In order to move things along in the direction of that elusive "next level" (How to reach it, and how do I know when I get there?) I went to my e-library of D/s literature. I have a list of titles that I have obtained over the years, and while some have been more helpful than others, I think I have learned some things from most (Is this "learning" really helping me, or is it just creating unachievable expectations?). For the past two days I have been transcribing material from the Real Women Don't Do Housework site. I didn't alter anything, but just copied, pasted and formatted and came up with a 37 pages manuscript to hand over to Miss V (Do I dare do it this time, or will it be another one on my series of long agonizing hesitations?). My thought was that I was ready to come out completely, tell her that the game of marbles has been an experiment to test the waters, and that for my part I consider it successful in that now I KNOW that I want to submit to her, if she would take me.
I realize now that there is a problem with that.
You see? One of my D/s goals for the new year was to go back and read all my older blog entries to do two things:
- Edit inappropriate content in preparation for possibly letting Miss V know about it.
- Collect "best practices," things that have worked in the past but that I may have allowed to lapse, in order to make a concerted effort to bring them back.
What? Yeah, that's what I said too. I didn't even remember the BIG CONVERSATION, but when reading my older posts, I realized that I actually did what I wrote I did. Now, if you are interested, you can find that post RIGHT HERE. It is a rather lengthy post, but then again, I tend to ramble sometimes and it WAS a major milestone, even though I kind of forgot about it...
The most amazing thing is that right after coming out, Miss V actually enforced a measure of Dominance over the non-sexual part of me and controlled my orgasms unabashedly.
Here I am one year later, trying to muster the courage to do something I already did. How on earth did this happen? Where have I been that I didn't even remember this? How can I bring it back and make for the lost time?
The only thing that comes to mind that could have made me forget is that 2012 was a very rough year at work and I was having stress-related illnesses in addition to being injured twice (rather, my old injury flared up). In the ins and outs of all the stress, we slipped in our relationship and reverted to pasts patterns in some things. Luckily, not all, because Miss V. still holds my orgasms pretty much under control, except for the vacation she just gave me.
Upon realizing this, and remembering that Miss V has actually accepted my submissive nature already (which explains why later in the year she agreed to spank me, take me from behind with the strapon and more recently tie me up) I also realized what a fool I have been.