Darned Tricksy Feelings

Reading on some other blogs recently, I noticed a common thread: Most aspiring submissives are disillusioned. It must be a phase of the moon for so many to go through a down phase at the same time. I mean, I know for a fact that all these pseudo-dommes have not been talking to each other, "hey, let's all get together and frustrate our husbands, but not the way they like to be frustrated, oh, yes, look how evil we are!"

All joking aside, I was going through a downer as well.

I think it is perfectly normal for a wife to have less energy at times, but knowing it intellectually does nothing to help with the feelings of rejection and lack of love that I experience when Miss V is on the low mood. Whenever I allow myself to be dragged down by those feelings and get depressed, we begin to feed on each other's mood until we both end depressed and with no personal attention requested, offered or given, no one gets satisfaction to their needs. 

The problem is that when we are denied, our feelings intensify and every gesture, every word, every sound takes on a charged meaning. If that meaning is not one of dominance, acceptance, lust or sex, we automatically categorize it as the opposite and end up frustrated (and again, not in the good way).

I have learned, at least intellectually, to give Miss V space and time to come back to herself. I try to remain positive and ask her if there is something I can do to her or for her and she usually either sends me away with a low key, "no, thanks" or asks me to help the children, so they don't have to continually ask her for help while she is busy. (Contrary to mine, part of Miss V's job has to be done at home).

Last week we were going through one of these low periods and contrary to my own advice, I started to get cranky. I didn't act up in any way, but began to have those darned feelings that "my wife doesn't love me anymore" or "I can't be in this kind of relationship" or plainly "I hate this life!"

Well, I think there are good news and bad news. The bad news is that those pesky feelings will not go away, because they are part of my own self. I will continue to feel rejected, unloved, uncared for, any time there is a little less attention from Miss V. The good news is that if I learn to recognize those feelings, and accept them as a natural part of who I am, even though I may not be able to curb the feelings themselves, I will gain the freedom to decide what my reaction to the feelings is going to be. I am free to choose to wallow in my misery, dragging Miss V and our relationship down with me, or I can choose to recognize that despite my feelings to the contrary, she still loves me, cares for me and is just tired, stressed out, or frustrated with other things that believe it or not, don't actually revolve around the center of MY universe.

If I can do this, I'm sure going to be a help for Miss V and her low moods will be shorter and less frequent. Even if I'm wrong on this, I can use her low moods as an opportunity to prove to her and myself that I truly mean it when I say that I love her and want to serve her whether there is an immediate reward for me or not.

This week's funk is over, and not surprisingly I'm feeling all happy again.

Yesterday, Miss V made me make love to her and stopped me after having three orgasms. I'm kind of becoming proud of "my ability" to get her off multiple times (in quotes because I think it is actually her ability to let herself go and enjoy, but I still feel more virile when it happens).

I took her out to lunch and after we came back she said that taking her out to lunch had been a very sweet thing, but she was an evil woman and she was paying me back with "this". She opened my pants and rubbed me until I was panting in anticipation, then she let go, walked back and ordered me to "put it away" (which is one of those orders that I can never obey, because the more she orders it, the harder it becomes).

She told me that I better clean the house today, or she's going to "make me cry".

I have no idea what she means, because she has never made me cry before, but I'm going to get away from the computer now and start cleaning some, because she is about to come back home, and I'm sure she expects something done.

I just mention this to make the case that as usual, my feelings about this were all wrong. Miss V. had not stopped loving me, or caring for me, and after she started to feel better, came back to tease and denial, and a threat that I very much want to see her execute.

I hope this lesson can be learned learned and applied and I don' let those darned tricksy feelings, whenever I have them, drag me down.

What can I do for Miss V. today?