She ask + I add = Conflict

This mornign I was not feeling too good, so i decided to call work and ask for a sick day off. My plan was to take some medicine, rest and then clean a little around the house, unasked.

When V got up she told me that the house was a mess (I knew that) and asked me if I could clean the kitchen. I smiled and told her I'd do it. Then she asked me if I would cook dinner also. She was a little tentative, as if she was not sure if i was going to say yes, which obviously i did.

After she was gone, I rested a little, as I intended to do. Then I got up and got to work.

I felt good because I was doing as she asked, but I think I needed a little more domination, because I made up some fantasy while I worked.

I knelt down for a while, imagining that it was V who had ordered me to, then I placed a small vibrator up my behind, put a pair of underpants on (I don't own panties, and V's are too small) and pulled them up, so they fit like a g-string to both stimulate and hold the vibrator in place. In addition to the underpants, I only used a white apron.

Needless to say, every time I bent over or reached, the vibrator was pushed in and I imagined it was V pushing it. I did all the dishes and then came to the bedroom to adjust the 'items' because they were falling out of place. Then I realized that the underpants were not strong enough to hold the vibrator in place for an extended period, so I tied two leather belts together and tied them from the crotch to the left shoulder. Now it was really tight, and I could feel the vibrator pushing my insides every time I reached up. I moped the floor that way, and it took quite a while, because I was enjoying the process.

After I finished, I felt guilty for enjoying so much and fantasized that V was not pleased with how much fun I was having and ordered to my knees again. This time I knelf in front of the mirror and took a third leather belt and belted myself good until my behind was hot and red.

This is not the first time I punish myself with a belt, but having another leather belt between my butt cheeks protected the anus and testicles from accidental impacts and that allowed me to hit to my heart's content. I don't even remember how many times I took the belt today, but I remember that at some point I started hitting as hard as I could and it kept hurting less and less. I guess that was because of the famous endorphins that people keep talking about, but I didn't feel any rush or dizziness or anything like that.

After I finished the punishment, I knelt, kissed the belt and thanked my imaginary mistress for taking the time to discipline me.

The girls were about to come back from school, so I cleaned the stuff, got dressed and watched some TV.

When V came home, we ate together and she asked me how my day had gone. I said that it had been great and she asked me if I wanted to be a stay at home dad.

I said that it would be lovely, but everyone took it as a joke, and I didn't want to clarify because the family was present. Of course, being a stay at home dad is not possible for me right now, because I make six-figures and my wife is back in college, but the idea is attractive.

Now, as I prepare to sleep, I have a conflict of feelings. On the one hand, my submissiveness was sated. I feel that I served V and that made the day good, but on the other hand, I feel that I cheated, because I played a scene by myself. It's funny how I can at the same time feel like V actually did the stuff I fantasized about, while at the same time I doubt she'll ever do anything like this, even if she accepted my submission to her.

I don't think what I did today is healthy. I remember when I was single and I became addicted to masturbation. It was a very hard time, as at the worst point, the addiction took most of my waking hours. I would even park the car on the side of the freeway so i could jerk off, because I had been driving for two hours. What ended up happening was that my hand became more attractive than my girlfriend, and I evenually broke up with her (the girlfriend, not the hand). It took me years to sober up from my addiction and I don't want to develop a new one, unless is to my wife.

I think that if I continue doing what I did today, there is teh possibility that I might separate my feelings of submission from the person my submission is directed to, and that would be disastrous. This is the main reason for me not to approach professional dommes. I have feelings of submission for V, and don't think that such feelings should be allowed to wander in any other direction. Right now, because my fantasy involved her and only her, I feel as if it's okay, but fantasy can be very powerful, especially when one lacks reality, so it is something I have to watch carefully.

And I'm not even going to talk about how my butt feels right now, both from the couple of hours of the vibrator and the violent encounter with the belt... All I will say is that I wish it had been V the one who caused it. Then there would be none of this conflict.