Friday, December 30, 2011

I came out!

I apologize for the somewhat longish post, but this is a milestone that deserves mention.

I came out this morning.

Yes, after several years of struggling with the idea, I finally admitted to my wife the full extent of my submissiveness to her. No more stealth submission, no more figuring out how my wife is going to react, no more fear (or at least not in the same sense).

How did it happen?

Well, I have been denied for more than a week now and as horny as I have ever been, so my wife brought the subject of my 'horniness' up and asked me why I thought that men want to chase after what they can't have instead of having what they can have. This brought up a rather lengthy conversation where we talked about men being natural hunters and being more interested in the process of hunting rather than in the previously hunted prey.

I admitted that I was horny as hell and that I loved the way I felt when I desired her.

"So, how exactly do you feel?" She asked. I knew I wouldn't have another opportunity such as this, so I pounced. I told her I felt energized, powerful, focused and manly, but not in the sense of being opposed to feminine, but like a hunter after its prey. She said that she understood. She also said that it is very interesting that after all this years, she's discovered that the way to keep me happy is not to follow her mother's advice of fulfilling and anticipating my masculine "needs" and being always available for sex, but to actually play hard to get and to give me something to chase after.

I was very motivated by her words, so I admitted to it. I said that I wanted to have her, but only when she wanted me to have her, and never because she thought I needed it.

"Wow," she said. "I was thinking of pleasuring you orally today, but now you're not getting any, baby!"

With all the days I have been denied already, I felt a bit of fear creeping up when she said that, but I was strong and stayed the course. I talked to her about the fact that I have read many books on the topic, because I felt that I was abnormal or deviant, but that after several years of study and our recent experiment with denial based on lack of exercise, I was convinced that this was what I wanted. I spoke about the imagery of the knight pledging allegiance to a lady, I spoke about chivalry and how modern society with its emphasis on equality had robbed men of the opportunity to perform the role they have been born to perform, which is to protect, provide and serve. She told me that women have been robbed too, because in their chase for equality, they have lost sight of their need to be nurtured, protected and loved by their men. I could not believe my ears! My own wife, the most vanilla of vanilla, was not only understanding my feelings, but expressing some of her own.

I talked to her about some of the websites I have visited and told her that although I don;t agree with everything, I have obtained a little here and a little there. She said that she would rather not read about sex, and that she's prefer to make her own "connections". Now I realize that I don't know what she meant by connections, but my guess is that she feels like she is discovering these things on her own and she prefers it this way. In the end, she told me that she's interested in Lady Misato's website (Real women don't do housework) and I told her that I have to look it up because I haven't seen it in a while and didn't remember it. I also confessed that I have had a copy of Around her Finger, by Ken Addison that I've kept for years but that I wanted to give it to her. She accepted it and said that she doesn't have too much time to read (I know that), but will get back to me when she does (in about two years). I went to my desk and pulled the book from where I had secretly been hoping she'd "accidentally" find it, which she never did, and gave it to her.

She asked me what the gist of the book was and I said something along the lines of: This is a book written by a man presenting the theory that all men, given the opportunity to learn it, would like nothing more than being wrapped around their wife's finger, and that the book was written in story form. My wife said that maybe it may be easier to read in story form.

Then she mentioned something that worried her. She said that she liked their men "manly" bold and articulate and that would put their feet down when necessary, but that the whole thing sounded "needy" to her. She said that she has always been wary of "neediness" because she grew up with people who used to manipulate her with their needs. She said that she didn't want to feel that I was manipulating her and asked me what I thought about it. I mentioned that one of the sites I've read actually talk about this issue, but before I could go any further, she said that we'll figure it out as we go along.

I asked her to feel free to tell me if I was acting "needy" and she insisted that we will figure it out as we go, so I dropped it.

What happened next surprised me, although perhaps it shouldn't have. She hugged me and told me that she loved me and that she was happy that we could talk about these things. She confessed that there was a time a few years back when she had wanted to leave me (horror, I didn't know that!) but that she was happy that we had stayed together, because now she thought that we had a good thing going.

Then she proceeded to ask me to bring her breakfast in bed and to make sure everyone else ate. After that, she asked me to go to the store get a movie for tonight, buy milk, vitamins and some materials for her crafts. She also told me that she wants me to take art lessons and when I said I was not sure, she told me that I will do it anyway because she will make me. She said that I have much talent and that she's not going to allow me to waste it.

