As I said on a previous post, I have desires for physical punishment. Contrary to my desires for submission, that I try to gradually open up to my Mistress, my desires for punishment are much more delicate, since I think that Mistress is not going to see that with good eyes. Over the years, I have tried to punish myself in different ways, but the punishment never reached a satisfying end. This all changed this year.
I was searching the Internet for information on self-punishing and my search result pointed to a blog where someone mentioned pre-recorded instructions for self punishment. Sadly, when I clicked on the link, the blog had been taken offline and that particular post was not in the cached version, so I only had the tittle and nothing else.
I gave the issue some thought. How would it be if I could write a script for a punishment session and then play it back on my MP3 player as I followed the instructions? At first, I thought it would not work, but one day, while on a work related trip away from Mistress V, I decided to try it.
My reasons for suddenly wanting to try a recording are complex, but in their most simplistic expression they can be reduced to this:
1) I was horny as hell because I was away from Mistress.
2) I did not want to be "unfaithful" to mistress by masturbating (as a submissive, it gives me great pain to be so weak as to not be able to control myself for her)
3) I was about to fail her as I started to play with myself in my hotel room.
4) I felt that only a punishment would take my mind away from "consummating" my failure.
5) I had tried many different ways of self-punishment and they always ended in masturbation anyway...
So, armed with a deep desire for punishment and a deep horniness, I grabbed a paper and began to write a script. The script had instructions for me to follow, things for me to repeat and counts for the number of strokes I was to give myself. After writing what I considered was a lengthy "scene" I laid down and recorded everything on my MP3 player.
I tried the scene out and for the first time in my whole life I was able to punish myself to the point where I would feel it the next day. The session, it turned out was not long at all, so the next day, even though my buttocks were still sore, I wrote a new, shorter script that did not have an end (to be played continuously) and another one with the ending. At the end of the first track I ask a few questions about my submissive desires and about wanting to remain chaste to Mistress V. If I can honestly answer them to the positive, I press next and go to the last track, where I plant suggestions about how to be a better husband and a better submissive. If I am not "ready", meaning I still want to masturbate or watch porn or something, I have to let the player repeat the track one more time.
The first time I used the three-track version (the original plays first, because it has an introduction of sorts) I used the second track two or three times and by the end of it, I was shaking with pleasure, my ass was red and hot and I had absolutely no desire to play with myself any longer. For the rest of my trip (it was relatively long) I did not masturbate once, and ever since I came back I have only done it twice, which is a great deal, considering that once upon a time I was doing it every day and some days more than once.
My feelings of submissiveness for Mistress V increased during that time and I was so sure I would come home to be a better husband, but of course, even the best laid plans cannot survive an encounter with reality. When I am home, and can't punish myself to my deepest satisfaction, I end up getting moody and lazy. I believe I need the control I crave. I think that when Mistress V becomes the caring Dominant of my dreams, I will not have need to try to balance my own life with substitutes, but for now, I believe that I have found in self punishment an alternative to avoid the feelings of guilt associated with masturbation while at the same time preserving all my sexual energy to please my Mistress, which is after all, my ultimate goal as a submissive.
Today, I feel like I should get some punishment, but everyone is home, so it's not going to happen. Additionally, Mistress already told me that if I want her I should "take her" before she becomes too tired. Choosing between taking her and taking a punishment, of course I choose her.
See you later...
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