A demon from the past raises its ugly head...

I have been denied for quite a few days and enjoying it wonderfully. It is amazing how energized I feel. Even after having release, the energy drop that most bloggers and writers describe has not been too big, and I have managed to remain submissive daily for many days now. I love the feeling and would love for it to continue.

One of the things that I have been doing to "keep it up" is that almost on a daily basis, I play with myself until the edge of orgasm, then stop. I have been using this as a method to increase my submissiveness and it works, up to a certain extent, because I have to do it several times to reach the same level I reach when let's say, V lets me bring her to orgasm and then stops me, or when she teases me heavily and then lets me dry. I'm sure that if I was edging at her command, it would be a different story, but we are not there yet.

Now, the reason I mention these things is that V has been away for a few days and I'm home alone. Yesterday, while I was edging, I almost had an orgasm and had to interrupt it. I was not sure whether I had ruined an orgasm (not a lot of experience there) or I had actually stopped it, so I played with it a bit more and almost immediately went all the way through and had an orgasm. It's been a long time since I had one without V and I felt miserable for having failed myself like that.

I am no stranger to masturbation. At one time in my life, I was a serious masturbation addict. The addiction was so serious that sometimes I'd miss work to spend the day masturbating. I would stop the car by the side of the road to masturbate in the middle of the day and walked out to the bathroom in the middle of a party to masturbate. My days (and nights) were consumed with the addiction as more and more time and stimulation were required to reach the same level of satisfaction. It took years (even after I was married) for me to bring this addiction under control, so I know that this is something I must avoid.

Well, yesterday, after masturbating once, I lost control and went and did it again. If I had felt bad because of one failure, doing it twice made me feel like a worthless piece of crap, especially because having just had an orgasm, I KNEW that I didn't NEED one, just WANTED one. Out of selfishness and pettiness, I abandoned my self-proclaimed fidelity to my wife and failed her, and myself, twice.

It was not until later in the day that I experienced the effects. With my almost constant sexual "high" depleted, I found I had completely lost any feelings of submissiveness. As a matter of fact, I felt like I didn't even felt comfortable thinking about submitting to a woman. Being aware of how my feelings were progressing, and having read about how tease and denial keeps a man submissive, I was not surprised that my submissive feelings were gone. I had expected to feel something when I had an orgasm, but what I felt after the two orgasms, was strikingly noticeable.

I felt like I was a different person, a man with no feelings, no empathy, devoid of joy and passion, living in a colorless world. It brought memories of a time, years ago, when I entered into a severe state of depression, when all I wanted was to die, and despised myself even more for lacking the courage to do anything about it. This must have been if not the most, one of the darkest times of my life. In contrast, the years I've spent with V, even the rough early ones, are like a ray of sunshine.

All I want right now is to have her close, to confess to her that I had failed and to wet her feet with my tears begging for her forgiveness. Oh, if only she would stand over me, express her disapproval and punish me severely for my wrongdoing! I don't know if I should tell her of my failure, because if I did, it would only hurt her feelings and make her distance herself from me. If she asked, I would not be able to lie to her, but otherwise, I don;t think I should mention it.

I've read that an addict is never really cured, but must remain vigilant and in control, lest the addiction overcome him again. This is one of my personal demons, one that thanks to V, her patience and her love for me, has lost his grip over my life and has retreated to a dark corner, out of sight for the most part. It is up to me to be strong every time this beast raises its ugly head.

My wife will be with me again in less than a week. I hope I will be able to resist temptation until then.

I am so sorry...