Monday, January 4, 2010

A new Journey begins... Where to?

Note: This post was originally made in June 25, 2009

I guess this is my 'hello world' post, so allow me to introduce myself.

I am V's boy, a name that implies that I want to enter into a female-led relationship with my wife, who I will refer to as 'V' or 'Mistress V'. I live in a California suburb, have a good paying job with lots of authority, and in general show myself to the world as a leader.

In my private life, however, I've been holding a secret. I have strong feelings of submissiveness to a loving female authority. I have been reading books on the matter and searching the Internet for information, but most results turn out to be pornography, something that I find objectionable due to moral principle.

For the longest time I have lived with feelings of inadequacy, feeling that my submissive feelings were 'unmanly', immoral or deviant. It was not until early this year when I discovered Caring Domination from (website to follow) and learned that my feelings are not as exceptional as I thought. I also learned that my kinks have a cause, that my submission to a caring dominant could help me become a better person.

It was an incredibly liberating discovery.

The mere fact that I could aspire to have a loving female authority guide me and still be the man that I figure myself to be, gave me great joy.

I later learned more about the concepts I was interested about from a couple of websites, particularly Around her Finger (Website to follow).

At this point, I am not practicing the principles I have learned. The dream of submitting to my wife and enter into a wife-led marriage is being counterbalanced by fear.

I fear rejection from a very traditional wife, not only of the principles, but personal rejection as well. I don't think my wife would accept the concept if it was presented to her in the cold, so for a couple months now, I have been practicing "hidden submission".

Hidden submission is not fully satisfying for me because I crave for her authority and that requires her acknowledgment of the fact that she has power over me. I crave her control and her guidance, but that is not as forthcoming as I would like to see it. She has noticed that a couple of things have changed around here, such as we have not have an argument for a long time, I have not been whining for sex (something I apparently used to do all the time, even involuntarily) and I have been helping a little more around the house.

I have not taken a more active submissive role, even though I want to, mainly because I get discouraged easily by the lack of guidance, so this creates a vicious cycle, where I want to do things, but feel discouraged by lack of guidance, but since I am probably doing a little more than I used to do before, my wife doesn't feel that she needs to guide me, so she doesn't. My lack of enthusiasm then causes her to lack it as well.

I have made the decision to create this journal for several reasons:

I have seen many journals like this one and have seen how peer support can motivate one to keep going when the "road gets tough". I hope that the community will discover this journal and comment on it.
Make my thoughts clear. Sometimes I am not sure how to describe my feelings and putting them in writing could help me figure them out. Sometimes I don't even know if I am truly submissive or just going through a phase. I hope that this journal will help me figure that out.
To keep a record of my progress and have a realistic view of the status of my relationship. I think that writing overtime can help me "see the forest" while walking among "the trees". I think it would be interesting to look at this later, if I keep it going and see how the story unfolded.
One day, I wish to make V aware of the full extent of my feelings for her. That day, when I fearlessly submit all my being to her leadership, I hope I will dare to let her read these things. Let's say this could become my confession journal.
I think that I have written enough for an introduction. If you happen to stumble upon this journal by accident, feel free to leave comments and suggestions.

At this point, as the tittle of this post suggest, I don't know the destination of this journey, but I hope I can figure it out along the way.

V's boy

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