Later, she went to the park with the girls and I stayed home washing and folding laundry. Later, while she engaged in a leisure activity and a hot bath, I did all the dishes (Why are 18 dirty plates for just one meal?)

There were other things to the conversation, but I'm not too clear as to exactly where they go. Here are a couple of examples:

1) "If men like the hunt, why do they go for hookers?"
My answer was that they probably don't know what they really want. V added that maybe they get desperate because they feel they are lacking something and they think they will find it in sex.

2) "So this (the need for the hunt) explains a lot of why middle aged men go after younger lovers." She threatened me with some unspecified calamity if I ever considered going after another woman. I told her that she is all the woman I need and I'm in deep love with her.

3) "Women still need to be rescued, we just substituted slaying dragons with helping out around the house". This is almost what Lady Misato said in her site: "Your husband is happier because he is a hero. He comes to your rescue by doing the chores around the house and by satisfying you sexually".
There were many others, but the main idea is that I brought my feelings into the open and was not rejected by her. On the contrary, it seems like she will embrace them and me. The extent of her understanding was astonishing. No doubt, my hidden submission and all the little things that I've been doing in the recent past have helped her reach some conclusions on he own. I can't wait to see how she decides to proceed, but will do my best to remain calm and not "needy", since she has told me directly that neediness is a turn-off for her.

Now, as my wife takes a warm bath and I finish folding her laundry, I stand here at the verge of a new year with a mix of love, lust, fear, hope and gratitude. It has taken a long time to get here, and I cant wait to see where we go from here.

Happy New Year!

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Little things that mean a lot

Because of a health condition, I had not been able to work out for the last few days. V has kept me denied. I'm glad that my problem didn't become cause for her to have pity on me.

"What do you want?" She asked me last night when she turned around and caught me staring at her bottom.

"You know," I said a little shy. I'm not naturally shy, but since she began conditioning my orgasms, I seem to feel shy when alone in her presence.

"I know," she said with a crooked smile, getting closer and grabbing my member, with readily came up to receive her attention. "But, are you going to get it?"

"No?" I answered, a small portion of me hoping that she would have mercy, the rest of me begging for her to remain firm.

"No, you're not going to, and do you know why?" She kept rubbing my now fully-erect penis.

"Because I haven't worked out?" I could not even look at her in the eye, and I think she noticed.

She laughed, pushed my penis away and said with finality: "You have been a bad boy and need to be punished."

She left the room. I was denied again. I could not believe just how small and insignificant her simple gesture made me feel, and how erotic it was. I think she is becoming aware of the nature of her power over me, although she still has not figured out the magnitude of it.

I love this woman.

This morning she pointed to her calendar. There are little symbols there that she uses to keep track of our love making.

"Look," she said. "We are not getting enough sex around here, and I'm horny."

I felt like the world was taken from under my feet. I felt like telling her that she didn't have to be horny, that I would work for her pleasure alone and then accept to be denied mine. That I would be there for her and her alone; that she owned my full devotion and I would never let her go wanting, unless that was her desire.

I felt so many things...

But all those feelings and thoughts flushed through my brain in only seconds, and there was no time to answer, because she was still talking.

"You HAVE to work out today." She finished before leaving the room.

Needless to say, I did work out today. She went to bed and told me to wake her up in the morning and "we would see"

I hope she denies me again, but I hope in doing that she doesn't deny herself. I don't want to bring the subject up again, however, as she has already mentioned that she doesn't want to do it.

We'll see in the morning...

Thursday, December 15, 2011

I feel manly... Is that strange?

I've been having an interesting thought recently, a discovery, if I may, one that I didn't quite expect from what I've read on the subject of Female Dominance. I headed into my attempt to a FLM fully expecting that somehow by being dominated by a woman, I would feel less as a man. However, after struggling with my own feelings for years, I came to conclude that yes, I am submissive, and if that's what it took, so be it.

It turns out that the  feeling I get when I'm denied, which until now, I had not been able to articulate it or give it a name, is "manly". I struggle somewhat with the word, because because it seems as if it doesn't quite match what I'm feeling in the full sense, but still, it is what it is. I don't precisely mean "manly" as opposed to "womanly", because there's nothing womanly about me after an orgasm, or as opposed to "childish" either.

I guess I could say "manly" as in more human, as opposed to a thing, a vegetable (such as a couch potato) or a mass of flesh and fat slumbering around without any purpose in life other than to eat, sleep, complain and have sex.

