Monday, February 8, 2010

Still on the same boat...

As one commenter said before, my 'discreet campaign of hidden submission' is not giving the desired results. At least not to the extent I'd like to.

My feelings as a submissive husband continue to intensify, if that's possible, but my wife does not seem to grasp the idea that I want her to dominate me.

She has gotten the idea that I want her to be a little rough in bed, and expressed to me that the reason she doesn't do it is that she fears that I will be rough with her, and she likes sex 'soft and tender'. I told her that I'd be as soft and tender as she wanted, but that she did not have to worry about doing the same for me. She laughed and said "men are savages". Since then, she has been scratching, biting and spanking me during sex, which is a beautiful thing.

This goes to show that she is at least partially open to do the things that please me in bed, but she has a big thing about me not 'doing things because I want sex' and wants me to do things without her telling me. I've told her that I don't do things because I want sex, but that I want to please her. She seems happy with that explanation but I don't think she really believes it. I'm trying to show her that I want to serve her even when sex is out of the question, such as when she has her period and such, but I guess I'll have to be more consistent on that.

The other day I received an email from her at work where she thanked me for all the help I gave her the night before and she specifically mentioned that I did it 'without expecting any reward' so I guess she's noticing.

I still don't dare coming out clean and telling her that I am submissive.

Today, she said that she wants to give ME oral sex, and she also said that she wants me to do the dishes, but she made it very clear that she doesn't want me to establish any correlation between one and the other.

I love to receive oral sex, and knowing that she's getting a desire to do it, makes me hot. I'd also love to give her oral sex, but she doesn't like it. We used to do it before, so I guess it was not as good as I thought.

When I have not had sex in a while, my kinks come very near the surface and I begin to have fantasies about sex. For now, my strongest fantasies include being tied up, being spanked and being penetrated anally with a strapon. I don't have any fantasies that do not involve Mistress V, meaning that all these things are things I wish she would do for me, but I guess I'll have to wait, since I don't even dare to tell her of simpler things...

Sometimes I wish I could just tell her right up all that I feel, but the fear of losing her confidence, of her knowing that all this time I have been wishing for something else, makes it harder and harder. I know it will only get worse with time, so I better do something to ramp up and pave a way for this before it's too late.

I just have to figure out how.


  1. At some point you will have to explain, but if you read my blog you will see that I am not that good a communication, for all for the reasons that you have described. Like you I was worried about rejection, worried that Jane would find my fantasies and desires to kinky. My biggest fear was that as soon as I knew Jane didn’t want what I wanted, then I couldn’t enjoy myself, knowing that she might only be doing certain things to please me. Wanting your wife to enjoy herself, to want you to be attentive and obedient, to want to encourage your submission is very important to me, and I suspect you also.

    What I have learned importantly over the last few years is set out in some of my recent entries, so won’t repeat myself here. You will have to communicate though, difficult though it is. Giving her the “book”, maybe one of the easiest and quickest ways of getting things out in the open. Having your answers and your reasons set in your mind is probably more important though. You will need to convince your wife that this is as much about you as a couple together, your love for her, and your desire to feel totally lost to her feminine sexuality as a woman and your wife. You need to give her reasons why she should want to encourage your submission, and that in many ways is giving her what she wants, not necessarily what you want. Together you may just reach a mutually satisfying balance, and in time as she grows more comfortable and confident about her dominant position within your relationship, she may grow to become more adventurous and expectant with you. You cant deny the fact that some of this is about sex, and that you are sexually motivated to want to serve and be controlled by your wife, but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing especially if you are giving her what she wants and needs.

    This can only work though if you open up. If it as important to you as it sounds you will have to find a way of communicating to her or getting her to read the arounsherfinger website. Don’t however make the mistake of linking this to Valentines Day, or assuming that just because you find being subservient to your wife, that she will immediately enjoy or want the same.

    The sexual side should always come secondary, and only after you have convinced your wife that your intentions go way beyond sex and are just as much about being committed together as a loving couple first. Whatever happens your wife will probably still want a husband, a man, and not want a servant. Getting the balance right is the key, giving her what she wants, as much as what you want is a must. Don’t anticipated a harsh regime with your wife barking out orders and punishing you regularly, it just wont happen, at least it’s very unlikely to happen, and in reality you probably wouldn’t enjoy it anyway, unless your wife enjoyed or wanted it.

    I shall be following your blog with interest, good luck.

  2. I just want to thank you for taking your time to post your reply. I read some of your recent entries and see that you are right. I have to come out somehow.

    Your comment about Valentine's Day probably saved me a lot of pain, because the thought had already crossed my mind. You are right though, that I should not give her a gift that is actually for me.

    There are two things that have been fluttering around my mind recently and maybe I''ll post something about it, but is that the more "needy" I become, the less effective I am at bringing V's dominance, so from that is clear that she wants a man. The other one is that even though sometimes I don't feel that I'm advancing (especially when I am "needy", so there's the link) I actually am, as evidenced by the fact that V has been saying "I Love you" more often than she used to and that she has told me several times in the past few days that I am a wonderful husband and father. She even told that to the kids in front of me, and asked them to follow my example a little more.

    So, the second thought is that perhaps what I'm trying to achieve here is not to have her BECOME my dominant, but just to DISCOVER that she already is.

    Since writing about it seems to make it easier for me to decodify it. I'm planning to write something about these two issues after I give them some thought.

    Thanks again for your comment and your good wishes.

  3. The only reason that I mentioned Valentine’s Day is that I have made that mistake before. Make the day about her, but more specifically your love and devotion for her as a woman and wife. By all means let her see how much she excites you, and what effect and control she has over you in the bedroom, but don’t debase the day by asking for anything kinky. I know that this can be difficult sometimes, especially when you are “needy” as you put it, but if you can take solace from “serving her on that day, offer to make her dinner, do all of the clearing up, whilst she relaxes, give her the full works. Then later, or the next day, you can tell her how much you enjoyed pleasing her, and that you even found it arousing in a strange sort of way. She may ask why, you’re chance to start to explain. Just an idea.

    Regarding your second thought, I think that basically the majority of wives are dominant to one degree or another. They know that they control what happens in the bedroom, and even when it happens. I am guessing to a certain extent, but I suspect that most wives are frightened by the discovery that their husbands are submissive because they think in part that its just a game, is just about sex, and that they can’t see themselves “acting out” their lives in a fantasy, expecting their relationship to turn into a mistress/slave thing. Also they fear being classed as dominant, bossy, bitchy, all traits that they have probably found distasteful in other women.

    The sooner that they can see that it doesn’t have to be like that, and that they can enjoy many benefits of having an adoring, attentive, and even obedient husband, the better. To make this work for you though your wife will need to understand a bit about what motivates you, and how best she can indulge and encourage your submission. That is where you definitely have to give her a good reason to want to encourage your submission. That’s where your love for her, your passionate desire to submit to her feminine charm, and willingness to submit to her control comes in. But she will need a reason, a very good reason to want to adopt her new role in your relationship.

    The longer you leave it vague, without some sort of explanation, the more frustrated you will get, and so to your wife, not understanding why she is seemimgly failing to meet your needs, or appreciating what you would really like your realtionship to be base upon.