I came out!

I apologize for the somewhat longish post, but this is a milestone that deserves mention.

I came out this morning.

Yes, after several years of struggling with the idea, I finally admitted to my wife the full extent of my submissiveness to her. No more stealth submission, no more figuring out how my wife is going to react, no more fear (or at least not in the same sense).

How did it happen?

Well, I have been denied for more than a week now and as horny as I have ever been, so my wife brought the subject of my 'horniness' up and asked me why I thought that men want to chase after what they can't have instead of having what they can have. This brought up a rather lengthy conversation where we talked about men being natural hunters and being more interested in the process of hunting rather than in the previously hunted prey.

I admitted that I was horny as hell and that I loved the way I felt when I desired her.

"So, how exactly do you feel?" She asked. I knew I wouldn't have another opportunity such as this, so I pounced. I told her I felt energized, powerful, focused and manly, but not in the sense of being opposed to feminine, but like a hunter after its prey. She said that she understood. She also said that it is very interesting that after all this years, she's discovered that the way to keep me happy is not to follow her mother's advice of fulfilling and anticipating my masculine "needs" and being always available for sex, but to actually play hard to get and to give me something to chase after.

I was very motivated by her words, so I admitted to it. I said that I wanted to have her, but only when she wanted me to have her, and never because she thought I needed it.

"Wow," she said. "I was thinking of pleasuring you orally today, but now you're not getting any, baby!"

With all the days I have been denied already, I felt a bit of fear creeping up when she said that, but I was strong and stayed the course. I talked to her about the fact that I have read many books on the topic, because I felt that I was abnormal or deviant, but that after several years of study and our recent experiment with denial based on lack of exercise, I was convinced that this was what I wanted. I spoke about the imagery of the knight pledging allegiance to a lady, I spoke about chivalry and how modern society with its emphasis on equality had robbed men of the opportunity to perform the role they have been born to perform, which is to protect, provide and serve. She told me that women have been robbed too, because in their chase for equality, they have lost sight of their need to be nurtured, protected and loved by their men. I could not believe my ears! My own wife, the most vanilla of vanilla, was not only understanding my feelings, but expressing some of her own.

I talked to her about some of the websites I have visited and told her that although I don;t agree with everything, I have obtained a little here and a little there. She said that she would rather not read about sex, and that she's prefer to make her own "connections". Now I realize that I don't know what she meant by connections, but my guess is that she feels like she is discovering these things on her own and she prefers it this way. In the end, she told me that she's interested in Lady Misato's website (Real women don't do housework) and I told her that I have to look it up because I haven't seen it in a while and didn't remember it. I also confessed that I have had a copy of Around her Finger, by Ken Addison that I've kept for years but that I wanted to give it to her. She accepted it and said that she doesn't have too much time to read (I know that), but will get back to me when she does (in about two years). I went to my desk and pulled the book from where I had secretly been hoping she'd "accidentally" find it, which she never did, and gave it to her.

She asked me what the gist of the book was and I said something along the lines of: This is a book written by a man presenting the theory that all men, given the opportunity to learn it, would like nothing more than being wrapped around their wife's finger, and that the book was written in story form. My wife said that maybe it may be easier to read in story form.

Then she mentioned something that worried her. She said that she liked their men "manly" bold and articulate and that would put their feet down when necessary, but that the whole thing sounded "needy" to her. She said that she has always been wary of "neediness" because she grew up with people who used to manipulate her with their needs. She said that she didn't want to feel that I was manipulating her and asked me what I thought about it. I mentioned that one of the sites I've read actually talk about this issue, but before I could go any further, she said that we'll figure it out as we go along.

I asked her to feel free to tell me if I was acting "needy" and she insisted that we will figure it out as we go, so I dropped it.

What happened next surprised me, although perhaps it shouldn't have. She hugged me and told me that she loved me and that she was happy that we could talk about these things. She confessed that there was a time a few years back when she had wanted to leave me (horror, I didn't know that!) but that she was happy that we had stayed together, because now she thought that we had a good thing going.

Then she proceeded to ask me to bring her breakfast in bed and to make sure everyone else ate. After that, she asked me to go to the store get a movie for tonight, buy milk, vitamins and some materials for her crafts. She also told me that she wants me to take art lessons and when I said I was not sure, she told me that I will do it anyway because she will make me. She said that I have much talent and that she's not going to allow me to waste it.

Later, she went to the park with the girls and I stayed home washing and folding laundry. Later, while she engaged in a leisure activity and a hot bath, I did all the dishes (Why are 18 dirty plates for just one meal?)

There were other things to the conversation, but I'm not too clear as to exactly where they go. Here are a couple of examples:

1) "If men like the hunt, why do they go for hookers?"
My answer was that they probably don't know what they really want. V added that maybe they get desperate because they feel they are lacking something and they think they will find it in sex.

2) "So this (the need for the hunt) explains a lot of why middle aged men go after younger lovers." She threatened me with some unspecified calamity if I ever considered going after another woman. I told her that she is all the woman I need and I'm in deep love with her.

3) "Women still need to be rescued, we just substituted slaying dragons with helping out around the house". This is almost what Lady Misato said in her site: "Your husband is happier because he is a hero. He comes to your rescue by doing the chores around the house and by satisfying you sexually".
There were many others, but the main idea is that I brought my feelings into the open and was not rejected by her. On the contrary, it seems like she will embrace them and me. The extent of her understanding was astonishing. No doubt, my hidden submission and all the little things that I've been doing in the recent past have helped her reach some conclusions on he own. I can't wait to see how she decides to proceed, but will do my best to remain calm and not "needy", since she has told me directly that neediness is a turn-off for her.

Now, as my wife takes a warm bath and I finish folding her laundry, I stand here at the verge of a new year with a mix of love, lust, fear, hope and gratitude. It has taken a long time to get here, and I cant wait to see where we go from here.

Happy New Year!