If I were forced to come up with a definition of what I mean by the word "manly" in this context, I'd say "purposeful, focused, energetic, determined, bold, aggressive, brave, proactive". Admittedly, none of these attributes are inherently masculine, but I can't deny that I feel more of a man when I'm horny. I think it's something primitive, probably related to us men being hunters and stuff. By denying me, my wife has given me a prey to hunt, and the old me has come to life again. 

While being denied by V for several days, particularly after the heavy teasing I described on another post, I felt powerful and strong, like nothing could stop me. I guess I was high on brain chemicals. At work, not only did I find my mind sharper, but I also found that my coworkers didn't stand a chance when disagreeing with me. Most things went my way at work, and people seemed to accept my leadership without much of an argument, including the office hag that always had her way. I had people approach me and tell me how glad they were that I was there and to thank me for the things I did and said. Somehow, I found myself to be more articulate and convincing than usual.

If only they knew that the renewed wit and creative problem solving that helped me dominate at work was caused by my submissiveness at home... Oh, the irony!

Seriously, it felt as if I was back in my younger days, when I was considered by many to be smarter than average, my career advanced very fast and I seemed to land every job opportunity I set my eyes on. Somehow, over the years I've felt as if that spark was lost. As if I had descended to the level of mediocre performance and lazy work-avoidance. Beind denied has taught me that the faculties of my younger self are not lost, just dulled by too much prolactin. Yes, I've been reading about the hormone prolactin, which is released after orgasm, and the effects that it has on men.

While some may disagree with my choice of the word "manly" as a descriptor, the word itself is not what matters here. I would be much more interested in a discussion of the feeling itself. Is this something you (or your significant other) experience? Do you feel sharper, smarter, stronger, more focused, when you are being denied? How do you feel (besides submissive)?

As for me, I had release twice yesterday and can't wait to feel "manly" again.

Very manly... but how to tell my wife? I find it hard to explain even to myself...

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

A potential setback averted...

This Monday, I was feeling extremely tired after I came home. It was one of those days when all I wanted was to fall asleep, so I went to bed and was almost falling asleep when V arrived and asked me if I had worked out. I said that I hadn't, but that I was really tired.

She became demanding and told me to get out of the bed (even pulled my legs off the bed) and escorted me outside. I was complaining and whining as she did it, not feeling very submissive. When she pushed me out of the door and got ready to close it behind me, I was about to say that I was not wearing workout clothes or shoes, but I was so mad that I didn't know what to say.

"What's the matter?" She asked, but I was upset, so I turned around and walked away without a word. She closed the door and locked it behind me.

While I walked I woke up and had a chance to contemplate on what had just happened.

My wife had just ordered me, not asked, or pleaded, but ordered and almost forced me to do something that I had given her the power to do and instead of being obedient and grateful, I had given her an attitude. What a stupid thing to do at this stage of our relationship! I wanted to kick myself, or to be more accurate, to be kicked and punished by her. I know that if I was being dominated by V, I would just have earned some serious punishment, but at this stage, I was afraid that she would get discouraged.

While I worked out I was so tired that I thought I was going to vomit, but eventually managed to complete my time and return home. I fell on the bed, almost fainting and stayed there for an hour or so, being too tired to sleep, until later I felt better.

V informed me that I would not be getting any because she was not up to it. She mentioned that her belly ached a little, but I knew that she would not have been so insistent in making me work out if she was not interested in having sex with me, so I knew I had ruined her mood with my attitude. She went to sleep right away.

I decided that I needed to be more submissive, and urgently, so I edged myself several times while imagining that she was doing it as a punishment for my attitude. I finally went to sleep hoping that my error would not destroy all the progress we had made in the past few months. 

I edged myself in the morning again, repeating the process while thinking that I really needed to apologize for my attitude, but that there was no time, because we both had to leave. When I weighed myself I noticed that I had lost two pounds in two weeks and thought that it was a great progress, even though I have not been faithful in working out daily. I've noticed that I'm drinking more water and eating smaller portions, so that is clearly part of it too.

As we were leaving the house, I mentioned to V that I had lost 2 pounds and that the regime was being effective. She sighed and said "I don't know... I don't feel as if it's being effective." With that we parted ways, and I stood there, kicking myself for disappointing her in such a stupid way and for no reason at all.

The submissive rush hit me at work, and with it the idea that if I didn't apologize immediately, things may revert to old vanilla, and it would be harder to bring them back again. I sent her an email.

"V, I lost two pounds in two weeks. Our regime is working. If it doesn't work as effectively as you think it should, it's not your fault, but mine. Please don't get discouraged. I'm sorry for giving you an attitude on Monday and will try to do better. Feel free to do anything that you think will help in making our arrangement more effective or in reminding me that I asked for this and should not complain. I love you."

