Nothing has changed.
I'm still in the same "I don't dare telling my wife how I feel about submitting to her" mood I have been for the recemt past.
This must be so boring to read about that I don't even care to write about it. However, I have been sexless for several days and feel more submissive than usual.
V is not home right now, and instead of taking the chance to serve her by cleaning the house and doing shores, I spent the time surfing submissive material on the web. Bad. I wish V would punish me, but I guess it will never happen.
We haven't had a fight for years now, which is a good thing.
Today, I was fantasizing about proposing an experiment to my wife. I thought about telling my wife that I wanted to experiment with orgasm control, because I read something about the energy and creativity that can be unleashed when diverting sexual energy to something else. I thought about it at work and for a while it seemed like it could work. I would tell her that in order for the experiment to work, I needed her to be the decider as to when I could have an orgasm, but don't tell me. I wanted to ask her to stop me after having her own orgasm and teling me that "it was not time yet". It sounded like something I could do, and I thought "wow! I can do this!" but then I came home and she was not here and now I'm not so sure and I think I'm pathetic and hate myself for being such a coward (and I better stop, because I'm beginning to sound like a teenaged girl)
In truth I don't hate myself. I just hate how I dare not opening up to my wife.
Who knows, maybe I'll dare propose a little experiment to her. I don't know how to get her to tease me and deny me, though, or to order me to provide her with acts of personal service. I'll have to think more about this, I guess, but the thinking is what kills my resolve. Sometimes I think that maybe I can write something and leave it where she "accidentally" finds it, but then I think it is not honest.
I wish she would catch me doing this blog and make me confess everything. Sometimes I feel like being rejected may be better than having this deep need hidden in uncertainty.
I'm probably not being very coherent right now, but I have been denied for 4 days (not in the nice way, but just because my wife is too busy and tired) and I'm horny as hell...
What you describe, is the same for so many other men in your situation, I have had all these thoughts and many more like them.
ReplyDeleteIf you have read my blog and followed my own story, you will see that I am the worst one to advise on opening up and communicating with your wife. It has taken me three years concentrated effort submitting to Jane, and through a series of "communications", mostly written, trying to encourage Jane into accepting her dominant position and using tease and denial on me, all to no avail on the denial front.
You can either continue much in the way that you have in the past and suffer in silence or you can begin to communicate. I chose to do most of my communication in writing, but have not been that sucessful. A lot by text, once you have pressed send there's no going back, but it does rely on at least some form of positive response from your wife.
I watch with interest to see how you decide to move forward, becuase you wont be bale to resist the urge, believe me.
I know how you feel. I kind of lost
ReplyDeletethe energy to clean house for my wife.
All I'm looking for is a little demanding attitude. I will keep trying but she is just so busy with her work.
I will keep on trying. I bought her the book uniquely Riki. She did not read it yet.
I hope she will understand me soon.
V came home really tired and went straigth to bed. After the usual "how was your day" convesation, she asked me t bring her a chocolate pudding and put the girls to bed. Of course, being that I had just written the stuff above, I felt happy she did. I brought her pudding and while she ate it, I took her socks off and gave her a foot rub with some lotion. I kissed her feet while she checked her email in the laptop.
ReplyDeleteI asked her if she thought I was weird and she said yes. I asked her if she loved me anyway and she also said yes. Later, we had vanilla sex, and we had a conversation that will be the subject of another post.