis until it became hard.

"Now I'm teased" I said.

"Good," she said, moving away. "Now I can leave. I'll leave you like that because I'm evil"

She had to go out to take a class. I knew it, and she knew I knew it, but still took her time to tease me. I was so happy I could barely contain myself, but I did. I had to take advantage of the opportunity to express my feelings, though. I just had to remain cool and not too "needy"

"I love it when you tease me," I said with a smile. "Feel free to tease me any time you want."

She did not answer.

"You know you have power to do anything you want with me?" I asked.

"Yes," she said (wow!) "Women have power over men, but that's because women are evil... poor men."

"No, not any woman. I only want YOU have power over me."

At this point she was moving my head around as if I was a marionette. "So you want to be subject to it?"

"Of course," I said. "It's sexy."

She was not repulsed. She actually kissed me and left me there "properly teased"

I was amazed at how much had happened in the span of a few minutes. I had to go out also, to do some errand for her and to do something I needed to do as well, so I did not spend much time thinking of this, but she had given me much to think about.

"Wake me up in the morning," she said (this means "let's make love before you go" in her language) "I'll be too tired tonight."

I said I would, but when she came back she asked me to make love to her right then and there but be quick about it because she had to study. I made sure to do my best to comply.

"Do you still want me to wake you up in the morning?" I asked in the cuddling time afterwards.

"No," she said. "I'll be to tired then."

Nothing else has happened since, because I went to work, she went to work and I just came back. One thing seems sure, though. I feel much better than the last time I wrote here.

If this is a voyage of discovery rather than a transformational venture, I think success will not only be attainable, but it will happen much sooner than it would otherwise be.

Now, let me stop this thing, which is becoming too long already, and let me go find how Mistress V wants to be served today...

Monday, February 8, 2010

Still on the same boat...

As one commenter said before, my 'discreet campaign of hidden submission' is not giving the desired results. At least not to the extent I'd like to.

My feelings as a submissive husband continue to intensify, if that's possible, but my wife does not seem to grasp the idea that I want her to dominate me.

She has gotten the idea that I want her to be a little rough in bed, and expressed to me that the reason she doesn't do it is that she fears that I will be rough with her, and she likes sex 'soft and tender'. I told her that I'd be as soft and tender as she wanted, but that she did not have to worry about doing the same for me. She laughed and said "men are savages". Since then, she has been scratching, biting and spanking me during sex, which is a beautiful thing.

This goes to show that she is at least partially open to do the things that please me in bed, but she has a big thing about me not 'doing things because I want sex' and wants me to do things without her telling me. I've told her that I don't do things because I want sex, but that I want to please her. She seems happy with that explanation but I don't think she really believes it. I'm trying to show her that I want to serve her even when sex is out of the question, such as when she has her period and such, but I guess I'll have to be more consistent on that.

The other day I received an email from her at work where she thanked me for all the help I gave her the night before and she specifically mentioned that I did it 'without expecting any reward' so I guess she's noticing.

I still don't dare coming out clean and telling her that I am submissive.

Today, she said that she wants to give ME oral sex, and she also said that she wants me to do the dishes, but she made it very clear that she doesn't want me to establish any correlation between one and the other.

I love to receive oral sex, and knowing that she's getting a desire to do it, makes me hot. I'd also love to give her oral sex, but she doesn't like it. We used to do it before, so I guess it was not as good as I thought.

When I have not had sex in a while, my kinks come very near the surface and I begin to have fantasies about sex. For now, my strongest fantasies include being tied up, being spanked and being penetrated anally with a strapon. I don't have any fantasies that do not involve Mistress V, meaning that all these things are things I wish she would do for me, but I guess I'll have to wait, since I don't even dare to tell her of simpler things...

Sometimes I wish I could just tell her right up all that I feel, but the fear of losing her confidence, of her knowing that all this time I have been wishing for something else, makes it harder and harder. I know it will only get worse with time, so I better do something to ramp up and pave a way for this before it's too late.

I just have to figure out how.

Monday, January 11, 2010


It was our wedding anniversary this week.

I took my Mistress to a nice restaurant. she was very happy with the place. It was the most romantic dinner we have ever had.

After dinner, we were going to the movies, but Mistress said she was tired and wanted to go back to the house, unless I "really wanted to go to the movies". Of course I told her that we'd go home as she wished.

