Thursday, January 10, 2013

Oh, what a fool I've been!!!!

As usual, during these times when V is away from home, my mind meanders to strange paths and I find myself wondering about life and the pursuit of happiness. And on these times, "happiness" tends to become synonymous with being under V's loving but firm authority. I realize that whether or not being subjected to V's power brings me happiness, what matters in reality is that I believe it does, so I feel energized to continue my lengthy quest for this holy grail. My mind gets muddled and full or questions when I'm on these moods, as you will see if you keep reading.

In order to move things along in the direction of that elusive "next level" (How to reach it, and how do I know when I get there?) I went to my e-library of D/s literature. I have a list of titles that I have obtained over the years, and while some have been more helpful than others, I think I have learned some things from most (Is this "learning" really helping me, or is it just creating unachievable expectations?). For the past two days I have been transcribing material from the Real Women Don't Do Housework site. I didn't alter anything, but just copied, pasted and formatted and came up with a 37 pages manuscript to hand over to Miss V (Do I dare do it this time, or will it be another one on my series of long agonizing hesitations?). My thought was that I was ready to come out completely, tell her that the game of marbles has been an experiment to test the waters, and that for my part I consider it successful in that now I KNOW that I want to submit to her, if she would take me.

I realize now that there is a problem with that.

You see? One of my D/s goals for the new year was to go back and read all my older blog entries to do two things:
  • Edit inappropriate content in preparation for possibly letting Miss V know about it.
  • Collect "best practices," things that have worked in the past but that I may have allowed to lapse, in order to make a concerted effort to bring them back.
While reviewing the older entries, I found that I have been actually very successful in my efforts. Some of the entries I've made in the past sound like coming from a guy several orders of magnitude wiser than me, and also more successful at instituting an FLR than I feel I've ever had. A comment about this later, but first, I made a startling discovery:

I can't really come out to Miss V about being submissive, because I already did...

What? Yeah, that's what I said too. I didn't even remember the BIG CONVERSATION, but when reading my older posts, I realized that I actually did what I wrote I did. Now, if you are interested, you can find that post RIGHT HERE. It is a rather lengthy post, but then again, I tend to ramble sometimes and it WAS a major milestone, even though I kind of forgot about it...

The most amazing thing is that right after coming out, Miss V actually enforced a measure of Dominance over the non-sexual part of me and controlled my orgasms unabashedly.

Here I am one year later, trying to muster the courage to do something I already did. How on earth did this happen? Where have I been that I didn't even remember this? How can I bring it back and make for the lost time?

The only thing that comes to mind that could have made me forget is that 2012 was a very rough year at work and I was having stress-related illnesses in addition to being injured twice (rather, my old injury flared up). In the ins and outs of all the stress, we slipped in our relationship and reverted to pasts patterns in some things. Luckily, not all, because Miss V. still holds my orgasms pretty much under control, except for the vacation she just gave me.

Upon realizing this, and remembering that Miss V has actually accepted my submissive nature already (which explains why later in the year she agreed to spank me, take me from behind with the strapon and more recently tie me up) I also realized what a fool I have been.

I already took the most difficult step in getting to an FLR, and didn't capitalize on it.
Well, at the very moment of this realization, I decided to do something about it. The very first thing I did was to text Miss V. and told her "I want to make you happy".
"How?" she texted back almost instantly. With the time difference, I think she was in bed already.
"Anyway you want," I texted. "But right now, making love to you sounds good."
"I already want to go home!" and then "<3 p="p">
So, here I sit, looking back at a lucky, wise and successful guy and hardly believing that it is actually me. Now, before you go thinking that it is not possible for a guy to forget that he came out, let me tell you that because of my ADD, I have an extraordinary ability to forget stuff, especially when there is a lot of stress or not enough sleep, which are some of the hallmarks of 2012 for me. I have forgotten big things before, like a college class I didn't go to for about 6 weeks or a girlfriend I used to have. My family still teases me about that one.
Anyway, back to the wise guy. I read some stuff in there, some resolutions that I made, some intentions and plans that I had, and definitely need to bring back. This post, however, has past the point of tolerance for lengthy articles, so I will stop with the rambling now.
I have a few more days, until Miss V comes back on Monday, so I can plan a little more on how to do this, and also get 5 more green marbles in my container, which right now only has 2 (Miss V suggested that we made it all red as the price of my vacation, and while at first I insisted on a 50% distribution, reason got the best of me and I went back to her and told her that her idea was better and I wanted her to do as she had suggested originally).
I'll probably post some more about this matter before then.
Oh, what a fool I've been!!!


  1. I'm not sure, as only you can really say, but what you seem to be experiencing is that desire for things to be taken to the next level.

    I am in a similar position, although my "coming out" was or has never been that formal. Certainly not a lengthy conversation and the handing over of a book. Like you, I to have realised that maybe mine is more of a WLM than I had thought or appreciate until recently. Like you, however, I still desire Jane to take it to the next level.

    What worries me is how, and even if achieved, will the next level become my dream. Maybe our wives worry about this to, or maybe being the dominant partner is much harder work than we realise.

    1. Could it be that we get so obsessed with getting to our destination that we miss the road? Or to take the metaphor even further, could we miss the exit signs and keep going in circles, never arriving to a destination that has been within reach the whole time?

      I remember reading your posts and thinking that you had it going pretty good with Jane and wondering why would you ocassionally talk about not being "there" yet. Well, I just felt the same way reading my last year of posts. Why on Earth was I trying to arrive when I should have been enjoying the view?

      I think there is always the danger that you may arrive and realize that now you want to go farther, but that is entirelty another topic. For now, I'm more worried about whether it is too late to find a turn-around and go back to the exit I missed where more progress can be achieved.

      And yes. being the dominant is hard, especially if you are poor at verbalizing, like me.

  2. I haven't posted recently because one, I haven't been motivated enough, two, not much has happened, and three, I have been reflecting on where we are, and what it means. I may just continue this theme as an entry on my blog.

    1. I checked your post and I think I agre with it.

      Relationships are complicated, even without the extra layers we add to them.