Her reply came a few minutes later.


Just that.

It seemed like a positive sign, but you never know.

I came home and have been in my best behavior. I was getting ready to go work out without her telling me so when she entered the room. She had a movie in her hands and showed me the actor. She said that he was great and she really really like him. "Of course," she added, "I like you more".

Good, I thought. At least she's not mad. However, that didn't mean that she was going to continue our little project. I told her that I wanted her a lot, to which she casually said that "it is good to want things, because it gives you something to look forward to."

Then for some reason she mentioned something about sticks and balls (non sexual, mind you) and I said that I had some. She said "Good for you, and you get to keep them because you have not worked out".

I breathed a sigh of relief. She was still here and still willing to enforce the rules.

I told her that I was going to work out right now and she said that then, maybe I could use my stick and balls tonight. Maybe not.

I'm glad I fond it in me to apologize for my stupid reaction, and even gladder that V is not reverting to the old times. My hope is that even if our growth is slow, and minimal, that it never reverts to what it was.

I hope that after doing this for a while (I still have 22 pounds to go, and that's not even to ideal weight, but to a comfortable one) V will get used to her benefits and we'll be able to transfer her dominance to other areas of my life.

I have to be careful with the little things and try to remain obedient and submissive to her. I realize that I may have made mountains out of molehills, but my feelings are intense and deep and can play tricks on me. For now, I think that I averted a potential pitfall and that we are still on the road to a FLM.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

A conflict of interest...

Wow, two posts in two days!

I must be high or something. Actually, I am high on arousal. If your read yesterday's post, you know that my wife tricked me (or I want to think she did) into giving her a full body massage that really turned me on and then left me hanging.

Well, this morning, as soon as she woke up, she jumped on me. "Forget everything," she said, her still naked body rubbing against mine while she bit my neck. "I don't want to do this anymore, let's have sex right now!"

I thought I'd be sad that she decided to end our arrangement, but I was so turned on by her that all I wanted was to grab her, pull her close and get the orgasm I'm starting to crave. After only a few moments of that, she asked me if I wanted her. I puffed a rough "YES!"

Then she stopped.

"Too bad," she said, pulling back and caressed her own body (she knows she's hot, although she denies it most of the time). "Look what you're missing."

"If you were good, you could have good things happen to you," she opened her mouth and placed my erect penis inside, but did not close it around it. Then she made it look as if she was going to lick it from the base to the tip, but her tongue only touched it for one painfully brief instant. It was bliss.

After that, she went to get ready and told me that I didn't have to get up yet, but game a list of things to do later. She said she wanted to clean up a little before leaving. I remembered that the sink was full of dishes that I had not done last night (no time for anything, remember?) and went ahead to do them.

"Good boy!" She said when she saw me doing dishes. I was wearing a bathrobe.

After I finished the dishes, which were many, she was getting ready to leave but she pushed me against the closet and kissed me. I tried to grab her but she pushed my hands away. "You can't touch me," she said. "Only I do the touching here. You don't deserve to touch. As a matter of fact, I'm withdrawing all pleasure from you." (Awesome word, 'withdrawing'. I have this thing for the dominant words she uses, especially when we have never used them in conversation before. One of these days I'll have to post about the power words have on me.)

She pulled my bathrobe open around my arms so that it exposed my chest and belly and didn't allow me the use of my arms or hands. Then she bent and licked me from just above the belly button to the neck, and started playing with my nipples. "Oh, poor you, so vulnerable!"

I was in a state where I would have agreed to whatever she said, and when she asked me "How does it feel?" I confessed that it felt as if there were nothing I could refuse to do for her and that I felt very energized and almost as if I was under the effects of a stimulant.

"Give me a million dollars," she said. I hesitated, then said "Okay," to which she laughed, because I don't have a million dollars to give her and she knows it, but if I had it, it would already be hers.

Then she said something that created a deep conflict of interest in me.

"If you don't work out while I'm gone, when I come back I will do that thing that I have not been willing to do to you because I felt bad for you". She's referring to making me give her an orgasm and then depriving me of mine.

I told her that she didn't need to feel bad for me and she replied, "Oh, I don't"

The conflict on interest is this: I have been denied for 5 days now, and for the last two she has teased me mercilessly, so I'm so horny I really want to go do as she's asking and work out, but on the other hand, I think her denying me while gratifying herself would be a huge step in the right direction, because if she gets the idea that she doesn't need to deprive herself of anything while keeping me denied, I think she may find it easier to dominate me in the future.