At home we cuddled to a movie. We had sex earlier in the day, so it was not an expectation at this time.
When we had sex, she pulled a head massager and used it on me. The head massager makes my body tingle with pleasure as she uses it on my head and she calls it "torture" so I feel submissive as she uses it on me. She also loves it when I use it on her, so I also did. It is an amazing little toy and it's very powerful, especially is you consider that it costs so little. You can get it from Amazon for a little over $10.00, but a friend bought one for me from a store called Bed Bath & Beyond for only $3.99 and it's the same exact model. (Amazon has others). If the picture is not visible, just know that it is not an electric "toy" but a wire thing that looks like an egg beater that has been cut open at the ends (and those ends dipped in plastic to eliminate their sharp edges)
I don't know when my Mistress will offer or ask for "torture" again, but it now has a privileged spot by our bed side table.
If only I could muster the strength to serve my Mistress better...
By the way, this very night I was denied sex by her, not in a very dominant way, but not in an apologetic tone either. She simply said "I am going to sleep now, honey" and I accepted it as her will, even though I want her bad. She usually tells me that I can "take her" in the morning, but that is usually a short endeavor with ehr being basically passive, so I don't really favor it unless I'm very horny. Also, during the week, I don't really have much time or energy in the early mornings.
I may or may not "take her" tomorrow morning.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

On self spanking...

As I said on a previous post, I have desires for physical punishment. Contrary to my desires for submission, that I try to gradually open up to my Mistress, my desires for punishment are much more delicate, since I think that Mistress is not going to see that with good eyes. Over the years, I have tried to punish myself in different ways, but the punishment never reached a satisfying end. This all changed this year.

I was searching the Internet for information on self-punishing and my search result pointed to a blog where someone mentioned pre-recorded instructions for self punishment. Sadly, when I clicked on the link, the blog had been taken offline and that particular post was not in the cached version, so I only had the tittle and nothing else.

I gave the issue some thought. How would it be if I could write a script for a punishment session and then play it back on my MP3 player as I followed the instructions? At first, I thought it would not work, but one day, while on a work related trip away from Mistress V, I decided to try it.

My reasons for suddenly wanting to try a recording are complex, but in their most simplistic expression they can be reduced to this:

1) I was horny as hell because I was away from Mistress.
2) I did not want to be "unfaithful" to mistress by masturbating (as a submissive, it gives me great pain to be so weak as to not be able to control myself for her)
3) I was about to fail her as I started to play with myself in my hotel room.
4) I felt that only a punishment would take my mind away from "consummating" my failure.
5) I had tried many different ways of self-punishment and they always ended in masturbation anyway...

So, armed with a deep desire for punishment and a deep horniness, I grabbed a paper and began to write a script. The script had instructions for me to follow, things for me to repeat and counts for the number of strokes I was to give myself. After writing what I considered was a lengthy "scene" I laid down and recorded everything on my MP3 player.

I tried the scene out and for the first time in my whole life I was able to punish myself to the point where I would feel it the next day. The session, it turned out was not long at all, so the next day, even though my buttocks were still sore, I wrote a new, shorter script that did not have an end (to be played continuously) and another one with the ending. At the end of the first track I ask a few questions about my submissive desires and about wanting to remain chaste to Mistress V. If I can honestly answer them to the positive, I press next and go to the last track, where I plant suggestions about how to be a better husband and a better submissive. If I am not "ready", meaning I still want to masturbate or watch porn or something, I have to let the player repeat the track one more time.

The first time I used the three-track version (the original plays first, because it has an introduction of sorts) I used the second track two or three times and by the end of it, I was shaking with pleasure, my ass was red and hot and I had absolutely no desire to play with myself any longer. For the rest of my trip (it was relatively long) I did not masturbate once, and ever since I came back I have only done it twice, which is a great deal, considering that once upon a time I was doing it every day and some days more than once.

My feelings of submissiveness for Mistress V increased during that time and I was so sure I would come home to be a better husband, but of course, even the best laid plans cannot survive an encounter with reality. When I am home, and can't punish myself to my deepest satisfaction, I end up getting moody and lazy. I believe I need the control I crave. I think that when Mistress V becomes the caring Dominant of my dreams, I will not have need to try to balance my own life with substitutes, but for now, I believe that I have found in self punishment an alternative to avoid the feelings of guilt associated with masturbation while at the same time preserving all my sexual energy to please my Mistress, which is after all, my ultimate goal as a submissive.

Today, I feel like I should get some punishment, but everyone is home, so it's not going to happen. Additionally, Mistress already told me that if I want her I should "take her" before she becomes too tired. Choosing between taking her and taking a punishment, of course I choose her.

See you later...

Mistress V is too tired...

I was not a good submissive today.

