This is my only update in a while. The reason for it being that I don't feel like writing the same thing over and over adds anything of value to the situation.
I'm happy to report that there has been some movement in a favorable direction. Ever since the last embarrassing post, I have not fallen prey of my fantasies and have been able to remain on track. As the title says, the progress is partial, but it feels great to have something as oppossed to nothing. As I said, I feel like I'm moving in the right direction.
PARTIAL CONFESSION (or a lame email)
Last week or so, I sent an email to my wife where I told her that I had the New Year's resolution of putting her and her needs above mine. I explained that I was only happy when she was happy, so yes, it was for my own benefit, but I wanted her life to be more confortable, so I wanted her to give me feedback as to how to do that. I asked her to let me know when I was pleasing her and when I was not and I also asked her to allow me to serve her. I adapted this approach from a book titled "Simply Rika". It is not a full confession of my fantasies and desires, but it gives her a starting point to understand what is going on inside this messed up head of mine.
She did not answer the email and acted as if she was going to ignore, so I thought she didn't like the idea, even as tame as I presented it to her, but I have seen some subtle changes in the past few days.
SOME CHANGES (or am I imagining things?)
For the next two days after I sent her the email, she invited me to watch movies with her. On one of those days, my son came to tell me that the local team had won and V said, "You missed the game to watch a movie with me? Aww, that's so sweet!"
I approached her one morning with visible sexual "intent" and she told me that she was a bit tired but she would "let me have sex" if I would be a good boy after and made her breakfast in bed. You can bet I was a VERY good boy and made sure she enjoyed as much as I could make her. Later that day, she told me I had been very good in the morning.
She was singing a song where the singer says that she is wrapped around the finger of her lover and changed the lyrics to say that I was wrapped around her finger. I thought her choice of language was interesting but it came from a song, so not from the famous book.
We went to visit some friends. After we ate, she handed me her empty plate and asked me to go get her more food. I did, pretty much interested in the fact that she asked me to do something for her in public, when usually people expect that she'd be the one serving me.
While at our friend's we playing a game where after each round the winner became "king". My wife was lucky enough that after spending some rounds in the lower positions, she won the final round and became "Forever King" of the tournament. I joked that it was not enough that she ruled at our house, but now she was ruling me in other places as well. She teased me that she was my wife and that's the way it was suppossed to be. Everyone laughed, but to me it was a little bit more than a simple joke and felt a deep connection to my wife at that time.
She was not doing anything at the time, but still called me to tell me that she wanted a snack. She asked me to make her a sandwitch and bring it to her bed.
She told me that she was tired and going to bed, but that I should put the food away and put the gilrs to bed. To this I added doing all the dishes and cleaning the table, even though she had not asked.
ONLY IN MY HEAD?
All these things and others are subtle. She is not commandeering or demanding. SHe also says please and thank you a lot, but I guess that's part of her personality and as long as she shows me her appreciation and gives me the opportunity to serve her, I feel fulfillment.
The question remains, am I seeing too much into things, or is she really giving me the chance to serve her? I guess that time will tell.
As any reader of these things may be aware, I've been trying to become V's submissive for a while now. Before this partial confession, I had been trying "stealth submission". There were a few signs that encouraged me to take the determination to do the partial confession. Here are a couple of them.
V was sitting in the living room one day and told me that she was very tired and she wanted me to goive her a food massage, but without giving me anything in return. I smiled and gave her the foot massage with great care.
One day, after I had done something for her, I don't remember what, she told me I had been a very good boy, and she was going to give me a prize, so she asked me to get the lotion. I did, thinking that she was going to give me a hand job, but also thinking that it was very unusual for her to initiate such a thingm because she has only given me hand jobs when I begged her and only if she couldn't have regular sex. After I came back with the lotion, she said: "So you have earned the porivilege of givinf me a massage." I was pleased, but also surpprised. She took me off balance and she noticed because she laughed and asked "What, you thought it was for you? Aww... poor boy!" I have her a massage with the lotion and then she turned around and slapped the bed. "Come here," she said, and of course, I complied.
MY THOUGHTS ON THIS (or what I think that I think)
I think my wife is beginning to show some initiative in making use of my disposition to serve her. I don't know if she's doing it only for me or she's really beginning to enjoy my submission. I hole it's the second one, so she gradually become more comfortable with her power over me. FOr now I think there are a few things I have to keep in mind if I want this to continue progressing:
- Continue my service to her, even when unasked. This way she'll see that I'm not going after a quick thrill, but the real thrill is serving her.
- Show her how pleased I am whenever she exerts a bit of dominance over me, even if it doesn't go according to my fantasies. Show her that I enjoy every bit of her control.
- Remind her how much I love her and how much I want to please her, every day.
- Act strong and masculine while expressing my attraction for her feminine charms. I think one thing that drives vanilla women away from submissive men is the perception that they are weak or effeminate. I am submissive, but not gay or effeminate (not that I have anything against gays or effeminate men, just that I am not one and don't think V would be interested in being married to one)
- Continue to put her pleasure first when it comes to sex. Or at least try, since sometimes it's a bit hard to contain myself when my excitement level is high. Recently I have been more successful at this that I used to be, though. I wish she would allow me to pleasure her orally, to make sure she enjoys first, but she has told me many times that she doesn't like oral sex.
- Make my best effort not to "take matters into my own hands", by doing things like pleasuring myself and punishing myself. These things undermine the power V can exersize over me and end up resulting in more guilt and frustration than the little pleasure I can derive from them.
I don't know, but moving in the right direction, even if it's slow, has been a great joy. I wish that 2011 brings me closer and closer to my dream of serving V openly and with all my heart. For the very first time in many months I'm looking at it from a positive perspective. I'll continue to expand on the progress and hopefully avoid the oft-repeated screw up of falling back to the lazy, self-serving, uncooperative nature of the frustrated submissive.
What will come of this, I don't know, but I hope the wait is worth it.