Right now, she's not home, so I have to make a decision to work out or not to work out.

I think I'll do it.

We have come so far, and she seems to be enjoying the power she has over me, that I don;t want to frustrate her by being disobedient. The fact that she threatened me with that, added to the fact that she kept yesterday's threat, tells me that she's warming up to the idea. I should not try to be contrarian or disobedient just to earn a punishment.

Who knows? Maybe one of these days she'll come to realize that denying me even after I obey her commands may be a good idea to keep me obedient for longer.

I love how she progresses in her dominance, and how all the months and years of stealth submission on my part have created some expectations from her. The fact that she seems to be enjoying what she's doing so far, tells me that she may take it further down the road.

Yes. Conflict of interest or not a decision has been made: Stop writing and go work out  right now...


Was this a trick? I hope so...

This week, I didn't feel too well, physically and didn't work out for four days in a row. Needless to say, my wife kept her side of our bargain and I didn't get any. However, since I was feeling sick, my sexual energy was low and I didn't really feel too much under her spell.

That changed today.

Yesterday, when my wife came home from work, I was in the room. She entered and closed the door. She was wearing her leather boots, (which I hope one day she'll make me kiss) and some sexy jeans.

"Did you work out?" She asked. I hadn't and I did not lie to her. "Aww, too bad..."

Then she bent over and took her boots off, then turned her back to me (she knows I love her rear view) and took her jeans off slowly, teasingly, showing off the sexy underwear I didn't know she was wearing. She made a show of stretching and laying on bed, as I became really hard for the first time in four days.

"If you don't work out tomorrow," she said with an impish smile. "I'll have to take you on giving me a massage... naked."

Then she went to sleep and I stayed awake, wondering if I should have told her that she could ask for it tonight, because I knew that I was going to work out and therefore would not be denied. In the end I didn't say anything and she fell asleep.

Today, I was so sure that I was going to work out that I was not even thinking about tease and denial, and at one point wondered if the energy was dissipating and my wife was losing interest.

She had other plans...

At about the time I was supposed to finish work, she texted me asking me how I felt. I texted her back telling her that I was feeling better. I thought that she was going to reply that I should go work out, but what she sent me was that she wanted me to take her to the movies.

I barely had time to get home to get ready to go watch the movie, so I obviously failed to work out again. We went to the movie, then she asked me to take her for a burger, which we did. It was nice, she stood in front of every door until I opened it for her, she asked me to drive, and gave me a lot of instructions for tomorrow.

When I got home, I thought she was going straight to bed, but she told me that I owed her.

"You owe me big time," she said. "And no matter what you do, you're still going to owe me."

I asked her what I could do to try to pay and she said that I could start by giving her a massage. She said I had been a bad boy and as a punishment she was making me give her a massage. I told her that I would do it gratefully and that it would not be a bad punishment, to which she replied pointing at my already erect member "Oh, but that's only the beginning. You don't get to do anything, you are not going to use that thing".

I gave her an hour long, full body massage. I kissed her feet, her bottom and her waist. I felt wonderful worshipping my goddess that way as she moaned in pleasure. All I wanted was to kneel between her legs and serve her orally, but I know she doesn't want me to, so I resisted the urge.

Maybe one day...

After she finished, she grabbed my penis and told me to put it away. She slapped it playfully and ordered me to make it sleep. "Look how disobedient you are," she said in mocking severity. "If I tell you to wake him up, you do it quickly, but when I tell you to put it to sleep, you don't do it." I told her I was sorry, but that I didn't have any place to put it. She said that she was going to sleep and that she hoped I had learned my lesson.

She is now asleep as I sit here, hard as a rock, happily denied but hoping she will give me so much to do tomorrow that I won't be able to work out so I can "earn" more punishment.

My favorite things today were that she used the word punishment, which I have never used in our conversations; that she said I owed her big time and that earlier, while going to the movies, I asked her if she had planned to trick me into not letting me work out and she said: "No, I didn't plan it that way. It is your own fault that you have not worked out all these days."

While I have to believe her when she said that she didn't plan to preclude me from working out so she could punish me, the fact that she threatened me about it yesterday and then today she didn't allow time for me to do my part, made me feel as if it was intentional.

And even imagining that is was an intentional trick, makes me hard...

I tremble at the thought that I'm now going to lay next to her naked body while being as aroused as I am... I love this woman!