When I arrived home from work, Mistress was cleaning the bathroom. I asked her what else she had to do, with all the intention of helping her, but I was so tired (excuse...) I did not help her and that cost me, because Mistress was way too tired to have intercourse with me.

I am upset, not at her, like I would have been a few months ago, but at myself for being so lazy. I really need to focus more on having adequate sleep so I can have energy to help her in her tasks. If I don't serve willingly, I can't expect to turn her dominance on.

So, I can say that today was a failed day.

I feel that my behavior deserves punishment. Yes, since Mistress V does not punish me, sometimes I self-punish. I discovered that doing it myself was not fully satisfying until I discovered, quite by accident a method that actually leaves me shaking, trembling and almost crying (making myself cry would be a sign of success for me, since I consider it almost impossible) . I will leave the details of my self-punishing method for a separate post, but today I can't really do anything, because there is no privacy in my house. Mistress V. is asleep in our bed and there are kids all over the house.

One reason I am not updet at Mistress V is that I am finally beginning to understand that it is totally my fault that she is not "in the mood", so I should take the consequence like a man. There is another reason, though. If I claim to be a submissive, and proclaim my willingness to have Mistress V control every aspect of my life, inclusing my sex life, I have to get used to the idea of not having sex any time I want, but every time SHE wants.

This realization may still be worth the day.

See you,

V's boy.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Back in the fray

I had computer problems and could not log in to my email account and they cancelled, which caused that I could not log in to my blogger account, so I basically had to rebuild the blog from scratch. Luckily I had not posted too many things, so it was not that hard. The only problem I see is that there were two people who had commented on the page and now they are lost to me.

Maybe I will try to comment on the old page and point people to the new page.

Anyway, I am going to try to answer two questions in this post:

1) Why am I back?

2) What has been going on for the past couple of months?

Okay, here we go.

First, I am back because even though my relationship with Mistress V has not evolved in the recent times, I feel like we get along better, and we don't argue as much. I feel like I would still like to steer this marriage towards her becoming my caring dominant. I also feel that whiole I was blogging, I had more motivation and energy to do whatever would please V and that would make me not only a better submissive, but also a better man.

Second, the short answer is "not much". Our relationship continues to be vanilla, although Mistress V seems a little more comfortable asking for sex than before. I still have to initiate most sexual encounters, though. During the last couple of months I have made great efforts to remain chaste for Mistress V, and have failed her only twice. Today I almost failed her, but I decided to be a man and "hold it in"or her. I am hoping that we will have sex tonight and don't want to ruin it by masturbating.

Another thing that has changed a little is that she is becoming a little more 'rough' in sex. She has been biting more, scratching more and squeezing my nipples. The biting my chest is leaving marks as is the scratching on the back, but the nipple thing is very soft, not enough for me, but I am not about to tel her that yet. Sometimes the back scratching is so hard it makes me shudder in pleasure, but it has not happenned too often. The last time we had sex she sucked on my nipple and it felt so good, I moaned. she did more of it and I was having an orgasm in no time.

Tomorrow is our wedding aniversary and in good old-fashioned husbandly manner, I forgot to get her something. I wish I had remembered before so I could buy some stuff to give her a pedicure. I adore her feet. I don't know what I will do tomorrow, but almost for sure I will bring her flowers and if she's not too tired I will take her to watch a movie.

I have to go now, but I hope I will be able to post something soon.

See you...

V's Boy

Mixed Results

NOTE: Originally posted September 2009
Includes 2 comments that were posted to the blog and I could not reply to.

I have not been posting for a while and thought I should update the blog with what has been going on recently.

For the most part I have not been able to keep up with my own commitment to become Mistress V's submissive. There are a few reasons for this

I have not been exactly enthused with her commands
I have been lazy
I have not dared present her with an honest request or even a copy of the book
Let's see them one at a time:


Mistress V has given me commands, not in the authoritative way I would love, but she has done it. she has told me to do things here and there and has even gone so far as to say that i am to do as she said because I am "a good boy". The problem is that I have not been consistent in my servitude to her. True, I have done as she requested, but with few exceptions, I have done it without enthusiasm. There may be two or three exceptions, such as the other day when she asked me to do several things in succession and I thanked her. She said "Thank me? I should be the one thanking you!" to which I said "I love you and love serving you and when you tell me exactly how I can do that, I love it. Thank you." This is the closest I have ever come to a confession. but I have not been consistent. i know exactly the root cause for this lack of consistency: I have had too many orgasms. Most of them self inflicted. I totally have to start exercising self control and leave the habit of masturbation. I think that is I were consistent in my servitude, Mistress V's Dominance might awaken. I think I have seen hints of it somewhere.


I have not been consistent in my undercover servitude. I have done some things, but not enough. I think this is not as serious as number 1, but it would really strengthen the message that I really want to be in her service.


I printed a copy of Around her Finger, which is the most vanilla book on Female Dominance there is. Actually the book doesn't even mention the word dominance at all, but I have not dared giving it to her. I am afraid of doing it, and my fear is that she may reject me as she rejects my offer to submit to her. I know this may be an irrational fear, but it is there nevertheless and I don't know what I'd do if she rejects me like that. It is like a deep, deep part of me and it feels vulnerable and sensitive, exactly the part of the male psyche that we men try to protect throughout all our lives.


I don't think I will dare to deal with number 3 for now, so I have to work on 1 and 2. I will try to be more consistent in serving her and be more enthusiastic when she "orders me around" I need to keep telling her that I adore serving her and being told how to do it.

Posted by V's boy at 8:42 PM


subservient-husband said...

I was scared too. I couldn't take the stealth submission any more. I e-mailed her a link to the around-her-finger web site and wrote, "I think this is me". I felt from there it is her choice how to proceed. I found the initial phase very vanilla, but even this was her decision and as such, fulfilling to my submissive nature. Recently, which is about seven months later, she has begun to feel more comfortable with more authoritative control.

About your response, I can confirm that the more you are obedient to her requests with enthusiasm, the more she will make requests. The more she is angry at you and you submit to her and agree with her opinion, the more comfortable she will be in her authority. At least that is what I have found.

IMHO, you should tell her and let her decide how to proceed and then submit to whatever that may be.

September 29, 2009 3:13 AM

At all Times said...

I agree with SH above, but understand very well your dilemma. I have never been as open with my wife, but overtime I think I have got my message across. A word of warning though, if your wife is like most other vanilla women, your submission will not be easy for her to understand. It is also very likely that she will not want a slave, or servant, at least not ion the way that you may fantasise about.

Loving female authority, and the doctrine put forward by aroundherfinger are definitley the way to go, and at sometime you will have to tell your wife more of how you feel. A campaign of stealth submission, small hints, and little real communication are going to lead to some confusion, many many ups and downs, and a much longer harder route than if you just sit down and explain how you feel. Asking your wife to look at the book or website will help start to explian your position but eventually you will haver to talk.

Whatever you do good luck, I will be following your journey with interest. I have posted loads of advice on my own blog, and if nothing else by reading it you, you may at least learn something from my mistakes.

Good Luck

September 30, 2009 7:42 AM

Saturday of Servitude

NOTE: First posted June 28, 2009

Saturday was my day off, so I had more time in my hands and decided to step up a notch in my attempts to seduce Mistress V's dominance through my submissiveness. She was having her period, so I knew that she would not assume that I being nice because I "was trying to score".

Early in the morning, I went upstairs and fixed her a breakfast, which I brought beck and served to her in bed. During the day I did some shopping for her and went to pick up something that a friend wanted to give her. On my way back I brought her flowers. I did the dishes as well. It felt good to do these things for her.

There are two items of note, While she was on the table working on her laptop, I stood behind her and intended to give her a backrub, but she bend her head sideways and pointed to her neck. That is her signal for me to bite her right there (softly) which I immediately did. She moaned with pleasure and I told her that I loved when she let me know she was enjoying herself (she is very quiet during sex). I asked her if she wanted anything else and she pointed to the other side of her neck, so I proceeded to do the same. When I finished, I asked her again and she said "Your services are no longer required". I smiled and said, "thank you, my queen".

Later that night, when she was laying on bed (still working on her laptop) I sat by her feet and began to give her a foot massage. I wasnted so bad to lick and kiss her feet, but I retrained myself, because that may scare Mistress V, so I only gave her a massage and kissed her feet twice. While I was doing it, I asked V if I was bothering her and she said no.

After I was finished, I covered her feet with the blanket and stood up to go around to my side of the bed.

"Thank you," I said to her.

"No," she said with a smile. "Thank you."

"No, it was my pleasure," I insisted. "I get pleasure from pleasing you, do you believe it?"

"I guess I do," she said.

Then I pointed to my underpants, where my erection was bulging and she could clearly see that they were wet with my precum.

"Believe me," I insisted. "I get pleasure from giving you pleasure."

All in all I think it was a good day. It could have been better, but it was good.
This morning, I gave her breakfast in bed again, and was set up for another day of servitude, but I acted up in my weakness and stimulated myself to orgasm in the bathroom. I wish I was not so weak and could keep myself chaste for Mistress V.

Nothing Tonight

Note: Originally posted on June 26, 2009

I did not have any type of affection from Mistress V today. She talked to me nicely, asked me to pick a kid from school, which I did. Asked me to put the garbage and recycling out, which I did, asked me to take care of my daughter while she went to swimming lessons with the older kids, which I did.

She was too busy and did not even talk to me at night. I was busy too, and now she's asleep and I want her and can't have her.

One of my fears about giving her the reins of my sex life is that I will not get any sex at all.

I may be exagerating, I don't know, but she has very little need for sex and her desire seems more an attempt to please me than anything else, so I'm afraid that if I gave her the key to my sexuality, she would lock it and place the key in a place so secure that no one would ever find it.

She stayed awake until midnight, when I finished what I was doing and then told me that she was cold because the thick blanket was in the dryer. Without waiting to be asked, I went for it and noticed that the other one was wet, so I took one and placed the other one in the drier. When I came back, V asked me if I had put the wet blanket in the Dryer. I said yes and covered her with the dry blanket. She said thank you and went to sleep.

No sex, no teasing, not even kissing or domination. Just a man trying to please his wife. I wonder how this will turn out.

V's boy

A new Journey begins... Where to?

Note: This post was originally made in June 25, 2009

I guess this is my 'hello world' post, so allow me to introduce myself.

I am V's boy, a name that implies that I want to enter into a female-led relationship with my wife, who I will refer to as 'V' or 'Mistress V'. I live in a California suburb, have a good paying job with lots of authority, and in general show myself to the world as a leader.

In my private life, however, I've been holding a secret. I have strong feelings of submissiveness to a loving female authority. I have been reading books on the matter and searching the Internet for information, but most results turn out to be pornography, something that I find objectionable due to moral principle.

For the longest time I have lived with feelings of inadequacy, feeling that my submissive feelings were 'unmanly', immoral or deviant. It was not until early this year when I discovered Caring Domination from (website to follow) and learned that my feelings are not as exceptional as I thought. I also learned that my kinks have a cause, that my submission to a caring dominant could help me become a better person.

It was an incredibly liberating discovery.

The mere fact that I could aspire to have a loving female authority guide me and still be the man that I figure myself to be, gave me great joy.

I later learned more about the concepts I was interested about from a couple of websites, particularly Around her Finger (Website to follow).

At this point, I am not practicing the principles I have learned. The dream of submitting to my wife and enter into a wife-led marriage is being counterbalanced by fear.

I fear rejection from a very traditional wife, not only of the principles, but personal rejection as well. I don't think my wife would accept the concept if it was presented to her in the cold, so for a couple months now, I have been practicing "hidden submission".

Hidden submission is not fully satisfying for me because I crave for her authority and that requires her acknowledgment of the fact that she has power over me. I crave her control and her guidance, but that is not as forthcoming as I would like to see it. She has noticed that a couple of things have changed around here, such as we have not have an argument for a long time, I have not been whining for sex (something I apparently used to do all the time, even involuntarily) and I have been helping a little more around the house.

I have not taken a more active submissive role, even though I want to, mainly because I get discouraged easily by the lack of guidance, so this creates a vicious cycle, where I want to do things, but feel discouraged by lack of guidance, but since I am probably doing a little more than I used to do before, my wife doesn't feel that she needs to guide me, so she doesn't. My lack of enthusiasm then causes her to lack it as well.

I have made the decision to create this journal for several reasons:

I have seen many journals like this one and have seen how peer support can motivate one to keep going when the "road gets tough". I hope that the community will discover this journal and comment on it.
Make my thoughts clear. Sometimes I am not sure how to describe my feelings and putting them in writing could help me figure them out. Sometimes I don't even know if I am truly submissive or just going through a phase. I hope that this journal will help me figure that out.
To keep a record of my progress and have a realistic view of the status of my relationship. I think that writing overtime can help me "see the forest" while walking among "the trees". I think it would be interesting to look at this later, if I keep it going and see how the story unfolded.
One day, I wish to make V aware of the full extent of my feelings for her. That day, when I fearlessly submit all my being to her leadership, I hope I will dare to let her read these things. Let's say this could become my confession journal.
I think that I have written enough for an introduction. If you happen to stumble upon this journal by accident, feel free to leave comments and suggestions.

At this point, as the tittle of this post suggest, I don't know the destination of this journey, but I hope I can figure it out along the way.

V's boy